Facebook and extremely insensitive people.

[MrsJWine]

A friend of mine has just been through a miscarriage that dragged itself out for several days.  She thought it was over, and then yesterday afternoon, the rest of it happened.  She's in a lot of pain, physically.  She says she's doing well emotionally, and I while believe her (she's tough and not prone to lying about such things to look tougher), I'm sure she's still quite fragile emotionally.  

Her latest status update says something about just when you think the pain is over, the worst of it hits.  One guy wrote something like, "Quit being such a baby.  You don't have time to feel sorry for yourself."

My jaw hung open for about five minutes when I saw that.  I wanted to hit him.  I suppose it's possible he missed the last three status updates that make it clear what's been going on with her, but I dunno.  Or it's possible they have some kind of black humor in-joke that I'm unaware of.  I think that if I were in her position, and I got that comment, I would not be in a place where I could stick up for myself.  I would just feel kicked when I was down.  I want to say something--something supportive, but possibly pointed, so she feels like she has someone on her side after such an insensitive comment (and it would be something that wouldn't be terribly harsh, just in case there's something I don't know).  But I also don't want to overstep.

Normally I stay out of stuff like this, but this seems like a special case, maybe.  What do you think?

ETA:  I don't know the guy personally.  I may have met him at one of their get-togethers once; he looks a little familiar, but I have no idea who he is or if I've even talked to him.  So he's not my friend on Facebook.

[Raintree]

Ack...let's hope it's just an in-joke between them. Sure doesn't sound like it though. I'd probably want to say something in the comment section. But instead of something directly to him, something VERY supportive to her, as though his comment doesn't exist, which will point out to him what a jerk he is.

[baglady]

Ignore Captain Insensitive's comment and send her a virtual hug (and a real one if you can arrange it). Leave him out of it for now and focus on what *you* can do to support *her*. Hopefully karma will take care of CI.

[HonorH]

Write something in her comments to the effect of, "I'm so sorry you're hurting so much.  Of course this is hard for you, honey, and remember, you can always talk to me if you need to.  I'll always want to help and support you in any way I can."

Captain Insensitive needs a good kick in the teeth.  I hope she cuts him from her friends--and her life.

[MrsO]

Because I'd hope this was the case, I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt and send him a private message, just making him aware of what had happened, on the off chance that he had missed it. If he had missed what had happened, he's gonna feel absolutely horrible when he realises, but at least he can delete his comment then, and maybe apologise to your friend.

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

Saying that about something that makes a person hurt is insensitive and nasty, period. I would defriend that person immediately. It irks me no end when people make snap judgements about people and then use them to make nasty comments. Send hugs to your friend, and PM her to get rid of Captain Insensitive.

Slightly related, one day our housekeeper got arrested coming back from the shops. She was not doing anything, but when cops do 'blitzes' they just arrest everyone. We did not know where she was for two whole days. Zefrem posted, "I wonder where (housekeeper) is; we're getting worried". Some clueless woman wrote back, "So clean your own bathroom for once." Gee, thanks. We're worried that she might be hurt or something, and this person uses it to make a nasty comment. (HK was finally let out without charges.)

Some people just don't care how their remarks come across.

[Miss March]

This may be a sign of my age, or of my being completely out of step with the times, but I'm a bit shocked that someone would post updates about a matter as private as a miscarriage on Facebook. That's just my reaction.

The man who posted the remark was either callous or extremely ill-informed about the situation. No argument on that at all. "If you can't think of something nice to say, then say nothing at all," is a good lesson here.

[MrsJWine]

Miss March, I think Facebook is different things for different people.  For my friend, it is a bunch of her friends, not a wide swath of acquaintances or business associates.  It makes complete sense to me that she would keep her friends in the loop in such a way.  While I don't consider a miscarriage something I'd want to announce to the whole world, it is definitely something I would want my friends to know about.  I would need that support desperately, and I'd far rather make one or two posts on Facebook than inform each of them individually.  I've never been through the loss of a child, whether born or not, but I can't imagine it being anything less than devastating.  I don't consider it a newspaper-worthy announcement, but neither do I consider it a completely private matter.  YMMV, though, of course.

Saying that about something that makes a person hurt is insensitive and nasty, period. I would defriend that person immediately. It irks me no end when people make snap judgements about people and then use them to make nasty comments. Send hugs to your friend, and PM her to get rid of Captain Insensitive.

Slightly related, one day our housekeeper got arrested coming back from the shops. She was not doing anything, but when cops do 'blitzes' they just arrest everyone. We did not know where she was for two whole days. Zefrem posted, "I wonder where (housekeeper) is; we're getting worried". Some clueless woman wrote back, "So clean your own bathroom for once." Gee, thanks. We're worried that she might be hurt or something, and this person uses it to make a nasty comment. (HK was finally let out without charges.)

Some people just don't care how their remarks come across.

Wow.  I wonder if Clueless Woman just let that one slip without really thinking about it; I've had momentary lapses in my judgment of what's appropriate and what's not, and it's never been through ill intent, though I do accept responsibility for people's justified reactions in those cases.  I certainly hope that's the case with her.  Otherwise, just wow.

I don't know the guy, unfortunately (or fortunately?).  I think I like MrsO's suggestion.  I don't want to call someone out publicly just in case there is some explanation that I don't know about.

[Thriving ~ the next adventure]

Write something in her comments to the effect of, "I'm so sorry you're hurting so much.  Of course this is hard for you, honey, and remember, you can always talk to me if you need to.  I'll always want to help and support you in any way I can."

Captain Insensitive needs a good kick in the teeth.  I hope she cuts him from her friends--and her life.

This.  Agree about CI but there is not much OP can do about him.

[DottyG]

This may be a sign of my age, or of my being completely out of step with the times, but I'm a bit shocked that someone would post updates about a matter as private as a miscarriage on Facebook. That's just my reaction.

I agree with MrsJWine that FB is a different type of group for all people.  For instance, I don't just accept anyone that wants to befriend me - I don't know some of the people who send me a request.  My FB group is made up of people that I actually know and would care about something like this.

And, when you think about it, don't we post pretty personal things, at times, in the INAH folder?  I see something like the OP's story as something like someone's posting here.

[Brandydan]

This may be a sign of my age, or of my being completely out of step with the times, but I'm a bit shocked that someone would post updates about a matter as private as a miscarriage on Facebook. That's just my reaction.

The man who posted the remark was either callous or extremely ill-informed about the situation. No argument on that at all. "If you can't think of something nice to say, then say nothing at all," is a good lesson here.

POD on this. Not being on Facebook, but knowing a lot of people on it, I find it hard to fathom how people can post TMI updates, then expect that only positive, we-love-you messages will be left. If this is really a private issue, then post the awful news in private emails.

JMHO

[Twik]

This may be a sign of my age, or of my being completely out of step with the times, but I'm a bit shocked that someone would post updates about a matter as private as a miscarriage on Facebook. That's just my reaction.

Now, I don't use Facebook, but I understand that, for many people, it only includes a relatively small group of friends and family. Otherwise, why would one bother reading about the daily goings-on of relative strangers?

I don't know how close Captain Insensitive is to the OP's friend, but if he's close enough to want to know about her life, I'd assume he should be close enough to behave himself in addressing her.

Brandydan, if "I'm depressed over my miscarriage" is too personal, what exactly does one post on Facebook?

[Miss March]

When someone posts a message in the "I Need a Hug" folder, then anyone who reads it knows from the outset that the OP is going through something painful/difficult/stressful and needs a hug!

Facebook is more of a general forum- people are free to post about whatever they like, from the serious to the silly, from political to fantastical. There is no special category where a post is clearly marked as being one where the poster needs comforting.

I agree that the person who responded "Quit being such a baby...etc" was either callous to what the poster was going through, or ill informed about what she was posting about. My personal response, however, was some shock that someone would post about a miscarriage on Facebook.

Slightly off topic, but it was just news that Penelope Trunk twittered about her miscarriage at a work meeting. Many people had varied reactions to the appropriateness of that, and I suspect it could become a hot topic here as well.

[WhiteTigerCub]

Personally wether I knew the guy or not I'd give him a good *thwap upside his head* in the comments.

I'd then make another comment about how much I care for her and that she is free to call me anytime.

I have a total of 12 friends on my friend list. For me FB is about sharing with those I am close to. For me it *is* a place where I expect support when something bad happens in my life. That is why they are my friends.

[DottyG]

Facebook is more of a general forum

The point that some of us are trying to tell you, though, is that FB isn't always just a "general forum."  There are some people whose Friends list is very intimate - only consisting of close family and friends.  And, to a group like this, news of the miscarriage wouldn't be out of place.  

You're looking at FB as a large group of people who may or may not be close to each other.  But, not everyone's group is like that.