Facebook and extremely insensitive people.

[LeeLee88]

Write something in her comments to the effect of, "I'm so sorry you're hurting so much.  Of course this is hard for you, honey, and remember, you can always talk to me if you need to.  I'll always want to help and support you in any way I can."

Captain Insensitive needs a good kick in the teeth.  I hope she cuts him from her friends--and her life.

This.  Agree about CI but there is not much OP can do about him.

Posting something like that might also give CI the hint that something very, very large has occurred.  Who knows?  He may be compelled to further investigate the situation, find out what happened, and then be too shamed to open his mouth again for a while.  However, if he really is just an unbelievably insensitive clod... eesh.  Unfortunately, since OP and CI aren't friends on FB, she can't really do anything about the comment, and i suggest not taking it further on the friend's wall either.  She knows what to do with this idiot, and she will do it on her own.

[kingsrings]

ITA w/Dotty g. I have a friend who has recently been going through a very rocky relationship with a guy. She totally uses her FB profile as a sounding board for what she was going through and to get advice and support from her FB friends. Now, I don’t think I’d be that personal on my FB page about a crisis I was going through, I’d rather get support and advice in person because it usually comes across better than on FB IMHO and means more to me. However, that is me, and everyone is different. If she’s comfortable with it and it’s her page, then so be it.

My only problem is occasionally I have come across friends who use their page to talk about their sex lives. I so DO NOT ever want to hear ANY details about anyone’s sex life. It really squicks me out to read that, and I don’t agree with them posting that, but again, their page, and they can do what they want with it. But if I ever came across a friend who just wouldn’t stop going about it, then I would probably defriend them.

[Bookgirl]

Facebook is more of a general forum

The point that some of us are trying to tell you, though, is that FB isn't always just a "general forum."  There are some people whose Friends list is very intimate - only consisting of close family and friends.  And, to a group like this, news of the miscarriage wouldn't be out of place.  

You're looking at FB as a large group of people who may or may not be close to each other.  But, not everyone's group is like that.

Dotty's got it exactly right.  I only have 57 friends on FB.  With the exception of a couple of work people, they are my nearest and dearest.  I wouldn't post any gory details but I wouldn't think twice about posting something personal.  Heck, I've been posting about both my kids being sick this last week and getting lots of sympathy and suggestions from all the other moms.  

I think for a lot of people, FB is a much more private thing.  It's not a forum, not everyone on FB can see what you post.  It's a select group of friends and family, the same people you'd talk to IRL about these kinds of things.

[Nurvingiel]

This may be a sign of my age, or of my being completely out of step with the times, but I'm a bit shocked that someone would post updates about a matter as private as a miscarriage on Facebook. That's just my reaction.

The man who posted the remark was either callous or extremely ill-informed about the situation. No argument on that at all. "If you can't think of something nice to say, then say nothing at all," is a good lesson here.

POD on this. Not being on Facebook, but knowing a lot of people on it, I find it hard to fathom how people can post TMI updates, then expect that only positive, we-love-you messages will be left. If this is really a private issue, then post the awful news in private emails.

JMHO

This is how I feel about it as well. Maybe the OP's friend does too though and doesn't care about Captain Insensitive's comment. The comment was still a bit over the line though (unless it's an in-joke).

[Deetee]

I would assume it's an in joke. Partly because I don't believe anyone is that much of a jerk and partly because I definately have that sort of relationship with some people where a cruel comment is actually code for a bunch of mushy stuff we know but don't feel comfortable saying out loud.

[MrsJWine]

This may be a sign of my age, or of my being completely out of step with the times, but I'm a bit shocked that someone would post updates about a matter as private as a miscarriage on Facebook. That's just my reaction.

The man who posted the remark was either callous or extremely ill-informed about the situation. No argument on that at all. "If you can't think of something nice to say, then say nothing at all," is a good lesson here.

POD on this. Not being on Facebook, but knowing a lot of people on it, I find it hard to fathom how people can post TMI updates, then expect that only positive, we-love-you messages will be left. If this is really a private issue, then post the awful news in private emails.

JMHO

This is how I feel about it as well. Maybe the OP's friend does too though and doesn't care about Captain Insensitive's comment. The comment was still a bit over the line though (unless it's an in-joke).

I guess I just don't understand how posting about the loss of a baby is considered TMI.  She didn't post the gory details (that, IMO, would be too much detail).  First post was that she thought that's what was happening.  Second was to update that it was, indeed a miscarriage.  Last post was several days later; they'd thought it was over and done with, but it hadn't been, quite.  She was in a great deal of physical pain and grieving.  If I posted about the loss of a pet or child or a severe injury that had me in a lot of pain (and, again, NOT the gory details, just that life sucked right now, basically), I don't see how that's TMI.

[Amava]

I agree, in my view it is not TMI.
If someone would post something like this on the I need a hug folder, all e-hellions can see it, even the ones who are strangers to the poster.
If you post it on facebook, only people you have friended can see it.
If someone posted in the I need a hug folder, it wouldn't be TMI, so if someone posts it on facebook it is definitely not TMI.

And the man who commented on the status?? If that was not an inside joke between him and this lady, then he is having serious issues. Lack of empathy etc. Not cool.

[Nurvingiel]

This may be a sign of my age, or of my being completely out of step with the times, but I'm a bit shocked that someone would post updates about a matter as private as a miscarriage on Facebook. That's just my reaction.

The man who posted the remark was either callous or extremely ill-informed about the situation. No argument on that at all. "If you can't think of something nice to say, then say nothing at all," is a good lesson here.

POD on this. Not being on Facebook, but knowing a lot of people on it, I find it hard to fathom how people can post TMI updates, then expect that only positive, we-love-you messages will be left. If this is really a private issue, then post the awful news in private emails.

JMHO

This is how I feel about it as well. Maybe the OP's friend does too though and doesn't care about Captain Insensitive's comment. The comment was still a bit over the line though (unless it's an in-joke).

I guess I just don't understand how posting about the loss of a baby is considered TMI.  She didn't post the gory details (that, IMO, would be too much detail).  First post was that she thought that's what was happening.  Second was to update that it was, indeed a miscarriage.  Last post was several days later; they'd thought it was over and done with, but it hadn't been, quite.  She was in a great deal of physical pain and grieving.  If I posted about the loss of a pet or child or a severe injury that had me in a lot of pain (and, again, NOT the gory details, just that life sucked right now, basically), I don't see how that's TMI.

For me it's not that the post was TMI (I don't think it was), I think that one should never, ever post anything on the internet that one is not prepared to hear all possible responses to. She may well be prepared to hear all possible responses though, so I don't think she did anything wrong.

However, posting something and then being upset at responses is generally ill-advised.

[MrsJWine]

For me it's not that the post was TMI (I don't think it was), I think that one should never, ever post anything on the internet that one is not prepared to hear all possible responses to. She may well be prepared to hear all possible responses though, so I don't think she did anything wrong.

However, posting something and then being upset at responses is generally ill-advised.

Ah, I see.  That makes more sense.  I still disagree in a case like this.  I think it should be safe to assume that, if you talk about a devastating loss, responses will be universally sympathetic; the people who leave insensitive comments are to blame.  If she were whingeing on and on about the loss of her favorite sweater, or if she posted an opinion on something controversial, she should, of course, expect varied responses.  But it would never occur to me that I might receive negative responses when posting about the loss of my baby.

[Nurvingiel]

For me it's not that the post was TMI (I don't think it was), I think that one should never, ever post anything on the internet that one is not prepared to hear all possible responses to. She may well be prepared to hear all possible responses though, so I don't think she did anything wrong.

However, posting something and then being upset at responses is generally ill-advised.

Ah, I see.  That makes more sense.  I still disagree in a case like this.  I think it should be safe to assume that, if you talk about a devastating loss, responses will be universally sympathetic; the people who leave insensitive comments are to blame.  If she were whingeing on and on about the loss of her favorite sweater, or if she posted an opinion on something controversial, she should, of course, expect varied responses.  But it would never occur to me that I might receive negative responses when posting about the loss of my baby.

I agree that the responses should be sympathetic, but on the internet you never know generally speaking.

On Facebook however, one should have the confidence to post this because only your friends can comment on it, and surely your friends are not total jerks, right?

If this is not an in joke, I think Captain Insensitive should be defriended tout suite.

[claddagh lass]

People will say a lot of things online that they won't say to a person's face.  It's easy to forget that behind every monitor is a living, breathing person.

I don't have a FaceBook account so I don't know how that one thing works.

[workerbee]

This may be a sign of my age, or of my being completely out of step with the times, but I'm a bit shocked that someone would post updates about a matter as private as a miscarriage on Facebook. That's just my reaction.

The man who posted the remark was either callous or extremely ill-informed about the situation. No argument on that at all. "If you can't think of something nice to say, then say nothing at all," is a good lesson here.

POD on this. Not being on Facebook, but knowing a lot of people on it, I find it hard to fathom how people can post TMI updates, then expect that only positive, we-love-you messages will be left. If this is really a private issue, then post the awful news in private emails.

JMHO

This is how I feel about it as well. Maybe the OP's friend does too though and doesn't care about Captain Insensitive's comment. The comment was still a bit over the line though (unless it's an in-joke).

I guess I just don't understand how posting about the loss of a baby is considered TMI.  She didn't post the gory details (that, IMO, would be too much detail).  First post was that she thought that's what was happening.  Second was to update that it was, indeed a miscarriage.  Last post was several days later; they'd thought it was over and done with, but it hadn't been, quite.  She was in a great deal of physical pain and grieving.  If I posted about the loss of a pet or child or a severe injury that had me in a lot of pain (and, again, NOT the gory details, just that life sucked right now, basically), I don't see how that's TMI.

I don't think posting about a miscarriage on Facebook is TMI, necessarily, but it's not something I would do.  I had a miscarriage, and I didn't tell even my closest friends, so I certainly wouldn't be posting about it. People just have different levels of sharing personal information.

[Master_Edward]

Wow, what a creep! I don't care comments like that are never appropriate no matter what. I'm speechless. But I agree with what Baglady says. Ignore the guy's comment and focus on supporting your friend, I'm sure she'll take care of the guy herself. Whether that's defriending him or telling him how she feels or whatever. I'm not familiar enough with women having miscarriages to know what you mean by "it was dragged out over several days", and I probably don't want to.

I've had some relatives and friends who've miscarried so my sympathy to your friend on losing her unborn child.

Ed.

[Two Ravens]

I am going to disagree with the PP here and say I do think it is a bit TMI (for me) to post anything that personal on Facebook.  I would never post about someone's death or divorce or other hardship on there.

Consider this, when you are in person, you can choose how you tell people things like that.  Your face and tone of voice are going to set the stage for the conversation.  People can react to social cues like that.

On Facebook, this is not the case.  You log on and wham!, there are people's status are right in your face, usually accompanied by their smiling pictures.  I just don't think that is the appropriate way to share bad news.

[Raintree]

I would assume it's an in joke. Partly because I don't believe anyone is that much of a jerk and partly because I definately have that sort of rel@tionship with some people where a cruel comment is actually code for a bunch of mushy stuff we know but don't feel comfortable saying out loud.

That was my thought as well. So many in-jokes get misinterpreted on Facebook by friends who aren't in on it.  This one isn't nearly as bad but one of my friends, who posts something negative on a daily basis ("I have a headache" or "The world is crashing down around me") one day posted, "I'm so glad to see so many people on Facebook tonight...it means I'm not the only one sitting at home on a Friday night."

I was sitting at home alone that Friday night (by choice) and I tend to have a cynical sense of humour, so I posted back, "Or maybe they all left their computers on while they're out partying."

I noticed later that my post was deleted without a word, while all the other "supportive" comments were left up, which made me think, "Uh-oh....I think that was misinterpreted."

(I know my story doesn't touch miscarriage stories though. I also knew a couple that posted about their miscarriage on Facebook, to avoid having to tell people individually when they asked how the pregnancy was coming along. And I figure, you just don't joke about stuff like that).