GIFTS FOR THE HOSTESS PROBLEM

[artk2002]

Well, it's not unusual for her to polish off a whole bottle of champagne.   Many times we've shared 'a drink' at my place, I will put out a bottle of my champagne, and when it's empty, she goes into my fridge and gets another one!    Gads, I love her a lot as  a friend, but she is pushy, and I've got to somehow delicately try and let her know.   Her mom was an alcoholic and her sister still is.   Now I'm worried about her.   Her personality totally changes when she drinks and she talks louder and louder without stopping, and if you try to interrupt, she has a glazed look and just looks past you and keeps talking, like she didn't hear you.

Ah.  There's the source of your problem.  She did it because it's ok -- you've allowed her to take stuff rather than wait to have it offered before.  While she should replace the bottle, you bear a lot of responsibility for this.  Why didn't you stop her the very first time she did it?  "I'm sorry.  I only have the one bottle out -- what's in the 'fridge is not available."

I'm not quite sure about someone whose personality undergoes a major shift when under the influence -- and becomes loud and uniterruptable.  Why is this person around?  If she has alcoholic leanings, then you are not doing her a favor by letting her do this, with your alcohol. 

[ladygold]

In many ways I agree with you.   I've let her get away with things one too many times, and now she assumes.   Still, it never amazes me the gaul of some people.

[kudeebee]

In many ways I agree with you.   I've let her get away with things one too many times, and now she assumes.   Still, it never amazes me the gaul of some people.

I don't think this is true in this particular case.  If you left it out on the counter, even though it was a ways away, and you have let her help herself at your home before, she probably didn't see any difference in opening that bottle.  You knew she liked champagne, so she may have thought you left it out for her to enjoy.  If you hadn't wanted to share it, in her mind you wouldn't have left it out.

Next time take the specific gifts and stick them in a cupboard, out of the way.

[wheeitsme]

Thank you all of you who commented on this problem I had.    It makes me feel better that I was right to be mad!!    And, yes, I have asked her to replace THAT bottle of champagne, and I hope she gets the point that I want THAT brand, same thing.   It was Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin!   Not your everyday cheapo bottle!    I am awaiting the replacement bottle.   Let's see if she does the right thing.

Oh my.

Yeah.  She needs to replace it.  That is not an anybody can open and share with everybody bottle.

That bottle costs around $50 for an average year.  Good years cost even more.

[M-theory]

I think the fact that she lied about how much she drank makes it clear that it wasn't an honest mistake, even considering her very obvious alcohol problem.

[TootsNYC]

it was a gift to me along with a tray of sushi they also presented me with.

Did you serve the sushi that night? Or stash it in the fridge for another day?

[ladygold]

I stashed the sushi and put the champagne out of the way ..... or so I thought!   Those were going to be my treats to myself the next day!

[Nurvingiel]

I stashed the sushi and put the champagne out of the way ..... or so I thought!   Those were going to be my treats to myself the next day!

How disappointing! Depending on how out of the way it was, my feelings would range from mildly annoyed to pissed off.

However, your friend shows signs of being an alcoholic and she has gone into your fridge and helped herself before. I'm trying to say gently that she's not likely to stop helping herself and drinking a lot. You'll have to lock stuff like this away or really hide it if you don't want her to drink it.

I'd start by telling her not to go into the fridge. "Let me serve you, I feel like a terrible hostess."
"No seriously. Out of the fridge."

[ladygold]

Nurv, you are right.   I value our friendship, but at the same time, I may have to stage my own teeny intervention, diplomatically of course.  I'll have a little talk with her soon. 

[gollymolly2]

This sounds frustrating, but I really have to feel for the guest here. In my social circle, it's really typical that if people bring something to the party, it's intended for everyone to share, especially in a BYOB situation. So if I saw a bottle of champagne or a tray of sushi sitting on a counter at a party, I could see myself absentmindedly pouring myself a glass or taking a piece of sushi, assuming it was an hors d'ouevres (however it's spelled ).

I'd probably go easy on her this time and start drawing firmer boundaries from now on.

And I wouldn't hold an intervention for someone unless I was very very sure they had a problem and that we had an appropriate relationship for that. I certainly wouldn't hold one because someone drank a bottle of champagne at a party (I know that's not your only reason, I'm just throwin it out there).

[ladygold]

Well, I didn't mean a real 'intervention'.... just meant I will talk with her and that's all.   

[Miss Unleaded]

Maybe an ordinary bottle of wine at a party I'd open and pour myself a glass (if it was that kind of party), but champagne, especially good champagne, is the kind of drink that you make a big production of popping and pouring for everyone, making a toast, and savouring it.  So I suspect the fact that she sneakily broke into it and drank it all shows that yes, she knew she was stealing from you.  And yes, you are right to be annoyed with her for it.

[ladygold]

Hooray!  Seems she is ok with replacing it without any hard feelings!   I got this in an email from her today...

"I want to get out tomorrow and run the errands I was suppose to do Friday but got too late after our work meeting and the few things I did downtown.  I haven't forgotten you it's just I haven't been out shopping to pick up the champagne. That was one of the errands I wanted to do Friday...;+(   "

So I feel relieved that she knows she owes it to me and is going to pay up.   (After all, I bought her and her husband a bottle of 1999 Dom Perignon for the 10th Wedding Anniversary, along with a Dom Perignon silver ice bucket and 2 silver wine goblets.)  And I am unemployed!

[ladygold]

Well, I wanted to update you all on my situation...

I guess I have a very good friend after all...  Tonight I found a gift bag outside my door and inside was the exact same expensive bottle of champagne AND a tray of sushi with a lovely note of apology!!   She did the right thing, and I didn't even have to say a second word to her about it.

I'm so glad this was amicably resolved that now I will probably a gladly share a glass of it with her!

Thank you all for your advice and help! 

[Nurvingiel]

I am so glad it worked out! She really stepped up to the plate and did the right thing.