GIFTS FOR THE HOSTESS PROBLEM

[ladygold]

I had a Halloween party last week and provided all sorts of wines, beers, a punch and a non-alcoholic drink.  I also put in my invitations to BYOB as it's always hard to know what everyone likes to drink.
 
Every guest but one brought me something.  One brought me flowers, others brought their own favorite libation, and one guest gave me a special champagne as a gift for being the hostess.   The guest  who did not bring anything, sneakily went and opened MY bottle of champagne (which I had put off to the side away from the group drinks) and drank the whole bottle herself!
 
Being extremely busy during the party, I didn't find out until after the party that the champange that was meant for me was missing!   It was a very expensive French champagne which I really looked forward to having the next day for myself.  Then I found the empty bottle in the garbage.   I confronted the neighbor who brought nothing and asked her if she had opened that bottle.  She said she did but only had one glass.   I know that's not true as everyone else made use of what I made available.
 
I was livid as I believe if she preferred not to drink my drinks I provided, that she should have brought her own champagne or whatever!  She only lives one floor up from me and could  have easily gone up to get a bottle if she really didn't want any of mine.  But instead, she helped herself to MY gift from another guest! 
 
Am I right to be upset at this?   When a guest brings a gift for the hostess, do other guests have a right to dig in and share it??? 
thank you!

[artk2002]

Your neighbor stole from you.  She had absolutely no right to even touch that bottle.  I would demand that she replace it.

[amandaelizabeth]

I would never invite her for any thing again

[Lisbeth]

You have the right to be upset.  Hostess gifts do not have to be made available for consumption at the event-they are gifts to be used as the recipient sees fit, just like any other gift.

Your neighbor had no right to handle that bottle without your permission and you didn't give it.

[Animala]

This is how to narrow down an invite list. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

[JeanFromBNA]

You don't have a hostess gift problem.  You have a solution for future guest lists, which is they just got smaller.

[TootsNYC]

You've also learned that you need to put true "gifts" (i.e., those that are not "contributions to the party") *very* far away from the party itself. Like not "off to the side away from the group drinks" but "in another room behind a door."

Almost every time that a guest brought food or drink, in my own experience, the intent was for that to be shared. It's not that big a stretch for her to think that this was the case w/the champagne.

She may have thought that you were only *discouraging* people from drinking it or that it was off to the side because it was champagne (being saved for later in the party, maybe?) and not the other style of drinks. You did say BYOB, and that was a B. Every BYOB that I've been to, the Beverages were intended for group consumption.

[ladygold]

Thank you all of you who commented on this problem I had.    It makes me feel better that I was right to be mad!!    And, yes, I have asked her to replace THAT bottle of champagne, and I hope she gets the point that I want THAT brand, same thing.   It was Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin!   Not your everyday cheapo bottle!    I am awaiting the replacement bottle.   Let's see if she does the right thing.

[Hawkwatcher]

She drank the whole bottle by herself? 

[Amava]

So how was her reaction when you asked her whether she had opened it? Did she realise she had made a mistake, was she apologetic about it?

It could have been an honest mistake. Quite a misjudgement on her part, maybe, but still, not with evil purposes. She might not have realised it was a specific hostess gift. And she might very well not have realised how expensive it was. For some people, a bottle is just another bottle.
To be honest, I am a little iffy about bringing a bottle of exclusive champagne as a hostess gift to a BYOB. That just seems a bit of an odd thing to do, and could very well lead to confusion.

This being said, to answer your question: no, when a guest brings a gift for the hostess, the other guests do not have the automatic right to dig in and share. But I'm with Toots that it would have been better to put it further away if you wanted to save it, out of sight and out of reach, to avoid confusion.

Lastly, a question: are you really sure she drank it all by herself? She says she only had one glass. You said yourself that you were too busy to see her open it, let alone drink it. Would you have noticed if other guests drank of it, if you didn't notice that she drank it? Maybe it is not completely fair to assume she drank it all by herself.

I hope this gets resolved in a way you are both comfortable with, because in my book, a bottle of champagne, no matter how expensive, is not worth starting a neighbour feud over.  

[ladygold]

Yes, I'm 99% sure she drank it all herself as she was the only person at the party who likes champagne.  There were 9 guests and I know what all of them were drinking:  one didn't drink at all, one spilled his RED drink on the carpet, one drank his own red wine he brought,  and the other 5 drank my punch, as did I.  As far as her not realizing one bottle from another, she knew VERY well what type of champagne this was and how expensive this champagne was.    She is very familiar with brands of champagne, as she works in a restaurant and her and her husband used to be in catering & nightclubing.  Not only that, but her favorite drink IS champagne.

The only benefit of a doubt I can give her is that she may have thought it was too near all the other drinks and therefore assumed it was for the group.   You are right, that I should have put it completely away, and I have since learned my lesson.  But still, since she is supposed to be my best friend and I would have thought she would politely ask first.  Not only that, but she was present when the couple brought the bottle into my apartment and was in earshot of them saying it was a gift to me along with a tray of sushi they also presented me with.   

I'm having a very difficult time believing she just 'accidentally' opened it.   When I confronted her with this situation, she did not apologize but said she would replace it.

[Amava]

Okay. Then I hope she will follow through, and since she knows about champagne, that she will replace it with the proper one.

I do hope it all works out fine. You say she is a close friend, so with a little bit of luck she will act like a good friend who has made a mistake, and make it right.

And sorry to hear about your carpet.

[cicero]

I think she may have made an honest mistake - I agree with Toots that she may have thought that "things that people brought" were meant to be served *at* the party.

I think, as well, that you were already feeling angry at this person because she didn't bring a hostess gift. for some reason, you seem to think that people have to/should bring a gift - otherwise, why do you not only mention that she is the only one who didn't bring anything, but you also go to the trouble of indicating the specific gifts that people brought. If you take the "she brought nothing" out of the story, then her "crime" is that she drank an entire bottle of expensive champagne all by herself. tacky - yes. rude - maybe. not a hill to die on

[Hawkwatcher]

If she honestly thought that the champagne was for the guests, she should have only taken one glass and left the rest for everyone else.

[ladygold]

Well, it's not unusual for her to polish off a whole bottle of champagne.   Many times we've shared 'a drink' at my place, I will put out a bottle of my champagne, and when it's empty, she goes into my fridge and gets another one!    Gads, I love her a lot as  a friend, but she is pushy, and I've got to somehow delicately try and let her know.   Her mom was an alcoholic and her sister still is.   Now I'm worried about her.   Her personality totally changes when she drinks and she talks louder and louder without stopping, and if you try to interrupt, she has a glazed look and just looks past you and keeps talking, like she didn't hear you.