more wedding issues, ready to throw in the towel.

[Aleka]

If I may say this, uuuugggghhhhh.  Planning this wedding has been so incredibly complicated.  First we were going to do something tiny in Seattle, then it started becoming something with more like 50-60 people because of having to invite certain distant family members in order to keep the peace.  Then we decided to having the wedding where we live in Alaska because it was getting too complicated to plan a wedding like that from thousands of miles away.  There were also issues with my mother being excessively snarky, and issues with my fiance's mother too.  Next, we had plenty of issues with finding an appropriate wedding reception location, but it was finally found!  Everything was looking great!  All of our guests except Paul's parents live out of state, so they would all have to travel, but it was agreed here on the forum that it isn't rude for us to choose to get married where we live.

Now my mom called to tell me that my grandpa's wife is flipping out about the wedding being in Alaska instead of Seattle and that she and my grandpa won't come because they think it's ridiculous to have it in Alaska (even though we live here), and that it's rude of us to have it here and expect people to come all the way here.  Oh, and don't we know we'll get smaller gifts if people have to fly so far?! (Note: We're not remotely concerned with the size of gifts)  Grandpa's wife says they can't afford to come here, even though they're fairly wealthy (grandpa is a doctor), they just got back from a 4 week trip around Europe and go on such trips twice a year, AND they were just asking my mom when I'm graduating from the university so they can fly up here for the ceremony.  She thinks flying here for a graduation is reasonable, but not for our wedding because I guess it's not as significant.  I'm not trying to tell people how to spend their money, or to assume that anyone can afford to come up here, and I certainly don't think they're obligated to come, but I'm kind of surprised.  My mom said grandpa's wife ranted on in this vein for a good half hour or so.  Oh and that if they did come, they would be "glowering the whole time" as she put it. *Sigh*  During this conversation, my grandpa's only contribution apparently was that he hates weddings and has been dreading having to go to ours.  This hurts, but I've never got the impression that he really cared for me anyway so it's not too surprising I guess.  I could go on more about what else was said, but I think I've included the things that are most relevant.

So, our options are to continue on as planned and probably only have about 18 people come (if no one from Mom's side comes), or move it BACK to Seattle to appease that side of the family (which I am loathe to do because we decided not to have the wedding in Seattle for several good reasons, and I don't like being pushed around/emotionally blackmailed), or to just go to the JOP next week and get married with Paul's parents present, or one other option.  We could have the wedding here in Fairbanks, but only invite my parents and brother, and Paul's parents, brother and nephews.  They are the people we feel we must have at our wedding.  We could have a delightfully small, intimate ceremony at the botanical garden we've already reserved, then go to our favorite restaurant afterwards to celebrate.  No renting of a venue or reception or anything.  We could even have a tiny cake.  It would be so stress free this way.  The important thing here is that I will be marrying my best friend with our closest family present.  It sounds lovely, don't you think?

If we have immediate family only, there will only be 11 or 12 of us (depending on whether my brother's girlfriend comes).  I can see where people may suggest we continue on with our plans to invite our whole families and rent the event room at the hotel for the reception even if only 18 people come, but that would mean so much extra money for something so small since we'd have to plan as if all 60 of our guests are coming.

Of course if we do it this way, some of our family members will still be upset.  I'll bet my grandpa's wife will think it's rude that we're not having it in Seattle still, and my mom's sister and my cousins will surely be disappointed that they aren't invited even though it would be pretty expensive for them to come.  I feel bad about my dad's side of the family too, one of his siblings has already contacted me asking about hotel info.  Note that we haven't sent out Save the Dates or invitations or anything.  To handle these family members, would it be appropriate to simply send them all letters explaining that as much as we would have loved to have them at our wedding (which is true), due to complications we've decided to have a very small wedding with our immediate family members only?

So, what do you all think?  I wanted so much to please as many people as possible, but I'm certain it is impossible for that to happen.  We would ideally be having a slightly bigger wedding than only our immediate family, but we'll do what we can do and I'm sure it will be lovely.  Kudos to anyone who made it all the way through this horrifyingly long post.

[FunkyMunky]

You could always have a reception later in Seattle if you were so inclined.

Take several huge deep breaths and talk with your fiance. You don't have to please everyone else.

[Aleka]

FunkyMunky, I'm feeling much better now that I've talked it over with my fiance and had a good cry.  I still would like to know what others think though and if our plan to keep the wedding at immediate family only (our parents and siblings and his nephews) while apologizing to the more distant family members is appropriate and polite.  Thanks so much for your response.  When we got engaged, I had no idea things would get this hairy.  But hey, if it's indicative of anything, the fiance and I have agreed with each other every step of the way down this bizarre road.

[Bethalize]

Don't be pushed around! Set your wedding, invite everyone and enjoy those who come. It's amazing how people decide that they will change their minds now the world isn't going to change for them.

[Hawkwatcher]

Don't be pushed around! Set your wedding, invite everyone and enjoy those who come. It's amazing how people decide that they will change their minds now the world isn't going to change for them.

I agree.  It is possible that some of these people might complain no matter where the OP held her wedding.  The OP may want to consider the possibility that her mother might be exaggerating some of these complaints since the OP has described her as "excessively snarky."  One possible solution is to tell Mom to stop sharing so much information.   

I would not suggest writing a letters to people who are not invited.  Such letters might be misinterpreted.

[cicero]

Don't be pushed around! Set your wedding, invite everyone and enjoy those who come. It's amazing how people decide that they will change their minds now the world isn't going to change for them.

I agree.  It is possible that some of these people might complain no matter where the OP held her wedding.  The OP may want to consider the possibility that her mother might be exaggerating some of these complaints since the OP has described her as "excessively snarky."  One possible solution is to tell Mom to stop sharing so much information.   

I would not suggest writing a letters to people who are not invited.  Such letters might be misinterpreted.

absolutely.

[Aleka]

Thanks for the replies!  I don't think my mother was lying.  Yes, she can be snarky and unpleasant, but she doesn't lie.  I know her better than that.  She was upset after the conversation with her father and step-mom too.  Also, the guests I would want to send notes to are my father's siblings.  I don't know if that makes a difference!  But I know they've all discussed whether or not they'll come to the wedding and I'm certain they get the impression that they're invited since my father has mentioned the wedding to them.  None of them are people I'm close to, I haven't seen any of them in years but my dad is fairly close to his siblings.

Thanks to everyone for sticking with me as I go through all these different plans! 

[camlan]

Aleka, I have no idea which plan would work out better for you. But I do want to commend you for keeping your head while all those around you are losing theirs.

Your and your DF should sit down, forget all about any previous wedding plans, and start from scratch. To get married, there needs to be a bride, a groom and an officiant. Everything else is optional. Figure out what you really, really want to have on your wedding day, including which people you want to celebrate with you. Then do exactly that. Your extended family has shown that they don't care so much about you, as a person, and celebrating with you, as they do about making a fuss and complaining. The wedding isn't about them. It's about you and your DF. It's time your extended family grew up and realized this.

I've had to take a ski lift to a wedding reception site. I've gotten lost driving around trying to find the quaint little country church that was the perfect wedding site, even if it wasn't on any map. I've schlepped halfway across the country for weddings. I've been to a reception held in a cow pasture. I had the option to refuse to attend any of these weddings, but because I cared about the people getting married, I put a smile on my face, bought the plane ticket/map/shoes rugged enough for the cow pasture, and went to the wedding. And had a good time at all of them.

Your family will either continue to complain, in which case, set them all on ignore, or they'll accept the fact that they can't control your every action any more and deal with it.

[greenleafmountain]

We're dealing with a similar situation, having the wedding in a town where all of our family members will have to travel (and catching flack for it!). We had a bunch of people complaining about having to travel, but they've now resigned themselves to it    I would just keep going with the original plans anyway, including inviting your grandfather and his wife.  Just because your grandfather and his wife are upset, doesn't mean that no one from your mother's side will will come.  And honestly I think once they have some time to get used to the idea they'll end up coming.  If they ever mention coming up for graduation you could say something "Oh, I don't want to ask you to fly up twice in one year!  I'd much rather have you come to the wedding!" then smile, and act like you know nothing about the phone call.  It doesn't sound like they have any trouble traveling, and they also know they'll have to deal with questions from the extended family, who know how often they travel as well, if they don't go.  Just make the typical accommodations for out of towners, blocking off rooms at a hotel and such.  I would think that most family members, unless there's some sort of personal issues, will get on board in the end.

That's all assuming, of course, that you want the original wedding.  If you really want immediate family only, then go for it.  Some people may be disappointed, but I think they'll eventually understand.  Not being invited to a JOP ceremony and dinner at a local restaurant is different from knowing that there's a BWW going on that 100 other people got invited to, but they're being excluded from.

[Animala]

Ohh a fun controlling momusing other people's opinions to try and make you do what she wants. 

What I would do is plan just what you want and only what you want. Don't change your plans for people who don't want to there and don't let your mom drag you into all of the drama.   Frankly if she pulled that again I'd tell she's right. its so unfair to make everyone come up there.  Thanl you for sharing that.  We've decided to get married by the JP in however long it takes to get a marriage license. 

[Sophia]

I love your idea of a small wedding, and then going to a restaurant afterward.  In fact, that was my PlanB the entire time.   I wish it had been my PlanA.  We had a more standard reception, but the costs snowballed.  Example, we were going to use an mp3 player for the music.  I'd even setup hand-me-down audio equipment to do it right.  Then mom and dad heard a singer that really got people dancing, he was only $250.  After a few things like that, we were overbudget.  

eta:  As someone who had a glowering Grandmother at my wedding, I say avoiding that is enough reason to have the wedding in Alaska.  That was three months ago, and I haven't talked to her since. 

[BettyDraper]

Aleka, I have no idea which plan would work out better for you. But I do want to commend you for keeping your head while all those around you are losing theirs.

Your and your DF should sit down, forget all about any previous wedding plans, and start from scratch. To get married, there needs to be a bride, a groom and an officiant. Everything else is optional. Figure out what you really, really want to have on your wedding day, including which people you want to celebrate with you. Then do exactly that. Your extended family has shown that they don't care so much about you, as a person, and celebrating with you, as they do about making a fuss and complaining. The wedding isn't about them. It's about you and your DF. It's time your extended family grew up and realized this.

I've had to take a ski lift to a wedding reception site. I've gotten lost driving around trying to find the quaint little country church that was the perfect wedding site, even if it wasn't on any map. I've schlepped halfway across the country for weddings. I've been to a reception held in a cow pasture. I had the option to refuse to attend any of these weddings, but because I cared about the people getting married, I put a smile on my face, bought the plane ticket/map/shoes rugged enough for the cow pasture, and went to the wedding. And had a good time at all of them.

Your family will either continue to complain, in which case, set them all on ignore, or they'll accept the fact that they can't control your every action any more and deal with it.

This is good advice.

It sounds as though you really want the intimate family wedding with the restaurant meal.  If so, go for it.  
As the expression goes: "The who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."  In other words, people who love you will be happy for you whether they are there or not.  

[Sophia]

...As the expression goes: "The who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."  In other words, people who love you will be happy for you whether they are there or not.  

Oooooh, Good one.  I live it, and I love it, but I've never heard it. 

[Nuala]

We could have the wedding here in Fairbanks, but only invite my parents and brother, and Paul's parents, brother and nephews.  They are the people we feel we must have at our wedding.  We could have a delightfully small, intimate ceremony at the botanical garden we've already reserved, then go to our favorite restaurant afterwards to celebrate.  No renting of a venue or reception or anything.  We could even have a tiny cake.  It would be so stress free this way.  The important thing here is that I will be marrying my best friend with our closest family present.  It sounds lovely, don't you think?

Yes, it does sound lovely. 

Lovely and wonderful and perfect.

[Valentines Mommy]

Aleka,

I could have written your post when I was newly engaged.  I think you and your DF should talk about the things that are important to the two of you, with regards to the wedding.  Its just a fact of life that you will not be able to please everyone while planning your wedding.  So, why not focus on pleasing yourselves?  To ehell with everyone who feels they have the right to dictate how large or small your wedding is or where you have it!  

I agree with all the other posters who said that people who love you enough to want to be there will find a way to do just that.