Facebook and extremely insensitive people.

[Brentwood]

Agreed, but then why did the OP even bring it up?  She has no immediate stake in the byplay between the Facebook page owner and the "insensitive" poster. 

Our only option here, as on most threads, is to discuss it hypothetically or not at all.  If we left everyone's rel@tionships to them, so to speak, eHell would be left with little more than "Cute photos beyond belief" and the "I need a Hug" thread.

She brought it up to find out if she should say something about it. My answer is "No. Leave it between them."

[Twik]

Jeepers, telling your friends and family that you had a miscarriage, and are feeling bad is "too much information" for Facebook? I guess it's just for publishing "Here's how wasted I was Saturday night" photos and such.

[itsmeforever]

When someone posts a message in the "I Need a Hug" folder, then anyone who reads it knows from the outset that the OP is going through something painful/difficult/stressful and needs a hug!

Facebook is more of a general forum- people are free to post about whatever they like, from the serious to the silly, from political to fantastical. There is no special category where a post is clearly marked as being one where the poster needs comforting.

I agree that the person who responded "Quit being such a baby...etc" was either callous to what the poster was going through, or ill informed about what she was posting about. My personal response, however, was some shock that someone would post about a miscarriage on Facebook.

Slightly off topic, but it was just news that Penelope Trunk twittered about her miscarriage at a work meeting. Many people had varied reactions to the appropriateness of that, and I suspect it could become a hot topic here as well.

I was surprised as well. If it were me, I would PM anyone I felt needed an update, but keep it off my general status. It seems much isn't kept private anymore. One of mine and my DH's friends on FB posted about her boyfriend dying and the circumstances. She is also friends with my kids. I quickly went into my kids accounts and hid her. I was a little distrubed.

With that said...the comment the guy made on the status update was insensitive. Even if he didn't know the story, he shouldn't have made a comment. Sometimes not saying anything is best.

[Miss March]

I understand that some people utilize Facebook in a more personal way than I do. For me, personally, Facebook is not a forum where I would share big news. I find the 2-3 sentence long format to be limiting. I would rather type out a lengthy email and share that with my select few (or pick up the phone and talk directly, which I do feel is best when the news is particularly dire). For me, Facebook is little more then a place to post about a favorite tv show or share a quick hello.

But I realize that the times are changing, and that more and more people are growing up with this technology and are becoming more comfortable with the internet age than I am. Some people do feel comfortable sharing news (such as the news of a miscarriage) on Facebook, I can see that. Times change, but everyone is free to behave as they feel most comfortable.

[fountainof]

I must admit I dislike communication such as email/texts/FB for really important things.  For me personally, I find that because tone cannot be properly shown and that presents an issue with sensitive topics.

I am actually a little concerned for the future if it becomes a place where people socialize mostly via technology, as most of communication is nonverbal people will only be used to getting part of the message.  How will people really understand anything?  How will people know how to act face-to-face where nonverbal cues are obvious?  It is really scary for me mainly because I read body language very well and can usually understand what people aren't saying.  Does this mean that we now have to actually say everything out loud/in writing?  What about the nuances of knowing a friend is hurting just through the way she non-smiles?  She may say she is fine, but you know from her tone she really wants you to invite her to coffee.  People like me who never say out loud our feelings (I express them through nonverbal communication and doing things for people) I think may be scr*wed.  Anyhow, end rant.

I think the comments were insensitive no matter what.  Inside jokes have no place on a social network where other people can misunderstand them, unless of course the commentor is okay with people thinking he is a jerk.

As for the news of the miscarriage, I personally don't tell people everything but some people I know do. There is a bit TMI on the FB page discussed as the author says "it started up again", which we all know what that means and it is gross but I think that is fine if she is comfortable disclosing such things.

[Twik]

I suppose I really can't see the point of having a "personal page" that's reserved for essentially non-personal communication. Perhaps this is because I don't use Facebook, but I was under the impression that its main function was to keep people up to date on what was going on in your life. Having a serious medical condition is, indeed, something that I would expect people close enough to me to follow my page to be interested in knowing. I assumed it would save me the headache of typing out the same information over and over (or worse, the trauma of saying the same thing over and over on the phone), only to have Cousin Molly come crying to me six months later about how *I* was the bad one for not telling her the news immediately, and how could I have forgotten *her*?

If it's all "I watched Scrubs last night", but "I have a serious problem right now" is forbidden, it sounds like an even more, well, insignificant pastime than I'd supposed.

If "I had a miscarriage" is too personal, would "Great news, I'm pregnant!" also be far too personal to put on Facebook?

[Two Ravens]

What you type on your "personal page" gets broadcast across your "friends" news feeds.  To me, its akin to yelling something across a cocktail party.  If you want to post personal details of your medical problems on your blog, that fine, as people would presumably have to go to your blog to find this information out.

Also, generally telling bad news is handled more discreetly than good news.  People put their engagement annoucements in the newspaper as well.  Pregnancies are annouced with a party.  Miscarriages are not.

[kingsrings]

One of my friends is really, super involved in a MLM (ACN). She used to post "ads" for it on her friend's pages, I don't know if she still does. I haven't see one yet on my page fortunately, or I'd have to PM her and tell her not to do that. But still I shudder when she posts for the umpteenth time how wonderful this MLM is and how it has inspired her life, etc.

[Nurvingiel]

What you type on your "personal page" gets broadcast across your "friends" news feeds.  To me, its akin to yelling something across a cocktail party.  If you want to post personal details of your medical problems on your blog, that fine, as people would presumably have to go to your blog to find this information out.

Also, generally telling bad news is handled more discreetly than good news.  People put their engagement annoucements in the newspaper as well.  Pregnancies are annouced with a party.  Miscarriages are not.

This is an unfair comparison, especially the second paragraph. People announce their engagements and births (around here, people don't announce pregnancies in the newspaper) to celebrate them. No one is going to celebrate a miscarriage (obviously).

A better comparison would be sending a mass email to your friends and family.

[Sharnita]

I know a lot of my friends pray for people who are going through a hard time - as do their friends and family.  If I suffered a terrible loss like that I would appreciate prayers from friends and family of my friends - and they would be happy to do so.

[MrsO]

What you type on your "personal page" gets broadcast across your "friends" news feeds.  To me, its akin to yelling something across a cocktail party.  If you want to post personal details of your medical problems on your blog, that fine, as people would presumably have to go to your blog to find this information out.

Also, generally telling bad news is handled more discreetly than good news.  People put their engagement annoucements in the newspaper as well.  Pregnancies are annouced with a party.  Miscarriages are not.

Actually, deaths are announced in the newspaper (obituaries) all the time.

[Two Ravens]

What you type on your "personal page" gets broadcast across your "friends" news feeds.  To me, its akin to yelling something across a cocktail party.  If you want to post personal details of your medical problems on your blog, that fine, as people would presumably have to go to your blog to find this information out.

Also, generally telling bad news is handled more discreetly than good news.  People put their engagement annoucements in the newspaper as well.  Pregnancies are annouced with a party.  Miscarriages are not.

This is an unfair comparison, especially the second paragraph. People announce their engagements and births (around here, people don't announce pregnancies in the newspaper) to celebrate them. No one is going to celebrate a miscarriage (obviously).

A better comparison would be sending a mass email to your friends and family.

I wasn't making a comparison, I was giving examples of how relating "good news" in generally more relaxed than bad news.  I think a mass email (or PM on Facebook) is a much better way of relaying bad/ potentially disturbing information then posting it in your status.  Perhaps your Facebook friends contain only your nearest and dearest, but that is not the case for me, or anyone I know.

[noexitwounds]

How will people really understand anything?  How will people know how to act face-to-face where nonverbal cues are obvious?  It is really scary for me mainly because I read body language very well and can usually understand what people aren't saying.  Does this mean that we now have to actually say everything out loud/in writing?  What about the nuances of knowing a friend is hurting just through the way she non-smiles?  She may say she is fine, but you know from her tone she really wants you to invite her to coffee.  People like me who never say out loud our feelings (I express them through nonverbal communication and doing things for people) I think may be scr*wed. 

You might be interested in reading up on 'digital natives,' a catch all term for people of an age where the nonverbal technologies predate their births. What they find happens is that people compensate and gain a more nuanced understanding of written language. If you think about it, for any given concept (leaving out Eskimos and 'snow') there is likely more than one word which would convey the same general thing. By deciding to use one word or another you're making a choice about tone, formality, conveyance, etc., the same way that your body language would. People who communicate with you primarily through text then become aware of that nuance both more generally (how it applies to all people) and specifically (why you'd, personally, choose a suddenly more formal word for something you're usually casual about). That process compensates for most, if not all, of what's lost re: body language. Additionally, digital natives *don't* use body language the way it has been used traditionally; for one, they're less likely to be physically expressive or to have subtle changes in their expressions when conversing outloud because it's not valuable to their primary mode of communication. /end random

As for the news of the miscarriage, I personally don't tell people everything but some people I know do. There is a bit TMI on the FB page discussed as the author says "it started up again", which we all know what that means and it is gross but I think that is fine if she is comfortable disclosing such things.

I agree. Some people use FB as a private forum while some people use it as a more public, reconnect with people from high school ten years ago and guys I know from work forum. If you're the former then the 'usual' rules of posting to a public internet forum (beware the trolls!) don't apply due to differences of access. If you're the latter, you're probably not going to announce a miscarriage on your FB status.

[miranova]

I don't really understand all of the discussion over whether or not it was TMI.  If you don't post personal things on Facebook then great, that's your choice.  Some people do and presumably they know their friends well enough to know what their friends would want to know.  Something that hasn't been brought up is this:  if one has already announced their pregnancy and then has a miscarriage, the news has to be spread somehow.  Nothing is more awkward or painful than someone asking about your pregnancy when you have already lost the baby.  I'm going to give the OP's friend some slack here; she may have felt like a FB announcement about the bad news was the only way she could handle untelling the pregnancy news to all of those people without breaking down over and over again.  Sure I guess a mass email would work but how exactly is that different than a FB status update?  When someone is grieving I'm not going to rake them over the coals for their method of communication.

[DottyG]

Miranova, that's my thinking as well.

This is yet another case where someone who's grieving is just trying to get through any way they can. That way may be different than another person's, but it doesn't mean it's wrong.