Ex-students on Facebook

[dizzygoround]

I've been a high school teacher for almost a decade, and sometimes I get FB friend requests from former students of mine. I always accept them, as I tend to have fond memories of them and I'm always curious to know what they've been up to.

However. I have recently had a request from a young man we'll call Jake. When I taught Jake (about 2 years ago) he was appallingly behaved in my lessons, refused to follow my instructions, spoke inappropriately to me, threw tantrums when I punished him, did not work to his potential... you get the idea. Furthermore, his mother believed he could do no wrong, and he simply ran to her for protection whenever I (or any teacher) tried to discipline him. All teacher ehellions will know that trying to deal with a poorly-behaved student without parental support is extremely difficult.

I do not want this boy (he'd be about 15 now) to have any access to me or my private life. I figure if he couldn't treat me with respect when I was his teacher, why should I accept him as a "friend" now? I ignored his request. But... there are several other kids from his school on my friend list, and he knows this, so it probably looks unfair. Also, he sent me a message 2 weeks after I ignored his request, saying "Hi Miss Dizzy! hahaha" (that's it.)

Should I tell this boy that I do not want any contact with him, and why? And do you think I'm being unfair to to not want anything to do with such a young kid?

[enjoyetiquettehell]

I am curious what other have to say. I am wondering if it is even appropriate that you have former students on your facebook especially if they are still in school.

[dizzygoround]

Appropriate? Well, I suppose I don't see it as being much different to the teachers I kept in touch with by letter or email when I was a kid. FB is, for me, merely a tool for keeping in touch (though I realise it's much more than that for some people). And there's really nothing about my private life which would be inappropriate for these kids to see, it's just that I want this particular kid at arm's length.

[MissRose]

If i was a teacher, and any former students asked to friend me on a social site, I would friend them if I had no issues with them from the past.  I've not actively seeked out any of my former teachers from my school & uni years, and I am sure if any of them were on Facebook they would have no issue accepting requests.  I've not actively sought out any former classmates but some have come up as suggestions to add them but I'm not ready to do that yet.

[charlotte26]

Any student that has graduated would be okay but any student that still is in the school system should not be on
your facebook. My district has warned its teachers not to have facebook pages because of problems it can create.

[cicero]

you aren't his teacher any more so I wouldn't really worry about the 'fairness' issue. if he was sorry about his past behavior (e.g., if his message said "Ms. Dizzy sorry for how i behaved") then I would tell you to consider his friend request*. but since he seems to be acting like an immature baby, i wouldn't. you don't have to explain anything to him - he'll get the message.

keep in mind, though, that if his friends are your friends they might share info about you with him.

*assuming of course that there isn't a legal problem with a former teacher being in touch with students

[blueberry.muffin]

Any student that has graduated would be okay but any student that still is in the school system should not be on
your facebook. My district has warned its teachers not to have facebook pages because of problems it can create.

I think that's a smart move on your district's end, but I don't necessarily agree with ruling out school students altogether. A high school "underwater basket weaving" (henceforth UBW) teacher acquaintance of mine has a facebook page and "friends" students he currently teaches, along with past students. He uses the page to help students post announcements for their UBW club, as well as to post UBW-related issues for the students to see (never as homework, just as supplemental material). Students can post pictures from UBW activities as well. Nothing even remotely inappropriate ends up on the site. (Oh, and for what it's worth, this is a teacher with ~15 years of teaching experience, in his forties, with lots of praise from parents.)

He has other, adult friends on there as well. I'm not sure how he juggles between the two, but he seems pleased with it.

[Bob Ducca]

I wouldn't do it.  I wouldn't worry about the "fairness" thing, it's your private life, you don't need to be "fair."

I do have former students as friends on FB, all but two have graduated high school, those two are seniors and the "friending" was done with parent communication.  I won't friend children at all, whether church associates or friend associates.

I have tons of friends who are my current students' parents, mostly because I went to high school with them, so I tend not to post a lot about work, anyway.

FWIW, our district's warning about FB was also about MySpace, e-mail and text messaging: no such communication with current students, ever, for any reason, at all.  We have also been told not to reference work in any way on our FB page that could be misinterpreted.  So, we can say "I had a bad day at work," but we can't say, "Terrible day: 65% of our students failed the State Test!"

[greenleafmountain]

I wouldn't do it.  There will be nothing positive that comes out of having this student as a facebook friend, and a good possibility that something negative will result.  In the future if you don't want someone to know you've ignored their friend request, you can always leave them in "Friend purgatory", as an acquaintance of mine calls it.  Don't click "ignore" and don't click "accept", just leave the request hanging.  If you hit "ignore" and the student tries to look you up again, the "add as a friend" option will be reactivated, and he'll know you ignored him.  If you never respond at all, then when he tries to look you up it will simply say "friend requested" and he won't be able to do anything about it or see your profile.  That way if he asks "why haven't you accepted me yet on facebook?" you can just say something like "oh, I hardly ever use that thing.  I probably haven't gotten around to checking."  And the truth is, you never will get around to it...

[Harriet Jones]

I wouldn't friend him -- I like the 'purgatory' option where you don't respond to the request at all. 

[TootsNYC]

Eh, there's no long-term positive here.

Just click "ignore."

Even though he may still be able to see who your friends are, and he might notice some of his classmates or other obviously-former-students among them, that's not something you need to worry about.


The only problem w/ the "purgatory" option is that every time you go to your Home page, you'll see the reminder of the 1 friend request. That's a small psychic price to pay. I still use that option, but not long term. I just wait about 2 weeks, hope they've forgotten whether they sent the request, or whether they ever heard anything about it, and then I click ignore.

[Sharnita]

I wouldn't do it.  I don't friend former students at all.  Even if they are out of the school system many have friends and/or siblings who are still in and might even have me as a current or future teacher.  My students demand a lot of time and resources - emotional, mental, financial from me.  Facebook is a place I go for friendly interaction, encouragement, renewal, etc.  I need some time and space safegarded from students past and present.  Another concern is that many of my frineds are fellow teachers.  I want them to be able to post without fear that a student (current or former) is viewing their posts.

OP, in your case there is absolutely no reason to friend this student.  Fairness is not an issue - you don't have to admit everybody to your private life.  

ETA: I take care to make sure my security settings are pretty high which makes it difficult for the kids to even find me.

[hot_shaker]

I agree with the people who are saying not to friend him.  You don't like him, don't friend him.

There's a way to completely hide yourself from this boy.  Go to your Privacy Settings and add this kid to your Block List.

Block People

If you block someone, they will not be able to find you in a Facebook search, see your profile, or interact with you through Facebook channels (such as Wall posts, Poke, etc.). Any Facebook ties you currently have with a person you block will be broken (for example, friendship connections, relationship Status, etc.). Note that blocking someone may not prevent all communications and interactions in third-party applications, and does not extend to elsewhere on the Internet.

I think the only way he would even know you're on FB is if you comment on a mutual friend's page.

[dizzygoround]

Thanks for the views, everyone.

Just to clear a couple of things up: I would NEVER accept a request from a current student. All of the students on my friend list (and there are only a few) are students I no longer teach; some have graduated. Also, they are kids I had a good rapport with, and whose parents I knew.

I now live in Australia, and Jake goes to a school I taught at in England. In the UK, teachers I knew were of the belief that it's fine to keep in touch with students if you are no longer their teacher. I'm not sure what the view is here in Oz, but I haven't taught here since 2004 anyway. I guess in some ways Facebook is a "safe" way to keep in touch - that way there's always evidence if either party behaves in an untoward manner.

Yep, I think I'll just keep Jake in purgatory and let him figure out why Miss Dizzy no longer has time for him.  

[MissyMa'am]

Also, he sent me a message 2 weeks after I ignored his request, saying "Hi Miss Dizzy! hahaha" (that's it.)

This, coupled with the fact that he sent the message after there was a high likelihood that he knew you were ignoring him, leads me to believe that he only wants to "friend" you to cause trouble.  It says to me, "I see you, Miss Dizzy, even though you're ignoring me!  Haha!"  Friending you would allow him to comment on your status updates, pictures, etc.  I think you're wise to keep ignoring him, and if the other students ask, say something vague and bean dip.