General Etiquette > Life...in general

Another Christmas etiquette question

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freakyfemme:
Hey all,

This seems to be a ruder-than-normal holiday season....but again, I don't know who was rude, me, my family, or my friend.  For our purposes, let's call my friend "Pedro."  We're close, we've been friends since grade nine, and I get along really well with everyone in his family, and he gets along well with my parents.  But still, we have certain boundaries, or at least, I thought we did.  Anyway, last night, my family was going to decorate our Christmas tree, and we'd just sat down to a pre-decorating dinner of take-out pizza, when Pedro called.  He asked me if I was busy that night, and I said I was, I was having dinner and then decorating the tree with my family, and he then proceeded to ASK IF HE COULD COME OVER TO HELP, since his mother had put up their tree while he was still away at school, and he'd missed out.  Gobsmacked, I stammered out, "Okay," because he sounded so insistent, and I said I'd ask the family and then call back after dinner, figuring I'd relay Pedro's request to my family, and they'd say no.  I said I'd rather he not come, because a) Decorating the tree is a family thing, and b) Pedro is g@y, and my brother is extremely homophobic. 

Anyway......not only did they say they wanted him to come, they also gave me chapter and verse on how rude I was to NOT want him there.  I tried to explain how I felt, but they just kept dismissing and bulldozing over everything I said.  Anyway, I called Pedro back after dinner, and my mom and I had to go get him, since his parents had taken both vehicles (which would be fine under NORMAL circumstances, since he's given me rides many times), and on the way, my mom continued to go on and on about how rude I was, and insisted that I offer Pedro some pizza and ice cream, although he'd told me that he'd JUST eaten (yes, I'd asked).  When I rang Pedro's doorbell, he "gifted" me with yet ANOTHER CD of himself singing (he'd given me one last year as well--different years, different recordings).  Now, as a performance major myself, I find this a bit narcissistic, because the way I see it, audition CD's are audition CD's, not gifts.  But anyway.....more on that later.

When we arrived back home, and Pedro had had pizza and ice cream (which I'm sure he ate just to please my mom), he started going through all our ornaments and *meticulously* placing them on the tree in exactly the places he thought they should go, putting more thought into the whole process than we do ("we" meaning the "regular" members of the Starvingartist clan, lol), and asking about things that I'd really rather have kept private, like the ornaments that my parents had bought when they got married, when they moved into the house when I was two years old, and the random ones my brother and I made in school when we were kids.  As for my brother himself......the whole time this was going on, he just stayed in his room and didn't participate the way he normally would have.  Yes, it meant I didn't have to run interference as the PC Police in case he said something homophobic, but it also kind of felt like Pedro was trying to commandeer a temporary place as my parents' son.  Okay, it's true that Pedro's parents treat me like their own daughter when I visit him, but the way I see it, that's all the more reason why I feel I should respect boundaries, and remember that I'm *not* their daughter, especially at certain times.....like this. 

To top it off, mid-way through the decorating process, Pedro insisted that we play his CD, so we could "give him our opinion."  This may not seem rude, but at the time, we were already listening to other music, and I'd planned to play a (single-song) Christmas CD that one of my friends at school had recorded (let's call her Princess Mezzodiva), that I'd bought partly because of PM, and partly because the proceeds went towards the refugee sponsorship fund, which enables two refugee students per year to attend Bishops, who wouldn't otherwise be able to do so.  But no, Pedro's CD *HAD* to come first......so it did, and PM got squeezed in at the end of the evening, after the impromptu Pedropalooza.  Of course, I was nice to him throughout the whole evening, because he's my friend and all, but SHEESH.  Who does that?  Seriously, who thinks it's okay to invite themselves over to someone else's house to hijack a FAMILY activity, and then turn it into an opportunity to show off?

As if that wasn't enough, my mom gave me *another* dressing-down on the way to work this morning, about how "rude" I'd been about having Pedro over, and then *very* smarmily asked "if I'd had a good time with him."  I hadn't, really.....I found it really trying and weird, but of course, I lied and said "yes," because telling the truth would have resulted in further lecturing.  Oh, and sure enough, my brother had managed to fit in a few real zingers about Pedro's voice, movements, etc. earlier this morning.  I know it sounds weird that I'm defending Pedro after "bashing" him, but the way I see it......it's okay to be g@y, but it's NOT okay to be rude.  My family just doesn't seem to get this.

(Edited to substitute LEGITIMATE, PROPERLY-USED TERM THAT PEDRO IS PERFECTLY OKAY WITH, for cutesy misspelled euphemism)

NOVA Lady:
This reminds of a post on the old board. I think it was split half and half. However I think some things are just family traditions and while its fun to involve friends in some of them there is really something to be said for family bonding time and growing closer together.

I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting him there, and I think it was a bit odd of him to ask to join. I have been invited when I was younger to decorate friend's trees (I am jewish so I never got one until this year) but I would not have asked.

Its the same thing with me and my SO, sometimes we want friends over doing stuff with us. But sometimes (like the time we planned a nice dinner we cooked together) we'd rather have some time to bond together.

guihong:
1) Is it agreed in your family that tree-trimming is "family only", or is that just your belief?  Maybe your parents don't think the same way, and didn't mind company.  Maybe Pedro's family doesn't have the same boundaries, either.

2) Pedro was technically a guest, so in my home, his CD would have come first, since he was there.  As for the CD, I don't see much difference in that vs. a friend sending me her own songs on files.  I see it as sharing who they are, not showing off.  He probably really did want your opinion, as you're a music person yourself.

I suppose my response is, Pedro might not have done the same thing as I would, but I don't find anything egregious in his behavior, either.  

gui

freakyfemme:
^^Yeah, that was Foxxy who wrote the previous post about this issue, except I thought I'd ask, because for one thing, it might also be partly my fault for tacitly okaying Pedro's request to come over (although he never should have asked, since I'd already said I was unavailable), and for another, Foxxy's friends didn't bring over a CD of themselves singing and insist she play it in their presence.  Also, Foxxy's friends were a married couple, which eliminates the g@y issue that my brother has with Pedro.....so, the presence of Foxxy's friends didn't prevent any family members from participating in decorating.

ShadesOfGrey:
I sympathize with your feelings freakyfemme, the best thing to do from now on is to simply say No from the beginning.  Not easy, but definitely not rude.  As uncouth as he sounds, he had no way of knowing he was intruding since you extended the invitation.  As for your relatives thinking that you are rude, well, there's nothing you can do about that except tell them that you regard this as a special time with your family, and you personally would like to keep it that way.  If you are hosting, it's up to you who gets invited and who does not.  Your brother's reaction is his responsibility, not yours.

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