"No cussing!" - Facebook style

[PeasNCues]

My cousin is in Afghanistan.

He is a married man in his 20s and lives in a different state than his parents when he is home. (this may or may not be important).

This is his second tour of duty in Afghanistan and he is in a very hot area that sees a lot of action. They recently lost some soldiers. His wife is also in another state from her family and very depressed and lets him know how lonely she is as often as possible (she has every right to be lonely, but I bet he's not having a grand time of it either and she is wanting all the comforting and is not being very supportive and makes him feel guilty about leaving).

In other words, he's got stress. His family knows this.

The other day, he had a bad day in Afghanistan. A bad day in Afghanistan is a BAD DAY!! He used an F-word on his wall about how frustrated and upset he was.

A few hours later, there was a post from his father, on his wall, right out there for everyone to see:

"Hang in there little buddy. You're upsetting your mother and I with your language. I'm not sure the Army has been a positive influence on you lately. Try to make the best of it"

I am not sure if this is as horrifying as it seems to me... when ShieldMaiden called me about it, I couldn't believe it. This is a man who is getting shot at every day and they are saying that the F word is upsetting to them?? "Try to make the best of it"? Am I over reacting?

I haven't responded to the post, I don't intend to. But would it be ok for me to PM something to cousin to say, "hey, don't worry about it, we love you and miss you and hope you are safe. If you need to vent, please don't hesistate, we understand"

Also, I feel that if he was in their home or around their kids (they have younger kids), then they could say, "hey, watch the language!" But he is a world away. What right have they to say, "no cussing in Afghanistan!"?

[MariaE]

I think sending him a PM is a very thoughtful idea.

[Miss March]

I agree with the instinct not to step between the exchanges between a father and son. Let's trust that they can speak to each other on this matter.

I do think sending him a private message of encouragement would be a nice thing to do.

[MDefarge]

His dad is out of his mind.  The BF was in Iraq and when I read him this post his mind was as blown as mine, like seriously?  Your kid is getting shot at daily & you're going to berate him because he was cursing on his facebook? Uh yeah that so does not work for me.  I'd definitely send him a message - heck I'd probably post it on his wall saying how proud I was of him and how totally understandable it is that he is so upset/frustrated.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I think the parents were out of line andy ou should send him a PM.  But not comment on his post let that disappear downt he wall...

[Shoo]

I definitely think your uncle needs a bit of perspective here, but I can't think of any polite way to give it to him.

[FoxPaws]

Is it remotely possible that his father was teasing him? That the comment was tongue in cheek?

My own family's humor is very sarcastic/cynical/dark. I can see one of us posting something like this, and others not getting it because it doesn't translate well in print.

I think an encouraging PM would be a nice thing in any case.

[BettyDraper]

Is it remotely possible that his father was teasing him? That the comment was tongue in cheek?

My own family's humor is very sarcastic/cynical/dark. I can see one of us posting something like this, and others not getting it because it doesn't translate well in print.

I think an encouraging PM would be a nice thing in any case.

This is what I was thinking.  Many families have inside jokes, code, shorthand, internal 'dialects,' etc. -- perhaps the "watch your language" is tongue-in-cheek on the father's part, or ironic, or part of an ongoing family joke the OP is unaware of. The part about the Army not being a positive influence of late is particularly evocative of a certain type of dark, rueful and empathetic humor, though one that not everyone might "get" or appreciate. 

I certainly wouldn't intrude with a comment on it, either to the soldier or his father.  Of course, sending a supportive missive of one's own to a cousin is perfectly correct and compassionate. 

[Elle]

Is it remotely possible that his father was teasing him? That the comment was tongue in cheek?

My own family's humor is very sarcastic/cynical/dark. I can see one of us posting something like this, and others not getting it because it doesn't translate well in print.

I think an encouraging PM would be a nice thing in any case.

This is what I was thinking.  Many families have inside jokes, code, shorthand, internal 'dialects,' etc. -- perhaps the "watch your language" is tongue-in-cheek on the father's part, or ironic, or part of an ongoing family joke the OP is unaware of. The part about the Army not being a positive influence of late is particularly evocative of a certain type of dark, rueful and empathetic humor, though one that not everyone might "get" or appreciate. 

I certainly wouldn't intrude with a comment on it, either to the soldier or his father.  Of course, sending a supportive missive of one's own to a cousin is perfectly correct and compassionate. 

POD to the PPs. Don't get in the middle, but a note of encouragement is never a bad idea.

[PeasNCues]

Is it remotely possible that his father was teasing him? That the comment was tongue in cheek?

My own family's humor is very sarcastic/cynical/dark. I can see one of us posting something like this, and others not getting it because it doesn't translate well in print.

I think an encouraging PM would be a nice thing in any case.

This is what I was thinking.  Many families have inside jokes, code, shorthand, internal 'dialects,' etc. -- perhaps the "watch your language" is tongue-in-cheek on the father's part, or ironic, or part of an ongoing family joke the OP is unaware of. The part about the Army not being a positive influence of late is particularly evocative of a certain type of dark, rueful and empathetic humor, though one that not everyone might "get" or appreciate. 

I certainly wouldn't intrude with a comment on it, either to the soldier or his father.  Of course, sending a supportive missive of one's own to a cousin is perfectly correct and compassionate. 

Our families are very close - I know this is not a joke. They do not have that kind of relationship. Cousin was a good kid but very, very energetic and not at all interested in school - they have a very strained relationship. Cousin is constantly seeking their approval, but is unwilling to conform to their lifestyles (ultra-conservative - they want their kids at their beck and call and cousin refuses) and while uncle and aunt have been, thus far, good about him being in the army, they still want some control and I think this is part of it.

Honestly, if they had a relationship like that, my first inclination would be "he must be joking," but because I know they do not I was absolutely horrified.

[Elle]

Our families are very close - I know this is not a joke. They do not have that kind of rel@tionship. Cousin was a good kid but very, very energetic and not at all interested in school - they have a very strained rel@tionship. Cousin is constantly seeking their approval, but is unwilling to conform to their lifestyles (ultra-conservative - they want their kids at their beck and call and cousin refuses) and while uncle and aunt have been, thus far, good about him being in the army, they still want some control and I think this is part of it.

Honestly, if they had a rel@tionship like that, my first inclination would be "he must be joking," but because I know they do not I was absolutely horrified.

I'd still not get in the middle of it and do send an encouraging PM. Remind cousin he's a real American hero and all that.

If this becomes a recurring thing with uncle's posts then I would privately call him up and have a "come to Jesus" with him about supporting his son in a war zone.

[Starchasm]

Our families are very close - I know this is not a joke. They do not have that kind of rel@tionship. Cousin was a good kid but very, very energetic and not at all interested in school - they have a very strained rel@tionship. Cousin is constantly seeking their approval, but is unwilling to conform to their lifestyles (ultra-conservative - they want their kids at their beck and call and cousin refuses) and while uncle and aunt have been, thus far, good about him being in the army, they still want some control and I think this is part of it.

Honestly, if they had a rel@tionship like that, my first inclination would be "he must be joking," but because I know they do not I was absolutely horrified.

I'd still not get in the middle of it and do send an encouraging PM. Remind cousin he's a real American hero and all that.

If this becomes a recurring thing with uncle's posts then I would privately call him up and have a "come to Jesus" with him about supporting his son in a war zone.

POD.  But one more message like that and I'd be calling my Uncle to give him what-for.

[Giggity]

A few hours later, there was a post from his father, on his wall, right out there for everyone to see: "Hang in there little buddy. You're upsetting your mother and I with your language. I'm not sure the Army has been a positive influence on you lately. Try to make the best of it"

I am not sure if this is as horrifying as it seems to me...

Yes, it is indeed horrifying. A grown man, who has raised a son who's now defending our country, doesn't know that the proper usage is "your mother and me."

[RandomAngel]

A few hours later, there was a post from his father, on his wall, right out there for everyone to see: "Hang in there little buddy. You're upsetting your mother and I with your language. I'm not sure the Army has been a positive influence on you lately. Try to make the best of it"

I am not sure if this is as horrifying as it seems to me...

Yes, it is indeed horrifying. A grown man, who has raised a son who's now defending our country, doesn't know that the proper usage is "your mother and me."

I'm really upset on behalf of OP's cousin...but this made me giggle. 

[TootsNYC]

OK, let's look at it this way.

The mom & dad have raised their son to completely eschew cursing, and to recognize it as offensive behavior when done in public.

Facebook *is* public. Everybody sees it; it gets pushed out to them. It's the equivalent of swearing on the street--a street populated by people who actually *know* who you are. So, what you do is more closely linked to your reputation there than it would be if you swore on the street in a completely strange city. It matters *more* when it's among people you know.


The soldier may be in Afghanistan, but he is *on* Facebook, and that's "the public street in your hometown."

The fact that he used a vulgarity that he apparently was strongly taught not to use means that he is redefining what "proper behavior in public" is, or that he is not recognizing the concept that "Facebook is 'in public', or that he is so stressed by his assignment that he is unable to exercise the self-control that he has used all his life.

And his father is rightfully concerned about this. Even when we are grownups, our parents have a stake in having "raised us right." Our parents have the right to say, "this is dishonorable behavior; our family doesn't behave like this," whether it's cheating grandma out of money, abandoning a pregnant girlfriend, all the way down to using swear words in front of people you *know* will find them offensive, or belching at the dinner table and not saying "excuse me."

However, *publicly* chiding their son is not good. Not even if they are worried that people will say, "Johnny used the F-word on his Facebook status? I thought Marge and Ralph raised him better than that!"

He should have sent a message to his son's Facebook in-box and said, "I'm concerned--that was sort of shocking, esp. for you, knowing what we tried to teach you. What's going on? Oh, and knock it off, if you would, please."