FB Drama - Apology expected, yet not forthcoming

[Deetee]

Gosh, I wonder why noone thought to invite Little Miss Sunshine along? She sounds like exactly the type of person who would brighten up a Christmas tree hunting expedition.

The Little Miss Sunshine comment isn't fair.

I've been left out of functions where it would've been nice to receive an invitation.  And yes, my feelings were hurt.  I didnt' saything and just let it go but for once, it would've been nice for someone to have said "I'm sorry we didn't think about it but of course you'll be invited next time."  

I do agree that Christine should've emailed the hosts directly as the OP was invited along and therefore as an invited guest, couldn't invite Christine either.  

Your situation is quite different. It's very human to feel sad when you are left out, but you didn't write any unpleasant notes to people who weren't even responsible for the inviting. Writing a note like that wouldn't make most people want to spend time with the person. It would just make most people (me for sure) want to avoid them like the plague.

Someone who reacts like that doesn't deserve an apology or a promise to be invited next time. They deserve to be left with their own miserable company.

(I'm not saying one should never protest a social exclusion, but there are ways to do it that don't avoid Napalming any goodwill anyone feels towards the person being excluded)

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[Roe]

Deetee: You are right, there are better ways to handle it.  It's just that I'm been on the other end where I'm left out and feel hurt about it.  But yes, I agree...emailing the OP wasn't the appropriate action.

[blarg314]

Gosh, I wonder why noone thought to invite Little Miss Sunshine along? She sounds like exactly the type of person who would brighten up a Christmas tree hunting expedition.

I've been left out of functions where it would've been nice to receive an invitation.  And yes, my feelings were hurt.  I didnt' saything and just let it go but for once, it would've been nice for someone to have said "I'm sorry we didn't think about it but of course you'll be invited next time."  

I do agree that Christine should've emailed the hosts directly as the OP was invited along and therefore as an invited guest, couldn't invite Christine either.  

Actually, I don't agree with either. Christine should not be emailing the hosts of the event to chastize them for not inviting them  or to ask for an invitation either, because doing that is rude.

And for the first - I don't think that hosts are required, by any rules of etiquette, to invite someone to an event that they are hosting because of potential hurt feelings.  There are lots of perfectly acceptable reasons for not inviting someone that are completely innocuous - you want to socialize with a specific person, say, or are hosting an event of a manageable size, and don't want to invite everyone of a similar friendship level or relationship.

And complaining often backfires. If I have dinner with friends X and Y to chat and catch up, and friend Z complains that's she's hurt because she really wanted to be invited too, then my reaction is usually not to say "Oh, I'm so sorry, I'll invite you next time!", it's to decide that I'm going to be careful not to mention the next time I go out with friends X and Y. Constructive ways of dealing with it would be inviting me, X and Y to a event together, or saying something like "Yeah, we should get together soon" and issuing an invitation.

As an aside, I find these sort of conflicts often occur when people are in the process of transiting out of a high-school/college social style. At younger ages, social events tend to be more informal, bring the whole gang, the more the merrier types of things, where being the only person in the crowed not told about the party or pub night is very noticeable. As you get older, the style tends to change to more focused, invitation specific events, where the dynamic and invitation style are very different, and not being invited is a totally normal thing.

If not being invited is a chronic thing, then it can go several ways. You can simply go with the flow.  You can issue more invitations yourself, and see if they are accepted. You can issue less invitations, and back off on the friendship. Or you can evaluate the friendship to see if it's unbalanced - if you care more about it than they do.

[Miss Unleaded]

I'm going to be the voice of dissent.  You did commit a social faux pas.  You discussed a social event in front of people who were not invited, but could reasonably have assumed that they would be invited.

I agree with this.

[the Wyffe]

Eek.  Outrageous of Christine.  First, it's Facebook, so the updates are there for dozens of people to see who weren't invited.  Plus, how should the OP know Christine wanted or expected to come anyway?  She didn't organise it.  Why should she not update her status just in case her hostess accidentally/deliberately didn't invite someone and hurt their feelings?  Should she check with her hostess to make sure she's ok to post beforehand?  Surely that's ruder by implication that the hostess may have been thoughtless.  I think that's getting ridiculous.  The OP is innocent in this and didn't know Christine was hurt or expected to come when she posted.

Also, I see that Christine is the cousin's *wife*.  Oh, I can see my husband being absolutely thrilled if I wrote to any of his family like that in that situation.  If she's so hurt and upset, it's her husband's family - he should be talking to his sister the hostess.  His wife should absolutely not be sending something that rude to someone who wasn't involved in deciding who went.

I would ignore Christine.  Or at the most I would email back saying 'Christine, I suggest you speak to Sara since she organised this' and then leave it, but I suggest ignoring her.

[MrsO]

I agree with PPs that I can see why she was upset. Without going into too much detail, we've been there, and it's hurtful.
However, I think the email was out of line and an overreaction. She should have either ignored it or spoke face to face with people, explaining her side of things and why she was hurt. Much better way to go about it.

[Larrabee]

I agree with PPs that I can see why she was upset. Without going into too much detail, we've been there, and it's hurtful.
However, I think the email was out of line and an overreaction. She should have either ignored it or spoke face to face with people, explaining her side of things and why she was hurt. Much better way to go about it.

I can also see why she was upset and I can kind of see why she wrote the e-mail even though I agree that it was a bad idea.  By the sounds of it, this incident isn't the first time Christine has felt that her family has been left out and this e-mail may be the result of her finally 'snapping' after keeping her mouth shut for months or years. 

If I were the OP's family, I think I would respond to say 'sorry we didn't think to invite you, it was really casual and just the people in visual range at the time came along.  We're thinking of having X event on Y date if you'd like to come?  And possibly just the SIL could speak to her in person about the inappropriateness of involving the teenager.

Basically I think the family should forgive Christine and extend an olive branch this time and make more of an effort to include her family.  If this doesn't improve the relationship and she continues to feel like an outsider or behave badly, then they can step back knowing that they made a sincere effort.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I'm going to be the voice of dissent.  You did commit a social faux pas.  You discussed a social event in front of people who were not invited, but could reasonably have assumed that they would be invited.

I agree with this.

Why could she reasonably be expected to be invited? Maybe her SIL doesnt get along with her...maybe this is why...It's not like this is a tradition she's been invited to in years past and suddenly the OP and her hubby bumped her so there's no space for her or anything...

[Miss Unleaded]

Because it was a family outing to which cousins were invited but not the brother and sister in law, who happened to live on the way to the farm and had also been at the dinner the previous evening with the other people who were invited.

[drebay]

The OP still could not have invited anyone.  It wasn't their trip.  The upset party need to take that up with the inviter, not the invitee. 

[Bob Ducca]

I'm going to be the voice of dissent.  You did commit a social faux pas.  You discussed a social event in front of people who were not invited, but could reasonably have assumed that they would be invited.

I agree with this.

Posting pictures to your Facebook page isn't the same as discussing something in a social situation, in my opinion, but I know there is some dissent regarding this.  However, I know it can be an issue; I did not post pictures of my kids' birthday party because I didn't invite a couple of family members who would have been offended not to receive an invitation.

However, I don't see how the OP could have reasonably been aware that the pictures she was posting were offensive.  Even if she knew, in advance, that Christine was expecting an invitation, the invitation wasn't hers to offer.

This was also an outing to a public place, not an invitation-only event.  I don't think it is rude to comment, "My mom and I went to a movie today," as a status update, just because I didn't invite my sister or my brother or my mother's best friend.  If they choose to take offense, that is their issue. 

[bopper]

However I will be Devil's advocate and say maybe she does have a point about the family clique and being excluded. In saying that, from the tone of her facebook post, I wouldn;t be in a hurry to spend time with her.

Then the thing to say would be "That sounded like so much fun!  Maybe next year let us know if you plan to go again...we would love to join you!"

[Bob Ducca]

However I will be Devil's advocate and say maybe she does have a point about the family clique and being excluded. In saying that, from the tone of her facebook post, I wouldn;t be in a hurry to spend time with her.

Then the thing to say would be "That sounded like so much fun!  Maybe next year let us know if you plan to go again...we would love to join you!"

Completely agreed with bopper.  That would have been a good way to let them know she wanted in, but not being so negative.

[Lisbeth]

I'm going to be the voice of dissent.  You did commit a social faux pas.  You discussed a social event in front of people who were not invited, but could reasonably have assumed that they would be invited.

I agree with this.

Posting pictures to your Facebook page isn't the same as discussing something in a social situation, in my opinion, but I know there is some dissent regarding this.  However, I know it can be an issue; I did not post pictures of my kids' birthday party because I didn't invite a couple of family members who would have been offended not to receive an invitation.

However, I don't see how the OP could have reasonably been aware that the pictures she was posting were offensive.  Even if she knew, in advance, that Christine was expecting an invitation, the invitation wasn't hers to offer.

This was also an outing to a public place, not an invitation-only event.  I don't think it is rude to comment, "My mom and I went to a movie today," as a status update, just because I didn't invite my sister or my brother or my mother's best friend.  If they choose to take offense, that is their issue. 

I have to agree with this.  The OP may not have known that Christine and her husband were not invited to this-in which case this would be a faux pas on the hosts' part, but not hers.

And millions of people are on Facebook and don't get invited to each other's events.  If the rules about not discussing invitations that were not universal applied to Facebook, that would make every single such photo posted on Facebook wrong.

I would not dignify Christine's posting with any response.

[Aeris]

Because it was a family outing to which cousins were invited but not the brother and sister in law, who happened to live on the way to the farm and had also been at the dinner the previous evening with the other people who were invited.

I think that this is this reason I think I agree that it was really unfortunate for the organizers not to mention it to Christine. If various cousins are all getting together for the holiday, I can completely understand why one cousin would feel excluded when all the other cousins go to something fun and nearby and don't bother calling.

And while I realize that another cousin technically 'organized' this - it's family and it's a holiday weekend. In my family, if one cousin/sibling suggests something, it's completely normal for anyone involved to call other siblings/cousins and include them. These aren't formal get togethers, so casually rounding up other family members, even if it's just to say 'hey, we're all going XX at this time - want to meet up with us there?', seem par for the course. I'm not saying that was the OP's responsibility - she says she's not that close with this cousin, so it wouldn't likely be her. But again, if I were the cousin, and NONE of my siblings/cousins called me... well, gee, I'd feel downright excluded.

The facebook postings were not wrong, but that would have compounded my feelings, of course.

The email she sent, unfortunately, was snippy and out of line. I completely understand where it came from, but she went about dealing with this in the wrong way, big time.