Background: My 18-year old DD and MIL have a major personality clash. MIL is not toxic; she can be annoying, but mainly she just rubs DD up the wrong way. Now that she's an adult, DD has decided to cut MIL out of her life. My position is that it's her choice as an adult and have specifically told her I won't interfere. I doubt MIL will actually notice for several years; we live 600km away, visit once a year at most (she doesn't travel) and they don't even talk on the phone that often.
However, I quite like MIL and will continue to call and visit her. This offends DD, who believes that as a gesture of solidarity with her I should also cut MIL off. Not going to happen. There have been numerous screaming rows over this. I have formerly taken the position that, as the mother of a teenager, I should try calm reason and teach her to see The Other Person's Point of View and We Will Have to Agree to Disagree. But DD screams that I'm a bad mother who is siding with her persecutor and simply won't stop. If I walk away, she follows me. If I go into my room and shuts the door, she stands outside it screaming. Eventually I lose my cool, we have a blazing row and are on the outs with each other for days (why yes, she does have something of a Drama Llama side).
Well, something changed...
This time when she started, the words ''I am not discussing this" popped into my head. I said them. When the screaming did not stop, the words "bean dip" popped in as well. The conversation went something like this...
DD: You're a bad awful mother, if you loved me you would hate her as much as I do, she is always so mean to me and I can't believe you still want to talk to her and...
Me:I am not discussing this.
DD: So now you're NOT DISCUSSING THIS?
? I don't even get to tell you what I'm thinking, you totally support her, I can't believe my own mother is so...
Me: So do you know who's playing in the football game tonight?
DD: (second of stunned silence) I CANT BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not right, you always take her side and you never listen to me when I try to...
Me: Oh, so you don't know?
DD:THIS IS ABOUT DAD, ISN'T IT?
(her father, MIL's son, died when she was 8; the circumstances were not good and she doesn't like him either. Nor does she like that I still remember him fondly) I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL HUNG UP ON HIM, IT'S 9 YEARS SINCE HE DIED, YOU NEED TO GET OVER IT AND ...
Me: Is (namé of her friend) playing?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's when she gave up and stormed off to her room. She sulked for two days but at least she did it quietly. Life is gooooooooood!
