General Etiquette > Life...in general

Cussing, conversation topics, and demands.

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Ulla dances in a silly way:
I have a question. Or maybe two.

I cuss. Not obsessively or annoyingly, but I do. In the course of a normal conversation with a friend, I will probably cuss. Now, I am careful not to do it in public (I admit I do slip every now and then) and I never will in the house of someone I don't know well or of someone who I know doesn't approve of cussing, nor will I to someone I've just met (depending on the circumstances, of course.) I do slip, sometimes, with people I know well who may not approve of cussing, but there's no malice intended. My question is, what about in my own house? I know some people who will flip out if they even hear a cuss word and who demand that I never, under any circumstances, cuss around them. I think this is ridiculous in my own home. It's my house, if they don't want to hear cussing they shouldn't go to the houses of people who cuss.

On a related topic, I have some acquaintances that will demand a change in conversation topic if it is one they are uncomfortable with. Now, I understand if they are unable to leave the conversation comfortably or if it is bothering strangers nearby, but I have had a "friend" demand that another friend and I stop talking about mental disorders because she did not like to hear it. This was a conversation between two people at a house party of at least 20. She could have talked to other people in the room, she could have gone to join a conversation in another room. We were probably the people she knew least at the party. Was it unreasonable of her to demand we change our topic of conversation just for her?

I suppose the question boils down to, do other have the right to make demands on your speech if it makes them uncomfortable? If so, are there limits? Does it depend on setting?

My answer would be sometimes depending on if the person could remove themselves from the situation, the degree of discomfort (think a person who hates to hear cuss words attacking you over one that slipped when you banged your knee vs. over a conversation consisting entirely of cuss words with a few nouns sprinkled in), and if the person is demanding or simply asking. There's a big difference between, "DON'T EVER CUSS AROUND ME!!!!" and, "Hey, would you mind not saying that? It makes me uncomfortable," with many degrees in between. Do you agree? Should I be as offended by the demanding attitude as I am?

-Ulla

goblue2539:
I'm with you on this one, because I think it boils down to mutual respect.  You're trying to watch yourself and be considerate of other people, so it would be nice if they could cut you some slack.  So long as you're doing your part, I agree that they should be doing theirs. 

As for the friend who asked you to stop the conversation, I'd have a hard time with her.  I'm a psych major.  I'd say at least 80% of my conversations are about mental illness.  But, I think it depends on the tone of the conversation.  Seeing your posts, I'd be inclined to think it was informative and a discussion.  But, I'll admit that since I don't actually know you, it's possible you and your friend were letting off steam and joking around in a way the asker found offensive.  So, it depends.  If you were sharing information and this girl asked you to stop, I think I'd have told her that we could talk to her later.  If you were joking around in a way she didn't understand, she had a right to say it bothered her.  And you could still tell her that you'd talk to her later then. 

I don't think I helped any at all.  But, that's my tree fiddy.

platys:
Personally, it drives me nuts when someone demands that a topic of conversation be changed in a group, because they aren't comfortable with it.  But I'm also a bit of a cusser, and will talk about any number of topics.  If there's a topic that doesn't interest me, I just don't join in, and talk about something else.  I don't demand that the world be made comfortable for me.

Chocolate Cake:
The most thought-provoking comment on cussing I ever heard was:

"Swearing in normal conversation is resorted to by those with a limited vocabulary and by those who don't care or don't understand how a reputation of couth and class is cultivated."  

Since I was quite a swearer at the time I heard this, it really stopped me in my tracks.  After reflection, I decided that I didn't at all want to be viewed as limited.  So, I worked very hard since then to find substitute words or phrases to express myself.  

Hope this helps.

Tabris:
I had to go cold-turkey on swearing a year ago, and it seems to have worked for the most part.

But as a result of that, like a cigarette smoker who has to avoid cigarette smoke in order to avoid cravings, I have to avoid listening to lots of curse words, otherwise they come back at me again.

Therefore, if you got into a conversation with me that was 70% swear words, I would probably cut our conversation short or laugh nervously about it. Same thing with a conversation topic I couldn't stand--I'd remember I needed to go do something and forget to come back until a sufficient amount of time had passed before returning.

That's what I'd do. I think that's a little too protective, though--I think it would be okay if someone were to say, "I'm terribly sorry, but would you please mind cleaning up the language a bit? My ears are aching," or "Excuse me, but this conversation topic makes me uncomfortable. Would you mind changing it, or should I go for a walk for a little while?"

But I wouldn't say, "DON'T EVER SWEAR IN MY PRESENCE!" just the same way you wouldn't (presumably) say to me, "TABRIS, for heaven's sake, won't you $$$$$ say some $$$$$ words that aren't squeaky-$$$$$-clean for once in your $$$$ life?!?"  ;D ;D ;D

Requests = somewhat okay. Demands = rude.

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