Cussing, conversation topics, and demands.

[Ulla dances in a silly way]

I have a question. Or maybe two.

I cuss. Not obsessively or annoyingly, but I do. In the course of a normal conversation with a friend, I will probably cuss. Now, I am careful not to do it in public (I admit I do slip every now and then) and I never will in the house of someone I don't know well or of someone who I know doesn't approve of cussing, nor will I to someone I've just met (depending on the circumstances, of course.) I do slip, sometimes, with people I know well who may not approve of cussing, but there's no malice intended. My question is, what about in my own house? I know some people who will flip out if they even hear a cuss word and who demand that I never, under any circumstances, cuss around them. I think this is ridiculous in my own home. It's my house, if they don't want to hear cussing they shouldn't go to the houses of people who cuss.

On a related topic, I have some acquaintances that will demand a change in conversation topic if it is one they are uncomfortable with. Now, I understand if they are unable to leave the conversation comfortably or if it is bothering strangers nearby, but I have had a "friend" demand that another friend and I stop talking about mental disorders because she did not like to hear it. This was a conversation between two people at a house party of at least 20. She could have talked to other people in the room, she could have gone to join a conversation in another room. We were probably the people she knew least at the party. Was it unreasonable of her to demand we change our topic of conversation just for her?

I suppose the question boils down to, do other have the right to make demands on your speech if it makes them uncomfortable? If so, are there limits? Does it depend on setting?

My answer would be sometimes depending on if the person could remove themselves from the situation, the degree of discomfort (think a person who hates to hear cuss words attacking you over one that slipped when you banged your knee vs. over a conversation consisting entirely of cuss words with a few nouns sprinkled in), and if the person is demanding or simply asking. There's a big difference between, "DON'T EVER CUSS AROUND ME!!!!" and, "Hey, would you mind not saying that? It makes me uncomfortable," with many degrees in between. Do you agree? Should I be as offended by the demanding attitude as I am?

-Ulla

[goblue2539]

I'm with you on this one, because I think it boils down to mutual respect.  You're trying to watch yourself and be considerate of other people, so it would be nice if they could cut you some slack.  So long as you're doing your part, I agree that they should be doing theirs. 

As for the friend who asked you to stop the conversation, I'd have a hard time with her.  I'm a psych major.  I'd say at least 80% of my conversations are about mental illness.  But, I think it depends on the tone of the conversation.  Seeing your posts, I'd be inclined to think it was informative and a discussion.  But, I'll admit that since I don't actually know you, it's possible you and your friend were letting off steam and joking around in a way the asker found offensive.  So, it depends.  If you were sharing information and this girl asked you to stop, I think I'd have told her that we could talk to her later.  If you were joking around in a way she didn't understand, she had a right to say it bothered her.  And you could still tell her that you'd talk to her later then. 

I don't think I helped any at all.  But, that's my tree fiddy.

[platys]

Personally, it drives me nuts when someone demands that a topic of conversation be changed in a group, because they aren't comfortable with it.  But I'm also a bit of a cusser, and will talk about any number of topics.  If there's a topic that doesn't interest me, I just don't join in, and talk about something else.  I don't demand that the world be made comfortable for me.

[Chocolate Cake]

The most thought-provoking comment on cussing I ever heard was:

"Swearing in normal conversation is resorted to by those with a limited vocabulary and by those who don't care or don't understand how a reputation of couth and class is cultivated."  

Since I was quite a swearer at the time I heard this, it really stopped me in my tracks.  After reflection, I decided that I didn't at all want to be viewed as limited.  So, I worked very hard since then to find substitute words or phrases to express myself.  

Hope this helps.

[Tabris]

I had to go cold-turkey on swearing a year ago, and it seems to have worked for the most part.

But as a result of that, like a cigarette smoker who has to avoid cigarette smoke in order to avoid cravings, I have to avoid listening to lots of curse words, otherwise they come back at me again.

Therefore, if you got into a conversation with me that was 70% swear words, I would probably cut our conversation short or laugh nervously about it. Same thing with a conversation topic I couldn't stand--I'd remember I needed to go do something and forget to come back until a sufficient amount of time had passed before returning.

That's what I'd do. I think that's a little too protective, though--I think it would be okay if someone were to say, "I'm terribly sorry, but would you please mind cleaning up the language a bit? My ears are aching," or "Excuse me, but this conversation topic makes me uncomfortable. Would you mind changing it, or should I go for a walk for a little while?"

But I wouldn't say, "DON'T EVER SWEAR IN MY PRESENCE!" just the same way you wouldn't (presumably) say to me, "TABRIS, for heaven's sake, won't you $$$$$ say some $$$$$ words that aren't squeaky-$$$$$-clean for once in your $$$$ life?!?" 

Requests = somewhat okay. Demands = rude.

[Clara Bow]

I'm having a hard time understanding why mental illness is a bad topic, but then again my husband works at the state hospital and if it wasn't for mental illness we'd have nothing to talk about.
Anyway, I cuss like a dock-walloper, company depending. I mind my manners around people who don't care for swearing and I do not swear in public, within hearing of others especially. I also try to avoid touchy conversational topics with people.  But when you're in a large group, sometimes a touchy subject will come up. So the best thing to do is ignore it if you can, politely steer the conversation elsewhere if you can. But lean toward ignore.
I hate people who act like their ears will fall off if they hear a bad word, or that they will catch fire if the conversation turns a smidge blue. I understand being offended, but that doesn't give you the right to be offensive yourself. Especially if you are in the minority.

[platys]

One time, I spent the weekend watching old Sex in the City episodes.  I totally overdosed.  I go into work, and I swear the first thing out of my mouth was the word f*ck.  It cracked everyone up.

[Suze]

The most thought-provoking comment on cussing I ever heard was:

"Swearing in normal conversation is resorted to by those with a limited vocabulary and by those who don't care or don't understand how a reputation of couth and class is cultivated."  

Since I was quite a swearer at the time I heard this, it really stopped me in my tracks.  After reflection, I decided that I didn't at all want to be viewed as limited.  So, I worked very hard since then to find substitute words or phrases to express myself.  

Hope this helps.

Oh-my- this is almost what my Grandma told me one day when I let a "cuss word" out around her

I always knew that she was the font of all knowlege.

[Lisbeth]

Well, I have listened to people who regularly use very salty speech, and I'll be the first to admit that I use it now and then, but I try to not to pepper my speech with it and to think about who my audience is.  

If it's my mother, she won't put up with it-she hangs up the phone or walks away, so it's ineffective at best and counterproductive at worst.

If it's a kid trying to sound cool while talking to me, I'd either ignore it or ask them to stop (nicely), as in, "You know, I'm not sure why you feel the need to say that everything is "b!tchin' " or "f---in'."  These words don't add anything to your speech and actually make you sound immature."  (Which I choose would be situational.)  If they're talking to someone else, though, I'd probably keep my mouth shut.  I remember some fellow students from my high-school days who talked like that and I wanted to tell them to stop the cussing, but I didn't.

If it's an adult doing this, it would depend on the relationship I have with them.  If I am their professional superior, I'd ask them to stop as it projects an improper attitude, and if they didn't I'd report them to HR.  If they are my superior, though, I'd keep my mouth shut.  If they are a parent or someone from a generation preceding mine, again, I'd keep my mouth shut.  If they are a friend, what course of action I'd take would be situational.

[kherbert05]

1. I will ask people drop a topic when I'm trapped like in a car.
2. At a party I'll take myself to another area.
3. If people are begin nonprofessional in an area where they should be professional I'll tell them to knock it off. Mentioning that the volunteer from Hell is in the work room ususally takes care of it without me addressing the actual behavior.
4. People cursing in public as part of their conversation loud enough that I can't ignore it, the teacher look of death usually sends them scurrying off with their tails between their legs. (I use this only when I feel it is safe)
5. Sometimes I will ask management to settle down other patrons who are acting inappropriately.

[supernova]

Demands?  No; demands are never correct.

But--I am very sensitive to certain things.  I avoid horror movies and action-adventure movies like the plague, because I can't stand the sight of purposeful violence.  (Long story; bad memories.)  I don't really enjoy discussions of a scatological nature.

So what would be the proper way to request an end to, for example, prolonged discussions of invasive surgical procedures or the contents of Junior's last Pullup at the dinner table?  I can't just push back my chair and leave the table without attracting attention.  I usually just stop eating, look at something else, take a drink to settle my stomach and try to go to my mental "happy place," but it's not always possible.

     - saphie

[Rei-chan]

I kinda understand both sides of this.....I am a cusser, not in professional settings, but at home I have a pretty foul mouth by most standards.  I do try really hard to keep it curbed when around my Christian friends, as they don't really go for it.  Sometimes something will slip out, but no one has ever made a demand of me to watch my mouth.  I'm not sure how I would feel about that.

As to discussions, DH works for our local medical examiner in the morgue.  This leads to some pretty gross discussions, but I am used to it, and find it interesting.  When we are out with friends, I try to keep an eye on what he is saying over dinner, and nudge him if he's getting too graphic, or whisper "TMI! TMI!"

I find that in my own house, what you see is what you get.  In public, however, is another story.

[Suze]

Why not a flat out --- "ick- not while we are eating" at least if it were family, I wouldn't do that at a non-family thing however.

We used to have to do that regularly when the cousins were in collage.

med students, can get pretty ickky sometimes without noticing everyone else is turning green. especially when they outnumber the non-med family members.  It never seemed to bother Dad but he was a farm kid)

[Suze]

As to discussions, DH works for our local medical examiner in the morgue.  This leads to some pretty gross discussions, but I am used to it, and find it interesting.  When we are out with friends, I try to keep an eye on what he is saying over dinner, and nudge him if he's getting too graphic, or whisper "TMI! TMI!"

Yep one of our offenders is a forensic pathologist, I don't think that she even realised what the topic had turned to sometimes.  Of course our family was kinda weird, later on in her career when she had to review an autopsy tape for a trial we all trouped into the TV room to watch it. More than once.

Dinner table topics at their place could get "intresting"  until Grandma imposed the Ick factor

[lastonetoknow]

[But--I am very sensitive to certain things.  I avoid horror movies and action-adventure movies like the plague, because I can't stand the sight of purposeful violence.  (Long story; bad memories.)  I don't really enjoy discussions of a scatological nature.quote][/quote]

Me too, and talk about horror movies or death/serious illness really makes me uncomfortable.  Don't know why, but it just does.

My immediate family knows about it, and will not speak about these subjects when I'm around, even if they think I'm weird..

But, if we're in a group at a party or other social event and the subject comes up, I'll either walk away for a bit or try to strike up another conversation with somebody else until the discussion is over.