Cussing, conversation topics, and demands.

[Venus193]

Changing the topic is totally appropriate if you are a captive audience to something with a major Ick Factor.  I wish I had been a little more confident a few years ago when this happened to me at a business lunch.

[MadMadge43]

I also swear, usually not professionally, but in moments of frustration they come out.  I worked with a very nice young Christian woman whom I very much liked. She was never the least bit shocked or annoyed if I swore around her. My problem was my other co-worker who corrected me everytime she was around. "Madge, not in front of Lisa". I don't know who it embarrassed more.

[Twik]

Curse words are intended to be offensive - that's why they're curse words. Using them in front of others means either (1) solidarity with them, in a "proletariat, salt of the earth" sort of way (but that only works if they swear as well), or (2) that you are subtly or not-so-subtly implying that they are not worth your respect. If you can't convince your acquaintances that you meant (1), then you may expect them to respond negatively. (If you can avoid using bad language at work, don't claim that you "just can't help it" in front of those who are not colleagues or paying customers.)

Besides, it weakens the effect over time. If the "F', "S", and "C" words are used to describe doing the laundry, what will you say when you really want people to know you're upset? (There must be SOMETHING left in the English language that is reserved as heavy artillery for, say, tripping in a mudpuddle while carrying freshly printed materials, tearing your nylons, scraping the skin off your hands, and soiling the print job well beyond redemption.)

[Ulla dances in a silly way]

Ok, I fully agree on the professional setting. I would NEVER cuss when I'm on the job. As far as not being able to help it in different settings, there is a difference. I am on guard at work. When I am relaxing with friends, I might not think about the fact that Sally-in-the-corner's ears fall off when she hears a four letter word before I use one. I'm relaxing, not trying to impress someone. I do find it easier to not forget when I'm one-on-one with the non-cusser and can fully control my language. It's just when I'm in a large group that I (and others) tend to forget.

As far as swearing communicating ones poor vocabulary, well, ok maybe. If you have noticed, many of us who say they do swear are perfectly able to express ourselves on this board without the use of asterisks. Cussing is generally used in a joking manner by myself and my friends, so if I need to express my anger, I will do it with language much more intelligent than the language I use to joke around because it is a serious issue and not something to use frivolous words over.

The deal about mental illness came from a girl who was a bit of a fruit loop. She believed all mental illness was the result of possession by a demon. She also believed she could sense demons in people. I considered that the normal feeling you get around someone squicky. The conversation was not a joking one or an offensive one, it was just a discussion about mental illness and some treatments/symptoms/etc.

I agree about icky subjects at the table. I think the squicked person had the right to request a new topic there. My aunt is a phlebotomist (sp? I'm not sure how to spell this and the spell checker doesn't know. A person who draws blood), I tell her to please stop talking about bleeding at dinner quite often.

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies! It has given me more to think about.

-Ulla

[Sirius]

As to discussions, DH works for our local medical examiner in the morgue.  This leads to some pretty gross discussions, but I am used to it, and find it interesting.  When we are out with friends, I try to keep an eye on what he is saying over dinner, and nudge him if he's getting too graphic, or whisper "TMI! TMI!"

I don't cuss, and never have, and if I pop out with something, I must be really worked up.  There are cuss words that I prefer not to hear, like f***, and if you're in my home and you use it I will ask you politely not to.  Or, if we're in public together.  I can handle most cuss words; I worked for the military for 22 years, and I didn't hear a lot of really flowery speech (except perhaps my own.) 

As for conversation topics:  Mr. Sirius is a former lab tech and when he was a student he assisted with autopsies.  He told me that he and his co-workers would gather at a table in the hospital cafeteria and talk shop during lunch, and they could clear out the entire area within a two-table radius.  That type of thing doesn't bother me, as I'm a medical transcriptionist and I've heard some very revolting things in dictations.   However, we've found that we have to temper our medical-type conversations at times, because (a) people have no idea what we're talking about or (b) if they do they prefer we not talk about it around them.  A male friend from the era before Mr. Sirius once asked me when a man should start getting prostate examinations.  I told him what I'd heard, then asked him, "Why are you asking me this?"  His answer was, "You knew the answer, didn't you?"  I can't really argue with that logic, but if someone I'd known less well asked me that same question I would have told them they needed to talk to their doctor.

[shadowfox79]

I admit I've developed a far fouler mouth as I've got older, although I don't type them - obviously the "limited vocabulary" bit only applies to my speech 

But I do have a few words that I don't like hearing, and while I'm fairly tolerant about other people's language I have been known to step away from a conversation. I think it was when a guy I had just met announced to a group of us that he was dying for some p*ssy.

(If he'd done that at my house, I'd have passed him the cat. But that's just me.)

[Nekolove]

"If he'd done that at my house I'd have passed him the cat"

LOL!!!!!

I personally swear like a sailor. I do it at home with DH. I do it with my sister. With certain friends. I even do it at work with my cohorts (who also swear). I don't with people I don't know, people I know are bothered by it, or people I'm trying to show respect to (regardless of whether they swear in front of me or not). I try to err on the side of politeness.

As far as the topic changing thing, I also think that it's situational. If someone can't politely leave and you can tell they're uncomfortable, it's best to change the subject. And if they request it, you should definitely change it. Is it annoying and sometimes frivolous to request someone to change a subject....definitely. But you should do it anyway, to be respectful.

In the case of the OPs example, if she was making a big deal about it, I would have honored her request to be polite, but would have been inwardly annoyed by it. And I agree sometimes, you need to pull out the TMI card! I have a coworker who has no filter in her brain as to what is appropriate to discuss in mixed company at work. I have often told her "I'M EATING FOR GOD'S SAKE!" or "I don't think this is appropriate".

I try to do it with a sense of humor, and think that is probably anyone's best course of action. If something is making you uncomfortable conversationally and you can't politely remove yourself, just kindly and lightheartedly request that you talk about something else.

Now, as far as swearing in your own home no matter what, I don't think that that's the best attitude. Anyone who comes to your home is a guest, and you should do your best to make them comfortable. If that means you shouldn't swear while they're there, so be it. And if something slips out I think the uncomfortable person should just let it go. The polite thing works both ways!

[platys]

This was probably an ehell moment for me, but...

I was apart of this group of hobbyists.  It was pretty big, and three or four of us were talking about hair removal techniques.  Not anything particularly odd - it was like shaving vs waxing vs hair removal, blahblahblah.

Well, one of the women at the table got snippy and said we should talk about something else.  So I and another friend immediately launched into a description of hidden penis syndrome, which was on Dr. 90210. 

In this case, I thought she was obnoxious, because this was a pretty large group, with various people talking about any number of things.  It wasn't like it was just the four of us + her. 

[LadyJaneinMD]

To be totally honest here, I don't care for cussing.  I don't do it. My sister doesn't do it.  I don't usually hang around people who cuss every other word. (I also loved the quote about cussing being a product of an unimaginative mind, but I digress...)

Our mother swore like a sailor. Constantly and loudly, but never in public.  She was also very abusive, both physically and mentally.   So, when I hang around someone who swears a lot, it reminds me of my mother, and believe me, those are NOT happy memories.  I don't care about your education or your imagination or your sparkling personality, all I'm doing is wondering where I can hide until it's over. (just like when I was a child)  Swearing just brings up very bad memories that need to remain deeply buried if I'm going to live. 

Just another perspective. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

Curse words are intended to be offensive - that's why they're curse words. Using them in front of others means either (1) solidarity with them, in a "proletariat, salt of the earth" sort of way (but that only works if they swear as well), or (2) that you are subtly or not-so-subtly implying that they are not worth your respect. If you can't convince your acquaintances that you meant (1), then you may expect them to respond negatively. (If you can avoid using bad language at work, don't claim that you "just can't help it" in front of those who are not colleagues or paying customers.)

I agree with this interpretation, but I realistically know that lots of people cuss and few are offended except by the "big ones", However, if *asked* I think they the cusser (is that a word) should respect the request, but if they slip, I dont think the hearer should make a big deal of it. 

As far as indecent TOC's - I think it is totally situational.  Everyone has different sensibilities, and eventually, someone will find themselves with limited friendships if their sensibilities are too delicate...