Author Topic: No, I can't, and no, I won't!  (Read 5397 times)

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DinnerPartyAnimal

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No, I can't, and no, I won't!
« on: December 10, 2009, 04:55:52 PM »
I keep having to use this one with the same person - my mother. In the past two weeks she has:

1. Insisted that my graduation ceremony's time "doesn't work" for her. She's mad that everyone's lining up at a certain time to sit together and she doesn't want to wake up that early, so she wants everyone including me to wait an hour to go in. It's free-for-all seating, and I have to be passed and tweaked and lined up during that time to boot - but she insists I come out and wait for her instead. I said "The line-up time is at 8. Everyone will be going in at that time and I will be going off to lineup. If you can make it, great, if you cannot, hopefully you can still find a seat." I've repeated it word-for-word twice.

2. Now I'm throwing a party in honor of two cousins who are coming in from out of town next week. Everyone I know adores these people and my cousins wanted to see everyone again. Within two seconds of getting the invite: "This will have to be changed because I might not be able to come, I might be doing (x) with your cousins." THE PARTY IS FOR THEM. That's in the invite. They'd already positively RSVPed. She's not doing (x) with the cousins because they want to be at my house with my friends, she doesn't even like (x), and they'll be spending every single day with her before then anyway. I replied "It will be unfortunate if you cannot make it."

My Facebook is full of these things. Every single event I do, the first reply is always about how it won't work for her, or how she doesn't enjoy some aspect of the event, or how she saw something on how this event is bad, or how I didn't think of some sort of extremely minor detail that will surely ruin the party and life and butterflies will die and it will be a long, cold, winter and we will have to resort to cannibalism because I did not mention disposable wine glasses in the invite. Seriously, once it was about stemware. Which I actually had thought of, I'd gotten a ton of matching stemware for 10 cents apiece at some used restaurant supply sale, but why would I have put "don't worry, we have enough glasses!" in an invite? It's kind of a given. "Hey, sorry you have to drink the chardonnay out of the Ninja Turtles tumbler." Though my kind of friends would have thought that was funny.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2009, 04:58:14 PM by DinnerPartyAnimal »

rhirhi

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Re: No, I can't, and no, I won't!
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2009, 06:41:34 PM »
Wow...so your graduation and your cousins' party is all about her. Interesting.

Now, who does she think CAN change the start time of your graduation ceremony? I kinda want to hear that conversation...sorry if that makes me cruel.

DinnerPartyAnimal

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Re: No, I can't, and no, I won't!
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2009, 06:53:06 PM »
I think the first priority in her mind is sitting with everyone else, on her terms, even if that means I risk not being seated for my own graduation.

I still remember for my high school grad she told everyone who would listen that she was so good at sewing that she was going to make a suit for my graduation outfit, and it was going to be just so, and how wonderful it would look, and how grateful I was to have such a great mom.

That morning, she proudly presented to me... some fabric cut into pattern pieces that "just needed to be basted, it'll hold together." She then blamed me for getting upset, as I hadn't gone out to get anything special or even suitable to wear. I Febrezed a dirty shirt and skirt. Then the narrative was "I TOLD her I was going to make something, she is so ungrateful, it was going to be SO PRETTY." That was all she talked about, nothing else about the ceremony was even mentioned.

I was one of the graduation speakers.

Ah, narcissists.

hobish

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Re: No, I can't, and no, I won't!
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2009, 06:57:31 PM »

Good luck, DinnerPartyAnimal ( i have loved your name since the first time i saw it :) ) although it doesn't sound like you need it. You seem to have really good responses and control of the situation. Good on you!

It's alright, man. I'm only bleeding, man. Stay hungry, stay free, and do the best you can.
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DinnerPartyAnimal

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Re: No, I can't, and no, I won't!
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2009, 07:09:13 PM »

Good luck, DinnerPartyAnimal ( i have loved your name since the first time i saw it :) ) although it doesn't sound like you need it. You seem to have really good responses and control of the situation. Good on you!

This board has been a big part of my being a lot more okay with the fact that she will never change and she will never stop being self-centered. I don't have to stop going to and supporting her many events, I don't have to stop inviting her to things that I'm doing because once she gets in the moment she's pretty fun, but I can change how badly I feel when she is unreliable or unreasonable by placing her into a "stock response" category. Having a set of rote phrases to use is like being able to "store away" her unacceptable behaviors - routine responses to what have always been routine histrionics and lack of empathy. At those moments she doesn't become "Mom," she becomes just another unreasonable person, and I can deal with those.

I've also been mentoring someone lately and he's having a huge personality conflict with someone - I taught him some of our EHell phrases and why we use them, and he went from wanting to quit to being a lot more assertive and confident. The one he liked best was "'No' is a complete sentence."

Minmom3

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Re: No, I can't, and no, I won't!
« Reply #5 on: December 11, 2009, 01:25:00 AM »
***some fabric cut into pattern pieces that "just needed to be basted, it'll hold together." ***
Ah, narcissists.

My mother did this to me too, although NOT for my HS graduation..  It was my birthday present!  A bathrobe.  Shawl collar on, shoulder seams stitched, and NOTHING else done.  She got mad at me when I tossed it out.  She didn't like me pointing out that she had given me a gift in pieces, and hadn't cared enough to finish the gift she had offered to make me, so why should I care enough to finish it?

I have upon occasion failed to finish an item by the given due date.  I have YET to hand over an unfinished item, if only because I recall SO well how angry it made me when it happened to me!   >:(
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

Outdoor Girl

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Re: No, I can't, and no, I won't!
« Reply #6 on: December 11, 2009, 11:19:04 AM »
DinnerPartyAnimal, congratulations on figuring out how to deal with your Mom.  When she offers to make your wedding dress, just say NO!  A friend's mother offered to make her dress.  We all asked her if she had purchased a just in case dress.  She hadn't.  Her mother was sewing her into her dress the morning of the wedding because she hadn't finished putting in whatever fastening system she was planning on using.

I will admit to wrapping up uncompleted sweaters for my Dad for Christmas.  In fact, it may happen this year.  But just so he can have something to unwrap.  I then proceed to finish it that day or the next.  I've never wrapped up a sweater still on the needles, though.  Pieces not sewn together (takes about 1.5 hours to complete at this point) or a completed sweater which just needs some embroidery to finish it off.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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