It is all about the gift!

[Mopsy428]

The LW belongs in EH because she's so ungracious and sounds like a gimme pig.

The in-laws belong in E-hell because you just don't say, "You know that thing we bought you X months ago? Yeah, that was your wedding gift!"

I'm very suspicious of the couple who said that they forgot the card and would mail it. Yes, you have a bit of time after the wedding to send a gift, but this particular couple "forgot" their card, which means that presumably, the card was all ready put together and ready to go. So all this couple had to do was address it, put a stamp in it, and put it in the mail. And 3 weeks later, the HC hasn't received the card? Hmmm...I've seen this done before. At a friend's wedding, a couple told the HC that the couple had the gift in their car, and would give them to the HC before the reception ended. Well, the HC came back from the honeymoon, wrote out their thank you notes, and could not find the gift from the couple. Long story short, my friend and her husband couldn't find the gift because the couple never actually got them one. 

[GradKitty]

Funny story about gifts/vs. no gift guests. My parents threw themselves a small wedding in 1980 for close friends and family. One of their friends brought a small, wooden, curio box, about 1 inch X 1 inch X 2 inches--the kind you get at a dollar store, but no card or household gift. My mom and dad thanked him graciously, and have remained quite close with him ever since. When an aunt of mine whined about a relative who attended her daughter's wedding failing to bring a gift, my mother cited this example and always said that they would have missed a great friendship had they written their friend off for not bringing a wedding gift and that the relationship was more important than any item.

Fast forward to 2005, my college graduation party. The same friend gives me a small, wooden curio box. I'm fooling around with the box and discover that it has a false bottom; inside is $200 cash! My parents had sold theirs in a garage sale several years before . Goes to show you that you just never know!

[ghost]

Fast forward to 2005, my college graduation party. The same friend gives me a small, wooden curio box. I'm fooling around with the box and discover that it has a false bottom; inside is $200 cash! My parents had sold theirs in a garage sale several years before . Goes to show you that you just never know!

I used to collect these, and would often buy them at thrift stores and rummage sales - I've found money in three of them through the years. I wonder if maybe I bought one from your parents! 

Two were purchased from rummage sales, and I went back to return the money. One person was very grateful, and let me keep some of the money; the other person just let me keep the whole sum, saying that I found it, so I earned it. The third was purchased at a thrift store, out of town, and it was only 10 dollars, so I kept it.

Anyway, the moral of the story is this - check your belongings before you sell or donate them. I've also found money tucked into the pages of books and in the pockets of clothing. Once, in the interior pocket of a purse, I found a necklace with a small diamond pendant. I had purchased it at a thrift store, and called them to see if we could find the owner. No such luck, so I gave the necklace to my mom since she hated the purse! 

[kingsrings]

It would also seem to me that gift givers should be wary of ‘hiding’ money in the gifts. Sure, it’s clever, amusing, and fun to do so, but only if the receiver finds the $$! Not everyone is going to think to look in all the nooks and crannies of gifts for money, because they’re probably not expecting it to be there, unless they know the giver does that sometimes. That’s a lot of money wasted, or ending up in the hands of people who weren’t supposed to get it.

[hyzenthlay]

We invited one couple to our wedding (close friends of my FIL) who we knew could give us very little, and would almost certainly bring at least to of there adult children with them, who we knew would give us nothing.

It's one of the reason's we decided on a buffet, we knew we wouldn't have an accurate head count.

And they did as we expected, and it just wasn't that big a deal. Maybe because we expected it. I can sympathize with not getting a gift from close family, but from anyone else . . . if I'm close enough to be hurt by it, I should have known you well enough to expect it.

[TylerBelle]

I know it'd be tacky to do so, though if like the LW of the story if one is that focused on gifts and what the guests can reciprocate to the festivities, then there should be no beating around the bush on the matter. If you don't want to put right up front on the invitations that X amount is being spent on each person and if that can't be met, surpassed or at least come pretty close,  the guest is encouraged to decline, then do so by word-of-mouth. That way your wedding has a better chance of being how you envisioned, free of cheapskates and deadbeats .

If you cannot see yourself doing something like that, enjoy the wedding and don't worry about what so and so's getting you. With the exception of the taking the dogs to the vet *gift* from the ILs. It was not very nice to use it as such.

It would also seem to me that gift givers should be wary of ‘hiding’ money in the gifts. Sure, it’s clever, amusing, and fun to do so, but only if the receiver finds the $$! Not everyone is going to think to look in all the nooks and crannies of gifts for money, because they’re probably not expecting it to be there, unless they know the giver does that sometimes. That’s a lot of money wasted, or ending up in the hands of people who weren’t supposed to get it.

I agree with the hiding of money is not the best idea. I always think of that story I've heard many times (not sure if real or like an urban legend) where a son was graduating from high school and for a gift, he'd wanted a car. So he and his dad went to shop around and look at different ones, and the son found the one he liked. On graduation day, for his gift, his dad gave his son  a Bible. In his disappointment, he threw the Bible down and stormed out of the house not to return and he and his father didn't speak for years. I think it was the dad died and the son came back and while going through his dad's things, found the Bible and opened it. And there inside was  money in the exact amount of the car they'd chosen  long before.

[Yvaine]

It would also seem to me that gift givers should be wary of ‘hiding’ money in the gifts. Sure, it’s clever, amusing, and fun to do so, but only if the receiver finds the $$! Not everyone is going to think to look in all the nooks and crannies of gifts for money, because they’re probably not expecting it to be there, unless they know the giver does that sometimes. That’s a lot of money wasted, or ending up in the hands of people who weren’t supposed to get it.

I agree with the hiding of money is not the best idea. I always think of that story I've heard many times (not sure if real or like an urban legend) where a son was graduating from high school and for a gift, he'd wanted a car. So he and his dad went to shop around and look at different ones, and the son found the one he liked. On graduation day, for his gift, his dad gave his son  a Bible. In his disappointment, he threw the Bible down and stormed out of the house not to return and he and his father didn't speak for years. I think it was the dad died and the son came back and while going through his dad's things, found the Bible and opened it. And there inside was  money in the exact amount of the car they'd chosen  long before.

I first encountered that story in a Chicken Soup book and it broke my heart, and I only learned later that it was probably an urban legend. I agree, it's best not to hide the $$$ unless it's well-known that this family/circle of friends/etc. does that. My family usually hides a token amount of money ($10 or less) when giving a gift of a purse or wallet. But we all know we do this, so we all know to check.

Then again, we're also a "recycle the box no matter how absurd" family. We had a Lite Brite box that made the rounds for years. If we didn't open boxes to check, one might think we were constantly giving each other granola bars, shoes in the wrong size, and Cheerios as presents. 

[TheBardess]

then stay home or let your financial situation be known first to the bride and groom.

Wow. Nice to know that my "presents" would be more important than my "presence." And I'm sure great-aunt Doris, who lives on a fixed income, would just be thrilled to know that her beloved niece would rather she stay at home than give some paltry sum that doesn't live up to the fabulousness of the Super-Special couple and their wedding. 

Oh, and my financial situation is NONE of your business AT. ALL. This bride sounds like a real piece of work. It's not often you see such brazen and unashamed greed and entitlement.

[TootsNYC]

And jiminy, doesn't she understand that some people may not be in the financial situation to give a great big gift or even a smaller gift? I certainly wouldn't want any friend to go into debt for me or anything.

That said, I might be a bit hurt if for some reason I knew that a friend didn't get us a wedding present but was buying lots of expensive mixed drinks. The "I'll treat myself at a party, but I won't treat you to anything on the occasion of your marriage" vibe might occasionally be noticeable.

There would have to be other things going on for me to actually notice, though.

(I will say that if you use your guest list a checklist to be sure you didn't miss anyone when you are wrirting your thank-you notes, which is *often* advised, you are going to notice if someone has no "gift / thank-you" info by their name. I can't imagine myself mind it, unless there was some other sort of selfish vibe about the person, though. And then it wouldn't be so much the gift as it is "one more piece of evidence.")


(ooh, did you notice? a cash bar!)

[Jolie_kitten]

I think bringing neither a gift nor a card is rude; a card(or even a nice letter/note) or flowers if for whatever reason you can't bring a gift is ok. A very small token gift is ok. That's how I see it... It's the gesture that counts.

[Jocelyn]

Re: money in books

I've heard of it being the custom in certain doctoral programs, to hide some cash in your dissertation after it's been processed and is placed on the shelves in the library, as a little gift for the first person who actually reads it.

I've thought about doing this...but now that disserations are available online, it doesn't work so well.
I also heard of a PhD who went back for his 25th class reunion, checked his dissertation...and the $20 was still there. 

[kingsrings]

Oh man, that's a real self-esteem downer! LOL.

[Amasi]

If you cannot afford to contribute a small token of appreciation for being invited...

This is the bit that really gets me. If I were having a wedding, I think that my attitude would be that my guests were doing me a favour by showing up to support me, not that I was doing them a favour by graciously allowing them to attend my performance.

On the subject of wedding gifts, my grandmother has recently been clearing out her house in preparation to move into a rest home. She offered me a small green vase (green is my favorite colour), saying it was a wedding gift from her aunt. My first thought was "Gosh, that's really small for a wedding gift". Then I realised that my grandma had not only kept for 40 or 50 years (not sure when she got married) but also remembered exactly who gave it to her.

I think I might put it on prominent display in my home as a reminder to be humble and grateful for what I receive 

[camlan]

If you cannot afford to contribute a small token of appreciation for being invited...

This is the bit that really gets me. If I were having a wedding, I think that my attitude would be that my guests were doing me a favour by showing up to support me, not that I was doing them a favour by graciously allowing them to attend my performance.

On the subject of wedding gifts, my grandmother has recently been clearing out her house in preparation to move into a rest home. She offered me a small green vase (green is my favorite colour), saying it was a wedding gift from her aunt. My first thought was "Gosh, that's really small for a wedding gift". Then I realised that my grandma had not only kept for 40 or 50 years (not sure when she got married) but also remembered exactly who gave it to her.

I think I might put it on prominent display in my home as a reminder to be humble and grateful for what I receive 

The list of my mother's wedding presents from her 1950 wedding includes several such small gifts, like a set of nylon dresser scarves, a can opener and an address book. My dad's aunt gave them a check for $10. Close family did give larger gifts, like a place setting of their silver. There were several checks, all in the $25 to $50 range. (I wish I knew what that would be in today's dollars.) But overall, most of the gifts were pretty modest, especially from their friends, who were only a year or two out of college.

And my mother remembered exactly who gave her which gift. Every holiday, when we took out the good silver, she'd tell me which friend gave her the silver butter dish, which one the crystal salt & pepper shakers, which one the pickle fork. 

[DangerMouth]

"Well I hope they all had a fun afternoon eating and drinking on our dime!!"

Ummm. Isn't that the purpose of inviting people to enjoy your hospitality in celebration of your wedding?