Really big family Christmess....

[MomOf2Boys]

I'm going to start with a bit of background and let me warn you before hand it all sounds like a bad soap opera or a Jerry Springer Show gone wrong. My parents recently reunited after being divorced for 25 years, this wouldn't be a big deal but... 1)They are both still married (Stepmom did leave dad first) 2)My mom was married to (and thus left) my hubby's uncle. For the most part we have worked through all that and been able to continue a decent relationship with all parties.

Now on to Christmas. Normally we spend one evening with my parents (even before the splits and reunion my parents/step-parents were GOOD friends so we did it all together) but this year my oldest brother has decided to skip out on his probation after failing a drug test (baby brother is all ready in jail) thus he is wanted. Now, I'm not a cop but 1)my parents home is listed as my brothers address that is obviousily one of the first places they are going to look and continue to watch 2)if they happen to see a driveway full of cars they are likely going to think family celebration and come in with a warrant expecting brother to be there. My dilema is I don't want to risk having my boys ANYWHERE that cops that might come swarming in (not to mention that many of the local police officers coach my childrens football teams so this would be difficult for all).

I have told mom in no uncertain terms that we will not be there but she is being a drama queen as usual. Her basic response is "But this is mine and your fathers 1st Christmas back together we are ENTITLED to have our children and grandchildren there." I have offered alternate plans (dinner at my home with just her, dad, hubby, boys & I) but she refuses, "It has always been done here (meaning dad's house) and that is tradition."

I should add that this is a replay of last Christmas except 1) I wasn't made aware of the fact that my brothers were wanted and 2)luckily I grown tired of my drunken brothers and left before the cops arrived.

I am sure I have made a million spelling/grammar mistakes here but this mess really has me on edge. To tell ya how bad it is I quit my job so that I wouldn't have to rely on mom to babysit during the boys holiday break because she insisted on doing it at her house and I am not comfortable with having them there. Any suggestions?

[Lisbeth]

I agree that your children should not be exposed to traumatic events if avoidable.  Their safety and well-being have to take priority over "tradition."  I'm sorry your mother doesn't see it the same way.

I'm sorry that you felt that you had to go to the extremes of quitting your job so that your mother wouldn't be the one to keep them.  That is really sad.

At this point, I'd just keep telling your mother, "I'm sorry that you see things that way if that means we won't be spending time together.  However, the children's well-being has to come first, and those are the decisions DH and I have made concerning them.  They are final and nonnegotiable." 

To use a popular Ehell phrase when people repeatedly refuse to accept our decisions, lather, rinse, repeat. (How did that get started?)

[Slartibartfast]

I would be very surprised if the local law enforcement decided to spend their Christmas Eve crashing family reunions.  If it were me, I'd go - but I'm sure you know your situation better than we do.

[LollyBee]

My bad response was to suggest you say "Cool! We get to make a new family tradition when the cops come every year!"  And I don't know that I can suggest anything you've not already offered to your Mom, except, make sure both your parents know you are no way going to have your boys exposed to the potential of that tradition!, and that both Mom & Dad are welcome at yours on a date of their choosing (from a few convenient dates).  

I'd send cards & gifts (if you do) to your brothers & keep lines of communication open so family can't accuse you of not caring about your brothers, but make it clear that you & DH have the responsibility to protect your sons & that right now, that means you won't get to see your brothers in person.

If in the end, you don't see your parents this year, it won't be a complete disaster - they've seen you & DH & your sons every year anyway.  

[MomOf2Boys]

I would be very surprised if the local law enforcement decided to spend their Christmas Eve crashing family reunions.  If it were me, I'd go - but I'm sure you know your situation better than we do.

They crashed it last year (the party is on the 23rd not the 24th or 25th) when other brother was on the run so I'd be shocked if they passed up the opportunity to grab the second brother this year.

[sammycat]

You are doing the right thing by your children and I echo KeenReader in that their safety and well being take priority over "tradition".  Could you either spend Christmas with your in-laws instead or would your parents be willing to come over for an early/late celebration on another day?  

I disagree that your parents are "entitled" to spend Christmas with their children and  grandchildren - the only "entitlement" here is that your children are in a safe environment and if you think that won't happen at your dad's then you are perfectly within your rights not to attend.

[MomOf2Boys]

You are doing the right thing by your children and I echo KeenReader in that their safety and well being take priority over "tradition".  Could you either spend Christmas with your in-laws instead or would your parents be willing to come over for an early/late celebration on another day?  

I disagree that your parents are "entitled" to spend Christmas with their children and  grandchildren - the only "entitlement" here is that your children are in a safe environment and if you think that won't happen at your dad's then you are perfectly within your rights not to attend.

We actually don't have any in-laws (both of hubbys parents are dead and all he has is a brother in another state and the uncle that my mom recently left). I have invited my parents to join us for a meal/gift exchange at my home or either set of grandparents home at any time that is good for them since we have no other plans but it is the "entitlement" issue/tradition that keeps hanging my mom up. She wants it her way and well....I love my parents and I am thrilled they are happy together once again BUT my kids come first and I can't find any way to rationalize taking them somewhere that I know the odds are very high that the cops will "invade" (rightfully).

[MomOf2Boys]

I'd send cards & gifts (if you do) to your brothers & keep lines of communication open so family can't accuse you of not caring about your brothers, but make it clear that you & DH have the responsibility to protect your sons & that right now, that means you won't get to see your brothers in person.

I love my brothers dearly and I guess that is a secondary issue here. I don't want to "celebrate" with the parents when I'd be the only one of the children present. I can hold back my tears and sadness and enjoy the holidays with my children but between crying over my "missing" brothers and waiting on the cops to knock on the door holidays at the parents sounds more like a Helliday.

I also understand that as their first Christmas back together my parents want to celebrate but I think it needs to be a private thing so as not to expose any of the grandkids to the high likelyhood of the cops showing up and searching the home.

[kherbert05]

 since we have no other plans but it is the "entitlement" issue/tradition that keeps hanging my mom up. She wants it her way and well....I love my parents and I am thrilled they are happy together once again BUT my kids come first and I can't find any way to rationalize taking them somewhere that I know the odds are very high that the cops will "invade" (rightfully).

[/size]

Your Mom is totally out of line. In the order preserve her "tradition" she is willing to put her grandchildren between a fugitive and the police. Not to mention what could happen if the adults at the party are charged with aiding your brother, then your children could land in foster care for Christmas.

[sammycat]

You really do have my sympathy in a very difficult situation, especially as your mum seems to be being very stubborn about it.  I know that Christmas might not seem the same with only a small part of your family present, but it's better than also having the cops present when you have small children as well.

2 years ago neither my family nor my in-laws could get their act together about celebrating Christmas (some very ill members, one who eventually died a week prior to Xmas, and just general apathy really from the rest).  I know it sounds awful but I didn't want to just spend the day at home with my DH and children either so we booked a last minute deal to a resort overseas.  We had such a wonderful time that we booked another holiday for the following year (last year).  This year though we are staying home and our absences must have made an impact as now everyone wants to see us on Christmas or Boxing Day.

If it fits into your schedule/budget could you go away for a few days over the Christmas period?  Perhaps by being absent altogether (or even hinting that it may be a possibility)your mother will see how serious you are about not exposing your children to the scene that may erupt if you come over on the planned celebration day.  

[Gwywnnydd]

Your Mom is totally out of line. In the order preserve her "tradition" she is willing to put her grandchildren between a fugitive and the police. Not to mention what could happen if the adults at the party are charged with aiding your brother, then your children could land in foster care for Christmas.

I think this point is *very* important, enough that it bears repeating. If you knowingly cooperate with your brother(s)' attempts to duck a warrant, YOU CAN BE CHARGED with harboring a fugitive. This is Bad JuJu all the way round. Even if it's not your house, if you are present, and know that someone present is currently evading arrest, you could be in very deep doo-doo.

Your mother is blinding herself to the possible ramifications of having her family back together, but you *have* to make your children your first concern. Tell her NO. And when she whines about it, tell her no again. This is SOOO not worth risking the custody of your children (and yes, it *could* get that bad).

[Tabris]

I may be going out on a limb here, but is there any way you could call the police and tell them where your brother is now and have them come get him prior to Christmas?

Your mother would hit the ceiling, but only if she knows you did it. I think that's why they invented the anonymous tip.

Then you could go to your parents' for Christmas and have no fears of the cops showing up.

[MomOf2Boys]

I may be going out on a limb here, but is there any way you could call the police and tell them where your brother is now and have them come get him prior to Christmas?

Your mother would hit the ceiling, but only if she knows you did it. I think that's why they invented the anonymous tip.

Then you could go to your parents' for Christmas and have no fears of the cops showing up.

I hate to say this and I am sure I am going to get some negative responses because of it but....I wish that were an option however my parents are hiding my brother and are being very tight lipped about his where abouts. I would much rather see my brother safely behind bars rather than having the cops hunting him and risk him being harmed in the process (I have NEVER admitted this before but I have tipped the cops off in the past).

My brothers are 27 & 28 and they first landed in jail at 16/17. They have ran so many times that even I have lost count but they never get more than a slap on the wrist. This time both are facing some rather serious charges so the stakes seem to be higher and it really scares me as to how far the brother in question might go to remain free.

[Reika]

Having had some issues with my mother's sibs I certainly don't fault you for calling the cops in the past. And if your parents know where your brother is and are helping him hide... I'd say stay as far away as you can from their house, maybe see if you can take them out to dinner at a favorite restaurant?

[gjcva1]

Momof2Boys,
i think you have shared some of this situation with us here before.  i commented then, and i will repeat now, you have to do what is best for your children, for your nuclear family.  yes, you love your parents and your brothers, but you CANNOT put your children in the kind of situation where instead of singing Here Comes Santa Claus they will be humming the theme from Cops as Uncle Bubba is taken down, cuffed, and hauled off in the paddy wagon (and to the poster who doubted that the cops will be lurking outside to do just that, don't.  hell, even Al Capone probably went home to see his mama for Christmas.  where else are you gonna find them easily?).

it's wonderful that your parents have found each other again after all these years, but your mother seems to have some Norman Rockwell Christmas scene in her mind.  it seems to be clouding her judgement.  if she could adjust what she wants to include protecting your children, fine.  if not, then you are doing exactly the right thing for your beautiful boys. your kids, your call.  it's not at all fun, i've been there, done that.  but it's the right thing to do.  if it helps, WE love and respect you!  

editing to add, responding to your posting that your parents are hiding your brother and not telling anyone where he is.  well, they've chosen which child they will spend Christmas with.