Really big family Christmess....

[sammycat]

I'm sorry to be blunt, but based on your last post I think you should DEFINITELY stay away from your parents' house this year.  If it's possible to catch up with them at a neutral location then do so, but don't let your mum's inability to see past her "ideal" (and in this case unrealistic) Christmas celebration cloud your judgement as to the safety of your children.  What does your DH think of it all?

[Venus193]

... my parents are hiding my brother and are being very tight lipped about his where abouts. I would much rather see my brother safely behind bars rather than having the cops hunting him and risk him being harmed in the process (I have NEVER admitted this before but I have tipped the cops off in the past).

My brothers are 27 & 28 and they first landed in jail at 16/17. They have ran so many times that even I have lost count but they never get more than a slap on the wrist. This time both are facing some rather serious charges so the stakes seem to be higher and it really scares me as to how far the brother in question might go to remain free.

I will echo Sammycat on this one:  Don't go anywhere near this "family reunion" under these conditions.

Your mother is delusional if she fails to see that this is a disaster waiting to happen.  Your first duty is to your spouse and children.  Your mother will survive your absence no matter what she says to you now.

[JoyinVirginia]

Ditto to all other posters who encourage you to maintain your resolve to keep your kids safe.
Your primary responsibility is to your husband and your kids. You are ENTITLED to have a happy, stress-free holiday - as much as possible. Your kids are ENTITLED to enjoy the Christmas holidays without being exposed to family drama.
Any chance you can be "unavailable" when grandma calls, let the answering machine get it, then "whoops! messages must have been erased!" could happen? It sounds like Grandma is not going to let this go, and further discussion is just going to make you crazy!
Joy in Virginia

[ZipTheWonder]

I'm so sorry for what is happening in your family.  This is not something I would even consider risking exposing myself, my husband or my child to, either.  No way. 

Totally, off-topic -- I'm stealing "Hellidays" and "Christmess." 

[Clara Bow]

[quote author=kherbert05 link=topic=711.msg9036#msg9036 date=116665731

I think this point is *very* important, enough that it bears repeating. If you knowingly cooperate with your brother(s)' attempts to duck a warrant, YOU CAN BE CHARGED with harboring a fugitive. This is Bad JuJu all the way round. Even if it's not your house, if you are present, and know that someone present is currently evading arrest, you could be in very deep doo-doo.

Your mother is blinding herself to the possible ramifications of having her family back together, but you *have* to make your children your first concern. Tell her NO. And when she whines about it, tell her no again. This is SOOO not worth risking the custody of your children (and yes, it *could* get that bad).

I hate to sound reactionary, and as if I'm looking at worst case scenarios, but this is a very valid point. There is no reason for your kids to get mixed up in illegal goings on, and there's no need for you to get mixed up in a fugitive situation. I'm sorry your mother is making this hard for you, but your children have to come first. So stay home on Christmas, and maybe do something with mom and dad later in the week, away from the house in case the boys in blue show up....

[ncognito]

I'm sorry to be blunt, but based on your last post I think you should DEFINITELY stay away from your parents' house this year.  If it's possible to catch up with them at a neutral location then do so, but don't let your mum's inability to see past her "ideal" (and in this case unrealistic) Christmas celebration cloud your judgement as to the safety of your children.  What does your DH think of it all?

Wow (and please no need to be to be sorry)....As to my Dh he not only despises my family for constantly doing things that hurt me (a regualr and toxic situation) but his has increasingly grown to dislike my mother for trying to put me in this  situation. If he had his way my parents would never see our children outside our home and I am begining to reach that point as much as it hurts me.

We have bought gifts for my parents and wamt to give them those gifts but it MUST be at a location where I fell comfortable having my children present.

[Clara Bow]

Amen and amen. I think that your DH has a point about not allowing them to see the kids outside of your home. These people need adult supervision!

[sammycat]

I'm so glad that your husband is so supportive, but am sorry that he needs to be in the first place in this instance.  This must be awful for you and I truly sympathise but this might be the catalyst for setting some distance between yourself and your family until/unless things straighten out and your brothers' are no longer in the picture.  With Christmas only a few days away I hope something is sorted out soon.

[ettacat]

I may be going out on a limb here, but is there any way you could call the police and tell them where your brother is now and have them come get him prior to Christmas?

Your mother would hit the ceiling, but only if she knows you did it. I think that's why they invented the anonymous tip.

Then you could go to your parents' for Christmas and have no fears of the cops showing up.

I hate to say this and I am sure I am going to get some negative responses because of it but....I wish that were an option however my parents are hiding my brother and are being very tight lipped about his where abouts. I would much rather see my brother safely behind bars rather than having the cops hunting him and risk him being harmed in the process (I have NEVER admitted this before but I have tipped the cops off in the past).

My brothers are 27 & 28 and they first landed in jail at 16/17. They have ran so many times that even I have lost count but they never get more than a slap on the wrist. This time both are facing some rather serious charges so the stakes seem to be higher and it really scares me as to how far the brother in question might go to remain free.

I am just amazed at the lengths people will go to. Your parents should be ashamed and quite frankly, I would absolutely refuse to have anything to do with them until they stop their criminal activity.

I honestly do not mean to be nasty or harsh. I feel so sorry for you. I also have sibs who refuse to obey laws. But my mother would not help them hide out from the police. If she did, I would not go near her. Things have a way of rubbing off on you, KWIM?

Good luck.

[willow08]

Wow.

Well, I think I will be able to offer you some comfort. I'm married to a police officer who has worked a lot of Christmases and let me assure you that it's not likely that the police will swarm your family Christmas because they think your brother might be there, unless he's wanted for some violent offense like kidnapping or armed robbery. (I'm not saying it's impossible, just not likely.) But if you say they did it last year, you have every reason to believe it's possible this year. I'm very surprised your parents are willing to have their children/grandchildren traumatized, their property at risk and their own freedom at risk (harboring a fugitive is a crime) all for the sake of playing happy family. Going to the party with the potential of the cops showing up would be a very upsetting and dangerous situation to put your children in. Domestic situations, particularly when someone knows they're going to jail, have a tendency to get violent and out of control quickly. It's not something you'd want your child in the middle of.

I think you're perfectly within your rights to not attend the family christmas depsite your Mom's "Entitlement." We It's hard and we hate to cause pain for people we love, but it's necessary to protect your sanity. Just tell your Mom that you refuse to put your children in this situation. You're not asking her to choose between her children. She can see you if she wants to, you just refuse to participate in the drama.

[willow08]

I may be going out on a limb here, but is there any way you could call the police and tell them where your brother is now and have them come get him prior to Christmas?

Your mother would hit the ceiling, but only if she knows you did it. I think that's why they invented the anonymous tip.

Then you could go to your parents' for Christmas and have no fears of the cops showing up.

Excellent suggestion Tabby.

[Tabris]

We have bought gifts for my parents and wamt to give them those gifts but it MUST be at a location where I fell comfortable having my children present.

Might I suggest the Post Office? They have a service which will allow you to give your parents their gifts without your children being in any danger.

I hate saying that, of course (and you know, I'm relieved you said you've tipped off the cops in the past) but your mother is in stark denial about her sons' behavior and is engaging in illegal behavior herself.

If she's willing to sacrifice so much already on the behalf of two sons who haven't proven they deserve it, what is the next thing she'll sacrifice? Your relationship is already on the chopping block. After that, is it her grandchildren's innocence? Your reputation with the kids?

She has terrible boundaries. Your husband's boundaries sound like good ones in this situation.

Good luck. THis sounds terribly wrenching for you.

[willow08]

I'm so sorry for what is happening in your family.  This is not something I would even consider risking exposing myself, my husband or my child to, either.  No way. 

Totally, off-topic -- I'm stealing "Hellidays" and "Christmess." 

"Christmess" made me laugh pretty hard, too. 

[hollasa]

I think, from what you said, that you know some of the police officers personally?

Perhaps you can call up someone you know, and tell them about the situation - that your parents are harboring a fugitive out of some misplaced sense of family loyalty, and that they want you there for "Christmess", and that you don't want your children to have to suffer a police raid.

Thinking aloud - on the other hand, I don't see that the police would agree not to raid just in order to spare your children danger, so probably the only help would be in having your brother picked up first (which I'm 100% in support of).

I wonder if lying would work - just tell your mother that you'll be there, and then don't go and don't answer the phone. She'd be annoyed afterwards, but hey, maybe she'll forget after the police raid happens. She seems not to connected with reality, and I'd be worried about exposing my children to her anyways.

The only person who can make you into a door mat is yourself. I rather get the impression that you need to say NO to your mother more frequently (NO, I'm not going; NO, you're not looking after the children; NO, you're not making good choices). She doesn't seem to support YOUR choices, the same way that your brothers are supported.

BTW, I remember a situation in this province a few years ago - the police had staked out a house for some purpose - drug raid? escaped convict? - and then when they raided the house, shot the dog (who was not pleased with the raid). Unfortunately, they had missed that a children's birthday party was being held at the time. This made the news as being rather traumatic for the children.

[ncognito]

I'm so glad that your husband is so supportive, but am sorry that he needs to be in the first place in this instance.  This must be awful for you and I truly sympathise but this might be the catalyst for setting some distance between yourself and your family until/unless things straighten out and your brothers' are no longer in the picture.  With Christmas only a few days away I hope something is sorted out soon.

After last Christmas I didn't speak to my parents for 6 months when I found out they had risked my children by having them in the same place where they were hiding my younger brother. Looks like this year is going to start off the same way. They swear the currently wanted brother won't be present but the cops won't know that until they swarm in and search and I don't want my children seeing even that.