Comments on personal appearance

[Allyson]

There are a few people in my social circle who are a bit clueless when it comes to interactions, and tend to say rather dense things. I also have a bit of a curse--I attract comments to which the only response is to stare and say "Did you seriously just say that to me?" I've gotten fairly good at replying, but sometimes I'm either shocked into silence, or rude in the moment.

A guy I knew once saw fit to inform me, "So-and-so is prettier than you, but you're a better person." I was a bit appalled by this, but didn't say anything. The next time someone said something like that, a guy who was a friend of mine said "Of all the girls here, I'm least attracted to you." I said, "Why on earth would you say that to me?" He realised what he'd said and tried to explain what he'd meant was, I didn't need to worry about him hitting on me! The ironic thing here is that he later changed his mind, and we dated for a year. (He wasn't actually as bad as the comment makes him sound, just a real case of meaning one thing and the wrong thing coming out. I definitely teased him about it for months though.)

For example, I was at work one time when a girl I know a bit outside of work came in. When she saw me, she gasped, "Oh my god, what's wrong? You look terrible!" I just blinked at her, and said "Actually, I'm feeling fine." "You have huge dark circles under your eyes!" she replied, still sounding like she was about to call an ambulance for me right then. "Thanks so much," I replied, not very polite I admit, and turned back to my work. She immediately tried to backtrack, and I shrugged it off.

The latest time this has happened, I went the direct route. 'Lisa`had a habit of making unflattering observations about me, either telling me she didn`t think something I was wearing was flattering, or pointing something out I already knew. The last time she did it, I turned her and said , `Lisa, do you realise that every time I`ve seen you in the last month, you`ve said something about my appearance?" She kind of blanched and asked, "Always negative?" "Yes" I answered. She apologised and never did it again. I was pretty proud of myself for that one.

Do you guys think these responses are acceptable? What would you have done? I usually try not to cause conflict, but when it's happened more than once I can't help but get a bit...testy!

[katycoo]

Honestly, I think you've responded fine - perhaps a bit testy but not going all out rude.

I think it has more to do with moving on from the comments quickly - especially when you know it wasn't intended as an insult, just thoughtless wording (eg.  Are you ok, you look awful!) actually comes from a place where they care about you.  It just doesnt sound it!

[Venus193]

Your response to Lisa was perfect.

I consider it the height of rudeness to comment on anyone's appearance unless one is a boss telling an underling s/he is inappropriately dressed for a client meeting.

[claddagh lass]

Your responses sound very good.

[Sara Crewe]

Your response to Lisa was perfect.

I consider it the height of rudeness to comment on anyone's appearance unless one is a boss telling an underling s/he is inappropriately dressed for a client meeting.

I think this does apply in other situations.  If I've assumed an invitation for a backyard barbecue requires jeans and a t-shirt, I'd appreciate it if someone warned me it was summer dresses, hats and lunch on the veranda providing I have time to change.

[Venus193]

Tiamet, your comment made me think of an episode of Bewitched when an ex of Darrin's invites him and Samantha to dinner saying it's "casual."  They arrive in everyday clothes to discover everyone is in black tie and long dresses.

Darrin didn't want Samantha to conjure up formal wear for them, which told me he wasn't smart enough for her.

[Piratelvr1121]

I saw that one! LOL Love what Samantha ended up doing to the woman though. 

[Venus193]

She absolutely deserved that.

[Sara Crewe]

I've always thought that Bewitched showed what in real life would be an abusive relationship -

just change everything about yourself, cut off your family and do exactly what I want and then you will be worthy of being married to me.

I don't think so.

[Hollanda]

I am coming to the conclusion that some people think before they speak. A rude woman in the shop in the hospital I work in, has now twice made reference to my weight. The second time I coldly said "If you are trying to say I look fat, please come out and say it rather than make snide remarks as to whether or not I have started going to a gym." She just looked really confused and said "Oh there's no need to get defensive about it." I informed her that my weight is not a subject up for discussion and I would no longer be a customer in that shop due to her rudeness. Maybe I could have handled it better, but this woman really is so rude. I got some cheers from people in line behind me after saying that.

[Ms_Shell]

I've always thought that Bewitched showed what in real life would be an abusive relationship -

just change everything about yourself, cut off your family and do exactly what I want and then you will be worthy of being married to me.

I don't think so.

Yeah, DH and I don't watch that show together anymore.  He's getting tired of my feminist rants at the TV.

[Elfmama]

I am coming to the conclusion that some people think before they speak. A rude woman in the shop in the hospital I work in, has now twice made reference to my weight. The second time I coldly said "If you are trying to say I look fat, please come out and say it rather than make snide remarks as to whether or not I have started going to a gym." She just looked really confused and said "Oh there's no need to get defensive about it." I informed her that my weight is not a subject up for discussion and I would no longer be a customer in that shop due to her rudeness. Maybe I could have handled it better, but this woman really is so rude. I got some cheers from people in line behind me after saying that.

That line "It's not up for discussion" shows up a lot here!  A perfectly fine way to shut down unwanted commentary.

[Hollanda]

I am coming to the conclusion that some people think before they speak. A rude woman in the shop in the hospital I work in, has now twice made reference to my weight. The second time I coldly said "If you are trying to say I look fat, please come out and say it rather than make snide remarks as to whether or not I have started going to a gym." She just looked really confused and said "Oh there's no need to get defensive about it." I informed her that my weight is not a subject up for discussion and I would no longer be a customer in that shop due to her rudeness. Maybe I could have handled it better, but this woman really is so rude. I got some cheers from people in line behind me after saying that.

That line "It's not up for discussion" shows up a lot here!  A perfectly fine way to shut down unwanted commentary.

I am definitely learning from this site lol!!! Getting the hang of "bean-dipping" too. Rude people just hate it when the subject is abruptly changed. It makes me wonder whether people are rude simply as a way of deflecting from their own insecurities.  Whatever the reason, where I once used to take it, I now deal with it and face it. It's far better to tacitly acknowledge a rude person for what they are, than to blithely accept it and be a doormat and allow people to wipe their feet all over you. It makes me realise just how much I used to take from people and then end up feeling bad myself...I now just smile to myself and condemn said rude person to roast in EHell!!!!! LOL!!!

Meeting some great people on this site too!!!

[Venus193]

Your take on rude people is right on the money.  A certain ex of mine is deliberately rude in public and may be etiquette-proof.  Even his oldest friend despairs of addressing this subject.

[JillyJ]

For example, I was at work one time when a girl I know a bit outside of work came in. When she saw me, she gasped, "Oh my god, what's wrong? You look terrible!" I just blinked at her, and said "Actually, I'm feeling fine." "You have huge dark circles under your eyes!" she replied, still sounding like she was about to call an ambulance for me right then. "Thanks so much," I replied, not very polite I admit, and turned back to my work. She immediately tried to backtrack, and I shrugged it off.

There is a guy at my office that constantly does that to a co-worker of mine.  Telling her she looks tired, or her hair is a mess, etc.  It's actually become a running gag between she and I so whenever we see each other we give each other a once over and say, "Um...you look like s**t."  Cause that's essentially what this guy is telling her.  Always cracks us up that anyone is really that socially inept.