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  • May 28, 2016, 03:10:37 AM

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Author Topic: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"  (Read 2381 times)

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Ceallach

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Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #15 on: May 22, 2016, 11:17:42 PM »
I think context definitely plays a big part.  Somebody saying "We can't come, can you move it" would sound demanding.   But in response to "Can you join us for dinner on the 20th?" a polite "Oh no we have a prior engagement!  Any chance we could do the 22nd instead?"  seems perfectly innocent and pleasant.   
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Venus193

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Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #16 on: May 22, 2016, 11:53:26 PM »
The author mentioned that there are repeat incidents of this.   I don't blame her for being offended if it's the same people.





Deetee

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Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #17 on: May 23, 2016, 12:38:35 AM »
The author mentioned that there are repeat incidents of this.   I don't blame her for being offended if it's the same people.

I don't see the issue at all if it''s the same people. Maybe the same people are busy.

I know that many/most of my social engagements involve an ongoing game of "pick the date". People work/have kids/travel etc... If people weren't willing to negotiate we would never see each.

Why would I get offended if the same person can't make dinner on my suggested date because they are out of town on multiple occasions?

As I stated up thread, it depends on the type of invitation but if it's an invite to a specific person/social unit, I want to find a time that works for both of us.

artk2002

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Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2016, 10:22:18 AM »
The author mentioned that there are repeat incidents of this.   I don't blame her for being offended if it's the same people.

I wonder what the author's response to these people is. If it's "Well, let's work on it" then she's taught them that they are doing the right thing. If it's "Oh, that's too bad. We'll catch you another time" then she's teaching them that they are doing the wrong thing.
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Outdoor Girl

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Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #19 on: May 24, 2016, 10:34:49 AM »
I organize a lunch group at work.  At first, I was trying to work with everyone's schedules and find a day that would work for most people.  That was a lot of work!  Then I set a specific day each month and let people know that was the day we'd be going.  Which then had to be cancelled regularly because I'd end up the only one available.  So finally, I started checking with the two people who were most consistent with going out for lunch and arrange something that worked for the three of us.  Then I'd invite everyone else in the group to join us, or not.  This has worked much better!

I'd probably approach a formal dinner party the same way.  Get in touch with the one or two couples I really wanted to be there and arrange a date that worked with them.  Then I'd invite other couples to fill the table.  And if that date didn't work for them?  Oh, sorry.  Hope to see you next time!
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crazycatlady331

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Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #20 on: May 24, 2016, 06:32:18 PM »
(Note, I've never hosted a formal dinner party and probably never will.)  Hosting friends usually involves ordering pizza and letting people have free reign of the blender for boozy cocktails.

When my group of friends organizes events, it is typically done by group text.   If the initial proposal is the 22nd and it does not work, and someone suggests the 23rd, everyone has their chance to veto it (to the group).  If it is being hosted by someone, then host gets first dibbs on the date.  (If it is at a public place like a restaurant, it is the date that works for the most people).   Even a set in stone date (like a birthday) can be moved around (especially if the actual birthday falls during the week). 

Bottom line is it is a know your audience type thing.  But if I want to host something for 5 people, and the date does not work for 4/5, then I'm changing the date.

TaterTot

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Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #21 on: Yesterday at 11:19:00 PM »

 

I think negotiating for a casual dinner is one thing, there is no negotiating for a formal dinner or party period.       

I agree, and that was my take on the DA letter; not a "hey let's go to dinner, and try and figure out a good day/time" but more "i'm having a small party/dinner party on x date, at x time" are you able to come, and the invitee isn't but then wants everything changed to fit their convenience and schedule.

DD set up a group ticket buy & date for a trip to the state Renaissance Festival while I was there.  The weekend chosen was Mothers' Day, because my flight home was Tuesday...at the next-to-the-last minute, someone in the original group announced that the whole group had to go a week later, as a sibling was going to graduate that weekend and they had to go.  Then another person announced that they were going to graduate on Friday and the trip needed to be put off until Saturday morning instead of Friday evening (and stay in a hotel). 

The first person got emailed their tickets and told to have fun whenever they went but that everyone else was going to go in the group which *her* mother was attending, as the flight could not be rescheduled easily or cheaply.  Second person was in "our party" and we left early Saturday morning...after some kerfluffle about "I'm going to skip the graduating & just drop by to pick up my certificate (note - not a diploma) on the way up Friday evening" and decided that they would walk after all...

The reduced size group did enjoy the Renaissance Festival - even the one with the certificate for a two year program (not a degree) - but I have no contact with the "my sibling is graduating and the other nine of you must reschedule to allow Spouse & me to go to both events on different weekends" person.

Can you explain why the bolded are relevant for your examples? I do not see why these asides are necessary.