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Author Topic: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...  (Read 741 times)

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Harriet Jones

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I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« on: Yesterday at 03:32:52 PM »
There's a family wedding coming up and we haven't received an invitation, although we've been told by a couple of other relatives (including the groom's mother) that we *are* actually invited.  It won't hurt our feelings at all if we're not invited, but my husband does want to go *if* we are invited.  Is there a good way I can ask about this?  If so, can someone help me write a short message? 

Lynn2000

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #1 on: Yesterday at 04:01:34 PM »
There's a family wedding coming up and we haven't received an invitation, although we've been told by a couple of other relatives (including the groom's mother) that we *are* actually invited.  It won't hurt our feelings at all if we're not invited, but my husband does want to go *if* we are invited.  Is there a good way I can ask about this?  If so, can someone help me write a short message?

Sticky. I think the best thing would be to not go, and not do anything. According to strict etiquette you have not been invited, and if the couple meant to invite you they should be contacting you themselves to follow up your non-RSVP. (Invitations do get lost in the mail through no fault of the sender.) There was also a recent thread about someone who was invited by email by the groom's mother, but later came to suspect that the HC had not intended to invite her at all, and the groom's mother overstepped.

The farthest I would go, is to tell the person who assured you that you were invited (groom's mother), that you're concerned because you haven't gotten an invitation yet, or otherwise heard directly from the HC, and don't feel comfortable attending without that. Stress the no hard feelings aspect. If the HC meant to invite you, this will get back to them and let them know your invitation got lost or whatever, and they will contact you directly. If the HC did not mean to invite you, you will either hear nothing (as they refuse to give in to a mother's demands)... or they will cave and invite you under pressure. Which would stink, but I don't think you could consider yourself a party to that if you were careful in your own message.
~Lynn2000

Harriet Jones

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #2 on: Yesterday at 04:13:03 PM »
If we weren't particularly close relatives, I wouldn't be worrying about it, but the groom is DH's nephew (MOG is his sister). And part of the problem may be that the invitations were postcards and they didn't "look like an invitation", whatever that means.  It's possible that ours just didn't make it *or* it got tossed because it was mixed in with bulk mail postcards.

EllenS

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #3 on: Yesterday at 04:19:45 PM »
I agree with Lynn that *if* the reassuring relative brings it up again, you could mention that you didn't get an invite. Otherwise I'd count on the routine rsvp check for them to catch the error (assuming it is one).

nuit93

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #4 on: Yesterday at 05:32:22 PM »
I'd check again with the groom's mother and mention you hadn't received an invite.

I was in a similar situation and it turned out that the B&G didn't have my correct address.

Harriet Jones

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #5 on: Yesterday at 05:41:32 PM »
I'd check again with the groom's mother and mention you hadn't received an invite.

I was in a similar situation and it turned out that the B&G didn't have my correct address.

The other person who told us we were invited actually gave the HC our address when they requested it.

Lynn2000

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #6 on: Yesterday at 05:49:30 PM »
I'd check again with the groom's mother and mention you hadn't received an invite.

I was in a similar situation and it turned out that the B&G didn't have my correct address.

The other person who told us we were invited actually gave the HC our address when they requested it.

I had an odd situation a few years ago, that I've mentioned here before. In brief, Mike invited me to his wedding, and also asked me for Carrie's mailing address as he was thinking of inviting her, but hadn't yet decided. He ended up not inviting her, due to space concerns. I was very glad I'd never said anything to Carrie about it. Mike was very clear he hadn't completely decided, though. But, I could see someone skipping over that nuance, and just assuring you that you had been invited because the HC asked them for your address.

However, as it's your DH's nephew, it does seem like you're probably invited, and the invitation has just gone missing. I would wait for them to call you regarding your RSVP, or the next time DH's sister brings it up, tell her you never got an invitation, and you don't want to step on any toes.
~Lynn2000

Harriet Jones

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 05:58:43 PM »
I know I'm making excuses, but if we wait until they call, it would probably be too late to arrange reasonably priced travel.  The wedding is about 1600 miles away

nuit93

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #8 on: Yesterday at 06:13:18 PM »
I'd check again with the groom's mother and mention you hadn't received an invite.

I was in a similar situation and it turned out that the B&G didn't have my correct address.

The other person who told us we were invited actually gave the HC our address when they requested it.

That happened in my case too, only the person who told me I was invited was my mother, who gave the B&G an incorrect address.  I assumed I hadn't been invited until I got a frantic phone call from mom demanding to know why I hadn't RSVP'd yet  :o

If travel is a concern and you know the B&G would really miss your presence if you did not show up, it might be worthwhile to reach out to them about it.

FauxFoodist

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #9 on: Yesterday at 07:27:25 PM »
I have the same situation, except the wedding isn't so far away so transportation plans aren't an issue.  We've been told by the groom's mother (more than once) that we're on the list "for sure."  However, no invitation has been received yet (although the wedding is 3.5 months away).  We've already arranged time off and lodging (staying at my mom's since the wedding will be local to where I grew up).  If we end up not having been invited after all, it's no big deal to cancel our time off.  When it's close to the deadline when you could get to the best transportation deal and haven't heard anything, I'd have DH contact his sister.  I think given the groom is close family, it's okay to double-check.  The relative in my case is the 2nd cousin once removed of DH (the mother is DH's 2nd cousin).  We'll wait to see if we receive an invitation in May (if they are going by standard times of when to send out wedding invitations, I expect to see it by six weeks out).  I *am* tempted to buy the wedding gift now as they are registered somewhere that almost always has a 20% off coupon and if we end up keeping the item, it's something I'd like to have anyway.  The downside would be that if we were to buy as if off the registry before knowing for sure if we were invited, then it pops up as something someone already bought (although I'd think there'd be some way to change that).

MorgnsGrl

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #10 on: Yesterday at 07:57:00 PM »
There's a family wedding coming up and we haven't received an invitation, although we've been told by a couple of other relatives (including the groom's mother) that we *are* actually invited.  It won't hurt our feelings at all if we're not invited, but my husband does want to go *if* we are invited.  Is there a good way I can ask about this?  If so, can someone help me write a short message?

So the groom's mother told you that you are invited, AND another person gave your address to the bride and groom when they requested it? Yeah, I don't think you're stretching in thinking you're probably invited, given that info.

"Hey, SIL, we never did get any sort of invitation in the mail to Nephew and Fiancée's wedding. Can you do us a huge favor and just verify that we did end up on the final guest list? We know sometimes there are snafus with venues and guest lists have to be cut at the last minute, so we'll totally understand if things changed and we aren't actually invited; we'd just hate to run out of time to make travel arrangements if the invite got lost in the mail. Thanks so much!"

pattycake

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #11 on: Yesterday at 08:17:34 PM »
Can't your husband just call his sister and ask? If it was a more distant relative or friend, I wouldn't, but if it was my own sibling, unless there are bad feelings in the family, I would just ask.

Harriet Jones

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #12 on: Yesterday at 09:47:31 PM »
He's called his sister many times! Every time he's spoken to her about it, she says we're definitely invited, but there's been no invitation in the mail. (The bride posted 3 weeks ago on FB about having mailed the invitations.)   

Hmmmmm

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #13 on: Yesterday at 09:55:58 PM »
He's called his sister many times! Every time he's spoken to her about it, she says we're definitely invited, but there's been no invitation in the mail. (The bride posted 3 weeks ago on FB about having mailed the invitations.)

If I were him I'd say "Sis, we most definately did not receive an invite. If you really feel your son meant to invite us, you should follow up with him." If she calls back and says you were to be invited and the invite must be lost then I would take her word for it unless there is some back history to cause you to question it."

LifeOnPluto

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Re: I don't want to fish for an invitation, but ...
« Reply #14 on: Today at 12:40:25 AM »
He's called his sister many times! Every time he's spoken to her about it, she says we're definitely invited, but there's been no invitation in the mail. (The bride posted 3 weeks ago on FB about having mailed the invitations.)

If I were him I'd say "Sis, we most definately did not receive an invite. If you really feel your son meant to invite us, you should follow up with him." If she calls back and says you were to be invited and the invite must be lost then I would take her word for it unless there is some back history to cause you to question it."

I agree with this. I'd nicely ask SIL to check with her son.

If - for whatever reason - SIL doesn't follow up with her son, and the invite still hasn't arrived, I'd err on the side of caution and not go.