An umpteenth thread on Facebook etiquette – viewing access

[kingsrings]

Okay, I’ve been FB friends with a classmate for a while now. We went to preschool together, were friends then, and our moms were good friends back then. We also went to high school together. We’ve also kept in pretty frequent contact on FB, commenting on each other’s walls, and sometimes private messaging each other.

As all you other FB’ers know, recently we all had to update our privacy settings, and FB made some changes to increase the privacy of one’s profile. Now I can’t view friend’s wall. Her profile comes up, but all it displays is all her tabs with the exception of her wall. Yet there is not the usual FB display of “_____ only allows certain people to view her info” that comes up when one has their privacy settings set a certain way. I’d like to know what’s going on in her life, as I’ve enjoyed our contact.

So I don’t know if she has it set so I can’t view her wall, or if there is a problem on either of our ends with our FB profile, or if for whatever reason, she’s taken her wall of off of her profile. But I don’t know the etiquette of trying to find out, or if I should send her a message about her wall. I don’t want to put her in an uncomfortable situation if she has, for whatever reason, denied me access to her wall. Last year, she deleted me off of her friends list for reasons still unknown and never explained to me, but friended me again after I sent her a friend request, so I think that must have been an accidental deletion. 

Soo…..would it be rude of me to send her a private message inquiring? Or should I just let it go?

[RandomAngel]

Truthfully, I would let it go.

On the one hand, the new security settings may have "defaulted" to something more strict than she had originally had, and she may not have realized/changed it. On the other, she DID delete you off her friends' list, and then re-added you when you pressed the issue, which sounds more like a non-confrontational person trying to cull her list than like a pure accident to me. In either case, I think that your best course is letting her make the next move, facebook-wise.

[Celany]

Truthfully, I would let it go.

On the one hand, the new security settings may have "defaulted" to something more strict than she had originally had, and she may not have realized/changed it. On the other, she DID delete you off her friends' list, and then re-added you when you pressed the issue, which sounds more like a non-confrontational person trying to cull her list than like a pure accident to me. In either case, I think that your best course is letting her make the next move, facebook-wise.

I would let it go too, for now. With the caveat that, if you're every messaging each other (since you mention that you do message) & she says something about her wall like maybe a "oh, did you like the xxx link I posted, it made me think of you", you could then point out that you can't actually see her wall anymore & weren't sure if it was on purpose & didn't want her to feel awkward if you were easing back from the friendship.

For the record, I've become more choosy with who I allow access to what on my FB, now that we can adjust the privacy settings so much. I've realized that I really want only the people that I genuinely feel close to to see all the little bits & pieces.

[siamesecat2965]

I would also let it go.  She may have purposely blocked your viewing her wall, or done it accidentally.  My settings are set VERY high, so only my friends can view any of my info.  I like the idea of bringing it up, say if she says, hey check this out on my wall, you can then say, sorry, for some reason I'm not able to view it.

I will admit to being a bit nosy, and have browsed and searched for people sporadically on FB, and there are a few who I know I wasn't able to see any info on prior to FB changing their settings etc., but now certain info IS viewable.  My guess is that a lot of them simply aren't aware of the settings, and what to set etc.

[kingsrings]

Yeah, when it comes to viewing the profiles of non-friends, I’ve noticed that some will say something like, “_____ only allows…..”, but then it seems like I’m able to view their wall, which seems like something one would want to set to the most private. Perhaps they only want their info box to be set to private though.

I guess I won’t say anything to this friend. It just seems weird that someone whom I’ve known all my life and have been frequently corresponding with on FB would suddenly not allow access to her wall.

[WhiteTigerCub]

Maybe she has two different 'groups' and you are among the more restrictive group?

I have a 'family' and a 'friend' group and have them set for different access levels.

One of the new features I think also includes that you can restrict status messages to certain groups or people. I wonder if the thought is that she will grant access to posts on the live feed or news feed depending on what she posts.

[Bibliophile]

My bro's fiance's FB page did that to me.  I let it go.  It was that way for a few weeks, but I can see it now.  She may not realize what her settings did or it could've been a glitch or something...  I try not to let any FB viewing things annoy me as half the time it was just a FB glitch to begin with...

[Vilandra]

I had a FB friend whose wall I could suddenly no longer see (before the big privacy changes).  It didn't say 'So and so only shares some of her profile information with everyone', the wall just wasn't viewable to me.  I would bet that this person, for whatever reason, cut you off from viewing her wall.  Personally, I think it would be rude/weird to ask--I'd let it go (and I'd adjust my profile settings accordingly--if I can't view theirs, they don't view mine!)

[squeakers]

I play a lot of the FB games and have thousands of game friends.  One of the mafia war gimmicks is that if one of your mafia finds a secret stash while you are in combat you can post it to their wall, they click that post and you both get to share the loot. 

Sometimes you get a pink screen saying "no posting to that person's wall" in which case you shrug and continue fighting.  But sometimes when you are the one who has to do the clicking to do the sharing back and you get that "no posting" .. it turns out that they hadn't fixed their privacy settings after this last update.  I know that because I commented on my wall post about wishing I could have shared the loot because it was nice stuff. Friend popped on and said "wut? wups!" and then went and changed his settings.

I also had this problem with a castle age friend.  When I ask for help I always try to RTF (return the favor) which would be to run down their wall and help them with whatever games* we have in common.  I simply commented "Oops, guess I can't help you with anything because your wall is non-existent for me.  Thanks for helping me out though!" He was all confused and I had to show him how to change the settings because he did want it open for everyone to see.

And I have had friends disappear from my friend list.. couldn't find them by name, disappointment abounded.. only to see a post from them the next day.  FB is just plain glitchy at times.

I would send a PM saying "Hey, I can't see your wall right now. FB changed the settings recently which may be the reason.  But if you are limiting me to just your info page and such.. I understand." And depending on what she says back.. decide whether I would want to remain friends with her.

*most of my friends are gamers who play a lot of games.  I recruited them specifically for that reason.  My RL friends and family either play the games too or have all the apps blocked so their walls stay clean.  Or maybe they have me on limited viewing/posting privileges and I haven't noticed cos we never talked in HS and don't really have anything to say to each other now?

[Surianne]

I don’t want to put her in an uncomfortable situation if she has, for whatever reason, denied me access to her wall. Last year, she deleted me off of her friends list for reasons still unknown and never explained to me, but friended me again after I sent her a friend request, so I think that must have been an accidental deletion. 

Soo…..would it be rude of me to send her a private message inquiring? Or should I just let it go?

I think you should leave it alone.  I have my wall restricted to only my closest friends, and it annoys me when acquaintances message me to ask why they can't see it or post to it.  I don't like sharing all my business with everyone, and I don't like it when people keep pushing to be "closer" with me on FB than I am comfortable with.

I agree.  A girl I went to school with seems to have cut me off from her wall, and while I'm mildly curious as to why, I think it's best to leave it alone.  I still see her status updates and comment on those from time to time, and she replies back, so she knows I'm still interested in being friends.

[MaggieB]

I don't think you can tactfully ask about seeing her wall, so I would just move my communication with her to private messages once in a while.  The shift in the way you communicate with her might clue her in to the fact that you can;t see her wall to comment any other way, or it might be exactly what she's after.

[kingsrings]

Honestly, it does seem a little confusing and weird to me for someone to friend people, but not allow them to see your wall. That is pretty much the main part of FB – why would you friend someone in the first place if you didn’t want to allow them access to your wall? If I don’t feel comfortable with someone viewing my wall for whatever reason, then I don’t feel comfortable enough to friend them in the first place. And it leads to awkward situations like mine, where I’m confused because I don’t know if I’m just being denied access to a certain part, or if there is genuinely a problem with someone’s settings.

[Celany]

Honestly, it does seem a little confusing and weird to me for someone to friend people, but not allow them to see your wall. That is pretty much the main part of FB – why would you friend someone in the first place if you didn’t want to allow them access to your wall? If I don’t feel comfortable with someone viewing my wall for whatever reason, then I don’t feel comfortable enough to friend them in the first place. And it leads to awkward situations like mine, where I’m confused because I don’t know if I’m just being denied access to a certain part, or if there is genuinely a problem with someone’s settings.

I think this is part of a much bigger question about what FB *is* and what it means to different people. Already, the website has been through a lot & changed HUGELY from when it was just a private sort of yearbook for college students.

FB to me is a place to keep up with my close friends, an easy way to plan outings & share photos, a place to make notes about what I'm up to, or share links that I'm interested in. It's a good place to find groups of people in my area that share the same interests & possibly lead to meeting & making new friends. It's also a place to reconnect & feel out old friends, or even acquaintances. I know a few people that I barely talked to in HS, but since reconnecting on FB, we now have a lot more in common than we used to, & have become genuine friends. Then, there are other people that were my BBFs in highschool, that I fell out of touch with & having reconnected with them....well, I'd just as soon stay out of touch, because it's clear from their postings & opinions that we don't have much in common & I don't wish to engage with them anymore.

FB is NOT to me a place to play games, take every friggin quiz out there, & cover my profile with bling. While I respect the fact that other people love that, it's not for me, and no I WON'T go join farmville with you, or put a platinum-plated set of faerie wings with iridescent purple sparkles that signify unity with the Eternal Consciousness on my wall no matter how many times you ask me.

In the case of what I let people see re: my wall & stuff, I have coworkers that are friends, I restrict their access to certain things. I've had some "friends" that I was never too close to & they clearly wanted to get too close for my comfort, so I restricted their access too. & after some though, I decided that, while I don't mind Joe Shmoe from high school having a broad overview of what's going on in my life (just like, if I ever see Joe at home when I'm visiting my parents & make some small talk with him), I'd rather not have him know that I'm debating sneaking out to central park tonight with friends to make naked snow angels.

So that's what FB means to me.

I bet everybody here has a different way of looking at it. And we're all tweaking our profiles & our privacy according to what we want to get out of it. & we're trying to (politely) wade through what all those different viewpoints being displayed with different degrees of openness towards friends, acquaintances, & random people mean. It really is a brave new world.

[Surianne]

There are any number of reasons.  Some people like having a wide-ranging facebook friends list so they can keep in touch by private message, or be able to invite people to events, but they see their wall as private.  I know a few people who restrict the wall so their coworkers or family members (especially parents) can't see it, because the wall can get a bit racy.  Some have removed the wall entirely, because it's just not their thing.  

[kingsrings]

You can block a person permanently from sending you friend requests. Then you won't be bothered by someone who won't give up the fight (or who just has a bad memory) to become your FB friend.