Silence after sending friend an email

[Katelyn]

Grinch is a playfully reprimanding term in my social circle, just as some people playfully use the term nazi.  Either could be considered rude in the wrong audience.  I am sorry for any offence.

On Christmas Eve, my hubby just smiled when I suggested we open "just one gift, just the one!" and said "not gonna happen".  He took zero offence when I replied with "well, that's just grinchy".  It is not meant to be highly offensive.  

I am commonly known as the "coaster nazi".  I *hate* water circles on tables, and have been met with rolled eyes when I ask for a coaster at a friend's house.  I take no offence, but I do know that others might find the term nazi very derogatory.  

Regardless, I have decided to take my bat and my ball and hide in the corner for a while.  I will drop her a breezy update email in a month or so if nothing happens between and guage the response as to whether she is just pulling away.  

And in future, any requests for my own recipes are going to be met with a "fairs fair" response.  You can have it, in exchange for one of your own.  Perhaps I should throw a recipe swap party  

[BettyDraper]

I actually do think there is something wrong with *asking* other people for their recipes and then refusing to share any of your own.*  To me it just seems selfish and entitled and greedy to expect information to flow one way.  Like asking someone for a favor, full well knowing you would refuse to do them any favors if the situation was reversed, kwim?  If it was one specific recipe the hypothetical person didn't want to share, I wouldn't really have a problem with it - but refusing to share *all* recipes while asking others to share just doesn't feel right to me.

But life isn't black and white.  There are nuances.  "Can I have that recipe you copied off the back of Granny's Old-Fashioned Cream of Mushroom Soup" is not the same request as "Can I have the recipe for your signature cupcakes."

Let me try an analogy.  I am a journalist.  Back when I was working in a newsroom, I would have no problems calling out "Hey Joe, what's the number of the Trans Global  Air Lines PR guy again?" and Joe would message it to me.  

I would never, ever say "Joe, can you give me the cell phone and home phone numbers for the chairman, chief pilot and CEO of the Trans Global Air Lines?"  Even though I know he had those numbers in his wallet.  Obtaining them was the fruit of many years of source cultivation and relationship building, and they were not to be shared or used lightly.  We all have similar information in our respective contact files and even among friends and co-workers of long standing, it's just understood that you don't share it and you don't put someone on the spot by even making the request in the first place.  In fact, asking for the information is such a faux pas in the first place that pretending not to hear it, as the OP's friend is doing with the cupcake recipe, is probably the most kind and polite response!  

[DottyG]

just as some people playfully use the term nazi

Little advice....don't "playfully" do this here at EHell.  It's not looked at kindly.

[marcel]

My guess is that the OP, allthough she may not realize this, is asking a very difficult question. The secret of the great cupcakes is not so much the recipe, but the method used. If she does not use exactly the same method and materials as the person whose recipe she asked for, then she will not get the same result, while the result she wants can probably be achieved with different cupcake recipes.
The prson whose recipe this is probably knows this, and she knows that if she gives her recipe to the OP, then the results will most likely not be the same. This gives her the problem, that she probably wants to say yes, but she knowes that the result will not be satisfactory, which might cause friction in the friendship, or she says no, and even though OP has said that she will accept no for an answer, most people that get no for an answer do feel slighted, no matter what they say, so saying no might also cause friction in the friendhip.
This leaves the person with the problem that she doesn't know which answer to give, because either answer might cause friction (maybe has caused problems with friends in the past) in the end she simply could not answer at all, so she didn't answer.

I agree. The friend could have made it clear even if she didn't want to say no, by responding and completely ignoring the question. Giving someone the silent treatment is hurtful and, I believe in this case, completely unnecessary.

The OP hasn't been given the silent treatment, the silent treatment is that all e-mail from the OP goes unanswered. In this case only the 1 question that makes this person feel uncomfortable has not been answered,

[CluelessBride]

I actually do think there is something wrong with *asking* other people for their recipes and then refusing to share any of your own.*  To me it just seems selfish and entitled and greedy to expect information to flow one way.  Like asking someone for a favor, full well knowing you would refuse to do them any favors if the situation was reversed, kwim?  If it was one specific recipe the hypothetical person didn't want to share, I wouldn't really have a problem with it - but refusing to share *all* recipes while asking others to share just doesn't feel right to me.

But life isn't black and white.  There are nuances.  "Can I have that recipe you copied off the back of Granny's Old-Fashioned Cream of Mushroom Soup" is not the same request as "Can I have the recipe for your signature cupcakes."

<snip>

Oh, I totally agree that you can be willing to share *some* recipes (or phone numbers) but not all.   That part of my post was mostly in response to another post where someone basically said that regardless of whether or not the OP shared recipes her Friend could decide to not share *any* recipes.  And I think even the levels need to be even-ish too.  It's not okay to ask someone for their hard-developed recipe if you are only willing to share ones that you got off cereal boxes.  (Disclaimer: as I said in my previous post, I'm speaking more in general here inspired by the OP's situation - I don't know the details of the OP and her friend's recipe sharing relationship)

In this particular situation, the OP was asking for a recipe that is supposedly from a published cookbook.  Sure, maybe it was altered.  But the OP doesn't know that.  It would be like asking you for the phone number of Little Mom and Pop store - which I knew you had and could reasonably assume was publicly available - only in actuality its your mother's store and the number is her cell.

All in all, I still think asking is okay as long as its not demanding - especially if you are asking someone who has asked you for recipes.  Because that would lead me to believe that they were interested in exchanging recipes.

[Dindrane]

I would never, ever say "Joe, can you give me the cell phone and home phone numbers for the chairman, chief pilot and CEO of the Trans Global Air Lines?"  Even though I know he had those numbers in his wallet.  Obtaining them was the fruit of many years of source cultivation and rel@tionship building, and they were not to be shared or used lightly.  We all have similar information in our respective contact files and even among friends and co-workers of long standing, it's just understood that you don't share it and you don't put someone on the spot by even making the request in the first place.  In fact, asking for the information is such a faux pas in the first place that pretending not to hear it, as the OP's friend is doing with the cupcake recipe, is probably the most kind and polite response!  

This makes absolutely perfect sense in the context of your analogy, because it truly is privileged information, and nearly everyone would (or should) see that without needing it explained.  It's a pretty commonly accepted fact that unpublished numbers are private information, and should not be shared without the owners' explicit permission.

But even though I agree completely that there is a difference between a recipe off the back of a currently available food product and a person's signature recipe developed after some amount of effort (even if it was inspired by a readily available published recipe), I do think there is a bit of a difference between this situation and your analogy with the phone numbers.

The difference is in the fact that there are just as many people in this world who view recipes as "share and share alike" as there are people who view recipes as proprietary.  Neither view is so universal as to make the other unusual or wrong.  It would be just as silly for me to assume that someone wouldn't want to share a recipe as it would be for me to assume that someone would, unless I had information that indicated one response was more plausible than the other.

From what CoffeeKat has said about the situation, I don't think it's fair to say she had more information that indicated her friend wouldn't share the recipe than she had indicating that her friend would.  She had one piece of information indicating her friend might want to keep it to herself: the fact that she beandipped a casual acquaintance.  But she had a lot more information indicating her friend might be willing to share: the closeness of their friendship, their distance from each other, the fact that her friend had asked CoffeeKat to share recipes, and the fact that CoffeeKat had never actually asked for the recipe before.

Given that, I really can't see how the question itself was rude, especially since CoffeeKat did make it clear that she was perfectly willing to accept "no" as an answer.

[marcel]

Just a question for the OP, has she ever refused to share other recipes?

[CluelessBride]

I agree. The friend could have made it clear even if she didn't want to say no, by responding and completely ignoring the question. Giving someone the silent treatment is hurtful and, I believe in this case, completely unnecessary.

The OP hasn't been given the silent treatment, the silent treatment is that all e-mail from the OP goes unanswered. In this case only the 1 question that makes this person feel uncomfortable has not been answered,

My understanding is that while Friend has responded to *other* emails/online messages etc. Friend has *not* responded to the email itself at all.  Which puts the OP into the awkward situation of wondering if its been received or if she is being ignored.  

[Miss Understood]

If were the OP's friend, I would probably be trying to figure out what to say too.  Apparently these cupcakes are famous within the OP's social circle, and several members of that circle have hinted that they would like the recipe, to no avail.  The friend may be remembering that and thinking that she'd like to share with OP, but is afraid to offend those who had already been refused the same thing and who would no doubt notice the "famous cupcakes" re-appearing at social events.  She may well be feeling that she is going to offend someone no matter what she answers.  This is why I think the OP should have taken the previous "coyness" as a hint not to ask, as it puts her friend in an awkward position.

[Katelyn]

Just a question for the OP, has she ever refused to share other recipes?

No, I have always been quite happy to share.

And have very gracefully taken no as an answer several times before.  Though the person saying no is usually kind enough to offer a reason.  Mostly the reasons are family secret.  One was because she didn't want it ever to find its way back to her MIL and the only way to be sure was to never give it out.

[marcel]

I meant this specific friend.

[DottyG]

Just a question for the OP, has she ever refused to share other recipes?

No, I have always been quite happy to share.

And have very gracefully taken no as an answer several times before.  Though the person saying no is usually kind enough to offer a reason.  Mostly the reasons are family secret.  One was because she didn't want it ever to find its way back to her MIL and the only way to be sure was to never give it out.

I don't think you understood the question Marcel was asking.

[Katelyn]

Just a question for the OP, has she ever refused to share other recipes?

No, I have always been quite happy to share.

And have very gracefully taken no as an answer several times before.  Though the person saying no is usually kind enough to offer a reason.  Mostly the reasons are family secret.  One was because she didn't want it ever to find its way back to her MIL and the only way to be sure was to never give it out.

I don't think you understood the question Marcel was asking.

Sorry.  Not that I know.  I have not asked her for any other recipes and do not know if others have asked her for recipes and been outright refused.

[DottyG]

Just a question for the OP, has she ever refused to share other recipes?

No, I have always been quite happy to share.

And have very gracefully taken no as an answer several times before.  Though the person saying no is usually kind enough to offer a reason.  Mostly the reasons are family secret.  One was because she didn't want it ever to find its way back to her MIL and the only way to be sure was to never give it out.

I don't think you understood the question Marcel was asking.

Sorry.  Not that I know.  I have not asked her for any other recipes and do not know if others have asked her for recipes and been outright refused.

Is she generous in other ways?  Do you like her as a friend for reasons other than her cupcakes?

[stargazer]

Just a question for the OP, has she ever refused to share other recipes?

No, I have always been quite happy to share.

And have very gracefully taken no as an answer several times before.  Though the person saying no is usually kind enough to offer a reason.  Mostly the reasons are family secret.  One was because she didn't want it ever to find its way back to her MIL and the only way to be sure was to never give it out.

I don't think you understood the question Marcel was asking.

Sorry.  Not that I know.  I have not asked her for any other recipes and do not know if others have asked her for recipes and been outright refused.

Is she generous in other ways?  Do you like her as a friend for reasons other than her cupcakes?

Dotty, maybe you don't mean it this way, but I found your last question rather snarky.   This thread is about her cupcakes and the lack of response but there is nothing to suggest she liked her for ONLY her cupcakes.  Otherwise she could have phrased it as "this person I know".