Silence after sending friend an email

[katarain]

I think I'd call her and ask her straight out.  Or at the very least send an email to an address other than facebook.  But I'd probably call.  I'd let her know in the course of the conversation that a no was really okay, but not having an answer was driving me batty.

[Queen of Clubs]

Monitoring her Facebook usage and making judgments about it?  

Not monitoring in the sense that I am checking up on her.  The updates are there when I am on facebook for myself, and reading the updates and entries for other friends.  And as facebook email is the way we have primarily communicated when not in person, this is where I would be checking for a reply.

Yeah, I play on Facebook too, and there are stacks of updates on what games everyone's playing.  You don't need to monitor someone's activities to notice they've been playing Farmville, Farm Town or Yoville etc.

CoffeeKat, I think you were fine to ask your friend if she'd share that recipe.  First of all, you've shared plenty of recipes with her at her request; secondly, it was originally out of a published recipe book - so if your friend didn't want to share her tweaking, she could have directed you to the book itself; and thirdly, you made it clear you would take no for an answer.

I agree with the PPs who have said this isn't about the recipe itself, it's about a friend ignoring you and not reciprocating a favour (or even giving you a "no, that won't be possible").

I hope you hear back soon.

Edited to fix a mangled sentence.

[yogabuddha]

My mother-in-law was a fabulous baker.  She made the best mandel bread ever.  And so many other tasty treats.  Whenever we visited, she made a whole batch of mandel bread just for me, because she knew it was my favorite :-).  If I had ever asked for one of her recipes, I am sure she would have happily shared it with me along with any tips she could think of.  She probably would have dragged me into her kitchen and helped me make it, just to make sure I had it right.  And of course, now that she is no longer here, I wish I had asked and paid more attention.   She was a great cook too, and we often make some of her dinner recipes that are of course now named after her - like Grandma's ribs, Grandma's chicken wings, etc.  It's a really nice way to remember her with our kids.  So personally, I don't get why anyone wouldn't share a recipe.

And personally, I would be hurt if I asked a good friend for a recipe, and she wouldn't share without offering at least some explanation.  Secret recipes are OK for Coca Cola, but not between friends (at least in my opinion).

But in this case, I definitely agree that the poster should be sure her friend received the email before assuming she doesn't want to share.  And maybe there is an explanation - perhaps she has been making the cupcakes so long that she just guestimates some of the ingredients, and doesn't really have specific measurements?

Of course, with all the tips offered here, I'm sure the OP will be able to come up with her own awesome cupcake recipe.  But Grandma's mandel bread may never be recreated!

[baglady]

Inquiring minds wanna know: What is mandel bread? Not hinting for a recipe here; I've just never heard of it and am curious to know what it is.

[marcel]

I don't know what mandel bread is, but I can tell you that mandels are almonds

[Kiara]

After a quick search, it appears to be something like biscotti.

[marcel]

I did the quick search as well, and also found it to be something like biscotti, which does contain almonds.

This Jewish mandelbrot recipe isn't suitable for Passover because flour is used, but it's delicious any other time of the year. Mandelbrot is Yiddish for almond bread and is actually a twice-baked cookie loved by Askenazi (Eastern European) Jews.

Mandelbrot originated either from Italian biscotti or the Sephardic biscochadas dulces. Mandelbrot keeps and freezes well. The essential ingredient -- almonds -- has a symbolic significance since it is mentioned 73 times in the Bible.

from
http://easteuropeanfood.about.com/od/crossculturaldesserts/r/mandelbrot.htm

[miranova]

I can actually imagine a scenario in which the OP's friend might be offended to NOT be asked. 

For instance, if my ex husband asked for a $20 loan today, I'd tell him to take a flying leap off a cliff.  If my best friend, a single mother of three who works 3 jobs asked for a $20 loan, I'd give her $100 and tell her to never pay it back.  If she were afraid to ask because she heard me tell my ex no, I'd be disappointed.  OF COURSE I'd be willing to do more for my best friend than my ex.  It is not at all out of line to feel like one's friendship might rate a favor that an acquaintance wouldn't.

From the silence it seems that she doesn't give it out to anyone.  Fine.  That does not get her out of the simple polite response of saying "I don't give that out, sorry".  How hard is that?  Give me a break.

[Miss Understood]

I can actually imagine a scenario in which the OP's friend might be offended to NOT be asked. 

For instance, if my ex husband asked for a $20 loan today, I'd tell him to take a flying leap off a cliff.  If my best friend, a single mother of three who works 3 jobs asked for a $20 loan, I'd give her $100 and tell her to never pay it back.  If she were afraid to ask because she heard me tell my ex no, I'd be disappointed.  OF COURSE I'd be willing to do more for my best friend than my ex.  It is not at all out of line to feel like one's friendship might rate a favor that an acquaintance wouldn't.

From the silence it seems that she doesn't give it out to anyone.  Fine.  That does not get her out of the simple polite response of saying "I don't give that out, sorry".  How hard is that?  Give me a break.

Because she might feel uncomfortable saying no to a friend and hopes she will just let it go.  Because she has already refused to share the recipe within their social circle (which we know from the OP's OP and updates) and may feel that if the magical cupcakes start showing up again within that circle, the people she didn't share the recipe with before will feel snubbed.  Because she doesn't think the OP is a skilled baker and might mess up the recipe if she had it.  There are so many possibilities, but the salient point for me is whether a cupcake recipe (!) is really something on which to base a friendship.  If the Cupcake Master is a close friend, then she's a close friend.  If she's not, and the only reason for contacting her is this incredible recipe, then I would say she was not really a good friend in the OP's eyes in the first place. 

[MariaE]

Because she might feel uncomfortable saying no to a friend and hopes she will just let it go.

Doesn't make it rude to ask, and doesn't make it not-rude to ignore the question (assuming that is indeed what she's doing)

Because she has already refused to share the recipe within their social circle (which we know from the OP's OP and updates)

No, she has refused to share the recipe with somebody on the outskirts of their social circle - or who may not even be in it, but just showed up at that one event.

and may feel that if the magical cupcakes start showing up again within that circle, the people she didn't share the recipe with before will feel snubbed.  Because she doesn't think the OP is a skilled baker and might mess up the recipe if she had it. 

Good reasons to say no, not good reasons to ignore the request (same disclaimer as above).

If the OP's friend is ignoring her, then she's rude to do so - no matter the reasons she might have for ignoring her. And honestly, if the OP is used to her friend responding in a timely fashion, then I can understand why she would feel ignored. If it's common for her to go weeks before replying, then not so much.

The OP asked once and then restated the question in an e-mail to another address in case the first hadn't gone through. So far she's done nothing etiquette wouldn't condone. I'm really sad to see people suspecting her of only being friends with the other person because of her cupcakes. As she's stated time and again she's not upset that she didn't get the recipe (from my understanding she'd have been disappointed but resigned if the friend had replied no), but she is upset that she's being ignored. I would be too.

[Miss Unleaded]

OP, add me to the list of persons who believe you were not rude. From the information given, I don't think you were wrong to email her twice.  If she is, in fact, ignoring you then I think she's the rude one here.

I think your plan to let things lie for a while and send her a breezy email in a month or so is a good one.  I hope it all works out for the best.

[miranova]

I can actually imagine a scenario in which the OP's friend might be offended to NOT be asked. 

For instance, if my ex husband asked for a $20 loan today, I'd tell him to take a flying leap off a cliff.  If my best friend, a single mother of three who works 3 jobs asked for a $20 loan, I'd give her $100 and tell her to never pay it back.  If she were afraid to ask because she heard me tell my ex no, I'd be disappointed.  OF COURSE I'd be willing to do more for my best friend than my ex.  It is not at all out of line to feel like one's friendship might rate a favor that an acquaintance wouldn't.

From the silence it seems that she doesn't give it out to anyone.  Fine.  That does not get her out of the simple polite response of saying "I don't give that out, sorry".  How hard is that?  Give me a break.

Because she might feel uncomfortable saying no to a friend 

That's a weak excuse when the OP gave her the perfect opening to say no.  When the OP actually wrote "I understand if you don't want to give it out" it is extremely easy to just write back and say, actually, you are right, I don't give it out.  Nothing could be easier. 

People are still making this about the recipe when it's not.  It's about the hurt from being ignored.

[Aeris]

I can actually imagine a scenario in which the OP's friend might be offended to NOT be asked. 

For instance, if my ex husband asked for a $20 loan today, I'd tell him to take a flying leap off a cliff.  If my best friend, a single mother of three who works 3 jobs asked for a $20 loan, I'd give her $100 and tell her to never pay it back.  If she were afraid to ask because she heard me tell my ex no, I'd be disappointed.  OF COURSE I'd be willing to do more for my best friend than my ex.  It is not at all out of line to feel like one's friendship might rate a favor that an acquaintance wouldn't.

From the silence it seems that she doesn't give it out to anyone.  Fine.  That does not get her out of the simple polite response of saying "I don't give that out, sorry".  How hard is that?  Give me a break.

Because she might feel uncomfortable saying no to a friend and hopes she will just let it go. 

Perhaps, but that doesn't mean ignoring someone in this circumstance is in any way remotely polite.

Because she has already refused to share the recipe within their social circle (which we know from the OP's OP and updates)

The OP indicated that the only actual request was from a near stranger - not, it seems "within their social circle". Additionally, vaguely sidestepping in a public arena is not at all the same thing as "refusing to share".

and may feel that if the magical cupcakes start showing up again within that circle, the people she didn't share the recipe with before will feel snubbed.

This has no bearing on the question of ignoring the OP, only the question of not sharing the recipe.

Because she doesn't think the OP is a skilled baker and might mess up the recipe if she had it.

This has no bearing on the question of ignoring the OP, only the question of not sharing the recipe.

There are so many possibilities,

Actually, there aren't. The only possible valid justification for ignoring the OP, no matter what the answer to the question is, is based on the idea that the OP should have known not to ask in the first place. Which I maintain is not at all clear from the context.

but the salient point for me is whether a cupcake recipe (!) is really something on which to base a friendship.  If the Cupcake Master is a close friend, then she's a close friend.  If she's not, and the only reason for contacting her is this incredible recipe, then I would say she was not really a good friend in the OP's eyes in the first place. 

You're missing the point. The OP is not nearly as upset about the cupcake recipe as she is about two more abstract concepts: 1) do you respect me enough as a friend to NOT ignore me and 2) do you see our relationship as a reciprocal one of sharing.

Completely ignoring someone's email, when you've had a history of relatively speedy communication before, is pretty dang rude and hurtful. Refusing to reciprocate sharing may be a signal the friend is not as close as the OP thought she was - which is painful.

All of these implications that the OP only values her for her cupcakes are just bizarre. It's normal in a friendship to expect that your friends treat you respectfully, and that there be a reciprocal relationship of giving and sharing. Signals to the contrary on either of these points are damaging.

[Twik]

I don't know what mandel bread is, but I can tell you that mandels are almonds

So the well-known comic is actually Howie Almond?

[ydpubs]

I don't know what mandel bread is, but I can tell you that mandels are almonds

So the well-known comic is actually Howie Almond?

AHAHA!! I was thinking of Howie when the bread was mentioned.