Silence after sending friend an email

[Scritzy]

I don't know what mandel bread is, but I can tell you that mandels are almonds

So the well-known comic is actually Howie Almond?

Oooooooooooooh, bad! But really funny!

[familyfun]

You are not rude for asking.  But, considering this is facebook, and all the reasons for a legitimate non-response, I'm not willing to declare your friend rude either.  This (the overall thread, not just the OP) seems like much ado about nothing to me at this point.  YMMV, IMHO, so forth, and so forth.

I agree, neither one is really in the rude here.  Etiquette doesn't say we have to directly answer questions.  Isn't that what bean dipping is all about?  The Cupcake Master has made comments on the OP's wall, etc. So it doesn't seem like she's giving her the silent treatment.  If she was, she wouldn't say anything.  For all we know, maybe the refusal to give a recipe has been a touchy topic in the past so she's just sidestepping it.  Personally, I would use the 2nd request where the OP says it's ok if she prefers not to give it to say something like "thanks for understanding" but there could be reasons or preferences why she's not doing so. That makes her different from some of us, but not rude.

I have a relative who has no respect for the boundaries of others.  One example is her friend we'll call Debbie.  Debbie suffers from depression.  This relative organized Project Debbie where she emailed a group of about 20 people, most of whom didn't know Debbie very well and informed them Debbie's depression was getting worse.  And even though some of it was her own doing (believe me, I can't believe she said something so stupid either), we should all write cards to Debbie to cheer her up.  Then gave Debbie's mailing addressed to the entire list, most of whom didn't have it.  It was wrong on soooo many different levels.  This relative recently joined Facebook.   I ignored her friend request and blocked her.  Due to her disrespect for boundaries, I don't want her to have access to my profile or to be able to write on my wall.  She once attended a work related function with me when a professional organization held a conference in a city where another of our relatives lives.  When I greeted a male former co-worker and chatted with him a bit, she told my boss "looks like familyfun's getting lucky tonight".  There is no way in the world she's getting access to my wall.   If I call her on her behavior she gets offended and refuses to speak to me.  Which makes it awkward for other relatives.  So whenever she's brought up Facebook, I bean dip. 

Now I'm not saying the OP did anything wrong or would react unreasonably to being told no because there's nothing here to indicate that.  But for whatever reason, the friend doesn't feel comfortable with a direct no.  Given the friend's been a good one in other ways such as making the cookies and bringing them by with newborn items when the OP's 2nd child was born, I'd let it go and focus on the good parts of the friendship.  We all have our little quirks.  I would chalk this up to quirk rather than rudeness or snub.

[Dindrane]

I don't think ignoring an entire email that included a direct request for information, while still being socially active otherwise, is even remotely the same thing as bean dip.

Bean dip would be answering the email and saying, "I don't really like to give that recipe out. [answers to the rest of the questions in the email, recipe never mentioned again]."

You can't deflect a comment that you haven't acknowledged, and bean dipping's only purpose is deflecting inquiries away from a particular subject.  If a question or comment is so heinous as to be unanswerable, you're not bean dipping at all - you're just ignoring it.

But I completely fail to see how a polite request for a recipe for the first time from a close friend is so heinous as to merit no response of any kind whatsoever, not even a curt, "no."

[Aeris]

I don't think ignoring an entire email that included a direct request for information, while still being socially active otherwise, is even remotely the same thing as bean dip.

Bean dip would be answering the email and saying, "I don't really like to give that recipe out. [answers to the rest of the questions in the email, recipe never mentioned again]."

You can't deflect a comment that you haven't acknowledged, and bean dipping's only purpose is deflecting inquiries away from a particular subject.  If a question or comment is so heinous as to be unanswerable, you're not bean dipping at all - you're just ignoring it.

But I completely fail to see how a polite request for a recipe for the first time from a close friend is so heinous as to merit no response of any kind whatsoever, not even a curt, "no."

10000% POD.

[familyfun]

I don't think ignoring an entire email that included a direct request for information, while still being socially active otherwise, is even remotely the same thing as bean dip.

Bean dip would be answering the email and saying, "I don't really like to give that recipe out. [answers to the rest of the questions in the email, recipe never mentioned again]."

You can't deflect a comment that you haven't acknowledged, and bean dipping's only purpose is deflecting inquiries away from a particular subject.  If a question or comment is so heinous as to be unanswerable, you're not bean dipping at all - you're just ignoring it.

But I completely fail to see how a polite request for a recipe for the first time from a close friend is so heinous as to merit no response of any kind whatsoever, not even a curt, "no."

Well, maybe not bean dip, but perhaps the "not every comment/question merits a response".  At New Year's Day dinner, a toxic aunt who is on the outs with her daughter because she stood up to Aunt Toxic's meltdowns was trashing her and her son in law to another aunt who's missing the brain to filter function.  They turned to me for agreement with their comments so I said I was going to see what so & so (relative in another room) was doing.  Then I escaped and watched a Honeymooner's marathon with other relatives who were trying to avoid the 2 of them.  I didn't directly answer them because saying what I really thought would have caused conflict.  And I wasn't going to trash my cousin & her H.  I didn't answer a direct comment addressed to me and I excused myself from the room.  

Again, I'm not comparing the OP's innocent request for a recipe to the cousin bashing, but for whatever reason it's clear the friend either doesn't want to answer or feels uncomfortable.  Perhaps others have been difficult over recipes in the past.  But she's only ignoring the communication re: the recipe, not the poster herself.  From the OP (post no. 1), bolding by me for emphasis:

I emailed her and asked if she would mind sharing the recipe so that I could make her amazing cupcakes for my daughter's birthday early next year.  So far, no response to my email.  She has commented on a few other posts on my facebook page so I am under no illusion that she has accidentally fallen off the edge of the earth  

I would hardly characterize that as the silent treatment or ignoring the OP.  She's just sidestepping the cupcake question.  I agree a direct answer would be best.  But sidestepping it really doesn't make her rude, just quirky IMO.  She is commenting on her posts, so she can't really said to be ignoring the OP or giving her the silent treatment.  She's just ignoring the cupcake question.  Personally, I'll give my recipes to any one who asks for them.  But I realize not everyone feels the same and it's an issue for some people.  If I asked and the person didn't respond, I'd write it off as a quirk and let it go.  But that's just me.  As has been said YMMV.

[Aeris]

I don't think ignoring an entire email that included a direct request for information, while still being socially active otherwise, is even remotely the same thing as bean dip.

Bean dip would be answering the email and saying, "I don't really like to give that recipe out. [answers to the rest of the questions in the email, recipe never mentioned again]."

You can't deflect a comment that you haven't acknowledged, and bean dipping's only purpose is deflecting inquiries away from a particular subject.  If a question or comment is so heinous as to be unanswerable, you're not bean dipping at all - you're just ignoring it.

But I completely fail to see how a polite request for a recipe for the first time from a close friend is so heinous as to merit no response of any kind whatsoever, not even a curt, "no."

Well, maybe not bean dip, but perhaps the "not every comment/question merits a response".  At New Year's Day dinner, a toxic aunt who is on the outs with her daughter because she stood up to Aunt Toxic's meltdowns was trashing her and her son in law to another aunt who's missing the brain to filter function.  They turned to me for agreement with their comments so I said I was going to see what so & so (relative in another room) was doing.  Then I escaped and watched a Honeymooner's marathon with other relatives who were trying to avoid the 2 of them.  I didn't directly answer them because saying what I really thought would have caused conflict.  And I wasn't going to trash my cousin & her H.  I didn't answer a direct comment addressed to me and I excused myself from the room.  

Again, I'm not comparing the OP's innocent request for a recipe to the cousin bashing, but for whatever reason it's clear the friend either doesn't want to answer or feels uncomfortable.  Perhaps others have been difficult over recipes in the past.  But she's only ignoring the communication re: the recipe, not the poster herself.  From the OP (post no. 1), bolding by me for emphasis:

I emailed her and asked if she would mind sharing the recipe so that I could make her amazing cupcakes for my daughter's birthday early next year.  So far, no response to my email.  She has commented on a few other posts on my facebook page so I am under no illusion that she has accidentally fallen off the edge of the earth  

I would hardly characterize that as the silent treatment or ignoring the OP.  She's just sidestepping the cupcake question.  I agree a direct answer would be best.  But sidestepping it really doesn't make her rude, just quirky IMO.  She is commenting on her posts, so she can't really said to be ignoring the OP or giving her the silent treatment.  She's just ignoring the cupcake question.  Personally, I'll give my recipes to any one who asks for them.  But I realize not everyone feels the same and it's an issue for some people.  If I asked and the person didn't respond, I'd write it off as a quirk and let it go.  But that's just me.  As has been said YMMV.

I couldn't disagree more that it's not rude, and just 'quirky'. Ignoring a direct request that is itself neither rude nor toxic, is absolutely rude, in all circumstances I can imagine.

If I'm sitting having a conversation about llamas with my friend, and I ask her if she's read Martha's Guide to Llama Raising, and she looks away, doesn't answer, and then says how much she enjoys Gary's photos of llamas, that's rude and weird and awkward and hurtful. It is not socially acceptable to pretend someone hasn't spoken, unless there are rather extreme circumstances - which would include extremely rude, impertinent and over the line questions.

It is not a mere 'quirk' to selectively ignore completely normal questions from friends, and pretend they had not spoken. There's no way this isn't rude.

Every example you give is an example of extremely rude, impertinent, or toxic questions/comments, which are a completely and totally different category.

[Hanna]

I agree with FamilyFun.

It's all the more compelling to sidestep it because the intention of the email was to get the cupcake recipe and the other stuff was just added in for fluff.
We all do this at times.  I did it this week with a friend that helped me recently with a computer issue  "Hey - How are you?  Did you do anyting fun for NYE? Any idea why my sound isn't working on my laptop since that last re-install you did?"  Later I wrote "Hey, Found the driver wasn't loaded.  Loaded it now and am good to go."  He's never responded to either email - I got what I wanted and he knew I wasn't writing to start a long-drawn out email conversation.  I am far from annoyed by the lack of response.

And in the case of asking for a favor that the other person may not want to do, no response is very much a response.  If the OP didn't have some sense that the lack of response was directly related to her friend's unwillingnesss to divulge the recipe, I suspect this thread wouldn't exist at all.

On a side note, when I ask someone a favor and they don't want to do it, I *very much* appreciate receiving no response at all to a direct "No."  It just doesn't smart as much and I prefer to maintain the polite fiction that they did "hear" me rather than thinking I overstepping a boundary and made them uncomfortable.
Perhaps because I do not personally enjoy telling anyone no about anything.

[Scuba_Dog]

I would hardly characterize that as the silent treatment or ignoring the OP.  She's just sidestepping the cupcake question.  I agree a direct answer would be best.  But sidestepping it really doesn't make her rude, just quirky IMO.  She is commenting on her posts, so she can't really said to be ignoring the OP or giving her the silent treatment.  She's just ignoring the cupcake question.  Personally, I'll give my recipes to any one who asks for them.  But I realize not everyone feels the same and it's an issue for some people.  If I asked and the person didn't respond, I'd write it off as a quirk and let it go.  But that's just me.  As has been said YMMV.

Well said.  I think you are spot on with this!  I agree 100%!

[Two Ravens]

On a side note, when I ask someone a favor and they don't want to do it, I *very much* appreciate receiving no response at all to a direct "No."  It just doesn't smart as much and I prefer to maintain the polite fiction that they did "hear" me rather than thinking I overstepping a boundary and made them uncomfortable.
Perhaps because I do not personally enjoy telling anyone no about anything.

This may be true for you, but you should consider by some of the responses to this thread, that many other people will be much more insulted by being ignored than by a direct "no."

[Aeris]

I'm surprised so many people think it's perfectly acceptable to just ignore the email.

If a poster came here and said "My best friend just emailed me asking if I might be able to pick up her mail while she's on vacation next week. I really don't want to, but don't know how to say it. (And incidentally, my friend has catsit for me while I'm on vacation in the past.) Can I just ignore the email and pretend it never happened?" would you tell this hypothetical poster that they were perfectly polite to do so?

[Hanna]

I'm surprised so many people think it's perfectly acceptable to just ignore the email.

If a poster came here and said "My best friend just emailed me asking if I might be able to pick up her mail while she's on vacation next week. I really don't want to, but don't know how to say it. (And incidentally, my friend has catsit for me while I'm on vacation in the past.) Can I just ignore the email and pretend it never happened?" would you tell this hypothetical poster that they were perfectly polite to do so?

More like:
"A woman in one of my social groups asked me if she could borrow my mink coat .  They've been around me enough to know that I don't loan this particular coat out. She has let me borrow a wool pullover once.  I've side-stepped the question a number of times in her presence and am always coy when people talk about how great it would look with their favorite dress.  I feel shocked that she would ask, and very put on the spot.  Do I have to respond?"

I would say Nope.  An email - like an invitation - is not a summons.   

[Dindrane]

I'm surprised so many people think it's perfectly acceptable to just ignore the email.

If a poster came here and said "My best friend just emailed me asking if I might be able to pick up her mail while she's on vacation next week. I really don't want to, but don't know how to say it. (And incidentally, my friend has catsit for me while I'm on vacation in the past.) Can I just ignore the email and pretend it never happened?" would you tell this hypothetical poster that they were perfectly polite to do so?

I am rather surprised as well, and I don't think that would be the answer at all were we hearing the flip side of this type of scenario.

The thing is, answering a direct inquiry with silence is a part of the Nuclear Warhead category of etiquette - the Cut Direct is simply the most powerful in that particular category.  Polite people do not use these methods unless they are so offended they are willing to almost completely (or truly completely) cut ties and social intercourse with the person they use them on.

So yes, there are lots and lots of situations where ignoring a direct inquiry is completely appropriate, polite, and the smart thing to do.  But I have yet to see any good reason as to why this situation is one of those.

[Starchasm]

I'm surprised so many people think it's perfectly acceptable to just ignore the email.

If a poster came here and said "My best friend just emailed me asking if I might be able to pick up her mail while she's on vacation next week. I really don't want to, but don't know how to say it. (And incidentally, my friend has catsit for me while I'm on vacation in the past.) Can I just ignore the email and pretend it never happened?" would you tell this hypothetical poster that they were perfectly polite to do so?

More like:
"A woman in one of my social groups asked me if she could borrow my mink coat .  They've been around me enough to know that I don't loan this particular coat out. She has let me borrow a wool pullover once.  I've side-stepped the question a number of times in her presence and am always coy when people talk about how great it would look with their favorite dress.  I feel shocked that she would ask, and very put on the spot.  Do I have to respond?"

I would say Nope.  An email - like an invitation - is not a summons.   

Really?  I would say that you should send a simple, "I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable lending my coat.  Thanks for understanding." Although I don't think a coat that costs several thousand dollars is the same thing at all as a recipe from a publication, I would say the same for anyone who was asked any direct question from a good friend.  You don't have to actually DO what is requested (which would be "answering the summons") but you do have to respond.

I can't imagine a situation where it would be okay to just not respond at all to a polite request from a friend.

[Aeris]

I'm surprised so many people think it's perfectly acceptable to just ignore the email.

If a poster came here and said "My best friend just emailed me asking if I might be able to pick up her mail while she's on vacation next week. I really don't want to, but don't know how to say it. (And incidentally, my friend has catsit for me while I'm on vacation in the past.) Can I just ignore the email and pretend it never happened?" would you tell this hypothetical poster that they were perfectly polite to do so?

More like:
"A woman in one of my social groups asked me if she could borrow my mink coat .  They've been around me enough to know that I don't loan this particular coat out. She has let me borrow a wool pullover once.  I've side-stepped the question a number of times in her presence and am always coy when people talk about how great it would look with their favorite dress.  I feel shocked that she would ask, and very put on the spot.  Do I have to respond?"

I would say Nope.  An email - like an invitation - is not a summons.   

It's certainly not a summons, but an invitation absolutely requires an RSVP - even a negative one.

I think your analogy disingenuous, as it presumes the obviousness of the inappropriateness of the request.

Perhaps closer to the mark: "A fried asked me if she could borrow my favorite black coat.  This coat is extremely dear to me, and has extra special personal meaning.  Fact is, I don't loan this particular coat out. She has let me borrow a few of her jackets, but I don't think any of them had the same super special meaning to her as my favorite black coat does to me.  One or two people have hinted that they'd like to borrow the coat before, and I've never given a straight answer.  I feel shocked that she would ask, surely she must know how super special this most favorite coat is to me! I feel very put on the spot.  Do I have to respond?"

I would think the response would generally be "Yes, you need to respond. Your friend probably doesn't realize your favorite black coat is super special to you, and that you can't imagine lending it out. Ignoring her request completely, as if she had not spoken, would not be polite. You cannot expect your friend to be a mind-reader. Tell her no, and feel free to ignore any future requests."

[Two Ravens]

I'm surprised so many people think it's perfectly acceptable to just ignore the email.

If a poster came here and said "My best friend just emailed me asking if I might be able to pick up her mail while she's on vacation next week. I really don't want to, but don't know how to say it. (And incidentally, my friend has catsit for me while I'm on vacation in the past.) Can I just ignore the email and pretend it never happened?" would you tell this hypothetical poster that they were perfectly polite to do so?

More like:
"A woman in one of my social groups asked me if she could borrow my mink coat .  They've been around me enough to know that I don't loan this particular coat out. She has let me borrow a wool pullover once.  I've side-stepped the question a number of times in her presence and am always coy when people talk about how great it would look with their favorite dress.  I feel shocked that she would ask, and very put on the spot.  Do I have to respond?"

I would say Nope.  An email - like an invitation - is not a summons.  

Its not "just an email," its a direct question from a supposed good friend.  And you can't even be bothered to respond to her?

I am not much for "polite fictions," myself.  If you think someone has overstepped a boundry and are going to be "shocked" about it, perhaps it is your duty to tell them.  At least so they don't keep asking you.