Silence after sending friend an email

[Katelyn]

I do realise this little tale of woe will have me sounding a little like a fruitcake but here goes.

My friend has recently moved two states away and taken her cupcake recipe with her.  Ordinarily not a drama but you need to understand that these cupcakes were INCREDIBLE.  They melt in your mouth they are so light fluffy and moist.  They easily beat any cupcake I have been thrilled to find at those cosy upmarket coffee shops. She was coy when anyone mentioned her possibly sharing the recipe, saying it was one from a well known cook book author.  

I kid you not, these cupcakes have ruined me for ordinarily otherwise great cupcakes.  There is no happy in going back.

Here's the thing.  As she is now so far away I no longer have access to the cupcake goodness, nor do any of our friends so I was hoping she might be happy to share the recipe.   Her cupcake thunder cannot be stolen when she is not here - can it?  I emailed her and asked if she would mind sharing the recipe so that I could make her amazing cupcakes for my daughter's birthday early next year.  So far, no response to my email.  She has commented on a few other posts on my facebook page so I am under no illusion that she has accidentally fallen off the edge of the earth  

I should probably get to the etiquette questions.  

*  How should I feel about the complete lack of a response after a month to an email?  Obviously I can't email her again about it.  Yes, I am feeling a little cupcake crazy.
*  Is it just a little ridiculous not to share a great recipe with close friends that apparently is a publicly available recipe anyway?
*  I feel awkward now with this friend.  Should I just pretend the request never happened?
*  Do people normally keep recipes so secret?  Have I committed some sort of huge sin by even asking?

I have never been possessive with my recipes, often scribbling them out for people on demand, and frequently these are ones that I have developed and tweaked for myself.  They are for cooking though, not baking.  I unfortunately am relatively new to baking and until a couple of weeks ago have never baked a cupcake.  I am in my early 30s.  Yes, I know, it's sad

I have made 5 batches of cupcakes this last couple of weeks, all from different recipes from different famous authors of baking books.  Alas, they are ordinary, and I am not convinced that is completely due to my baking newbie status.  Please please please in addition to helping me with my quirky etiquette dilemma can anyone direct me to the best ever cupcake recipe they know?

(I apologise to all those who now, due to the power of suggestion, now feel compelled to find themselves a cupcake  ).

[CutebutPsycho]

Well... have you considered that she may be silent because her recipe includes "remove the dry ingredients from the box"?

I have a "special" chocolate cake that I make and everybody RAVES about it... it comes from a mix from the grocery store. (with some modifications... that also come in a box from the grocery store.) I tease people relentlessly when they ask for the recipe... tell them "I can't it's an old family secret!" And then I hand them a box of Betty Crocker.

Sorry, I don't have actual advice to offer... just something to consider...  

[jimithing]

You might want to start with this thread:

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=16907.0

 

[Wavicle]

I don't think you are rude to ask in the first place, but she isn't rude not to share and I would drop it. Her lack of response is probably because you were already told she doesn't share, so I would just treat the non-response as a response of "No."

[Hushabye]

Honestly, I think that the fact that she's refused to share it with you before was a pretty big hint that she didn't want to share it at all.  I would chalk it up as an unfortunate loss of cupcakes and let it be.

[BettyDraper]

It's slightly rude of her to ignore your request but maybe she is at a loss for words and hoping you will forget.

Many people do not like to share their recipes with others, considering their culinary triumphs to be proprietary works, just as you might consider a special crochet pattern or other thing you invented to be your personal property.  In some circles it is considered a faux pas to even ask.  If the cupcakes are as special as you say, I don't blame her for wanting to guard the information.  The term 'secret recipe' didn't invent itself, after all.  

[high dudgeon]

I understand these cupcakes are important to you, but try to take a bit of a step back and let the cupcake craziness subside. It's her right to share or not share the recipe as she sees fit. It has nothing to do with where she lives or whether she created or discovered the recipe. She has no obligation to pass it along to anyone if she doesn't feel like it. She might do you the favor of reply later with it, or she might not. But it's a favor, not a requirement. I'd try to ignore the cupcake issue altogether and just continue with the usual email or facebooking. Later on, once things feel back to normal again, I might ask her for a general recommendation for a good baking cookbook, and see what she says. But ultimately, it's up to her. I don't think you did anything wrong by asking. Some people share and some people don't, and you don't know which kind a person is until you ask. You haven't committed a sin by asking, but she hasn't committed one by not complying. The library is a great source for cookbooks, so you can always keep trying until you find the one she used to make, or one that's even better!

[BettyDraper]

And I do think it's sort of impolite for a "friend" to style her as a "grinch" just because she is proud of her creation and doesn't want the cupcakes to become mass-produced.  

[caroljones]

OP have already responded to some of your questions.

I'm not that great of a baker but I've learned a few things over the years. Don't over-mix the batter or they will tend to get tough, don't overcook them, and make sure you cool them properly. Also, it helps if your ingredients like eggs are room temp before mixing.

[little bird]

You weren't rude to ask.  She isn't rude not to share (although I do think she's slightly rude not to reply at all, even just to say no), even if the recipe is widely available.  I'd drop it and proceed as normal.  In situations like this, particularly with baking, I tend not to share recipes as well, even if I didn't create them, because they are so variable and hard to execute well.  I've learned that sharing frequently leads to endless questions from the receiver on why their taste different than mine, why they didn't puff up properly, etc.

Here's my favourite chocolate cupcake recipe.  Her vanilla is good as well but it looks like it's currently removed for retesting.  

http://cupcakeblog.com/?p=102#comments

Also, check out tastespotting.com.  Typing in 'cupcake' in the search field reveal some beauties you could try out.

[skbenny]

I am a Recipe Grinch - I will not share my signature dish recipes with anyone but my children.

It's not rude to ask me, just as it's not rude for me to say no.

One hint on cupcakes that my grandmother taught me.  Sift the flour 10 times and then measure out the amount the recipe calls for - or buy cake flour.  Sifting is very important in cakes and the more one sifts, the more air is in the cake, the fluffier and lighter.  My grandmother also beat her eggs separately and folded the rest of the batter into them, again making lighter cakes.

It may not be the recipe, so much as the process.

[jimithing]

I do think she probably should have responded to your email. But she's under no obligation to share the recipe with anyone.

Personally, if it really is from a well published cook book, I think that it's the nice thing to do. I don't have a problem sharing recipes I have discovered online, etc., unless it's a "signature dish" that I really want to be the only one in my circle to make. I know people feel very strongly about sharing recipes they created or that are family recipes.

Is a recipe over cupcakes really a make or break thing in your relationship? I would not bring it up again and just move on.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

    I hate coy answers just say no for pete's sakes..

If it is an actually recipes from a published book I do think people should share the name of the book if they remember it , if your using an exact recipes then it not yours they are the author's and you've paid the price of the book for permission to use them.  Oh, but that also mean you shouldn't share the recipe it's not yours to share. That said I have more then 100 cookbooks and I've never used an exact recipe.


the multiple sifting will make a huge difference. 

Baking is chemistry seemingly minor changes make a big difference in the reactions.   

[Roe]

The fact that it's a recipe from a book, makes her rude for not sharing.  If it were truly HER OWN recipe, then I would understand wanting to keep it secret. 

[Scuba_Dog]

The fact that it's a recipe from a book, makes her rude for not sharing.  If it were truly HER OWN recipe, then I would understand wanting to keep it secret. 

I think there is a misunderstanding, or I missed something.  OP didn't say she knew the recipe was from a book.