Silence after sending friend an email

[Drunken Housewife]

A note I'll share:

try those again WITHOUT melting the butter.  Leave the butter out to get to room temperature.  It's a good basic rule to never, ever melt butter.  You want the butter to remain light and fluffy.

[Fluffy Cat]

OP here.

She has coyly said once before when someone else asked that it is a well known cook, and she changed the subject.  I am a close friend however, so thought she would share if it is a widely known author and public recipe.   Personally I think it is rude given this, but that could be the cupcake withdrawal talking  

This email to her facebook email account is my first ever request.  I am cheekily using the phrase grinch because she will not acknowledge my request at all but is happy to comment on other emails and facebook entries.  She is flat out ignoring the existence of my email and this has me astounded.  A simple no would be fine.  Disappointing, but at least an answer.

The complete lack of a response had me wondering if I had committed some unpardonable sin by even asking.  And it is not like I have pestered her  

Not giving you the recipe, close friend or not, is not rude.  It may have been rude for her to not even respond to your e-mail but thats it.  I understand that you're put off, but that doesn't make your friend automatically rude.  I have a cookie recipe that I would never, under penalty of death even, tell another single soul.  I got it from my father, but he says he got it from a specific older edition famous cookbook.  I wouldn't give it to my in-laws, my friends, or a perfect stranger on the other side of the world.  

ETA: I singled out my in-laws because my family already has the recipe through my father

[jimithing]

The fact that it's a recipe from a book, makes her rude for not sharing.  If it were truly HER OWN recipe, then I would understand wanting to keep it secret. 

But why does this make her rude? I agree that for me, it does make a difference if I have a recipe of my own, or out of a book. I am more likely to share a recipe anyone can find.

But, there is also a recipe that *I* make in my circle, and that I want to be the only one to make. I found the recipe, have perfected it and make it often. I don't think it's rude not to share it.

Perhaps not rude, but decidedly unfriendly because but for that little bit of information, that many people must stumble upon unknowingly on a daily basis, the OP could have cupcakes of her very own.  By holding on to that information which is not proprietary (the name of the cook or the cookbook) the friend is...well, is being stingy.  

And I honestly don't see why people get so fussed about actual proprietary recipes either.  Every time someone makes something, there will be differences, due to different stoves, different ingredients, carelessness and accidents in measuring, or the tweaks that cooks give to their baking.  I've been making "my mother's" spaghetti sauce for years now, and I still like her's better!  

In fact, there's a dozen ways to make it a sharing and teaching experience, from "here's this recipe and here's why it turns out so nice," to "come over and let me show you how to do it, we'll do it together the first time."  Frankly, the fact that she doesn't want to share strikes me very much as saying "I don't really like you as much as you think I do."

I can get on board with saying that it's probably a little stingy given it comes from a book. But I don't think it's actually rude to not share something with someone. She has no obligation to share it. Would it be the friendly, kind thing to do? Absolutely. But I don't think that NOT doing it makes her rude or lacking in character or implying that she doesn't like the OP.

[Two Ravens]

."  Frankly, the fact that she doesn't want to share strikes me very much as saying "I don't really like you as much as you think I do."

Wow, that is really harsh.  Again, I am surprised at how judgmental people are being of the OP's friend.

Maybe what the OP's friend is saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you've put me in an awkward position because I don't want to say no and I don't want to give out my recipe.  I worked really hard and tried lots and lots of recipes before I found this one, and I'm known for these cupcakes."

If this were the case, she should simply say this to the OP.  But she hasn't (or won't).  She is not even giving the OP the respect of a response.

I think it does suck for the OP.  She thought she and her friend were closer than that, but the friend apparently cannot even be bothered to give her the name of a recipe book, for whatever reason.  

[DottyG]

I don't think the friend is rude (and "cheeky" or not, I think calling a friend names says a lot more about a person's true feelings than they realize). I think this is a classic case of "it's not rude to ask as long as you're also willing to accept 'no' as the answer - which is not rude, either." And, the friend has said "no" - it's pretty clear.

[skbenny]

A note I'll share:

try those again WITHOUT melting the butter.  Leave the butter out to get to room temperature.  It's a good basic rule to never, ever melt butter.  You want the butter to remain light and fluffy.

Next time I will.  I am going to get out my Mom's old cookbook and look up a recipe to find one from scratch.  This time DH needed the cupcakes tonight so he could take them at 6:00 a.m. when he goes to work, and I was being pretty lazy.  I wanted to learn if sifting the flour and whipping the eggs made a difference, and it does.  The difference is huge in the texture and baking time.

[jimithing]

OP, if your friend did actually send back a response and declined to give you the recipe, would you be willing to accept that and move on?

[skbenny]

OP, if your friend did actually send back a response and declined to give you the recipe, would you be willing to accept that and move on?

Good question. 

[DottyG]

OP, if your friend did actually send back a response and declined to give you the recipe, would you be willing to accept that and move on?

This is a good question. Because it appears that the OP's "outrage" might be misdirected to the wrong issue.

[Scuba_Dog]

OP, if your friend did actually send back a response and declined to give you the recipe, would you be willing to accept that and move on?

Good question. 

In a way, she already has.  OP indicated that her friend has been asked before, not just by her but another friend, and the recipe holder said it came from a book and changed the subject (bean dipped.) 

So really, this is not the first time that she has been asked.  Maybe she is just ignoring the request at this point, because the bean dip isn't working.

(Room temp butter, cake flour and *don't* overmix.)

[DottyG]

MVW has a good point.

And, now I want cupcakes!

[still in va]

Is it possible that your friend baked her cupcakes in a convection oven? 

I'm telling you, my brand new convection oven turns out the BEST cakes I've ever baked. 

my oven is a combo regular/convection.  the Christmas cookies i baked this year turned out fantastic!  and the only different i can see is that i baked them in the oven set to convection mode.  not a burned cookie bottom in the bunch.  well, the convection oven and the parchment paper on the cookie sheets.  

[Two Ravens]

OP, if your friend did actually send back a response and declined to give you the recipe, would you be willing to accept that and move on?

Good question. 

In a way, she already has.  OP indicated that her friend has been asked before, not just by her but another friend, and the recipe holder said it came from a book and changed the subject (bean dipped.) 

So really, this is not the first time that she has been asked.  Maybe she is just ignoring the request at this point, because the bean dip isn't working.

(Room temp butter, cake flour and *don't* overmix.)

Then why not be direct and just say "no"?

[still in va]

OP, if your friend did actually send back a response and declined to give you the recipe, would you be willing to accept that and move on?

Good question. 

In a way, she already has.  OP indicated that her friend has been asked before, not just by her but another friend, and the recipe holder said it came from a book and changed the subject (bean dipped.) 

So really, this is not the first time that she has been asked.  Maybe she is just ignoring the request at this point, because the bean dip isn't working.

(Room temp butter, cake flour and *don't* overmix.)

Then why not be direct and just say "no"?

at this point, she probably should.  however, i'm not sure that the OP will accept that answer.  her friend will still be perceived as selfish for not sharing the recipe.  if her friend is anything like me, i imagine her super-duper fantabulous cupcake recipe started with a recipe in a cookbook by a well-known author.  and then friend made changes or alterations to that recipe.  so her recipe is based on the recipe, but not a faithful representation.  i wouldn't hold with her giving the name of the book but keeping her secret steps out.  i'd rather have someone refuse to give me a recipe outright than to give me a recipe and leave out a key ingredient.  that's just mean.

[Scuba_Dog]

OP, if your friend did actually send back a response and declined to give you the recipe, would you be willing to accept that and move on?

Good question. 

In a way, she already has.  OP indicated that her friend has been asked before, not just by her but another friend, and the recipe holder said it came from a book and changed the subject (bean dipped.) 

So really, this is not the first time that she has been asked.  Maybe she is just ignoring the request at this point, because the bean dip isn't working.

(Room temp butter, cake flour and *don't* overmix.)

Then why not be direct and just say "no"?

Maybe that's not her way.  Either way, with what she has done and now just ignoring the request, I don't think she is being rude and I certainly don't think it's any reflection the state of the friendship.

She has been asked a few times and the recipe has not been given, I think that is a good indicator to stop asking and accept that this is a recipe that she doesn't want to share.