Silence after sending friend an email

[Two Ravens]

OP, if your friend did actually send back a response and declined to give you the recipe, would you be willing to accept that and move on?

Good question. 

In a way, she already has.  OP indicated that her friend has been asked before, not just by her but another friend, and the recipe holder said it came from a book and changed the subject (bean dipped.) 

So really, this is not the first time that she has been asked.  Maybe she is just ignoring the request at this point, because the bean dip isn't working.

(Room temp butter, cake flour and *don't* overmix.)

Then why not be direct and just say "no"?

Maybe that's not her way.  Either way, with what she has done and now just ignoring the request, I don't think she is being rude and I certainly don't think it's any reflection the state of the friendship.

She has been asked a few times and the recipe has not been given, I think that is a good indicator to stop asking and accept that this is a recipe that she doesn't want to share.

But we have said time and again on this site, some people don't pick up on subtle, non verbal clues.  If she values her friend, the OP, doesn't she owe it to her to be direct?

[skbenny]

But we have said time and again on this site, some people don't pick up on subtle, non verbal clues.  If she values her friend, the OP, doesn't she owe it to her to be direct?

Using the same logic, if the OP values the friendship and has heard her refuse to give the recipe, doesn't she owe it to her friend to not ask?

[Two Ravens]

But we have said time and again on this site, some people don't pick up on subtle, non verbal clues.  If she values her friend, the OP, doesn't she owe it to her to be direct?

Using the same logic, if the OP values the friendship and has heard her refuse to give the recipe, doesn't she owe it to her friend to not ask?

  I am afraid I don't see your reasoning.  How would she know not to ask?  Plenty of people have no problem sharing recipes, esp. if they did not originate them.

[Hushabye]

But we have said time and again on this site, some people don't pick up on subtle, non verbal clues.  If she values her friend, the OP, doesn't she owe it to her to be direct?

Using the same logic, if the OP values the friendship and has heard her refuse to give the recipe, doesn't she owe it to her friend to not ask?

  I am afraid I don't see your reasoning.  How would she know not to ask?  Plenty of people have no problem sharing recipes, esp. if they did not originate them.

The OP had heard her friend give a "coy answer" (ie, bean dip) to the question before.  So she already knew that her friend had refused to give it out in the past.

[still in va]

But we have said time and again on this site, some people don't pick up on subtle, non verbal clues.  If she values her friend, the OP, doesn't she owe it to her to be direct?

i wouldn't consider not answering the e-mail requesting a subtle clue.  i'd say it's pretty darn obvious.  but yes, at this point, and especially if the OP takes the advice given here to ask again, then her friend should respond and let the OP know that she will not be sharing the recipe.

[still in va]

But we have said time and again on this site, some people don't pick up on subtle, non verbal clues.  If she values her friend, the OP, doesn't she owe it to her to be direct?

Using the same logic, if the OP values the friendship and has heard her refuse to give the recipe, doesn't she owe it to her friend to not ask?

  I am afraid I don't see your reasoning.  How would she know not to ask?  Plenty of people have no problem sharing recipes, esp. if they did not originate them.

Ravens, we had quite the heated thread here a while back on sharing vs not sharing recipes.  i believe it was linked on the first page.  if i had to guess, i imagine the friend started with the recipe in the cookbook, then changed it and refined it.  therefore, the recipe is now hers and it is totally within her rights to choose not to share it.

[Roe]

I can understand that friend is "known for the cupcakes" but friend now lives several hours away.  She is definitely being stingy (if not rude) by refusing to share the name of the book/author.  It's not her recipe, it's a published recipe. 

Now like others have mentioned, it does take time to look through books and try out recipes (I know, I do this quite a bit) but again, this is a close friend of the OP's. (or at least, she thought they were close)

[Two Ravens]

But we have said time and again on this site, some people don't pick up on subtle, non verbal clues.  If she values her friend, the OP, doesn't she owe it to her to be direct?

Using the same logic, if the OP values the friendship and has heard her refuse to give the recipe, doesn't she owe it to her friend to not ask?

  I am afraid I don't see your reasoning.  How would she know not to ask?  Plenty of people have no problem sharing recipes, esp. if they did not originate them.

Ravens, we had quite the heated thread here a while back on sharing vs not sharing recipes.  i believe it was linked on the first page.  if i had to guess, i imagine the friend started with the recipe in the cookbook, then changed it and refined it.  therefore, the recipe is now hers and it is totally within her rights to choose not to share it.

I know of the thread.  I participated in it.  Thanks to it, I now will never ask anyone for a recipe ever again.  But that really has nothing to do with not giving her friend a direct answer.  I never said she had to share it, but if she doesn't want to share it, she should own up to that to her close friend.

[still in va]

But we have said time and again on this site, some people don't pick up on subtle, non verbal clues.  If she values her friend, the OP, doesn't she owe it to her to be direct?

Using the same logic, if the OP values the friendship and has heard her refuse to give the recipe, doesn't she owe it to her friend to not ask?

  I am afraid I don't see your reasoning.  How would she know not to ask?  Plenty of people have no problem sharing recipes, esp. if they did not originate them.

Ravens, we had quite the heated thread here a while back on sharing vs not sharing recipes.  i believe it was linked on the first page.  if i had to guess, i imagine the friend started with the recipe in the cookbook, then changed it and refined it.  therefore, the recipe is now hers and it is totally within her rights to choose not to share it.

I know of the thread.  I participated in it.  Thanks to it, I now will never ask anyone for a recipe ever again.  But that really has nothing to do with not giving her friend a direct answer.  I never said she had to share it, but if she doesn't want to share it, she should own up to that to her close friend.

and i believe that i agreed that the friend should tell her no in my post #49.

i'm sorry the message that you took from that thread was to never ask for a recipe.  i think what i took away from that thread was that it was okay to ask, but one had to be prepared to be told no. 

[still in va]

I can understand that friend is "known for the cupcakes" but friend now lives several hours away.  She is definitely being stingy (if not rude) by refusing to share the name of the book/author.  It's not her recipe, it's a published recipe. 

Now like others have mentioned, it does take time to look through books and try out recipes (I know, I do this quite a bit) but again, this is a close friend of the OP's. (or at least, she thought they were close)

Roe, as i have stated twice here, i imagine the cupcake recipe started with the published recipe, but then the friend made changes to the recipe that make them truly hers.  hence the coy deflection when asked for the recipe. 

[TychaBrahe]

I can understand that friend is "known for the cupcakes" but friend now lives several hours away.  She is definitely being stingy (if not rude) by refusing to share the name of the book/author.  It's not her recipe, it's a published recipe. 

Now like others have mentioned, it does take time to look through books and try out recipes (I know, I do this quite a bit) but again, this is a close friend of the OP's. (or at least, she thought they were close)

Roe, as i have stated twice here, i imagine the cupcake recipe started with the published recipe, but then the friend made changes to the recipe that make them truly hers.  hence the coy deflection when asked for the recipe. 

Then the friend could say, "Well it started out as X, but I made several changes.  Now, as it's my own creation, I'd rather not share the recipe.  However, that published recipe is a good starting point, and you can develop your own version."

[Katelyn]

OP here.  Wanting to clarify a couple of points.

I have only ever heard my friend be asked ONCE for the recipe, and it was by someone she had met only once before, so not really a friend.  I thought that as we saw each other every week in our social circle that she might see my request more favourably than someone she does not really know.

Therefore, asking her only the once in an email did not seem like I was ignoring any cues, subtle or otherwise, given to others.  And the fact that she has now moved away changed my view too.  I had not thought to ask her for the recipe when she was still here and happily making them for everyone.  The kudos for the cupcakes was all hers to keep.  And even if she shared the recipe now, it would be "Friendsname's cupcakes" to anyone who asked and requests for the recipe would be referred to friend or politely denied.

YES I would absolutely accept a no answer.  Disappointed, clearly, but it is her absolute right to say no.  And I am having a little fun trying out new recipes, learning as I go.  One day I will perfect my own cupcakes, it just may take some time and any heads up or help would have been wonderful.  

No, I would not want a half detailed recipe so if she has changed or tweaked the recipe there is little point.  But all of this is useless conjecture because at the end of the day the ultimate problem I have is that she does not have the courtesy or kindness to just be honest with me and say "thankyou so much for asking, I am glad that you love the cupcakes, but I really do not want to share the recipe." or, "I would rather not share the recipe.  Thanks for asking.  Have a great new year".    

So now I am left to presume that she has the email, but will not ever be sure, and also presume then that the answer is no, which is a whole lot more presumption than I ever like to deal with.  Why oh why can't people just be honest?  All this guesswork is hurting my brain  

And I am sorry that some posters feel that calling her a grinch is unfair.  I am just being honest in how I feel.  I do think she is being a little selfish by withholding what is apparently a public recipe, but at the end of the day I am more upset about being snubbed and the request being given the silent treatment.  An honest response from my friend would have avoided this whole dilemma.  

[jimithing]

Honestly, at this point, I would send another email, asking if she received the previous one. At this point, you are assuming the worst of her, that she is blatantly ignoring you.

It is possible that she didn't receive it, or saw it but couldn't respond right away and forgot, etc. I've done that with FB emails before.

I think that before you assume she doesn't have the courtesy or kindness to respond, you should probably make sure that it's not an oversight, especially if she's been a good friend.

[Roe]

I can understand that friend is "known for the cupcakes" but friend now lives several hours away.  She is definitely being stingy (if not rude) by refusing to share the name of the book/author.  It's not her recipe, it's a published recipe. 

Now like others have mentioned, it does take time to look through books and try out recipes (I know, I do this quite a bit) but again, this is a close friend of the OP's. (or at least, she thought they were close)

Roe, as i have stated twice here, i imagine the cupcake recipe started with the published recipe, but then the friend made changes to the recipe that make them truly hers.  hence the coy deflection when asked for the recipe. 

Then the friend could say, "Well it started out as X, but I made several changes.  Now, as it's my own creation, I'd rather not share the recipe.  However, that published recipe is a good starting point, and you can develop your own version."

Exactly!  She doesn't have to share her 'tweaks.'  However, since it is a published recipe, I do think she is stingy by not giving out the name of the book or author.

[still in va]

I can understand that friend is "known for the cupcakes" but friend now lives several hours away.  She is definitely being stingy (if not rude) by refusing to share the name of the book/author.  It's not her recipe, it's a published recipe. 

Now like others have mentioned, it does take time to look through books and try out recipes (I know, I do this quite a bit) but again, this is a close friend of the OP's. (or at least, she thought they were close)

Roe, as i have stated twice here, i imagine the cupcake recipe started with the published recipe, but then the friend made changes to the recipe that make them truly hers.  hence the coy deflection when asked for the recipe. 

Then the friend could say, "Well it started out as X, but I made several changes.  Now, as it's my own creation, I'd rather not share the recipe.  However, that published recipe is a good starting point, and you can develop your own version."

Exactly!  She doesn't have to share her 'tweaks.'  However, since it is a published recipe, I do think she is stingy by not giving out the name of the book or author.

but Roe, if the friend has indeed made tweaks, tweaks that make them the most fantabulous cupcakes around, and she doesn't share them, then she hasn't actually shared the real recipe.  i'd rather someone refuse to give me a recipe than to give me one and leave out something key to the success of said recipe.