Silence after sending friend an email

[still in va]

OP, i just went back and reread your initial post.  you say she moved "recently".  how recently?  a couple of months?  6 months?  if it hasn't been that long, and with the holidays, it's possible that she's got a lot going on and it just slipped her mind.  i'm glad that you sent an e-mail to her regular account.  if she doesn't at least respond by declining to share the recipe now, then i will agree that she is being rude to not at least tell you she won't share.   not rude to prefer to not share, but definitely rude to not tell you that.

[Bijou]

."  Frankly, the fact that she doesn't want to share strikes me very much as saying "I don't really like you as much as you think I do."

Wow, that is really harsh.  Again, I am surprised at how judgmental people are being of the OP's friend.

Maybe what the OP's friend is saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you've put me in an awkward position because I don't want to say no and I don't want to give out my recipe.  I worked really hard and tried lots and lots of recipes before I found this one, and I'm known for these cupcakes."

Actually it should read, Maybe what the OP's friend is saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you've put me in an awkward position because I don't want to say no again and I don't want to give out my recipe.  I worked really hard and tried lots and lots of recipes before I found this one, and I'm known for these cupcakes."

I think if you ask once for something and are told no, you are fine.  If you ask again, though, you are putting someone in an ackward position.

[MariaE]

."  Frankly, the fact that she doesn't want to share strikes me very much as saying "I don't really like you as much as you think I do."

Wow, that is really harsh.  Again, I am surprised at how judgmental people are being of the OP's friend.

Maybe what the OP's friend is saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you've put me in an awkward position because I don't want to say no and I don't want to give out my recipe.  I worked really hard and tried lots and lots of recipes before I found this one, and I'm known for these cupcakes."

Actually it should read, Maybe what the OP's friend is saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you've put me in an awkward position because I don't want to say no again and I don't want to give out my recipe.  I worked really hard and tried lots and lots of recipes before I found this one, and I'm known for these cupcakes."

I think if you ask once for something and are told no, you are fine.  If you ask again, though, you are putting someone in an ackward position.

But Bijou, the OP has stated more than once that she only asked once. The other denial she's recounted was another person who asked, and the OP just overheard - a person the recipe-owner had only just met. I think there's a huge difference between asking somebody you've just met and asking an old friend. And overhearing somebody asking and being turned down, is not the same as asking and being turned down yourself. I don't see that the OP committed any faus pax at all in sending the e-mail.

[LadyJaneinMD]

Are these chocolate cupcakes?  Here's a recipe To Die For:

http://foodiefarmgirl.blogspot.com/2005/08/chocolate-cake-emergency.html

No kidding, I have made this cake and it's literally 20 minutes from taking the butter out of the fridge to putting the pain into the oven.
At the bottom there's a link to the same recipe, made into cupcakes, with mocha frosting.

Try it.  You'll have your own special recipe!

[Aeris]

As for the recipe sharing: I understand, though I do not share, the possessiveness over personal recipes. But I really can't fathom how, if it is a recipe from a book, one can justify not sharing that. A PP mentions that there is a fair amount of work that goes into finding the worthwhile recipe - that's true, but there's also a fair amount of work (scouring reviews, trial and error) that goes into finding a really excellent restaurant - and I can't imagine refusing to tell a very good friend which restaurants I've discovered, through my own labors of review-scouring and wasted money and Friday nights, are truly worth it all.



As for the email ignoring: there's no excuse for this, assuming the friend actually received the email.

The OP had not ever asked before, and hearing your good friend bean dip a near stranger over the recipe is hardly a sufficient clue that you should never even ask. If the recipe is truly straight out of a book, I can't fathom the friend not sharing it, but even if she didn't, a simple "I'm sorry, but I don't share that" would be light years preferable to silence.

If she has made tweaks, she could say "Well, it came originally from X book, here, but I've made a number of tweaks over the years that I'm not willing to share" or "you know, I've made so many tweaks, that it's really my own recipe now that I'm not comfortable sharing - and the starting recipe is so different, I'm not sure how much help knowing it would actually be."

But just pretending your friend has not spoken? No, there's no good excuse for that. Perhaps she feels bad about the fact that she doesn't want to share the recipe. Too bad - she needs to put on her big girl panties and figure out how to respond like an adult.

[MDefarge]

I totally agree that this is actually not about recipes, but about ignoring e-mails.  That said - Facebook hates me and I know for a *fact* that I have sent e-mails through FB that were not received.  The OP said she sent another e-mail so we'll see what happens with that.

Re - not melting butter.  The only time I melt butter is when I am using it in place of the oil called for in cake mixes.  That plus a couple of splashes of vanilla produces pretty great results. (I made these for my students one year and they were so good they didn't believe I didn't get them from a bakery.)

[Molebert]

OP, i just went back and reread your initial post.  you say she moved "recently".  how recently?  a couple of months?  6 months?  if it hasn't been that long, and with the holidays, it's possible that she's got a lot going on and it just slipped her mind.  i'm glad that you sent an e-mail to her regular account.  if she doesn't at least respond by declining to share the recipe now, then i will agree that she is being rude to not at least tell you she won't share.   not rude to prefer to not share, but definitely rude to not tell you that.

How long ago did you email her?
If I was your friend, this would be the most likely scenario:

"oh! A message from CoffeeKat, how fun! Ooh, my cupcake recipe. Hm, where did I put it? I don't have time to find it now, I must remember to dig it out and send it to her."

a couple of days later, logging in to FB:

"argh, darn it! I forgot to take that recipe out. Don't have time now, I'll do it later so I'll have time to write it down properly"


etc

[Scuba_Dog]

She was coy when anyone mentioned her possibly sharing the recipe, saying it was one from a well known cook book author. 

I guess it's the bolded that gives me the impression that the cupcake lady has been asked more than once and perhaps by more than one person, for the recipe.  

OP, was this at one event, when people (the anyone) commented and asked for the recipe, and she said it came from a book?  Was that the time that you saw the mixing bowls?  Or do people comment and ask whenever they eat them?

Is it bad that it's 10:30 am and I want cupcakes now?   

(You also might want to try the food network website, in Alton Brown's Good Eats section, and see if you can watch his Good Eats episode on Chiffon Cake.  I learned so much from that epi!  He also has one just for cupcakes.)

[miranova]

As for the recipe sharing: I understand, though I do not share, the possessiveness over personal recipes. But I really can't fathom how, if it is a recipe from a book, one can justify not sharing that. A PP mentions that there is a fair amount of work that goes into finding the worthwhile recipe - that's true, but there's also a fair amount of work (scouring reviews, trial and error) that goes into finding a really excellent restaurant - and I can't imagine refusing to tell a very good friend which restaurants I've discovered, through my own labors of review-scouring and wasted money and Friday nights, are truly worth it all.



As for the email ignoring: there's no excuse for this, assuming the friend actually received the email.

The OP had not ever asked before, and hearing your good friend bean dip a near stranger over the recipe is hardly a sufficient clue that you should never even ask. If the recipe is truly straight out of a book, I can't fathom the friend not sharing it, but even if she didn't, a simple "I'm sorry, but I don't share that" would be light years preferable to silence.

If she has made tweaks, she could say "Well, it came originally from X book, here, but I've made a number of tweaks over the years that I'm not willing to share" or "you know, I've made so many tweaks, that it's really my own recipe now that I'm not comfortable sharing - and the starting recipe is so different, I'm not sure how much help knowing it would actually be."

But just pretending your friend has not spoken? No, there's no good excuse for that. Perhaps she feels bad about the fact that she doesn't want to share the recipe. Too bad - she needs to put on her big girl panties and figure out how to respond like an adult.

Totally agree.  Maybe she feels this way, maybe she feels that way, but you don't just ignore a request from an actual friend.  You answer the question, at the very least.

[Hushabye]

You can only answer the question if you get the question in the first place.  Facebook glitches.  A lot, especially lately, it seems.  I think it was a good idea for the OP to send the follow-up email to make sure the first one was received.  If the friend doesn't respond to it, either, then I think it's pretty rude.

[Bijou]

."  Frankly, the fact that she doesn't want to share strikes me very much as saying "I don't really like you as much as you think I do."

Wow, that is really harsh.  Again, I am surprised at how judgmental people are being of the OP's friend.

Maybe what the OP's friend is saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you've put me in an awkward position because I don't want to say no and I don't want to give out my recipe.  I worked really hard and tried lots and lots of recipes before I found this one, and I'm known for these cupcakes."

Actually it should read, Maybe what the OP's friend is saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you've put me in an awkward position because I don't want to say no again and I don't want to give out my recipe.  I worked really hard and tried lots and lots of recipes before I found this one, and I'm known for these cupcakes."

I think if you ask once for something and are told no, you are fine.  If you ask again, though, you are putting someone in an ackward position.

But Bijou, the OP has stated more than once that she only asked once. The other denial she's recounted was another person who asked, and the OP just overheard - a person the recipe-owner had only just met. I think there's a huge difference between asking somebody you've just met and asking an old friend. And overhearing somebody asking and being turned down, is not the same as asking and being turned down yourself. I don't see that the OP committed any faus pax at all in sending the e-mail.

What she actually said was this:  "My friend has recently moved two states away and taken her cupcake recipe with her.  Ordinarily not a drama but you need to understand that these cupcakes were INCREDIBLE.  They melt in your mouth they are so light fluffy and moist.  They easily beat any cupcake I have been thrilled to find at those cosy upmarket coffee shops. She was coy when anyone mentioned her possibly sharing the recipe, saying it was one from a well known cook book author."

I'm just saying that she did know, on whatever authority, that the friend does not want to share the recipe.  And that asking for it, knowing this, can put someone in an ackward position. 

[Ender]

I have no help on what to do about your friend, but I'm curious as to what kind of cupcakes these are!

I know Paula Deen has some awesome cupcake recipes, and Alton Brown's are tasty. Chances are, if it was in a book, you'll be able to find the recipe online somewhere. Maybe searching for, say, "chocolate coffee cupcakes with cream cheese icing" will bring up some ideas.

[icfrugal2]

12/31/09

I have been married for over 26 years and just a couple of months ago my mil asked for my choc chip recipe I regret giving it to her. Now she is making the cookies and telling people my secret.

I had tweaked a recipe decades ago and was known for my cookies. I could just kick myself.

So I don't blame your friend for not sharing that is her "thing" making the best cupcakes, just as my "thing" was making special cookies.

IC

It never hurts to ask, but I would not ask again, nor would I be hurt by her not sharing.  

edit I have been married over 26 years not 16.

[Aeris]

."  Frankly, the fact that she doesn't want to share strikes me very much as saying "I don't really like you as much as you think I do."

Wow, that is really harsh.  Again, I am surprised at how judgmental people are being of the OP's friend.

Maybe what the OP's friend is saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you've put me in an awkward position because I don't want to say no and I don't want to give out my recipe.  I worked really hard and tried lots and lots of recipes before I found this one, and I'm known for these cupcakes."

Actually it should read, Maybe what the OP's friend is saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you've put me in an awkward position because I don't want to say no again and I don't want to give out my recipe.  I worked really hard and tried lots and lots of recipes before I found this one, and I'm known for these cupcakes."

I think if you ask once for something and are told no, you are fine.  If you ask again, though, you are putting someone in an ackward position.

But Bijou, the OP has stated more than once that she only asked once. The other denial she's recounted was another person who asked, and the OP just overheard - a person the recipe-owner had only just met. I think there's a huge difference between asking somebody you've just met and asking an old friend. And overhearing somebody asking and being turned down, is not the same as asking and being turned down yourself. I don't see that the OP committed any faus pax at all in sending the e-mail.

What she actually said was this:  "My friend has recently moved two states away and taken her cupcake recipe with her.  Ordinarily not a drama but you need to understand that these cupcakes were INCREDIBLE.  They melt in your mouth they are so light fluffy and moist.  They easily beat any cupcake I have been thrilled to find at those cosy upmarket coffee shops. She was coy when anyone mentioned her possibly sharing the recipe, saying it was one from a well known cook book author."

I'm just saying that she did know, on whatever authority, that the friend does not want to share the recipe.  And that asking for it, knowing this, can put someone in an ackward position. 

And she later clarified that she actually only heard her friend be asked about the recipe once, and by a near stranger at that. While in hindsight, and in combination with her silent treatment to this email, one can conclude that she doesn't want to share, I certainly wouldn't consider the OP to have been 'on notice' that asking would be putting her friend in an awkward position after only having witnessed peripherally one random near-stranger's request.

[Katelyn]

She was coy when anyone mentioned her possibly sharing the recipe, saying it was one from a well known cook book author. 

I guess it's the bolded that gives me the impression that the cupcake lady has been asked more than once and perhaps by more than one person, for the recipe.  

OP, was this at one event, when people (the anyone) commented and asked for the recipe, and she said it came from a book?  Was that the time that you saw the mixing bowls?  Or do people comment and ask whenever they eat them?

Is it bad that it's 10:30 am and I want cupcakes now?   

(You also might want to try the food network website, in Alton Brown's Good Eats section, and see if you can watch his Good Eats episode on Chiffon Cake.  I learned so much from that epi!  He also has one just for cupcakes.)

A few people asked at a morning tea and it made sense to me that she might have felt "give in to a few and there will be a bandwagon".  More importantly, this is when she still lived close by so I had no need for her recipe, it was her thing. 

The bowls were once when I visited her place without others, but again did not think to ask, I had the real thing