Silence after sending friend an email

[Hanna]

if you're sooooooo incredibly sensitive about your supersecret recipes that you can't even bear the idea of sending a polite "no" to someone when asked, perhaps it's time to stop cooking for anyone but yourself and your family.

Rain, that kinda comes across as snarky.  Did you mean it to be such?

It might be a bit snarky, but I stand behind it 100%.  If you can't take the heat, stay out of the fire.  If you can't stand sharing, and can't stand even saying no politely, you shouldn't let yourself become known for a recipe that people are likely going to ask for.  I can respect people not wanting to share recipes, and I don't think that should stop them from sharing the food, but if you can't even bother to say no, it's time to reassess whether cooking for others is a good idea.

I was thinking if one can't stand the heartbreak of not getting a response to every single email, perhaps they should not send email at all.

Also, if one can't take hearing no without becoming "sad" when asking a favor of a friend, I definitely believe they should not ask for favors in the first place.  

[Two Ravens]

See, I was thinking if one can't stand the heartbreak of not getting a response to every single email, perhaps they should not send email at all.

Also, if one can't take hearing no without becoming "sad" when asking a favor of a friend, I definitely believe they should not ask for favors in the first place.  

Now you are exaggerating. No one was heartbroken. The OP was confused at not getting a response (and perhaps a bit dissapointed,) but hardly heartbroken.  Why the hyperbole?

And really, who wouldn't be "sad" to discover that their friendship with someone wasn't as close or reciprocal as they thought.

[DottyG]

Y'all, something's wrong with your quotes in your posts.  I'm confused as to what each one is saying.  Can you fix it?  Pretty please?

[Hanna]

Y'all, something's wrong with your quotes in your posts.  I'm confused as to what each one is saying.  Can you fix it?  Pretty please?

Fixed

[evely28]

I don't fault the OP for asking and yet I do think the OP should see that the non-reply to her specific request is an answer. Especially since she has said that if her friend does'nt give it to her, she would feel bad. It's not OK in my book to say someone can decline my request, but then I'll be hurt. Isn't this part of friendship, that I may ask a friend for something and yet I really do have to give them room to say no for any reason and respect that.

I think the OP came on here initially with the view point that since she shares recipes, every one should. It's quite an eye opener to see the myriad of reasons as to why some people don't.

The OP has said she would feel sad if she didn't get the recipe.  Not that she would be angry with her friend or feel like it was unfair, she would feel sad.  As long as she doesn't pout or let her friend know that she is disappointed, thats fine.

Let's say I really want a soda, but I don't have any change from the vending machine.  I ask Sue if I can borrow a dollar.  Sue says no.  I politely say, ok no problem.  And move on.  I'm sad I didn't get my soda (and thirsty!), but that doesn't make me rude.  And it doesn't mean I can't ask for something if a negative answer would make me sad.  I just need to be aware not to express that negativity to the person I'm asking.  We are allowed to have feelings, its how we express them to others that etiquette controls.

The OP said if her friend didn't give her the recipe, she would be really disappointed. It really sounds like the OP sent her friend an email with a possibly "loaded" question. How many times have we seen on this site, that make up numerous threads, that the act of saying no may bring much grief? If a friend asked me for something and I didn't quite feel comfortable saying no, I think we don't we have much of a relationship. My friends don't put their needs ahead of my own and do support me in my comfort.

So I guess to answer the OP's question. Yes, there are many of us who will not share recipes. For our own level of comfort. If you think your level of need surpass'es your friends than by all means end the relationship. If you are looking for a possible perspective from your friend I think you may have found it in the numerous replies.

[DottyG]

Y'all, something's wrong with your quotes in your posts.  I'm confused as to what each one is saying.  Can you fix it?  Pretty please?

Fixed

Thanks!  That's much easier to figure out now.

[Hanna]

See, I was thinking if one can't stand the heartbreak of not getting a response to every single email, perhaps they should not send email at all.

Also, if one can't take hearing no without becoming "sad" when asking a favor of a friend, I definitely believe they should not ask for favors in the first place. 

Now you are exaggerating. No one was heartbroken. The OP was confused at not getting a response (and perhaps a bit dissapointed,) but hardly heartbroken.  Why the hyperbole?

And really, who wouldn't be "sad" to discover that their friendship with someone wasn't as close or reciprocal as they thought.

It's what one would consider not being reciprocal that I find outlandish. It's a cupcake recipe, not the last supper.  OP has stated that the friend has been very generous in other ways.

Suggesting someone never cook for others again and using language like "basic human courtesy" over a simple email seems incredibly extreme me.

I share most any and everything, and don't have any secret recipes.  But if someone considers themselves a close friend of mine, yet can't discern, accept and respect my limited boundaries without questioning my friendship and suggesting I'm selfish and greedy, then that's not a person I need around.  Perhaps others view friendship as carte blanche to have all of their wishes granted.  Many of us most certainly don't.

[Two Ravens]

I don't fault the OP for asking and yet I do think the OP should see that the non-reply to her specific request is an answer. Especially since she has said that if her friend does'nt give it to her, she would feel bad. It's not OK in my book to say someone can decline my request, but then I'll be hurt. Isn't this part of friendship, that I may ask a friend for something and yet I really do have to give them room to say no for any reason and respect that.

I think the OP came on here initially with the view point that since she shares recipes, every one should. It's quite an eye opener to see the myriad of reasons as to why some people don't.

The OP has said she would feel sad if she didn't get the recipe.  Not that she would be angry with her friend or feel like it was unfair, she would feel sad.  As long as she doesn't pout or let her friend know that she is disappointed, thats fine.

Let's say I really want a soda, but I don't have any change from the vending machine.  I ask Sue if I can borrow a dollar.  Sue says no.  I politely say, ok no problem.  And move on.  I'm sad I didn't get my soda (and thirsty!), but that doesn't make me rude.  And it doesn't mean I can't ask for something if a negative answer would make me sad.  I just need to be aware not to express that negativity to the person I'm asking.  We are allowed to have feelings, its how we express them to others that etiquette controls.

The OP said if her friend didn't give her the recipe, she would be really disappointed. It really sounds like the OP sent her friend an email with a possibly "loaded" question. How many times have we seen on this site, that make up numerous threads, that the act of saying no may bring much grief? If a friend asked me for something and I didn't quite feel comfortable saying no, I think we don't we have much of a rel@tionship. My friends don't put their needs ahead of my own and do support me in my comfort.

So I guess to answer the OP's question. Yes, there are many of us who will not share recipes. For our own level of comfort. If you think your level of need surpass'es your friends than by all means end the rel@tionship. If you are looking for a possible perspective from your friend I think you may have found it in the numerous replies.

Again, I am afraid I don't understand your post.  By asking you a question, which you are free to say "no" to, your friend is putting their needs above yours?  Or just saying "no" is above your level of comfort?

Again, no one has to share recipes, but they should at least be able to say "no" when someone asks.

[Hanna]

I'm sure you missed it, but I was responding in kind to hyperbole here. 

if you're sooooooo incredibly sensitive about your supersecret recipes that you can't even bear the idea of sending a polite "no" to someone when asked, perhaps it's time to stop cooking for anyone but yourself and your family.

[Two Ravens]

It's what one would consider not being reciprocal that I find outlandish. It's a cupcake recipe, not the last supper.  OP has stated that the friend has been very generous in other ways.

Suggesting someone never cook for others again and using language like "basic human courtesy" over a simple email seems incredibly extreme me.

I share most any and everything, and don't have any secret recipes.  But if someone considers themselves a close friend of mine, yet can't discern, accept and respect my limited boundaries without questioning my friendship and suggesting I'm selfish and greedy, then that's not a person I need around.  Perhaps others view friendship as carte blanche to have all of their wishes granted.  Many of us most certainly don't.

The OP shares recipes with the friend.  The friend doesn't share recipes with the OP.  In this sense, their friendship is not reciprocal.  Now we can wax poetic about how maybe friend is generous in other ways, and this may be true, but it does change this fact.  Friend can take recipes from the OP, but does not respond in kind.

Again, again - No one has to share recipes, but you cannot expect someone to automatically know not to ask you.  Esp. if you take their recipes from them. (And let's not start comparing wool pullovers with mink coats, please).

[RainhaDoTexugo]

I'm sure you missed it, but I was responding in kind to hyperbole here.  

if you're sooooooo incredibly sensitive about your supersecret recipes that you can't even bear the idea of sending a polite "no" to someone when asked, perhaps it's time to stop cooking for anyone but yourself and your family.

It's not hyperbole at all.  A number of posters have speculated that the friend is just not comfortable with saying no, and thus she shouldn't have to.  If that's true (and she hasn't just gotten distracted), and she really can't bring herself to send a simple email to say "no, I'm sorry, I don't share that recipe," then she really ought to reconsider making it for other people.  She clearly doesn't think that recipe sharing is some kind of crazy thing that nobody actually does, and thus it would be so rude to ask, because she's asked for recipes herself.

[RainhaDoTexugo]

See, I was thinking if one can't stand the heartbreak of not getting a response to every single email, perhaps they should not send email at all.

Also, if one can't take hearing no without becoming "sad" when asking a favor of a friend, I definitely believe they should not ask for favors in the first place. 

Now you are exaggerating. No one was heartbroken. The OP was confused at not getting a response (and perhaps a bit dissapointed,) but hardly heartbroken.  Why the hyperbole?

And really, who wouldn't be "sad" to discover that their friendship with someone wasn't as close or reciprocal as they thought.

It's what one would consider not being reciprocal that I find outlandish. It's a cupcake recipe, not the last supper.  OP has stated that the friend has been very generous in other ways.

I'm using this post to quote, but this certainly isn't the only time I've seen this sentiment in this thread.  I'm "picking" on you, because your post was most convenient

It seems funny to me that in these situations, it's always "just a cupcake recipe, gosh, it's not a big deal!" to the person that wants a recipe, but it's never "just a cupcake recipe, gosh, it's not a big deal!" to the person who won't share the recipe.  Either the cupcake recipe is a big deal, or it isn't.  Either way, the problem isn't the sharing of the recipe so much as the blatant snub.

[Hanna]

It's what one would consider not being reciprocal that I find outlandish. It's a cupcake recipe, not the last supper.  OP has stated that the friend has been very generous in other ways.

Suggesting someone never cook for others again and using language like "basic human courtesy" over a simple email seems incredibly extreme me.

I share most any and everything, and don't have any secret recipes.  But if someone considers themselves a close friend of mine, yet can't discern, accept and respect my limited boundaries without questioning my friendship and suggesting I'm selfish and greedy, then that's not a person I need around.  Perhaps others view friendship as carte blanche to have all of their wishes granted.  Many of us most certainly don't.

The OP shares recipes with the friend.  The friend doesn't share recipes with the OP.  In this sense, their friendship is not reciprocal.  Now we can wax poetic about how maybe friend is generous in other ways, and this may be true, but it does change this fact.  Friend can take recipes from the OP, but does not respond in kind.

Again, again - No one has to share recipes, but you cannot expect someone to automatically know not to ask you.  Esp. if you take thier recipes from them. (And let's not start comparing wool pullovers with mink coats, please).

It's not been said (entered into evidence ) that she never shares recipes.  Only that she doesn't share this one.  If all recipes are equal from your perspective then why is this specific recipe even necessary?  Wouldn't any recipe online do?

I don't believe asking once was rude. (Though if the OP had come here before asking and given us all the background I would have advised either not to ask or be prepared for either no or nothing.)  Asking again, becoming "disappointed", "sad" and questioning the friendship is over the top.

[Hanna]

I'm sure you missed it, but I was responding in kind to hyperbole here. 

if you're sooooooo incredibly sensitive about your supersecret recipes that you can't even bear the idea of sending a polite "no" to someone when asked, perhaps it's time to stop cooking for anyone but yourself and your family.

It's not hyperbole at all.  A number of posters have speculated that the friend is just not comfortable with saying no, and thus she shouldn't have to.  If that's true (and she hasn't just gotten distracted), and she really can't bring herself to send a simple email to say "no, I'm sorry, I don't share that recipe," then she really ought to reconsider making it for other people.  She clearly doesn't think that recipe sharing is some kind of crazy thing that nobody actually does, and thus it would be so rude to ask, because she's asked for recipes herself.

If she were here complaining about being asked then we might tell her not.
So far as we know, OP is the one with the issue.  The cupcake maker may be blissfully ignorant and enjoying her farmville activities.

[Hanna]

See, I was thinking if one can't stand the heartbreak of not getting a response to every single email, perhaps they should not send email at all.

Also, if one can't take hearing no without becoming "sad" when asking a favor of a friend, I definitely believe they should not ask for favors in the first place. 

Now you are exaggerating. No one was heartbroken. The OP was confused at not getting a response (and perhaps a bit dissapointed,) but hardly heartbroken.  Why the hyperbole?

And really, who wouldn't be "sad" to discover that their friendship with someone wasn't as close or reciprocal as they thought.

It's what one would consider not being reciprocal that I find outlandish. It's a cupcake recipe, not the last supper.  OP has stated that the friend has been very generous in other ways.

I'm using this post to quote, but this certainly isn't the only time I've seen this sentiment in this thread.  I'm "picking" on you, because your post was most convenient

It seems funny to me that in these situations, it's always "just a cupcake recipe, gosh, it's not a big deal!" to the person that wants a recipe, but it's never "just a cupcake recipe, gosh, it's not a big deal!" to the person who won't share the recipe.  Either the cupcake recipe is a big deal, or it isn't.  Either way, the problem isn't the sharing of the recipe so much as the blatant snub.

Well, can you give me $100?  No?  Why not? It's *just* $100! 

Easy to say "it's no big deal" when you are in the position of receiver rather than giver.

See - It's *her* cupcake recipe. Even if she's just the one that found it. She has a right to determine the value she places on it.