Ask Amy: First Letter - FB Related

[Shoo]

I read the LW's letter differently.  To me, it sounds like someone she knows posted one of those "You are an Angel" poems or sayings on her wall...

"In my whole life,
There is no one else like you.
Someone who changed my life,
Just by being you.
You are an angel to me...."
(something like that)


and the liked it so well, she reposted it on all her family members' walls.  That might be weird to some people and not weird to others.  But the "you must be mentally unstable" reactions are totally OTT.

[Crazy Chicken Lady]

Ahhhhh......now that makes sense! I'm betting that's what happened.

[Amalthea]

I agree. The guy in the second letter was quite rude in his letter.
I respect his belief. It takes a great deal of disipline and dedication to your believe to live that way and it is commendable IMO.  And, he certainly has every right to believe what he believes, but what he does not have the right to do judge everyone else for not believing the same thing.  That is extremely close minded and I would go so far as to say a little intolerant as well.

What does he do when he dates? Does he ask for proof of his dates purity?

I've met a disturbing number of guys that thought "Are you a virgin?" was a perfectly fine question to ask in their first conversation with a girl.  It was actually to the point where I made it a deal breaker if a guy asked me about the state of my virginity before asking my favorite color.  Apparently they just don't understand that a lot of people are not okay with discussing that with near strangers.

[Surianne]

Shoo: that makes so much more sense!  Not having seen those poems before definitely added to my "What the " response.

[Two Ravens]

I read the LW's letter differently.  To me, it sounds like someone she knows posted one of those "You are an Angel" poems or sayings on her wall...

"In my whole life,
There is no one else like you.
Someone who changed my life,
Just by being you.
You are an angel to me...."
(something like that)


and the liked it so well, she reposted it on all her family members' walls.  That might be weird to some people and not weird to others.  But the "you must be mentally unstable" reactions are totally OTT.

I guess this makes more sense, but the fact that she then posted this on over 30 people's walls seems a bit much for me.  

Also note, no one said she was "mentally unstable"

What she said was "A few of them responded and said the posting was nice, but the rest asked if I was doing OK.  To me, it seems like they're asking if I'm mentally unstable and I find that to be very harsh and mean. It's very upsetting. "

It seems to me she is overeacting and expecting waaay too much out of people, esp. on FB.

[hobish]

I read the LW's letter differently.  To me, it sounds like someone she knows posted one of those "You are an Angel" poems or sayings on her wall...

"In my whole life,
There is no one else like you.
Someone who changed my life,
Just by being you.
You are an angel to me...."
(something like that)


and the liked it so well, she reposted it on all her family members' walls.  That might be weird to some people and not weird to others.  But the "you must be mentally unstable" reactions are totally OTT.

That makes a lot more sense. It's still kind of odd to post on other people's walls, but not as much. It reminds me of those horrid chain mails that say something supposedly inspirational and then tell you that you have to pass it on if you agree, etc. Hate those things.

[Deetee]

I read the LW's letter differently.  To me, it sounds like someone she knows posted one of those "You are an Angel" poems or sayings on her wall...

"In my whole life,
There is no one else like you.
Someone who changed my life,
Just by being you.
You are an angel to me...."
(something like that)


and the liked it so well, she reposted it on all her family members' walls.  That might be weird to some people and not weird to others.  But the "you must be mentally unstable" reactions are totally OTT.

That's how I read the letter as well. She posted that everyone else was an angel, not that she was an angel.

That aside, she does sound a bit loopy. If somewhat posted that on my wall, I'd find it very odd. As many of my posts are full of snark, it wouldn't really fit with the theme of my wall. Posting something over-the-top sappy to everyone's wall and expecting sappiness in return is not knowing your audience.

[lmyrs]

I read the LW's letter differently.  To me, it sounds like someone she knows posted one of those "You are an Angel" poems or sayings on her wall...

"In my whole life,
There is no one else like you.
Someone who changed my life,
Just by being you.
You are an angel to me...."
(something like that)


and the liked it so well, she reposted it on all her family members' walls.  That might be weird to some people and not weird to others.  But the "you must be mentally unstable" reactions are totally OTT.

That's how I read the letter as well. She posted that everyone else was an angel, not that she was an angel.

That aside, she does sound a bit loopy. If somewhat posted that on my wall, I'd find it very odd. As many of my posts are full of snark, it wouldn't really fit with the theme of my wall. Posting something over-the-top sappy to everyone's wall and expecting sappiness in return is not knowing your audience.

That's how I read it too. I would have hated it had it been put on my wall because it just reminds me of an email chain letter or something, but I wouldn't necessarily think there was something wrong with the person. Depending on who it was. Now, if I posted that on a bunch of my friends' and family members' walls, I can well see many of them asking if I was ok, as it is completely against my nature to do so. Most of them would be joking though.

As for the second letter, I read it as the guy being a judgemental jerk towards anyone who doesn't share his world view and Amy gave him the other side of the coin. Like many PPs, I have no problem whatsoever if people believe that there is no sex before marriage. Many of my relatives believe that and I think they are lovely people. But, I do not approve of the judging of my moral character and worth as a human being due to this one issue. There are plenty of virgins who are horrible people and plenty of non-virgins who are wonderful. One has nothing to do with the other.

[wolfie]

Word. (Or POD.) I mean, women who choose to have sex before marriage for their own deeply personal spiritual and emotional feelings have little self-esteem or self-respect? Here I thought self-esteem and self-respect were about the confidence to make your own choices, believe and act in a way that fits with how you believe, and to feel comfortable with both your choices/actions and beliefs. What those acts are has nothing to do with whether they're self-respecting or esteeming.

The comment to Amy's advice makes me "..." too. People who choose to associate sex exclusively with marriage are great. Not my boat to float but I know I'm always happy when people make their own decisions and are comfortable with 'em. But that's a far cry from suggesting that anyone who doesn't thinks of themselves as worthless and due no respect (not to mention the shade of "morally inferior" there).

If I ran across a guy who felt the opposite -- say, that women who wait are unable to think for themselves and have no self-worth -- I'd be just as disturbed. Not your body? Not your call, man.

I agree. Also virginity and self-esteem aren't exactly as connected as this guy seems to think. There are lots of virgins with low self-esteem, and people who have had sex with high self-esteem. But I did think Amy's go to a compound in the desert was a bit harsh - this guy might be heavy handed but he does walk his talk - so I have to give him some props for that.

[Fluffy Cat]

I agree. The guy in the second letter was quite rude in his letter.
I respect his belief. It takes a great deal of disipline and dedication to your believe to live that way and it is commendable IMO.  And, he certainly has every right to believe what he believes, but what he does not have the right to do judge everyone else for not believing the same thing.  That is extremely close minded and I would go so far as to say a little intolerant as well.

What does he do when he dates? Does he ask for proof of his dates purity?

Ack! Brain bleach please!

For the first one, I think I'd need more context.  For example, how does one get from "are you okay?" to "I think you're mentally unstable"?  There's probably a LOT more back story there that we're not getting.

I agree.  I wonder if perhaps the message was about her being a literal angel rather than a sweetheart.  I could see how that, especially if coupled with anything else sounding a bit delusional (I am referring literally to delusions here) could have people wondering about her mental health.

As to the second letter.  I found it judgemental too.  I have no problem with his values or his intention to date someone with those same values.  It was that one really judgemental sentence that I took offense to.  I thought Amy was quite a bit more civil than what was going on in my head.

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

I wonder if perhaps the message was about her being a literal angel rather than a sweetheart.  I could see how that, especially if coupled with anything else sounding a bit delusional (I am referring literally to delusions here) could have people wondering about her mental health.

That was my thought too - like her friend thought she was really an angel (a la Andrew or Monica from TBAA) so she decided to tell everyone, and some of them thought she might be loopy.

If someone I knew thought they were really an angel, I'd probably think they were loopy too.

[Fluffy Cat]

I'm thinking Shoo's explanation is the most likely though.  If thats what the LW did, I must say she didn't express it well in her letter.

[Allyson]

Facebook woman should probably have a better gauge of her friends', and read their walls and similar beforehand. I'd definitely think it was a bit odd if something like that got posted to me. Might say something if it was someone I knew really well, otherwise not.

I find that the 'wait for marriage' people (male and female) tend to judge women much more harshly if they don't..even have met guys who aren't virgins themselves, but want their future wife to be! It creeps me out. And this guy fit the pattern, with the 'women who have sex before marriage' not 'people'. And also...while he's entitled ot his opinion, he should realise that it's not the majority one in many places, which doesn't mean he should change his own behaviour, but if he's going to paint everyone who's had sexual activity before marriage like that...that's most of the world! It's like, I have vegetarian friends who definitely feel that it's the moral choice, but they also realise that social standards right now do dictate eating meat, so to claim most of the world is awful for doing it..yeah, rather over the top.

[baglady]

The fact that she said, "I was trying to do something loving," indicates to me that she was simply trying to pass along a sweet sentiment. But if she prefaced it with, "My friend Wendy sent me this and I wanted to share it," that *could* be interpreted as "I wanted to share it to show you how highly Wendy thinks of me" rather than "I wanted to pass it along to all the angels in *my* life."

Or even if her reasons for posting it were easier to interpret ("My friend Wendy sent me this and it reminded me of how I feel about you"), it might raise a red flag with people who weren't expecting that sort of sentimental declaration from her. Most people I know don't just come out with that sort of thing unless it's an occasion to honor the person they're addressing (birthday, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day), or they've had some sort of crisis (e.g., diagnosis of a serious illness) that has caused them to take stock of their lives and the people in it. If it's not my birthday, I'm going to be asking them if they're OK. Hopefully not in a way that makes them think I suspect they're nuts.

As for Mr. "No Non-Virgins Need Apply": I thought Amy's response was rude ("compound on the edge of the desert"? Come on. There's probably more scrabble there given the isolation and the boredom and all*), but I also think he is being harsh and judgmental. He has his reasons for wanting a virgin. Other people have just as strong reasons for not wanting to wait that have nothing to do with poor self-esteem.

*The parenthetical is a facetious statement and not intended to disparage any desert compound dwellers or imply that all such persons are promiscuous.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

I'm thinking Shoo's explanation is the most likely though.  If thats what the LW did, I must say she didn't express it well in her letter.

I have to agree with that at 1st reading and 2nd readings it sounded.

My friend Mary sent me this note..............

Cindy
thank you for such and such Blah blah blah
it meant a great deal to me Yada yada yada
Your an angel 
Mary

It sounded to me like she posted a thank you type note including her name and the name of the person who sent it to her.

Shoo explanation makes sense. Her first paragraph sound as if she posted a note saying how she the LW was an angel the last that she was posting a "your an angel poem" to all her family."

I don't think "are you ok?" would make me jump right to "are you unstable?"

If it was totally out of character , or especially weepy poem (some of those angel poems can sound suicidal) or if it was really out of place for the peoples walls ie angry political wall a child's knock knock joke would get the same reaction.