Cell Phones vs. the Person in Front of You

[MissBrit]

On Christmas Eve Kate invited me to her house for dinner and to look at the Christmas lights in her area.
After dinner Kate, myself, and Kate’s mom piled into the car and began driving around. Things were going great and Kate and I were laughing and commentating on all the houses. Then, a short while into our drive Kate’s cell phone rings and it is her bff Priscilla. Now, technically, Kate isn’t supposed to answer the phone while driving as it is against the law in our state to talk while driving, but if she doesn’t answer Priscilla will either keep calling her or leave whiny messages asking Kate why she won’t talk to her.
Kate’s answering the phone put a complete damper on looking at the Christmas lights. Kate was busy talking to Priscilla and not noticing the lights and we had to keep our voices down so Kate could hear Priscilla. Kate talked to Priscilla for a good twenty minutes and then let her talk to me for a few minutes before I hung up.
This is not the first time I have been doing something with Kate that has had to come to a stop because Priscilla has called. I can generally keep myself occupied while Kate chats with Priscilla but I am beginning to find it rude when Priscilla’s calls take precedence over Kate wanting to hang out with me. These calls last between 15-20 minutes and are usually either while she is driving to or from work or on break. I mean, even my mother will say to someone who calls when I am over, “Hey, Miss Brit is here can I call you back later?” Priscilla gets all offended if Kate won’t talk to her right there and then. One time Kate and I were in a store that doesn’t get any cell phone reception for about 20 minutes and when we came out Kate had four messages from Priscilla!
Is there anything I can say to Kate about the phone calls or perhaps Priscilla? I did say something about Christmas Eve to Kate but she didn’t have much of a response and it basically felt that it went in one ear and out the other. Is this just a lost cause? Would anyone else feel put about by this?

[Merry Mrs Martin]

  That Kate can't see how weird it is that Priscilla calls every 5 minutes till Kate answers ,  It would be normal to be annoyed with Priscilla , if Kate has this be of a blind spot to her behavior.  I don't know what you can do.

I guess you can just keep repeating " It hurt my feeling when you ignore me in favor of a phone call"

[Hawkwatcher]

I think that you are right to feel put out.  Your friend is being rude.  She also is rewarding bad behavior and risking her own safety.

 I certainly would not get into a car with Katie unless I was sure that she wasn't talking on the phone.  I think that it is also perfectly acceptable for you to leave after she has been talking for 10 minutes.  Obviously, she is busy.

[Raintree]

Of course I would be put out by this too. Just because the technology has been invented to allow a person to be reachable wherever they go, doesn't make it acceptable at all times to pick up.

Priscilla gets all offended if Kate won’t talk to her right there and then.

Well you're offended if Kate DOES talk to her right there and then, and rightly so. Why is it OK for Kate to offend the person in front of her (you) and not Priscilla? You might want to ask her that. Perhaps it's because you've been too nice up to this point. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, and all.

Priscilla sounds incredibly, pathologically, needy. But that is Kate's problem and she seems quite willing to indulge this behaviour from her friend. Nothing you can do about that, but you can do something about the way you handle Kate. I know you were stuck in the car this time, but next time you could try excusing yourself, and tell Kate that you'd be happy to get together with her when she's willing to turn off her phone, or at least put it on "silent" and deal with Priscilla later. Next time she invites you somewhere, say, "Well, to be honest, I'd love to spend time with you but every time I see you I'm left twiddling my thumbs while you talk on the phone." Perhaps she'll get the message if she realizes she's offending people to the point where they don't want to hang out with her anymore.

[sammycat]

Of course I would be put out by this too. Just because the technology has been invented to allow a person to be reachable wherever they go, doesn't make it acceptable at all times to pick up.

Priscilla gets all offended if Kate won’t talk to her right there and then.

Well you're offended if Kate DOES talk to her right there and then, and rightly so. Why is it OK for Kate to offend the person in front of her (you) and not Priscilla? You might want to ask her that. Perhaps it's because you've been too nice up to this point. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, and all.

Priscilla sounds incredibly, pathologically, needy. But that is Kate's problem and she seems quite willing to indulge this behaviour from her friend. Nothing you can do about that, but you can do something about the way you handle Kate. I know you were stuck in the car this time, but next time you could try excusing yourself, and tell Kate that you'd be happy to get together with her when she's willing to turn off her phone, or at least put it on "silent" and deal with Priscilla later. Next time she invites you somewhere, say, "Well, to be honest, I'd love to spend time with you but every time I see you I'm left twiddling my thumbs while you talk on the phone." Perhaps she'll get the message if she realizes she's offending people to the point where they don't want to hang out with her anymore.

Exactly what Raintree said.

[MissyMa'am]

Priscilla sounds very insecure and needy.  Sounds like she has to reassure herself that she is still Kate's BFF, even though Kate is hanging out with someone else at the moment.  I see it as a little bit of a power play.

I don't think there's anything you can do to stop the calls; Kate is going to have to deal with it.  If I were in your position, I would begin making my way towards the exit.  If Kate followed after me or asked me to wait, I would smile happily and say, "No, no, I'm fine; I'll just give you some privacy for your call."  And I would go home.  Repeat every time Priscilla's calls last more than, say, five minutes.  I wouldn't be PA or angry about it and if Kate called later to apologize/explain, I would just say something like, "Oh, it's fine; I'm not upset, I just saw you were busy."  By giving into Priscilla, she's being rude, and there's no reason you should have to stay and wait out their lengthy phone conversations. 

[Goog]

Yes, she's rude.  She can take the call and keep it short, like a minute or two, or she can just let it go to voicemail.  She's choosing to be held hostage to Priscilla.

OP, how often does this happen?  Every visit/outing with her? Almost every one?  Half?  Is Priscilla like this with only Kate, or with other people too?  Does Priscilla know that you're visiting or doing something with Kate, and could be intentionally calling during these times b/c she's jealous and doesn't feel left out?

If you have prearranged plans to do something and Priscilla calls during those plans, I also think you should leave after 5 minutes.  That's plenty of time for you to give her the chance to break off the call.  If you just happen to be dropping in at her house, then I think you need to give her a little more leeway, b/c there weren't any prearranged plans.  And for the record, for the foreseeable future, try to only plan things with Kate where you can make a fast getaway or where you're in control of your transportation.  Don't be dependent on her, b/c if she's going to blow you off for Priscilla's whims, then you need to be able to get away so you don't have to bow to Priscilla's whims too.

[marcel]

I am personally most disturbed by Kate, for answering the phone while driving, thus not only risking her own live, but also the live of her guests, especially since she has 2 people in the car with her that can answer the phone for her.
Off course staying on the phone for 20 minutes should be adressed by OP and PP's have given some good suggestions on how this can be done.

[kandikrisp]

I have a slightly skewed perspective of this, because this *is* normal in my group. I do think it's a generational thing. I never thought it was rude until I came on here and realized other people do, and now I look at it as more of a "know-your-audience" type thing. IMHO, being polite is about not offending the people you're with. If you know for a fact that answering the phone won't offend someone (as in my group), then while it's rude from an outsiders perspective, you're not offending anyone in your group, and to me that's what's really important. (Though I realize this is an etiquette board, so I know I'm probably alone in saying that it can be acceptable at times.)

However, that's not the situation in the OP. There has been once or twice where I realized I was with someone who *would* get offended, so I'd pick up the phone and say, "I can't talk right now, can I call you back later?". If I didn't, I'm sure the person I was with would have tapped me on the arm and whispered, "You know, I was really enjoying spending time with you. If your call's important, I can come back later. If not, do you think it would be possible to call PersonOnThePhone when we're done?"

I've also been like Priscilla and *had* to talk now, but from the OP, this isn't a one-time-thing. I'd have given Kate more credit here if Priscilla was someone who would usually understand, but was in the middle of something big that she needed to talk to her best friend about. Since it's some that seems to be a common occurance, I think it may be time for Kate to set up a system. Something along the lines of, "If I don't pick up the first time, only call back if it's an emergency. If not, leave a message and I'll get back to you ASAP."

Though I'm not sure it would work with Priscilla, I feel like it's time for Kate to set up some boundaries in their rel@tionship. This is coming from someone who sees no topic of discussion as something that you can't talk to your best friends about, and would drop anything if my friends needed me, but this would get to even me. Is it possible that Kate is getting tired of Pricilla, too, but is afraid to do anything about it?

As for the talking while driving thing, I'm far, far less alarmed by this than texting while driving. It's not safe, but I'd much, much rather a form of communication used while driving that used ears and one hand only over the "Drive with your knees, hands on the phone, eyes going back and forth" type method. I understand the legalities, but since this isn't a legal board, I figured I'd speak from personal experience there.

[kherbert05]

I agree with the poster that suggested you have a predetermined time limit. Tell Kate "I'm sick of having to put my activities on hold for Priscilla. If you talk to her for longer than X* minutes, I will be leaving to go about my business." Then make sure your never stuck waiting for Kate because she is your ride, and follow through. Kate might continue to choose Priscilla over you, or she might see what catering to Priscilla is going to cost her and put the breaks on. Right now you both are allowing Priscilla to control you.

*I would make X less than five. All Kate should say is "Priscilla, I'm busy and can't talk. I will call you back when I'm done. Then answer one more time when she pesters and say "Priscilla, I told you I would call when I'm done - I am upset with your pestering I'll call you tomorrow do not call me again between now and then or I'll add another day. After that Kate should not answer another call from Priscilla.

[kschmid5]

I would offer to answer Kate's phone while she's driving. 

"Kate, since you're driving, let me answer your phone and take a message. It's just not safe for you to drive and talk at the same time, especially (at night, with this weather, etc)."

Then, when it's Priscilla, you can tell Priscilla that Kate is driving, and that you're sure that she'll call Priscilla right back once you're all out of the car.  Ask if there is a message Priscilla would like you to tell Kate.  When she demands to talk to Kate, say "that won't be possible, since she's driving. But I'll make sure she calls you back as soon as possible."

Then when you and Kate get out of the car, you can tell Kate that you'll be waiting inside the cafe or the house when she's done talking to Priscilla, but that you're not interested in listening to Kate cater to Priscilla's needs constantly, so she should only come inside if she's willing to spend time with you.

[Vilandra]

I have a slightly skewed perspective of this, because this *is* normal in my group. I do think it's a generational thing. I never thought it was rude until I came on here and realized other people do, and now I look at it as more of a "know-your-audience" type thing.

I disagree that it's a generational thing--I'm 24, and find it to be incredibly rude.  I don't think it's rude to answer the phone, and I don't think it's rude to chitchat for a minute.  But unless it's an emergency, I think you tell the person you'll call them back.  Staying on the phone indicates that you'd rather chat with them then spend time with me.

But I do agree with you that it's a know-your-audience thing--if your group is fine with it, then no worries.

A slightly different situation, but I had a guy in one of my grad classes who begged me to meet with him after class on evening and help him prep for the test.  He begged and pleaded, and I told him I could meet with him for half an hour, but that was it, as I was incredibly busy.  During the session, his phone rang several times, and he let it go to voicemail.  After the third time, he said 'I'm going to take this call quickly,' and I was fine with it.  Quickly turned into two minutes, turned into five...at which point I started to gather my things.  He panicked, covered the phone, and said 'You're leaving?  Why?!'  I told him that a, the half-hour was up, and b, I had already told him my time was in very short supply, and he clearly didn't respect that.

[Genna]

Your friend was breathtakingly rude to you.  You don't ignore the people who are with you to take a phone call that can wait until later and you especially do not take that call while driving tons of metal and glass on the road.

Tell her it hurts your feelings and if she keeps doing it and driving while on the phone, find a better caliber of friend.  Real friends don't ignore their guests to talk with other people in front of them while driving down the road and therein endangering their personal safety all at the same time. 

Does no one understand the concept of "I can't talk right now, I'll call you later"?  The phone call should have gone direct to voicemail, since your friend was driving.  I might even suggest here that the phone could have been turned, *gasp*, OFF for the evening's activities.

[artk2002]

This really isn't about the technology.  It's about a whiny, insecure person and the friend who caters to their insecurity, while ignoring their immediate companion.  In the 50s, this would be happening at Kate's house and Priscilla would be dropping by every day, even if MissBrit were already there.  Kate would let her in because otherwise she would whine.  The technology just lets Kate enable Priscilla faster and more frequently and anywhere.

[Amava]

This really isn't about the technology.  It's about a whiny, insecure person and the friend who caters to their insecurity, while ignoring their immediate companion.  In the 50s, this would be happening at Kate's house and Priscilla would be dropping by every day, even if MissBrit were already there.  Kate would let her in because otherwise she would whine.  The technology just lets Kate enable Priscilla faster and more frequently and anywhere.

This is indeed not about the technology, it is about people failing to use the technology without become a slave to it!
My cell phone has this very handy button: it says "off". Enough said.

It's indeed, also about people enabling their friend's neediness and insecurity. How is Priscilla going to learn to be emotionally self-sufficient if Kate jumps every time she calls? Kate needs to learn the line "I am busy, I will speak to you later!".