Toxic Family Christmas Present Thank You Note-To Give or Not to Give?

[ehellion]

So, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions. My Dh has cut off contact with his toxic parents (long story.) The gist is that they never really had alot to do with our toddler son to begin with. They sure liked to torment DH and me. But now that we've had no contact for a couple of years, they send an Easter card and a Christmas gift card every year to our son.

The first year of our falling out, I sent them a simple basic thank you for the gift card for my toddler son. Then they did a bunch more mean hateful crap, so the second year I didn't send them a thank you. (I know, probably bad, but what can I say. These peope are hateful.)

This year I've received another gift card for my son for Christmas. We haven't spoken or anything for a long time now, but I suppose that's besides the point. What do I do? Son is too young to write a thank you. I was thinking of having him draw (scribble) a picture and mail it to them, but they'd somehow see that as an attack or something against them. What should I do? What would you do? What's the etiquette for dealing with toxic people that you don't even have anything to do with, that never really had anything to do with you, their son and grandson except do/say toxic and mean things to until you cut them off? Ignore it? Thank them?

Suggestions, please? Thanks so much!

[Clara Bow]

Send the note. If they show their tails, ask them to refrain from contacting your family in any way in the future and tell them that you will no longer be accepting any gifts as they have caused nothing but grief. That may not be the world's greatest advice, but there is no reason for you to allow these people to jerk you around. Give them one more chance to be decent, then let it be done with.

[MineralDiva]

I would also send a thank-you.  When your son is old enough, he can write his own.  But until then, it's up to you.  Keep it to the basics and be done with it.

Yes, they may be toxic.  But that doesn't trump good manners on your part.  If they get too out of hand, you can politely tell them to go to E-Hell, in a way that won't reserve you a seat right next to them.

[sammycat]

Would you consider just marking any mail from them "return to sender"?  Would that give them the hint that you don't want anything to do with them or would that make the situation even worse?

[Bethalize]

Yes, they may be toxic.  But that doesn't trump good manners on your part. 

I disagree. Self-protection comes above good manners. However, we eHellions strive to remain good mannered for as long as possible even in the face of toxic families :-)

[willow08]

I wouldn't respond even if it is sort of rude not to send a gift. These people are sending you something out of the goodness of their hearts. They're trying to manipulate you. Responding to them only opens the channels of communication, which is obviously not a healthy thing.

[Alida]

Send a very simple thank you.  There's no need to be overly effusive, just a quick note will do.

[Suze]

thank you for the gift card (he bought a <insert toy here>)

sign son's name

Mail

Ignore any thing that follows

[gjcva1]

yes, i would send a note for this year's gift card (Suze's example would be perfect) simply because YOU know it is the right thing to do.

and if history repeats itself, and this causes more sludge to be shoveled in your direction by these people, next time an envelope arrives from them for your son, return it unopened and forget all about it, and them.  lather, rinse, repeat.

[veryfluffy]

Essentially, the gift is for your son, not for you. So the reasonable thing to do would be for you, since your son can't yet write, to send a note on his behalf (imagine you are his private secretary!):

"Son has asked me to convey his most sincere thanks for your very thoughtful gift card. It was used to purchase (insert), which he greatly enjoys."

Although you may wish to cut off contact between your son and his grandparents, that might backfire on you in the long run.

[bopper]

Seems like most toxics are narcissists.  If that is the case:

If you do send a thank you:
1) They get some contact from you.  They may think that is enough to resume a relationship or it keeps hope alive.  It gives them some narcissistic supply.

If you don't send a thank you:
1) Would they call to see if you got the gift?  Use caller id and do not answer.
2) Would they get annoyed and stop sending gifts?

If you send the gift back:
1) They would be martyrs...oh my son won't even accept gifts.  More narcissistic supply.

I think I would not send a thank you as they are trying to maintain a relationship and you are not interested.  You can either keep the gift or donate it to Toys for Tots.

[BurninDinner]

I say ignore it and them, if they are that bad.  Either mark it "return to sender" or throw it away.  No point in buying something and thinking of them every time you use it.

[freakyfemme]

Have your son draw the picture and dictate a thank-you note.  That way, it's really from him, you will have just performed the mechanics of physically WRITING the note, which his little hands have yet to master.

[Pixie]

A simple, "Thank you for the gift" and signed with your son's name is all you  "need" to send.   To do otherwise could cause you to feel guilty, and life is too short for guilt.    May I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy new year?   I do hope your holidays are joyous.

[ehellion]

Have your son draw the picture and dictate a thank-you note.  That way, it's really from him, you will have just performed the mechanics of physically WRITING the note, which his little hands have yet to master.

This is what I originally wanted to do. Have him draw (scribble, lol) a picture. ANYTHING I send will be seen as some kind of stab at them. So I was wondering what the lesser of two evils would be. We don't talk at all and haven't for some time. Funny, they never used to send cards or gifts before the falling out, lol.