Toxic Family Christmas Present Thank You Note-To Give or Not to Give?

[ehellion]

A simple, "Thank you for the gift" and signed with your son's name is all you  "need" to send.   To do otherwise could cause you to feel guilty, and life is too short for guilt.    May I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy new year?   I do hope your holidays are joyous.

And a Merry Christmas and happy New Year to you, too! Thanks so much!

[ShadesOfGrey]

um, perhaps I am misunderstanding something here, but didnt you say you had cut of contact with them? Why are you accepting gifts from them then? Why are you allowing them contact with your son? I am not sure I fully understand.  

If you are ok with them having contact with your son, then they should understand that he is too young to write a thank you.  I disagree that it is your responsibility to take that task over for your son (it sounds like you are treating him as an independent person, rather than a part of your family unit by allowing him contact with these pople, so then he needs to respond as an independent unit).  I dont mean any of this harshly- just matter of factly.  (I also think if you have broken contact with them, you should also break contact with them for your son.  But I dont know the whole situation).  

My vote is dont send the thank you.

[ehellion]

Seems like most toxics are narcissists.  If that is the case:

If you do send a thank you:
1) They get some contact from you.  They may think that is enough to resume a relationship or it keeps hope alive.  It gives them some narcissistic supply.

If you don't send a thank you:
1) Would they call to see if you got the gift?  Use caller id and do not answer.
2) Would they get annoyed and stop sending gifts?

If you send the gift back:
1) They would be martyrs...oh my son won't even accept gifts.  More narcissistic supply.

I think I would not send a thank you as they are trying to maintain a relationship and you are not interested.  You can either keep the gift or donate it to Toys for Tots.

LOL! Your post cracked me up because it's so true! They never call to see if we got the gift (we haven't spoken in years) and unfortunately they don't seem to get too annoyed to not send my son a gift. I wish they would. Trust me when I say these people are nuts.  

[freakyfemme]

um, perhaps I am misunderstanding something here, but didnt you say you had cut of contact with them? Why are you accepting gifts from them then? Why are you allowing them contact with your son? I am not sure I fully understand.  

If you are ok with them having contact with your son, then they should understand that he is too young to write a thank you.  I disagree that it is your responsibility to take that task over for your son (it sounds like you are treating him as an independent person, rather than a part of your family unit by allowing him contact with these pople, so then he needs to respond as an independent unit).  I dont mean any of this harshly- just matter of factly.  (I also think if you have broken contact with them, you should also break contact with them for your son.  But I dont know the whole situation).  

My vote is dont send the thank you.

But, if the OP was merely transcribing a note dictated by her son, then wouldn't that still count as the son "responding as an independent unit," to the extent of his (pre-literate) abilities?  Also, isn't it important to teach children to write thank-you notes while they're young?

[ZipTheWonder]

I would send a thank you note, in whatever form you choose to send it.  Hand-drawn by your son, written by you, whatever.  

Then, sometime after the holiday has passed, if you are seriously interesting in discontinuing contact, write them a brief letter simply stating that you are no longer interested in a relationship and that they are to discontinue contacting you or your son.  No explanation, no equivocating, just 'this is our decision, you must respect it.'  Then, return future gifts or cards.  If anyone inquires, you say "There were some hurtful things said and done and we aren't in contact anymore."  No blaming, no drama, just matter-of-fact.

It sounds like you are still deciding whether you want to try to work things out...so that is something you need to settle in your mind first and foremost.

[ehellion]

um, perhaps I am misunderstanding something here, but didnt you say you had cut of contact with them? Why are you accepting gifts from them then? Why are you allowing them contact with your son? I am not sure I fully understand.  

If you are ok with them having contact with your son, then they should understand that he is too young to write a thank you.  I disagree that it is your responsibility to take that task over for your son (it sounds like you are treating him as an independent person, rather than a part of your family unit by allowing him contact with these pople, so then he needs to respond as an independent unit).  I dont mean any of this harshly- just matter of factly.  (I also think if you have broken contact with them, you should also break contact with them for your son.  But I dont know the whole situation).  

My vote is dont send the thank you.

No, you're not misunderstanding at all. We (Me, Dh and son) have not had ANY contact with them in a couple of years. They never cared about my son or really sent him anything until we broke off contact with them. Now I think they send stuff to make a point (maybe to guilt me for not bringing son around to see them?)

The first year of our falling out I had already bought them Chrismtas presents, so I mailed them. They in return mailed son something. I sent a basic thank you.

The second year I was so disgusted with them and their antics, that I didn't send them a thank you when they sent son a gift card. However, I sent Dh's sister (who lives with them due to her cerebral palsey) a thank you. She had sent a separate gift.

Here we are, another year gone by. Haven't talked to them, don't care to. If I send the card back, I'm opening a can of worms. If I keep it, I'm opening a can of worms. No matter what I do, it's a lose lose situation. Now we don't care, as we don't socialize with DH's family anymore. But I figure if they want to send son a gift card for a toy, fine. But what I was wondering was if I should ignore it like I did last year or be polite and send a thank you.

I see the board here is kind of mixed, lol. I think I may just ignore it like I did last year, as we have had NO contact with them in awhile. None. But we do stay in contact with DH's sister who lives with them, which makes things kind of sticky, as the gift card this year was from her, too. *sigh* I guess my situation is a bit complicated. I may have to stew on this for awhile.

[ehellion]

I would send a thank you note, in whatever form you choose to send it.  Hand-drawn by your son, written by you, whatever.  

Then, sometime after the holiday has passed, if you are seriously interesting in discontinuing contact, write them a brief letter simply stating that you are no longer interested in a relationship and that they are to discontinue contacting you or your son.  No explanation, no equivocating, just 'this is our decision, you must respect it.'  Then, return future gifts or cards.  If anyone inquires, you say "There were some hurtful things said and done and we aren't in contact anymore."  No blaming, no drama, just matter-of-fact.

It sounds like you are still deciding whether you want to try to work things out...so that is something you need to settle in your mind first and foremost.

No, we haven't had any contact with them in a couple of years, except that first year when I sent them a brief thank you. They send DH a birthday card (he throws it away) son an Easter card and a Christmas gift card. We send them nothing. No calls, no notes, nothing.

What's funny is they never did this before we had our falling out. DH has already decided he wants nothing to do with them, but he sees nothing wrong with keeping the gift card. Maybe I should just do what DH wants, right? And send no thank you? I have to think about this for awhile.

[Tabris]

Most party stores will have thank-you notes for very young children.  They are preprinted and look like this:

Dear _____________,

Thank you for the _______________.  I liked it a lot.

Sincerely,

__________

I loathe the things. I detest them utterly. Until I read your post, I thought they had no purpose, but now I see I was wrong. This is perfect for your situation as it completely expresses a "canned" sentiment and only very tangentially could it be construed as "contact" between you and them.

[ehellion]

Most party stores will have thank-you notes for very young children.  They are preprinted and look like this:

Dear _____________,

Thank you for the _______________.  I liked it a lot.

Sincerely,

__________

I loathe the things. I detest them utterly. Until I read your post, I thought they had no purpose, but now I see I was wrong. This is perfect for your situation as it completely expresses a "canned" sentiment and only very tangentially could it be construed as "contact" between you and them.

LOL! Wow, I never even considered that before. Thanks for the idea. Who would've thought those preprinted thoughtless cards actually had a purpose, lol?

[ShadesOfGrey]

But, if the OP was merely transcribing a note dictated by her son, then wouldn't that still count as the son "responding as an independent unit," to the extent of his (pre-literate) abilities?  Also, isn't it important to teach children to write thank-you notes while they're young?

I guess my point was that if she cut of contact, IMO her young son shouldnt have contact with them either, and it sounds like these guys might be being manipulative/spiteful by sending a gift to her son (which is VERY rude in my opinion), especially if they KNOW she has cut off contact with them and why and never sent a gift before then.  So if he doesnt receive the gift, then no thank you note is in order (I also think it is more important to teach children to set boundaries when their young and it sounds like this is one situation where the OP needs to do that [OT- but I think this one of many reasons why people feel that saying NO is rude, when it's not actually]. 

OP - I know it's a tough situation, but you have to stick by your guns (whatever they are) and let the chips fall where they may.  Dont take other people's actions on as your responsibility to respond to/feel badly or guilty about.  You know my opinion - no gift and no thank you (especially if you open a can of worms either way!), but whatever you decide to do, I hope your family has a peaceful holiday.

[ehellion]

But, if the OP was merely transcribing a note dictated by her son, then wouldn't that still count as the son "responding as an independent unit," to the extent of his (pre-literate) abilities?  Also, isn't it important to teach children to write thank-you notes while they're young?

I guess my point was that if she cut of contact, IMO her young son shouldnt have contact with them either, and it sounds like these guys might be being manipulative/spiteful by sending a gift to her son (which is VERY rude in my opinion), especially if they KNOW she has cut off contact with them and why and never sent a gift before then.  So if he doesnt receive the gift, then no thank you note is in order (I also think it is more important to teach children to set boundaries when their young and it sounds like this is one situation where the OP needs to do that [OT- but I think this one of many reasons why people feel that saying NO is rude, when it's not actually]. 

OP - I know it's a tough situation, but you have to stick by your guns (whatever they are) and let the chips fall where they may.  Dont take other people's actions on as your responsibility to respond to/feel badly or guilty about.  You know my opinion - no gift and no thank you (especially if you open a can of worms either way!), but whatever you decide to do, I hope your family has a peaceful holiday.

Thank you very much for responding! May you have a great holiday, too! 

[ZipTheWonder]

DH has already decided he wants nothing to do with them, but he sees nothing wrong with keeping the gift card. Maybe I should just do what DH wants, right? And send no thank you? I have to think about this for awhile.

I would think long and hard about accepting a gift card from them if your decision is to discontinue all contact.   The message that you send if you accept the gift, whether you contact them to thank them or not, is that you are open to them contacting you.  You have, if you have accepted the gift, accepted their contact. 

It really just is inappropriate to accept gifts from people for whom you have no affection and with whom the relationship has been terminated.  I apologize for earlier suggesting you accept the gift and thank them properly, because somehow I wasn't clear that you had already terminated them.

[ehellion]

DH has already decided he wants nothing to do with them, but he sees nothing wrong with keeping the gift card. Maybe I should just do what DH wants, right? And send no thank you? I have to think about this for awhile.

I would think long and hard about accepting a gift card from them if your decision is to discontinue all contact.   The message that you send if you accept the gift, whether you contact them to thank them or not, is that you are open to them contacting you.  You have, if you have accepted the gift, accepted their contact. 

It really just is inappropriate to accept gifts from people for whom you have no affection and with whom the relationship has been terminated.  I apologize for earlier suggesting you accept the gift and thank them properly, because somehow I wasn't clear that you had already terminated them.

So you think no thank you and no keeping the gift? Even if it's signed by SIL who we DO keep in contact with (she lived with them)? (Confusing, eh?) I usually thank her....Of course DH has limited contact with her too because his parents try to use her to get to us. I'm getting a headache thinking about all this etiquette stuff, lol.

[ShadesOfGrey]

If SIL signs, to me it's just like sending your son a gift after you have broken off contact.  If you have an ok relationship with her, she will understand your refusal.  Perhaps she can send her own gift or card as she has before?  I understand this may be difficult for her to do with her physical limitations, so it makes it sticky, but hopefully she will understand or you guys can find a work-around solution...

[ehellion]

If SIL signs, to me it's just like sending your son a gift after you have broken off contact.  If you have an ok relationship with her, she will understand your refusal.  Perhaps she can send her own gift or card as she has before?  I understand this may be difficult for her to do with her physical limitations, so it makes it sticky, but hopefully she will understand or you guys can find a work-around solution...

Thanks for your suggestion.

Thanks everyone for responding. I truly appreciate all the input.