Ugh... family gifts

[Alida]

Every year, we go through the same thing.  I go crazy trying to find the perfect gifts for my husband's side of the family (okay, I enjoy that part of it ), but there's never any consideration in what is sent to our family.  Is it wrong of me to want to just throw my hands up and call it done?

This year, I spent hours sorting through photos of my husband and his sisters and their families and uploading them to a digital photo frame for my mother in law and her husband (cost: $140 plus a day's worth of work). I was so thrilled with what we sent and I hope they enjoy it, I even set it up so all they have to do is plug it in and the photos will begin.

What did they send?  Mom sent food stuff (we know, the dog went crazy when we put the packages under the tree).  Cookies.  Candy.  Snacks.  Would almost be thoughtful if her son wasn't diabetic! 

I guess it just frustrates me to try to make sure things are perfect, but a health issue is ignored.  I'd almost rather they didn't bother sending anything, since what I 'hear' is "your family isn't worth the time to actually bother looking for anything that might actually be suitable."  His mom can't claim senility - she's only in her early 60s and she's done this all the years that he and I have been married. 

Am I wrong to be unhappy?

[sammycat]

No, I don't think you're wrong to be unhappy.  I know gift giving is meant to more focused on the giving than the receiving but sometimes it hurts when it seems that the other party doesn't appear to be putting any effort into it. 

The evil side of me says that maybe in future you could just give them food baskets in return seeing as your in-laws consider them the perfect gift.  Have you mentioned to your in-laws that your husband can't eat some/any of the foods that you receive?

[blue2000]

I'd almost rather they didn't bother sending anything, since what I 'hear' is "your family isn't worth the time to actually bother looking for anything that might actually be suitable."  His mom can't claim senility - she's only in her early 60s and she's done this all the years that he and I have been married. 

Am I wrong to be unhappy?

No, that's perfectly understandable. It's the thought that counts. And they obviously were not thinking of you when they bought these things.

[Clara Bow]

I always get "goat-gifts"....I know I shouldn't be ill about it, but I hunt every year for the perfect gifts and I get a little hacked when I get "dash in and grab" presents...I shouldn't but I do a little...it's human...

[Alida]

Have you mentioned to your in-laws that your husband can't eat some/any of the foods that you receive?

They already know. That's what annoys me so much.

[Alida]

I always get "goat-gifts"....I know I shouldn't be ill about it, but I hunt every year for the perfect gifts and I get a little hacked when I get "dash in and grab" presents...I shouldn't but I do a little...it's human...

Goat-gifts.  I have to remember that term! 

Just once, I'd like for DH's family to act like they care.  Ah, well.  This is why DH feels closer to my parents.  I just feel bad for him.

[fklwmn]

Okay... i have a few questions for you...

1. Are you disappointed because they don't put the SAME time/money/thought into your gift that you put into theirs, or just that they don't bother to put any time/money/thought into it at all? 

2. Would you be equally disappointed in their gift, regardless of what you sent them?

3. How much of a good feeling to you draw from giving them something truly meaningful and thoughtful?

4. Would you feel better or worse about your gift to them if you skipped all their effort and sent them something easy and thoughtless?

5. Are they truly thoughtless, or just clueless abuot what kind of gift you would treasure so they default to something easy?

6. Is it possible they don't completely understand DH's dietary restrictions?


Would you be awful to forego the time and effort next year? Absolutely not. But you mention how much pleasure you draw from finding the perfect gift and imagining (and hopefully hearing) how much they appreciate it. I am the same way. I love to get presents, but the majority of my joy comes at Christmas is seeing the reactions that people have to the gifts I have thoughtfully picked out/put together for them. I might be unhappy at a thoughtless gift, but I'd be cheating myself if I reciprocated in kind. Just something to think about.

I'd tell them how much you appreciate the gift, but since it's a medical issue, I'd clue them in on the fact that DH can't enjoy much of what they send. And maybe for future Christmases, put some effort into letting them know exactly what kind of gifts would really hit the mark. With gentle hints, of course. I like to do this by exclaiming how much I love something but lamenting that I can't justify buying it formyself - especially at Christmas. I might even throw in that I'm hoping I can find one on sale after Christmas, lol.

[Alida]

1. Are you disappointed because they don't put the SAME time/money/thought into your gift that you put into theirs, or just that they don't bother to put any time/money/thought into it at all? 

I'm disappointed that they don't put any thought into it at all.  I don't care about the money, but the saying, "It's the thought that counts" holds here.

2. Would you be equally disappointed in their gift, regardless of what you sent them?

Cookies and candy for my diabetic DH, her own son?  Yes, I would be.

3. How much of a good feeling to you draw from giving them something truly meaningful and thoughtful?

I enjoy giving something meaningful and thoughtful.  As I said in my original note, I enjoy that part of it all.

4. Would you feel better or worse about your gift to them if you skipped all their effort and sent them something easy and thoughtless?

I would still send the gifts we do.  I'd rather they didn't send us anything than send something so inappropriate.

5. Are they truly thoughtless, or just clueless abuot what kind of gift you would treasure so they default to something easy?

Seventeen years of being a member of this family tells me it's thoughtless.  This is the same woman who sends my DD (a tomboy) dolls and frilly clothing, even knowing DD despises such things.  At least DD always thanks her grandmother properly, we ensure that.  And then my other niece, on my side of the family, receives the gift.

6. Is it possible they don't completely understand DH's dietary restrictions?

It's been discussed many times, they definitely understand.

I'd tell them how much you appreciate the gift, but since it's a medical issue, I'd clue them in on the fact that DH can't enjoy much of what they send. And maybe for future Christmases, put some effort into letting them know exactly what kind of gifts would really hit the mark

We already do, but I also don't want to "hint" at gifts.  I was thinking more along the lines of, "Mom, we know you're so busy, really - don't worry about Christmas gifts any more."

[Eastsider]

I don't have any advice here just sympathy.  For Christmas we sent my DH's parents handmade sweatshirts with their grandkids names and a picture for each cooresponding to their interests (ie for my MIL each kids name was in a flower).  They sent us a check in a non-Christmas card.  Now I realize that is useful, but it hurts that they never put thought into buying anything for either DH or our kids.  In fact, our twins are 2.5 years old and they have only gotten one gift from these grandparent's when they were newborns.  I just end up feeling sad for my DH who has always been pretty neglected by his parent's because he is the "good" one. 

[BurninDinner]

I have two thoughts.  First, it's pretty obvious Christmas gifts mean more to you than your in-laws.  It works that way in my family too.  However, I decided to cut back my gift-picking/making for them.

Second, if they've been this way for 17 years, why are you expecting them to change now?  Shouldn't you be expecting them to send something inappropriate?

How does your husband feel about all this?  Is this a change from when he was a kid?

[Alida]

First, it's pretty obvious Christmas gifts mean more to you than your in-laws

No, actually, it's not pretty obvious, since this goes far beyond Christmas gifts and extends into daily life.

Second, if they've been this way for 17 years, why are you expecting them to change now? 

I never said I was expecting them to change.  I was asking if it was wrong of me to be unhappy about it.

How does your husband feel about all this?  Is this a change from when he was a kid?

It hurts him.  Then again, he's the only child they have (the only boy of 4 children) whose birthday was ever forgotten.

[Alida]

I just end up feeling sad for my DH who has always been pretty neglected by his parent's because he is the "good" one. 

Exactly!  I feel sad for DH, as you do for yours - I wish I could understand why some people's parents act like that.

[BurninDinner]

I'm on your side.  But I'm thinking it may be healthier to back off and set some boundaries so you don't end up feeling sad/angry/hurt every year.  It can't be good for your family.

[Alida]

I'm just glad they live halfway across the country!  It makes it so much easier to set boundaries

[Thipu1]

Family gifts are never perfect.  It's just a law of nature. 

Mr. Thipu and I told his sister that we didn't want anything this year. What did we find in the package room last week?  A huge box of cheese, salami, jam and wild rice.

We like cheese.  We can easily get any kind we want in the neighborhood.  We like salami in small doses.  We made it a point to tell Mr. Thipu's sister that we really don't need the big logs she sends.  The jam is welcome but the wild rice?  We've got six pounds of the stuff in our cupboard.  We eat it and enjoy it but there are limits. 

Just this week we opened a package from a relative we cut off years ago because she was spamming me.  It seems that all is forgiven on her side.  She sent us a Christmas gift of amazing ugliness. 

It's a leaded, stained-glass lamp in the form of a butterfly with partially furled wings.  The thing has antennae to be unfolded.  The lamp stands on a faux-brass base that we suppose is intended to be a rose bush.  Let's put it this way, if a pet passed something that looks like that base  we would immediately make an appointment with the Vet.

Mr. Thipu and I don't really care that much about gifts.  We're in the phase of our lives in which we'd prefer to start dropping impedimentia rather than amassing more stuff.  A card, a call would be quite enough for us.  Why can't we get that message across to our relatives?