Ugh... family gifts

[Tabris]

You're not wrong to be unhappy any more than you could be wrong to be thirsty.  The question is whether you decide it's worth doing anything about this.

You might want to wait until after the holidays and then suggest to his parents that for financial reasons you would like not to exchange gifts any longer. They might be relieved.

My MIL gives me absolutely generic gifts because she has no idea who I am. In her mind, I'm just her son's wife, and because she's been so enwrapped in her own neuroses, she knows nothing about me. My gifts from her always come from the "holiday gift" rack at the front entrance of WalMart.

My husband received a really generic and expensive gift from his father once. It was nice, but it wasn't *him*, it was just like his dad was watching QVC and bought something because he was running out of time. It stung him. And it hurts me, on the sidelines, watching my husband attempting to like this thing his father sent him.

So honestly? I'd be proactive with them and discontinue giving the gifts. If you want, you could even say, "We fully understand the thought you put into our gift, but because DH couldn't eat any of the candy or cookies, due to his serious medical condition, we donated it to a local food pantry. They were very glad to have it, of course, but we felt it would be better just to discontinue exchanging gifts."

[Hawkwatcher]

Every year, we go through the same thing.  I go crazy trying to find the perfect gifts for my husband's side of the family (okay, I enjoy that part of it ), but there's never any consideration in what is sent to our family.  Is it wrong of me to want to just throw my hands up and call it done?

This year, I spent hours sorting through photos of my husband and his sisters and their families and uploading them to a digital photo frame for my mother in law and her husband (cost: $140 plus a day's worth of work). I was so thrilled with what we sent and I hope they enjoy it, I even set it up so all they have to do is plug it in and the photos will begin.

What did they send?  Mom sent food stuff (we know, the dog went crazy when we put the packages under the tree).  Cookies.  Candy.  Snacks.  Would almost be thoughtful if her son wasn't diabetic! 

I guess it just frustrates me to try to make sure things are perfect, but a health issue is ignored.  I'd almost rather they didn't bother sending anything, since what I 'hear' is "your family isn't worth the time to actually bother looking for anything that might actually be suitable."  His mom can't claim senility - she's only in her early 60s and she's done this all the years that he and I have been married. 

Am I wrong to be unhappy?

If you wanted to be evil, you could claim that you ate all the food because your poor husband could not have any of it and it is "wrong" to throw out food. If your MIL thinks that you were the one who benefitted from the gift, she might be more thoughtful about what she gives your husband in the future.

On a more serious note, has your husband ever discussed his health issues with his parents?  I am assuming that your husband developed diabetes as an adult and his doctors have placed him on a more restrictive diet to control his diabetes.  His mother may remember when he could eat whatever he wanted and may refuse to acknowledge that things have changed.  If he explains his medical condition to her, it might force her to face the reality of his situation.

[bopper]

You like to put a lot of thought and effort into picking the right gift.  Clearly his side of the family does not have that priority.  You cannot make them, either.

I would leave the gift giving for his side of the family to your husband.  That way you don't have to give up exchanging presents, but you won't get so frustrated.

[Alida]

If you wanted to be evil, you could claim that you ate all the food because your poor husband could not have any of it and it is "wrong" to throw out food. If your MIL thinks that you were the one who benefitted from the gift, she might be more thoughtful about what she gives your husband in the future.

LOL!  That actually wouldn't bother her at all. 

On a more serious note, has your husband ever discussed his health issues with his parents?  I am assuming that your husband developed diabetes as an adult and his doctors have placed him on a more restrictive diet to control his diabetes.  His mother may remember when he could eat whatever he wanted and may refuse to acknowledge that things have changed.  If he explains his medical condition to her, it might force her to face the reality of his situation.

Oh, his mother knows about his diabetes (and that I'm losing weight and that we don't keep a lot of junk food in the house).  Maybe she's trying to provide DD with her chemical and sugar allowance for the year?

[Alida]

I would leave the gift giving for his side of the family to your husband.  That way you don't have to give up exchanging presents, but you won't get so frustrated.

I did that for his sisters this year, but only because he said he found something he wanted so badly to give them all... Thank goodness they'll know he's responsible for the t-shirts that read: "I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister."

He thinks it's just a great shirt for each of them.  I told him to get ready for blistered ears.  I'm just going to chuckle and say, "Told you so!"

[leaf_eater]

Ha! I can commiserate. Today we received a large box of homemade cookies, cake, candies from in-law. Since I'm vegan, I can eat none of it. It's way more than one person can - or should! - eat so we'll have to bring it to holiday gatherings or work to get rid of it. It's the first year she's done this and it clearly represents a lot of effort. While she knows about my dietary restrictions, they are out of state and we rarely see them, so it's entirely possible she didn't think it through. Still, I feel a bit, umm, "left out"  of this gift.

[heathert]

I always find it interesting when people, women in particular, feel they have to justify their feelings.  I can't imagine anyone being happy with the "present" situation you and your dh have, but your feelings are your feelings.  It sounds like you are doing the best you can, so relax. 

Heather   

[Balletmom]

I really can't understand why something so obvious as diabetes restrictions wouldn't be noted by gift-givers.
My daughter said her science teacher passed out Ferrer Rocher candy in her class...noting that the same person who gave them to her, KNEW she was diabetic. The teacher was not happy. The students were, however. 

On the vegan issue, it is probably hard for people to understand the differences between vegetarian and vegan. I'm not sure I'd send ANY kind of food gift to someone if they had specific food needs--but that one sounds more like well-meant ignorance, not deliberate apathy.

My FIL is physically and mentally disabled from a stroke. We send him food gifts, but we try to make sure that some of his special needs are addressed--I passed up a Jelly Belly dispenser because of swallowing issues. I might be wrong, but I'd rather not push the issue. My MIL would definitely take offense.  So we stay safe with fresh fruits.

There is a certain point with "gifts" where the recipient is justified in saying, politely, that the gift is unsuitable for reasonable concerns. When the giver doesn't respond in the same spirit, you know there's more than a little bit of passive aggressive poking going on.

[Venus193]

There are definitely some toxic family issues here.  Nothing like the winter holidays for bringing them on.

If your inlaws were informed about your DH's dietary issues and choose to ignore them, this is saying that they are either in denial or they do not regard your DH with respect.  I would also vote for suggesting that you stop exchanging gifts with them.  That might be the only way to stop this.

[dlws92]

Second, if they've been this way for 17 years, why are you expecting them to change now? 

I never said I was expecting them to change.  I was asking if it was wrong of me to be unhappy about it.

On the old forum there was a topic I participated in about bad reactions to gifts...and I mentioned how my SIL found fault with almost every gift we'd ever gotten them.   So, in this thread I'd like to take the "devil's advocate" position as evidently, I'm guilty of buying thoughtless gifts.

1)  It's never wrong to feel anything.  You don't like the gift, that's fine.  But attributing thoughtlessness to malice isn't helpful.  It might be more useful to shrug your shoulders and take the gift to work/church/a holiday party as a hostess gift.  By thinking its because your MIL doesn't care about her son, its taking away from your peace and joy this holiday season.  Do you really want that?

2)  I'm not a huge shopper and I don't like putting together elaborate gifts.  I'm not the only one.  For people I know (friends, close family members) I know enough about them to get them an appropriate gift.  And its fun to get something that you think they'll like.   But after a couple of tries to get an appropriate gift for my SIL, I gave up and now she gets the I-Care-About-You-In-An-Abstract-Sort-Of-Way gift.  One of them was even a food basket!!!!!

That kind of a gift doesn't only say that the giver is thoughtless.  It can also say that the giver doesn't know the recipient is or feels trapped into giving something.  Frankly, a lot parents do not know who their adult children are or what they're interested in it.  It doesn't mean that the parents don't love their children.

3)  Several people in the old thread suggested, just like in this thread, that gifts no longer be exchanged.  I'm hoping to have that conversation in July with my in laws.  The alternative is to accept the inlaws are not great gift givers and have a laugh about it with friends. 

Debby

[Tabris]

That kind of a gift doesn't only say that the giver is thoughtless.  It can also say that the giver doesn't know the recipient is or feels trapped into giving something.

While I see what you're saying, then why not give them a set of bath towels or a gift card to Target? Why FOOD when the parents know their son has dietary restrictions. Even if they don't understand the dietary restrictions imposed by diabetes, then at least they should know to avoid foods.

[ganjin]

 
 they just don't care aboutthe gift aspect of the holidays- as bizarre as it wounds to us, they put thier thoughts and focus someplace else-  

This is the most poignantly Freudian slip/typo I've ever seen on this board.   It says everything.

[Lisbeth]

I think your best course of action is as follows:
1. Put your gift selection efforts into finding gifts for people who will appreciate them.
2. Since your ILs don't qualify for #1, just give them a card (if you feel you have to give them anything) and let it go at that.
3. Don't accept gifts from your ILs anymore, as they've made it clear that they don't respect you and your husband.  Give them a gracious thank-you and then dispose of the gift discreetly.