Inviting oneself into plans discussed on Facebook walls

[BuffaloFang]

I had been discussing on my friend's wall about our plans to do a cycling event this summer.  Verbatim, I posted "When are we signing up??? Are we really going to do this? " But my friend mentioned the actual event in the thread.  Suddenly, this guy who had friended me (who I had only met once in real life) jumped into the "conversation" and basically invited himself along. (his post: WHAT!! you're doing the X event? Call me up on that one!! I'd love to do it!)  I don't particularly like the guy based on my one interaction, but I don't hate him either.  I would rather not spend 70 miles riding with him, but will abide by general consensus of EHell.

My questions:
A) how rude would I be to ignore him completely, or should I just own up to my mistake of not sending this as a message instead of a wall post and let him tag along?
B) Are Facebook wall discussions inherently open invitations for all of your friends?  Was he rude for inviting himself along?
C) If I can get out of riding with him, how can I gently tell him "no"?

[audrey1962]

IMO, writing on someone's wall is no different than talking amongst a large group of people. Would you have discussed this with your friend at a party with 70+ people listening?

If you can't accomodate everyone then you shouldn't discuss an event in front of everyone. In the future, keep these discussions to PM.

[PeasNCues]

I'd say you put it up on your wall (which is sort of like talking about it in a room with a bunch of people) and this was not an event you are hosting or that is being hosted, but trying to get someone to join with you so I don't think it was really all that rude, but I'm willing to be convinced otherwise.

I do think it was kind of off-putting the way he did it. I would have said, "hey, can you send me some info on this? Maybe we can get to *location* together?"

[greenleafmountain]

I would say you are not obligated to invite him, no more than you would be obligated to invite him if he walked up to you on the street and invited himself in person.  Just never mention the event again around him and keep all future discussions of this plan and all other plans confined to messages.  If he asks about it specifically just be non committal and say you haven't really decided any definite plans yet.

[Dorrie78]

I agree with the PP about discussing things on your Wall - that is just like talking about it in a crowded room. I got busted doing something similar some time ago and learned my lesson well - I never discuss plans made with big groups in my status update or on my wall. Someone who is not invited will invariably be hurt or invite himself along.

I think Greenleafmountain probably has the right idea - stop talking about it in public (on your Wall) and let him know that you really don't know what your plans will be. You may also want to say that someone else is organizing it and you are just one of their guests.

[Shoo]

I had been discussing on my friend's wall about our plans to do a cycling event this summer.  Verbatim, I posted "When are we signing up??? Are we really going to do this? " But my friend mentioned the actual event in the thread.  Suddenly, this guy who had friended me (who I had only met once in real life) jumped into the "conversation" and basically invited himself along. (his post: WHAT!! you're doing the X event? Call me up on that one!! I'd love to do it!)  I don't particularly like the guy based on my one interaction, but I don't hate him either.  I would rather not spend 70 miles riding with him, but will abide by general consensus of EHell.

My questions:
A) how rude would I be to ignore him completely, or should I just own up to my mistake of not sending this as a message instead of a wall post and let him tag along?
B) Are Facebook wall discussions inherently open invitations for all of your friends?  Was he rude for inviting himself along?
C) If I can get out of riding with him, how can I gently tell him "no"?

Is this guy your friend's friend too?  If he isn't, how did he jump into the conversation on your friend's wall?  I can't even see the walls of my friends' friends.

[Bramble]

He can sign up for the event himself, but there is no reason you have to ride with him, or make any arrangements to meet him while you are there.  A vague "Maybe we'll see each other at the post-ride event" or something like that will probably make it clear to him that you're not inviting him to join your riding group.

If he is your friend's friend, he might be addressing his comments at your friend, in which case make sure you are the same page as your friend as to whether he's invited along or not.

[BuffaloFang]

I'm not sure if they're Facebook friends, or if my friend just has a really lax privacy setting.  My (real) friend doesn't really know this guy either.

The thing is, I completely forgot he was even on my friends list.  Otherwise any of my other friends who saw my wall post and asked to come along would be gladly welcomed.  He was some guy I met once at a party (another one of my friends brought him along) and I had about a 5 minute conversation with him. The next thing I knew, he was asking to be my friend.  I was still new to Facebook at the time and felt uncomfortable rejecting him.  So it never even occurred to me that essentially a complete stranger would invite himself along.

Ugh, I guess I can look at this as an opportunity to make a new real life friend...

This post has the word "friend" way too many times...

[Nurvingiel]

My friends status things like "going to the pub" "running the Helsinki marathon in a week" or "starting my bike trip to Nanaimo today" all the time. I make comments on their statuses, but don't invite myself along.

A status is sharing news. You should be able to share news without people inviting themselves along.

However, if my friend's status about running the Helsinki marathon prompts me to run the marathon, that's cool too.

So he can join the bike event, but you don't have to bike with him.

[Dorrie78]

My friends status things like "going to the pub" "running the Helsinki marathon in a week" or "starting my bike trip to Nanaimo today" all the time. I make comments on their statuses, but don't invite myself along.

A status is sharing news. You should be able to share news without people inviting themselves along.

However, if my friend's status about running the Helsinki marathon prompts me to run the marathon, that's cool too.

So he can join the bike event, but you don't have to bike with him.

I got in trouble when I posted that "I was playing poker that night with the college crowd." Turns out one of the college crowd hadn't been invited because this group was more of an off-shoot from the original college-crowd poker group. She didn't know that another group had formed. Totally horrible on my part. It would have been okay if I had just said that I was playing poker (I play with several groups).

So, of course, a status up date is not an inviation to any and all, but one needs to be careful about how it is worded. And working out actual plans in your status or your wall with other people is different altogether - you can't blame someone for thinking that they can participate because the plans are being made in public.

[kingsrings]

I don’t think that posting this as a status on FB means suddenly that anyone who wants to go can, unless the status specifically says so. I think the guy was rude to presume he could just come along all because he saw it as a status.

However, what about if someone posts this in a FB event? Whenever someone creates or RSVP’s to a FB event, then it’s published to their wall. So if my friend Mary RSVP’s to an event, I see it as it has shown up on her wall, and I decide I want to go as well, can I just do that, too? Of course I think that depends on what kind of event it is. For instance, if it’s something public, like a play, I think it’s okay for me to RSVP that I’m attending because it’s a public event. If it’s a private gathering, not so sure. In one way it’s being made public because it’s an event that’s showing up everywhere, however, on the other hand, it’s something of a more personal nature, like a birthday party for someone or similar.   

[Nurvingiel]

If someone posts an event, you can only go if you received an invitation, or if the event details say "open".

[Lisbeth]

Well, I would treat a Facebook event the same as an Evite:  It is only for those who actually receive it from the sender, not for everyone who clicks a link on someone else's wall or news feed.

As for discussing events in status updates, I don't quite agree that this is the same as discussing a party in the physical presence of someone who is not invited.  Anyone at anytime, anywhere, who is on Facebook could see a status update.  There are millions of Facebook users and not even close to everyone is to be considered "invited" when someone mentions doing something in a status update.

That said, I do think that events that are meant to be private should not be discussed on Facebook in the form of a status update or Wall-to-Wall message.  It would be more appropriate to put these in a Facebook event or some other format that not everyone can see.  And it is rude to assume that one may invite themselves along to someone else's event, whether or not it is posted about on Facebook.

[Wittyone]

I think Wall to Wall posts are tricky. I would never reply to a wall post that was sent to someone else, simply because the posts are usually fairly direct, and I am not a part of the conversation.  Given that, I do think it is rude to talk about exclusive plans on your wall, and not through PMs, because it is like you are in a crowded room, talking about something no one else is invited too.

As an example:  I recently moved to a new area and have been trying to make friends with some of the women from my church.  I'm not the best at this in any case, but I try.  A group of these women get together once a month for breakfast.  I was invited once, and went, but haven't been invited a second time, and feel I need to be before just inserting myself into that outing on my own.  But every month or two someone posts in a wall to wall message that they are looking forward to breakfast that morning, or they enjoyed the breakfast already.  To me it is just a reminder that I haven't been invited, and is the equivalent of talking about a party in front of those who weren't invited.  It is rude.

So I think you were a little rude to mention specifics of your plans with one other person, but he was also rude by inserting himself into your conversation, and inviting himself along.

[Mrs.E]

I see it more as making plans with a friend at a party where there are other people but in a corner where people could hear only if they are trying to listen to your conversation.

Wall post generally dont show up on the first page of your FB, only status updates show. He would have had to go directly to the OP's wall and read what was written between her and her friend and then invite himself. It didnt just pop up for him to see when he logged on to FB.

I aslo dont think posting something in your status is an automatic invite to people. I talk about my OB appointments on my status, but I am pretty sure it would be considered rude for someone to invite themselves to the birth or the ultrasounds....

I wonder if this post makes sense to anybody but me?!