Toxic Family Christmas Present Thank You Note-To Give or Not to Give?

[Hawkwatcher]

No, we haven't had any contact with them in a couple of years, except that first year when I sent them a brief thank you. They send DH a birthday card (he throws it away) son an Easter card and a Christmas gift card. We send them nothing. No calls, no notes, nothing.

What's funny is they never did this before we had our falling out. DH has already decided he wants nothing to do with them, but he sees nothing wrong with keeping the gift card. Maybe I should just do what DH wants, right? And send no thank you? I have to think about this for awhile.

While I disagree with keeping any gifts from these people, I do think that you should follow your husband's lead when dealing with his parents.I   that if I was in your shoes, I would let my husband write any thank you notes to his parents if he wants to send them a note.  If he does not want to send a note, then I would not worry about sending them any thank you notes.  After all, these are his parents and he should be then one to deal with them not you. 

Considering how they reacted last time you sent a note, it is obvious that they do not appreciate the effort, so why should you open yourself up to more abuse?

 

[daybarb]

Could you send the thank-you note to your SIL, since she did chip in for the gift card, and you are on good terms with her?

[ehellion]

Could you send the thank-you note to your SIL, since she did chip in for the gift card, and you are on good terms with her?

Yes, SIL will definitely get a thank you from me.

[Slartibartfast]

Are you thankful for the gift?  If so, send a thank-you note . . . if not, don't.  And expect to have the stop sending gifts eventually.  Either way is up to you :-)

[ZipTheWonder]

So you think no thank you and no keeping the gift? Even if it's signed by SIL who we DO keep in contact with (she lived with them)? (Confusing, eh?) I usually thank her....Of course DH has limited contact with her too because his parents try to use her to get to us. I'm getting a headache thinking about all this etiquette stuff, lol.

Why would your sister-in-law, knowing that you do not have contact with these people, give a group gift with them?  To answer your question, no, I would not keep the gift, and yes, I would thank your sister-in-law for her thoughtfulness.

[graceh9]

why are you accepting gifts from these people if you have no other relationship -- I think cutting people off from contact means just that -- if you accept gifts then you need to thank for them but if it were me and I didn't want these toxic people in my family, then I would not be accepting gifts from them

send the cards back marked refused -- or write the notes

another thought -- involving your son in doing the notes seems unwise unless you want him to have a relationship with them -- this will get complicated as he gets older

either they are in or out

[ehellion]

So you think no thank you and no keeping the gift? Even if it's signed by SIL who we DO keep in contact with (she lived with them)? (Confusing, eh?) I usually thank her....Of course DH has limited contact with her too because his parents try to use her to get to us. I'm getting a headache thinking about all this etiquette stuff, lol.

Why would your sister-in-law, knowing that you do not have contact with these people, give a group gift with them?  To answer your question, no, I would not keep the gift, and yes, I would thank your sister-in-law for her thoughtfulness.

My SIL has cerebral palsey and is not able to go shopping by herself. Long story. Also, she has comprehension problems.

[ehellion]

why are you accepting gifts from these people if you have no other relationship -- I think cutting people off from contact means just that -- if you accept gifts then you need to thank for them but if it were me and I didn't want these toxic people in my family, then I would not be accepting gifts from them

send the cards back marked refused -- or write the notes

another thought -- involving your son in doing the notes seems unwise unless you want him to have a relationship with them -- this will get complicated as he gets older

either they are in or out

Thanks for your reply. I left it up to DH. It's his parents so he can decide. I'm done with it, lol.

[ehartsay]

Send the note. If they show their tails, ask them to refrain from contacting your family in any way in the future and tell them that you will no longer be accepting any gifts as they have caused nothing but grief. That may not be the world's greatest advice, but there is no reason for you to allow these people to jerk you around. Give them one more chance to be decent, then let it be done with.

I agree with this. Then if they just get toxic again refuse to accept mail from them.

[NOVA Lady]

Its probably too late for you to do this but I have a situation where a toxic faux-inlaw (we're not yet married,lol) is so awful to us that when we get presents (which are never meant in the spirit they should be and are always something like a weight loss book for me or a book on how to be more assertive or get over a relationship for him, nice huh) we send it back without opening now.


If I am home and its a package that comes I refuse delivery and if it comes in the post I write return to sender on it and stick it back up there for the mail man.

Throw me in Ehell but when I returned this years card (addressed solely to him I might add) I wrote "return to sender" and drew a big happy smilely face on it

[Venus193]

Giving gifts to your son is an obvious manipulation, since this only began after you cut off contact with them.  Since cutting off contact with a toxic parent is not an action taken without due consideration, you and your DH dearly had valid reasons for doing so.  Don't let them breach the boundary.

It also sounds like you should not allow these people into your child's life.  Send a letter after the holidays indicating that you wish to end all contact and if they try again, you need to send everything and anything back.

In toxic family situations you don't worry about etiquette.  Your priority is to protect your family.

[Lisbeth]

I think it depends on whether or not you plan to keep the gift.

If things are so bad between you and your husband and the ILs that you've cut off contact, it seems to me that the best thing you can do for your child in this situation is to keep him clear of contact with your ILs so he doesn't get caught in the middle between you and them.  By sending him the gift, they're using your child as a weapon against you and your DH.  That's not good for any child.  Thus, I'd return the gift to your ILs.

If you keep it, I'd send a short thank-you note:
"Dear ILs,
Thank you for the gift to Child.  Happy holidays. 
Sincerely,
ehellion."