Rude Party Guest

[fklwmn]

I didn't want to hijack the thread about guests RSVPing and then not showing up, but... here is a little background information...

I have 2 boys whose birthdays are 3 days apart. They have a joint party every year. My oldest (DS1) also has a younger brother from his dad whose birthday is 6 days before his. (all in December, lol).

DS1 goes to his dad's house every other weekend. the little boy who lives next door to his dad is his age and is his 'best friend.' We';; call him RudeKid 4 years ago my kids decided they wanted to have skating parties. They sent out their invites, and this RudeKid's mom RSVPed that he would be there. Great!

Well he shows up at skateland fine, but he REFUSES to participate in any party activities. basically he wanted to skate for free, I guess, b/c he would not come over for cake or presents. He did not even leave his shoes at our table with everyone else's. I was very irritated b/c he wasn't invited so I could pay for him to skate, he was invited to celebrate my son's birthday with him! DS1 says RudeKid is just REALLY shy and didn't want to be around all those people.

Fine...the next year DS1 invited him again. I reminded him how he had refused to celebrate with us, but DS1 really wanted to invite him so we did. He RSVPed yes, but yet again refused to join the party. The kicker? by sheer coincedence, DS1's little brother was having his 3rd bday party there at the same time. RudeKid DID join THAT party, even though I was the one who paid for his admittance to the skateland. So I guess he isn't THAT shy.

By this time I was pretty fed up with RudeKid, but I try to let my kids learn their life lessons for themselves. Come July, I decided to take DS1 and a friend to local Big Amusement Park and to a Jesse McCartney concert there that night to reward DS1 for being admitted to the gifted program. DS1 wants to invite RudeKid. Obviously I didn't want him to, but I figured since it is not a party, it should be okay. I called RudeKid's mom myself. Advised I am paying for amusement park tickets AND concert tickets and would RudeKid like to go or should we invite someone else? Mom asks RudeKid and he is very excited, She says yes he can go. I confirmed with Mom the night before the show again and everything was on track. When I went to go pick up RudeKid, some other neighborhood kids were over to play and he decided WHEN I GOT THERE TO PICK HIM UP that he would rather stay home and play with them than go to the park and concert like he promised my son.

I could tell DS1 was really hurt, but he was making excuses for RudeKid. I was very glad I knew this kid's antics already and had not bought the tickets in advance, and DS1 and I went by ourselves as it was too late to invite anyone else to join us.

When December rolled around again my kids did not want to do a skating party. We opted to rent a hall and have some mad scientist entertainers come in. It was very important that I had an accurate headcount b/c it would cost X amount for up to 10 kids, and XX amount (a good deal more) for any more than that. The night before the party I was missing 5 RSVPs and I started chasing them down. When I called RudeKid's mom she said she wasn't sure and would have to ask RK's Dad and call back. hours later I still hadn't heard anything so I called again. It had come down to RudeKid being the last RSVP and the difference between the 2 price ranges. RudeKid's mom seemed to totally have forgotten that we had spoken earlier and finally says "Oh, sure" about whether or not RudeKid will be at the party. Guess who doesn't show? Right... RudeKid. How much would I have liked to bill his mom for the extra entertainment amount we had to pay for him when he didn't even show up!

In January my kids won a "Super Bowl" party @ the local bowling alley. It was basically a bowling party on superbowl sunday. Again, DS1 INSISTED on inviting his 'BEST FRIEND' Again, I pointed out the numerous times RudeKid had flaked on him. He still invited him. RudeKid RSVPed yes... and again, he didn't show. No call, nothing... just didn't show up. Well, at least that one didn't cost me any money - just a spot that DS1 could have had another friend bowl in.

This year the kids decided to go skating again for their party. I FINALLY put my foot down and said RudeKid would NOT be invited this year. I am starting to think my son will never learn that this is not how firends treat each other

Of course this year had it's own issues... like 2 of DS2's friends who didn't show up until after 3 for a 2:00 party, when the invite specifically said cake would be served @ 2:10 (that was when we had the party room). Not a huge deal though... they missed out on the cake but DS2 was still thrilled when they showed up. And I was so glad that I didn't need to deal with RudeKid this year!!!

So do you think I did the right thing by finally putting my foot down about this kid? It is DS's birthday and he SHOULD be allowed to invite anyone he wants there, but... he's 12 years old and He's been getting walked on by this kid for 4 years now! What do you think?

[sammycat]

Keep that foot planted down hard!  You're obviously a lot more tolerant than I am as I'd probably have put my foot down after the second time at the most.  That kid was unbelievable.  After the two conversations you had with his mum I can see where he gets his "manners" from.  What rude people!

I feel very sorry for your son as it's hard to see your kids' getting hurt by so-called friends.

[willow08]

I know it's hard to watch your son being treated this way, but I think you have to follow the Romeo and Juliet principle here, as weird as it sounds. (If you try to keep the boys from being friends, it will just seem that much more important for DS to spend time with his "BEST FRIEND.") I don't see anything wrong with gently reminding DS while planning parties how often RudeKid flakes on him, but I wouldn't make any declarations about RudeKid not attending.

My Mom had a pretty good hand at protecting her kids from being taken advantage of. When someone was treating me this rudely, she would wait for object lessons that weren't attached to special events or times when emotions were heightened. She would point out the kind behavior of real friends and explain why rude behavior from fair-weather friends was wrong and hurtful. Eventually, the charm of the fair-weather friends wore off for me on my own. Good luck!


(By the way, a mad scientist party sounds awesome!)

[Suze]

I think that you are the right one in NOT inviting Rudekid to anymore parties.  Let them play together -- fine.  I just wouldn't put his name on any more guest lists. 

It doesn't sound like it would make much difference to Rudekid anyway.

It makes me wonder how the kids play together if Rudekid treats your son like this at an "invited" event.

[willow08]

I forgot to ask how the boys get along in non-special event occasions.  Is RudeKid always this rude or does he treat your son kindly when they're just hanging out?

[fklwmn]

I forgot to ask how the boys get along in non-special event occasions.  Is RudeKid always this rude or does he treat your son kindly when they're just hanging out?

You know, I really have no idea?

this is his friend at his dad's house so I only ever see him at special events. DS1 does not complain about any mistreatment at any other times and I know they play together a lot, but I don't think he would have complained about being istreated at his parties and events either - it's like it makes it more painful if you ADMIT you've been mistreated

[Lisbeth]

I might have given RudeKid a second chance, but no third, fourth, or fifth the way you seem to have.  You were a lot more patient than I would have been.

I think it was high time you put your foot down that RudeKid was not to be invited or to invite himself.  I hope your son's other friends treat him better and that he has learned that RudeKid is not a true friend.

[Balletmom]

Keep your foot firmly planted in the down position on inviting RudeKid to the parties. Or anything else where response/attendance is a significant issue to you.

You are the one paying for the party, you are are the one doing all the work. When that changes...your son can have final say over the guest list. I really feel this is an important boundary issue as a parent.

If one of your son's friends who comes over to your home consistently destroys things, eats everything in sight, etc, etc, flouts your rules, you'd have final say in "Sorry, Dear Son, I will not have that child in my home. You are welcome to have your friends here but final say is mine because a, b, and c."

My oldest DD had one friend through elementary school, who by the time they were all in fifth/sixth grade, was no longer invited to parties because of her behavior--the mothers individually (no group think here) would say, "I just can't tolerate that child for 12 or more hours."

Your son should know there are consequences for bad behavior. As for RudeKid being shy, he probably is, but he's being enabled in that by his Rude Mom.

Tell your son he can keep playing with the kid but as far as parties go...no. Unless it just doesn't matter if he shows or not.

 

[Alida]

RudeKid's gotten way more than his fair shot at things - and RudeKid's parents should know better! 

Keep that foot down and don't let it come up for anything

[BurninDinner]

Sure, as a parent your job is to teach your son what to tolerate from friends and what not to.  If he's not learning, you help him.

[freakyfemme]

I know it's hard to watch your son being treated this way, but I think you have to follow the Romeo and Juliet principle here, as weird as it sounds. (If you try to keep the boys from being friends, it will just seem that much more important for DS to spend time with his "BEST FRIEND.") I don't see anything wrong with gently reminding DS while planning parties how often RudeKid flakes on him, but I wouldn't make any declarations about RudeKid not attending.

My Mom had a pretty good hand at protecting her kids from being taken advantage of. When someone was treating me this rudely, she would wait for object lessons that weren't attached to special events or times when emotions were heightened. She would point out the kind behavior of real friends and explain why rude behavior from fair-weather friends was wrong and hurtful. Eventually, the charm of the fair-weather friends wore off for me on my own. Good luck!


(By the way, a mad scientist party sounds awesome!)

Pod on ALL that.......it's probably best not to say "Rudekid is rude and can't come to your party" during the pre-party planning stages, when your son's judgement will be clouded with excitement over the upcoming festivities, just maybe work it into casual conversation at "mundane" times.  As for the mad scientist party, that *does* sound awesome, but it probably wasn't necessary to rent the hall and hire professionals.  My school did something like that, as an event for Big Buddies (similar to Big Brothers/Big Sisters, but run through the school), and they just got one of the guys on the Big Buddies exec to dress up in a lab coat and a powdered wig, borrow some test tubes and beakers from one of the chemistry labs, and perform some simple-but-spectacular science experiments, like making "Magic Mud" out of water and cornstarch, and making baking soda react with vinegar, etc.  He did this with the most spectacular "mad scientist" accent, and the kids LOVED it.

[FoxPaws]

It is absolutely your right to ban inconsiderate boors from your home or events that you are hosting. The fact that the inconsiderate boor in question is a 12 year old friend of your son's is too bad, but kids learn by example and you cannot allow your son to think that it's okay to be disrespectful to one's hosts.

In the end, refusing to allow RudeKid in your home or at your parties because of past behavior is going to stick with your son a lot longer than all the lectures in world about choosing one's friends wisely.

Keep that foot firmly planted.

[LifeOnPluto]

Definitely don't invite Rudekid to any more parties. His non-attendance is costing you financially, and most likely upsetting your son (at least, temporarily).

After the first or second non-attendance occured, I would have been inclined to contact Rudekid's parents and ask them why their son did not attend your son's party. eg "We were concerned that Rudekid didn't make the party yesterday. We're just ringing to ask whether everything is ok - we hope Rudekid isn't ill or anything." etc.

[Clara Bow]

You know, I feel sorry for RudeKid, he's obviously not being taught manners at home and that is going to hurt him in the long run. What are his parents thinking?
I'd keep my foot down on the party thing, since we're talking about money, but I don't think I'd restrict their contact otherwise. Sort of half following the Romeo and Juliet principle. Simply tell your son that you can't afford to shell out money for a kid who may or may not show up to a planned event, but that RudeKid is welcome to hang out on other days.
What is wrong with some people? If I RSVPed to an event the only excuse my mother would accept for me not going was a death, preferably mine and then I would get in trouble for dying without permission on a party day!

[Adah]

When I was growing up, I never remember my parents having any opinions as to who I invited to parties. If someone didn't show up and hurt my feelings, it became a lesson learned for me. Perhaps someday it will sink in for your son. I also think that boys/men have a different take on friendships than girls/women. For boys/men, a friend can blow them off a number of times and they just brush it off -- they are still friends. For girls/women, it is a personal affront the first time and becomes a long-lingering issue that usually results in a girlfriend being cut off or banished for some amount of time, sometimes permanently. Perhaps you're responding through your own lense, and not that of your son?

I'd cut down on the cost of these parties so that if someone cancels, it's not a big deal. Why not have a group of boys over for cake and video games? Or for a sleepover birthday party? Or go to the movies? Or a BBQ and swim party? Why does it need to be so elaborate?