Instant Message Conversations

[Wittyone]

I was on FB today when my niece, who is 12, sent me an instant message.  I responded and asked about her day.  She answered my question, then didn't write anything back, so I asked another question, which she answered.  I thought by this point she would ask me something so I didn't write anything for a few minutes.  Finally she sent the message "WittyOne?"  As if asking if I had gone somewhere.  So I picked up the conversation, but by this point I am wondering why she IM'd me if she didn't have anything to say.  I believe conversations, even through IM are give and take, where each party takes a turn starting a conversation topic.  I gave her a break though because she is only 12.  Now I'm wondering if it would have been okay for me to prompt her in someway that she should introduce a conversation topic every once in awhile.  Or would that have been rude?

[Surianne]

Hmm, so you were just asking questions?

I'm guessing she saw it as "Wittyone sent ___, now I send ___ in response, now she asks ____" so it was a back-and-forth because each of you werre taking a turn. 

Would it be possible to respond to her responses, rather than ask another question?  It makes me a little crazy when people just ask me questions, to be honest.  I'm picturing your conversation as:

You:  Hey, what are you up to?
Her: Hanging out in my room chatting.
You: Did you see __ show last night.
Her:  Yep, it was great, I really enjoyed the episode.
You: [another question]

Whereas you might change it to:
You:  Hey, what are you up to?
Her: Hanging out in my room chatting.
You: Did you see __ show last night.
Her:  Yep, it was great, I really enjoyed the episode.
You: Me too, I loved when ____ happened but I was so sad when _____ died.

Does that make any sense?  I'm guessing you're hoping she'll say "I really enjoyed the episode, did you?" but if she doesn't, why not prompt conversation with comments, rather than questions.  Lecturing her on the proper way to carry on a conversation would probably just turn her off chatting with you.

[katarain]

I sometimes chat with a young cousin.  She's about 8 years old.  We don't have a ton to talk about because we've never even met, but she enjoys it when her mom lets her chat on the internet with her family on facebook.  Kids have a lot to learn about making conversation in general, let alone on the net.  The conversation can get pretty boring to me, but I try to hang in there.  She'll learn.

[Wittyone]

I did ask leading questions, hoping to prompt her into more than a single sentence reply.  But she didn't reciprocate.  Also she is the one who Messaged me first, which is what has me confused, as she seemed to have little to say.  

[Surianne]

I did ask leading questions, hoping to prompt her into more than a single sentence reply.  But she didn't reciprocate.  Also she is the one who Messaged me first, which is what has me confused, as she seemed to have little to say.  

Did you try anything other than questions?  She's a 12 year old; help her out with some regular conversation--carry on with the same topic rather than starting new questions.  Kids can get pretty tired of questions pretty fast 

[Wittyone]

I did try mentioning a few other things than questions.  The conversation didn't last long, as I had to make dinner.  I think perhaps she is too young, and I get that.  But I see the same problem with older teenagers, like 17 and 18, and sometimes older.  It is a pet peeve of mine, I guess, when I end up entirely carrying the conversation with someone, no matter how I try to get them more involved.  If it were me approaching them I could take a hint that maybe they aren't interested in talking to me at that time.  But usually I find they approach me, and then expect me to carry the conversation, with minimal help from them.  I find that tedious.    But I give a lot of leeway depending on the age.  I did not say anything to my niece for this reason.  I just wondered if, as her aunt, it would be okay for me to hint a little more strongly, that it is polite to work harder at conversations you initiate.  If she's still too young though, I can accept that.

[smidget23]

It may have been that she wasn't getting all of your messages. I know that my FB chat has a tendency to mess up and I will only receive parts of a conversation.

[immadz]

You know I have these conversations from time to time. I think the cousins get a kick out of feeling important that an adult is chatting with them. Especially if you are seen as a "cool" adult.

[Surianne]

Wittyone: sounds like you're trying a few different things, which is good, and since she messaged you she likely wants to talk.  I'd try a few more times and see how it goes.  If you find it frustrating, maybe just keep it brief (a quick hi, how are you?) or send her a longer email instead.

I have some friends who are like this on chat actually, and I find it really frustrating to talk with them (we're in our late 20s).  So I kind of relegate people to groups of "chat friends" and "avoid on chat friends".  We all have different styles when it comes to chat and some just aren't compatible.  It's harder to mesh that way than it is in person, I think.

[Jobiska]

Although I feel it is Facebook's and parents' job to inforce FB's age limit (you must be 13 or older to have an account), I do think that this not-very-polished chatting style of the OP's niece is at least in part a side result of her age.  If she's conversing with adults at all, whether online or in person, that is more than a lot of 12 year olds do! 

The conversation described reminded me very much of a too-young-for-FB child I accepted a friend request from (I was very involved in DS's former school and knew many of the students very well.  I debated a long time whether or not to accept her request, since I knew she was under 13, but I finally decided I could be an adult looking out for her well-being since her parents didn't seem to care.  This was misguided on my part and I was relieved when she suddenly unfriended me).  At any rate, her IM conversational skills were exactly along the lines of those described.

With slightly more savvy young teens, many of them may have several chat windows open at once; if this was the case with the OP's niece, she might have been unconsciously relying on the OP to carry more of the burden of the chat since she was so busy answering several at once (even the sweetest kids of this age can be rather wrapped up in themselves).

[mandycorn]

I have conversations like that with my cousins sometimes. I usually try to prompt them with a "So what's up?" and see if they had a reason for saying hi or were just excited to see me online.