S/O You've been defriended - telling them why

[Akarui Kibuno]

The only people I've known to do such announcements are people I've met in games such as Peel a Meal, Restaurant City or stuff like that. Since the numbers can go up really, really fast. Once you no longer play a game or once the connection is no longer necessary, I have seen some people post an announcement, and others who wanted to stay friends and continue catching up would post on said person's status.

Other than that, if I defriend for personal reasons, I do not say anything. Sometimes I'll tell some mutual friends why so that they can use the information as they want, just in case the defriended person tries to bother them, but other than that, I defriend and that's it.

[TychaBrahe]

I'm one of those wimps who quietly defriends you and hopes you never notice.

I've only defriended one person, and that was someone who claimed to like something I'd posted on a message board, but as soon as I added him, asked me to help him get an education visa to the US.  No way!  Defriended, blocked, and I told him why.

I chat a lot with people in other countries and I've been asked to help people immigrate before.  I really wonder what they expect me to do.  I know nothing about the immigration process.  I did it the smart way, and had my great-grandparents worry about it.

[C0mputerGeek]

I do cull my friends list in Facebook about twice a year - I've been on Facebook for 8 months - and I never announce it. In fact, I always end up hoping that the person I "unfriended" does not realize it. I don't understand the point of announcing it to all and sundry. It's very rude.

Since I block people when I unfriend them, I don't bother to explain why. They won't be able to respond.

My best friend, let's call her Sarah, said that she accepted a friend request - with trepidation - some months ago when she first got on Facebook from a woman she knew in high school. This woman, let's call her Nancy, treated her quite badly in high school. Sarah said she accepted the friend request because she thought Nancy wanted to apologize.

Nancy posted an update with some racial slurs. Sarah unfriended her and did explain why. Nancy sent her a nasty message with more racial slurs. Sarah has since blocked Nancy and no longer explains when she unfriends someone.

[Azrail]

Lulu! I can't believe she did that! 

On the bright side, though, you finally have her out of your life once and for all.

I don't doubt that you'll hear from her in a few weeks when she hasn't heard from you and gotten the apology she thinks you owe her. I would block her so she never darkens your (virtual) door again!

[look in the tunk]

Someone is a *Drama Queen*.  You do not need to explain why you de-friend someone unless you choose to do so if asked for an explanation.  The woman in the OP is drumming up drama in her life, apparently she doesn't have enough in it already so she creates it.

Pod. I've seen a couple of friends do this: "Friends list makeover! Sorry if you don't make it!" Drama, drama, drama. It's ridiculous.

[jane7166]

DD, who is an adult with autism, has friended many people from her high school.  Most people have been very sweet and she has several hundred "friends."  She tried to friend some guy from her graduating class and got back this answer:  I only friend people that I interact with, etc., and know. 

I checked this guy's friend list.  It had over 1000 names.  What a jerk. 

Facebook interactions annoy me to no end. 

[kingsrings]

Ha – I just received a friend request from a classmate a year ahead of me. While I knew of him, we never said a word to each other in HS and were never in a class together as far as I can remember. I was wondering then why he sent me a friend request. I looked at his friend list, and it was over a 1000 people! I guess he’s just trying to pad his list or something. I accepted his request just in the odd chance that he actually might want to view my profile and talk to me, but probably next week or so I’ll quietly de-friend him unless he makes an attempt to have FB contact with me.

Last week, another friend/classmate made the culling announcement on FB. She said something along the lines of she was no longer going to waste time on people who didn’t have frequent enough contact with her. She got a lot of indignant responses from friends who viewed her profile a lot, but didn’t have the frequent-enough contact she was now requiring. A day later, she deleted the thread, I guess she realized how it was coming across.

I don’t like these kind of threads. I think some people truly think they’re doing something polite by explaining to those affected why they’ve been defriended, but they don’t realize how it’s actually backfiring and making them come across as attention-seeking or egotistical.

[miss_ann_thrope]

Calling them out on their rudeness is retaliatory rudeness, right?

It could be the clue by four they need...

[TootsNYC]

DD, who is an adult with autism, has friended many people from her high school.  Most people have been very sweet and she has several hundred "friends."  She tried to friend some guy from her graduating class and got back this answer:  I only friend people that I interact with, etc., and know. 

I checked this guy's friend list.  It had over 1000 names.  What a jerk. 

Facebook interactions annoy me to no end. 

I don't think he was a jerk at all.

[kingsrings]

I don’t think so, either. While I do think it’s odd that this person can actually know and interact with 1000 people, I don’t see anything wrong with him doing what he did. And he sent a message, which is a lot more than most people on FB do when they don’t want to friend someone. And I don’t see how her having autism has anything to do with it.

[cbcb]

I agree - having a lot of facebook friends doesn't mean you're obligated to friend anyone who asks, nor does any specific detail of the asker. It's not impossible that those 1000 are the ones he feels he "knows". You'd be surprised how many active contacts some people can maintain. I think you should not look for insult, especially when he was polite enough to at least explain why he didn't friend her.

[itsmeforever]

I was thinking about posting a similar thread because several times in the past few weeks I've had friends post status updates saying they were culling their friend list.  While I can certainly understand the need to cull, I don't understand the need to announce it.  I know that there are some people who have defriended me but I don't know when or why.  I didn't take personally; I just figured they were trying to keep their friend list to only friends, not someone they went to school with a decade ago.

In most cases, it just seems like the person is trying to make him/herself feel important.  (I can think of one case where the announcement made sense though.)

Just curious, what were her reasons (generally, speaking)?  Were they more substantial, like, "You stole my husband and kidnapped my dog."  Or more superficial, like, "You won't join my mafia."

Oooooo the bolded sentence drives me nuts. I joined FB to get connected, not play games. In the past month or so I've had to hide peoples statuses, because I would see this....."If you really are a good friend of mine...you'd join my mafia. If you can't be bothered, neither can I!" I think I've been defriended because of this. Not sure totally, but just a feeling.

[hot_shaker]

I was thinking about posting a similar thread because several times in the past few weeks I've had friends post status updates saying they were culling their friend list.  While I can certainly understand the need to cull, I don't understand the need to announce it.  I know that there are some people who have defriended me but I don't know when or why.  I didn't take personally; I just figured they were trying to keep their friend list to only friends, not someone they went to school with a decade ago.

In most cases, it just seems like the person is trying to make him/herself feel important.  (I can think of one case where the announcement made sense though.)

Just curious, what were her reasons (generally, speaking)?  Were they more substantial, like, "You stole my husband and kidnapped my dog."  Or more superficial, like, "You won't join my mafia."

Oooooo the bolded sentence drives me nuts. I joined FB to get connected, not play games. In the past month or so I've had to hide peoples statuses, because I would see this....."If you really are a good friend of mine...you'd join my mafia. If you can't be bothered, neither can I!" I think I've been defriended because of this. Not sure totally, but just a feeling.

Oh.  Well see how I was joking?

I never imagined that a person would actually defriend someone for that reason. 

[familyfun]

I don’t think so, either. While I do think it’s odd that this person can actually know and interact with 1000 people, I don’t see anything wrong with him doing what he did. And he sent a message, which is a lot more than most people on FB do when they don’t want to friend someone. And I don’t see how her having autism has anything to do with it.

Agreed.  His reply sounded polite to me.

eta: who knows, maybe 1000 friends is too many already, and he's genuinely trying to cut back on friending people he doesn't know

That's a very likely possibility.  He could have just clicked ignore, instead he took the time & effort to explain why. 

[TootsNYC]

Re: the guy w/ 1,000 friends:

You probably are out of line for looking to see how many friends he DID have.

It's a bit like when someone says, 'I can't come to your party, because I have plans for that  night,' and you say, "Oh, what are they?"

It's your responsibility to accept the polite fiction.