S/O friend requests: "Friend request pending" - how long to wait for a response?

[baglady]

Is there a way to tell, on Facebook, if someone you've requested to add as a friend simply isn't interested?

I have about half a dozen "friend request pending" people on my friends list. In other words, I've friended them but they haven't friended me back. Some of them have been "pending" for months. All but one of them have yet to show up in my newsfeed/live feed. The one who does show up in my feed is the most recent one I sent a friend request to, and so far it's been unacknowledged. But the most recent status update I saw from her is "Jane Doe is now friends with Joe Schmo, Richard Roe and Jackie O" (none of whom are me). Of all the people I haven't been friended back by, she is the one I would most like to be friends with. But there's a history. We used to be RL friends, but I drove her away with my neediness (long story). When I sent the friend request I apologized, explained that I had gotten past that behavior and asked if we could start over.

Should I assume the folks who haven't friended me back aren't interested? Do I assume those who aren't showing up in my feed have blocked me, or that they simply aren't on FB much? (We're all older, and many of us in our age group simply aren't plugged into that FB 24/7 mindset.)

Should I delete them? And if I do, how do I do that? Or do I continue to hope that one of these days they will get around to friending me back?

ETA: Seconds after posting this, I checked FB and found the first status update from *another* of my "pending" people. Spooky ... .

[marcel]

As a person that has had a FB account for months without doing anything with it I say just assume that they are not on FB, even if they have an account.

[blarg314]

We used to be RL friends, but I drove her away with my neediness (long story). When I sent the friend request I apologized, explained that I had gotten past that behavior and asked if we could start over.

In this particular situation, I would conclude that she doesn't want to be friends and doesn't want to start over. 

Your RL friendship ended badly because of your behaviour, and you apologized with a friend request, but that doesn't mean she wants to pick things up again. She's active on Facebook, so you can conclude that she has seen your friend request, and could have responded if she wanted.

[MaggieB]

I don't think there is a way to "cancel" your friend request, but if you go to you friends list and see them as "pending" you should be able to click the x next to them and they will stop showing up in your newsfeed.

It could be a number of things.  I don't know how old these people are, but it could be that they just aren't on Facebook much, they might only have Facebook accounts to communicate with family members, or they may have one of their kids maintaining their page who isn't comfortable accepting friend requests.  Also, if they're new to FB they might not realize that you have to accept friend requests.  I just explained that to one of my friends who has been on Facebook for months.

[cass2591]

There is a way to remove a friend request. Just go to "all connections" and that person's name will be on the list of your friends and groups you belong to. On the right there's an X and if you click on it, it gives you the option to remove the request.

[Wry Exchange]

You know the advice posters receive on Etiquette Hell when they don't want to accept a friend request, but don't want to hurt the person's feelings?  People say just ignore it, that may be what she's doing.

[Deetee]

How is she showing up in your newsfeed if she isn't friended?

Ignore it. I have some requests which never got answered and others that I got friended after a few months (generally for people who are rarely on)

[LadyClaire]

You know the advice posters receive on Etiquette Hell when they don't want to accept a friend request, but don't want to hurt the person's feelings?  People say just ignore it, that may be what she's doing.

That's what I do with friend requests I don't want to accept. I just let them stay there for eternity. My BIL belongs to a certain hobby club, and after he friended me, all of his friends from his hobby club friended me. I don't know if they're just doing the "people you may know" friend suggestions, but  just let those requests hang because as far as I know, once someone friend requests you, they can't send another one until it's ignored or they cancel it themselves.

[Lisbeth]

I have open friend requests from people whom I don't think will ever respond-including my best friend, who told me that she will never accept any friend requests on Facebook-she's only on there for the coupons. 

I've also gotten friend requests from people I didn't know.  I just ignore them.

[Ophelia]

One thing to note, that I heard from a friend yesterday - there is the potential that the person you requested (who is ignoring your requests) MAY be able to see your updates, and everything else you post.

A post I found in facebook help:

When someone sends you a friend request, public stories about you may appear in their News Feed. If you decline a friend request from this person, public stories about you (stories that have the privacy set to "Everyone") will no longer appear in their News Feed. Please note that News Feed will never show stories that a non-friend wouldn’t ordinarily be able to see. For example, if you posted a video and set the privacy to "Friends," a person who is waiting for you to approve their friend request would not see that in their News Feed. If you had set the video to be visible to Everyone, that person would see it.

You can always change your privacy settings by selecting "Privacy Settings" under the Settings drop-down menu and clicking the appropriate section.

[kingsrings]

Sometimes my friend requests haven’t been accepted for months, because the person took a break from FB. I've had that happen to me several times. Since that could very well be the case this time, I would just leave it there unless it’s bugging you for some reason.

Usually, most people just turn them down. If you see that the friend request is no longer pending, but they’re not on your friends list, that’s what has happened. I always immediately delete mine I don’t want to friend so they don’t remain there on my home page.

[Jobiska]

How is she showing up in your newsfeed if she isn't friended?

This seems to be a feature of FB's new feed.

To answer the question of why you might be seeing the person becoming friends with other people (but not yours)--it could be that s/he signed on for FB, asked those people to be friends in the initial session, and then didn't go on much and neither did they, until now when they accepted his/her request--in other words, there is an alternate explanation to the possibility that your requestee is picking and choosing among requests, but not choosing yours!

Or at least that's what I tell myself when I see similar notifications that a requestee has added friends that aren't me!

My most frequently repeated advice to my teen acquaintances (friends of my DS, 15) is that anyone on FB has to learn to have something of a thick skin, at least in this part of their world if nowhere else.  So I just tell myself that as well.