Facebook, TMI, respecting privacy

[creativecat]

I am married, and both my DH and I have Facebooks. I am generally an open book, but I don't TMI or share overly personal info. Just silly stuff or about my day. DH thinks that I share too much (he doesn't share much at all) and that all I share is silly or ridiculous (random stuff about my day, etc.). In fact, if DH knew that I posted this, he'd be upset with me.

The other day, I mentioned that our new fitness item (that we'd purchased with Christmas money) had come in and that I was putting it together. We received many funny and enthusiastic comments - all positive. One person asked why I didn't make him bring it in and put it together. I replied that I am generally better at putting stuff like that together (I love tools). (Oops, yes, this could be taken wrong, but I certainly did not mean it rudely.)

DH had issues both with me mentioning the purchase in general and with my reply to the above question. He apparently does not care for people to know that he is trying to work out more and he didn't want his mom to know. (My MIL (wonderful as she is) apparently made some comments to DH about our choice of purchase before we made the deal and made it seem like I was pressuring him, when it was clearly a joint decision that we took our time to make. MIL can be very nosy when it comes to money.)

So, my question is: What is appropriate to share if I speak of DH? Should I just not mention anything about my DH in any post? Or should I have simply used some different excuse in place of the true but badly worded commment? Last, should I just not mention any purchase, even if it was wise and a positive one?

[chibichan]

Given that your DH is sensitive to info about him , I would not mention him at all in your posts .

As for purchases , I wouldn't mention them either . It seems to be giving his Mom " ammo " to use against you .

Maybe you should sit down with DH and ask him specifically what kinds of posts upset him and why . Explain that while you don't want to be running every little thing by him : " Honey , is it OK if I post this ? How about this ? " , you would like to know the topics that make him uncomfortable .

Regarding the comment : He may have taken it badly , but IMO , it was not an insulting or rude remark . He simply found offense where none was intended . I would apologize for hurting his feelings , just to keep the peace .

[Surianne]

I agree, talk to your DH about which types of posts bother him.  Is it personal info in general, or just what his mother can see?  It might be worth limiting what his mother can view in your profile if that would make a difference. 

[blarg314]

I think you need to sit down with your DH and discuss this issue.

I don't think it is reasonable for him to expect that you won't post anything about your joint life - it's your life too, even if he shares it. You could change how you describe stuff, so it's focussed on you, not on what he is doing, like "We just go a new exercise bike. I'm so excited!"

If it's his mother he's worried about, then you can change privacy settings so she can't see as much.

[LeeLee88]

I think you need to sit down with your DH and discuss this issue.

I don't think it is reasonable for him to expect that you won't post anything about your joint life - it's your life too, even if he shares it. You could change how you describe stuff, so it's focussed on you, not on what he is doing, like "We just go a new exercise bike. I'm so excited!"

If it's his mother he's worried about, then you can change privacy settings so she can't see as much.

Agreed.  What, is he trying to keep your whole life a secret?  I'm wondering what sorts of flack he's gotten from people, and exactly what he's so scared of that are making him try to keep you so secretive over tiny, non-issue things on facebook.

[Shoo]

I am very careful about what I post on FB as it regards my husband.  He is way more sensitive about information about him than I am about me.  I always have to remind myself of that.  If I'm not sure about something, I'll always ask him first.  If he says no, then I don't post it, especially pictures of him.  He's pretty laid back about most things, but I have to respect his right to privacy, and I do.

[sparklestar]

I am very careful about what I post on FB as it regards my husband.  He is way more sensitive about information about him than I am about me.  I always have to remind myself of that.  If I'm not sure about something, I'll always ask him first.  If he says no, then I don't post it, especially pictures of him.  He's pretty laid back about most things, but I have to respect his right to privacy, and I do.

Me too - I'm not on Facebook but use a couple of other SN sites.  I don't post anything about what he's been doing or even what we've been doing together unless he clears it first. The way I see it, it's not like I *have* to post, whereas if I do post he *has* to get comments from people about what we've been doing.  There is no "block" feature in real life!!!

[Surianne]

I think you need to sit down with your DH and discuss this issue.

I don't think it is reasonable for him to expect that you won't post anything about your joint life - it's your life too, even if he shares it. You could change how you describe stuff, so it's focussed on you, not on what he is doing, like "We just go a new exercise bike. I'm so excited!"

If it's his mother he's worried about, then you can change privacy settings so she can't see as much.

Agreed.  What, is he trying to keep your whole life a secret?  I'm wondering what sorts of flack he's gotten from people, and exactly what he's so scared of that are making him try to keep you so secretive over tiny, non-issue things on facebook.

You know, I would normally agree with this, except the OP mentioned she has her husband's mom on her facebook list. 

Having his family on it can make everything much, much more sensitive, particularly if his mom is a stalker and nagger.  My mother likes to stalk me online and then call me up to discuss what she finds--I've blocked her on Facebook, so I can imagine how nervous it would make me if my SO were her Facebook friend...  It's really important to those of us with dysfunctional families to be able to control the information that goes out.

So that's why I suggested limiting what the MIL can view--maybe if she can't see the OP's status/wall, the husband would be less worried.

[creativecat]

Wow! Thanks so much for all the wonderful suggestions / advice. I did end up talking to my husband about it again (as sometimes we both take things wrong), and I think that it was a combination of the mother/purchase and the idea of people knowing that he plans to work out (a personal goal). I think it is mostly the mother thing though, since both she and his sister made odd comments on his wall about it. I did not make any comments or anything about it on his wall. Better to not give them more to comment on! (by odd comments I mean minor inferences or a "hmmm")

I deleted both my posts out of frustration right away and had planned to limit what his mother can see, but if I do that I have to limit what his sister and aunt and cousin can see. DH doesn't like that idea either - it could create more mess than I have patience to deal with. Luckily, any issues I have with the fam are normally pretty minor. So, I am currently just making comments on friends' posts and just keeping in touch with them. Perhaps I will throw in a crazy status once in a while, just to keep people on their toes.  

*Edited by me for a grammar error.

[LeeLee88]

I think you need to sit down with your DH and discuss this issue.

I don't think it is reasonable for him to expect that you won't post anything about your joint life - it's your life too, even if he shares it. You could change how you describe stuff, so it's focussed on you, not on what he is doing, like "We just go a new exercise bike. I'm so excited!"

If it's his mother he's worried about, then you can change privacy settings so she can't see as much.

Agreed.  What, is he trying to keep your whole life a secret?  I'm wondering what sorts of flack he's gotten from people, and exactly what he's so scared of that are making him try to keep you so secretive over tiny, non-issue things on facebook.

You know, I would normally agree with this, except the OP mentioned she has her husband's mom on her facebook list. 

Having his family on it can make everything much, much more sensitive, particularly if his mom is a stalker and nagger.  My mother likes to stalk me online and then call me up to discuss what she finds--I've blocked her on Facebook, so I can imagine how nervous it would make me if my SO were her Facebook friend...  It's really important to those of us with dysfunctional families to be able to control the information that goes out.

So that's why I suggested limiting what the MIL can view--maybe if she can't see the OP's status/wall, the husband would be less worried.

You're totally right, and that's what I was wondering about.  I should know better too, since one of my parents' church friends has shown an unusual interest in the goings on in DH's and my (mine?) life (lives?).  I also had to block her... it was too weird.  And I just read the OP's update, and it looks like she's affirmed your suspicions, so good eye  .