DH's Cousin & Facebook

[ipsedixit]

Another FB question ....

DH has a cousin who we see maybe 3 times a year.  She discovered facebook about 6 months ago.  This cousin is in her thirties, extremely introverted, doesn't work and she is on facebook all. day. long.  Cousin friended DH and I on facebook and we accepted.  

Cousin will message DH and I at least once a day asking general "how are you", "what are you doing today" type questions.  I don't check my facebook everyday, so I get back to her when I get back to her.  However, lately it's become a problem as she gets upset when DH and I don't talk back to her immediately on Facebook....to the point where DH's aunt will call and talk to us about it.  

A couple weeks ago I posted something about visiting DH for lunch and then going out with friends...cousin posted 4 times on my status asking how it was, what did we do, etc.  I didn't respond because I had some things to do.  I later posted something else on my page and Cousin private message me asking why i didn't respond to her and she saw I had posted something else so she knew I was online.    Other people outside the family that are friends with Cousin have said things to DH about it and they have defriended her.

Normally, I'd just change my privacy settings or defriend the person, but I feel there's sticky issues because she's DH's family and because she's extremely introverted.  I know she'd notice that the settings have changed since she's on there constantly.  

I dont' want to hurt her, but she doesn't seem to take the hint that we're not on there all day or won't respond right away, if at all.  We aren't close and she doesn't talk to us in social situations, just on Facebook.  I'm not really sure what is the polite way to handle this.

[MamaToreen]

Maybe you should remind both Cousin & Aunt that due to other responsibilities, you can't always check facebook to answer her. Your job doesn't allow it, etc. You want to be her friend, but she needcs to make allowances for your schedule.

[Akarui Kibuno]

Or you can simply tell her that many people use FB in a different way than she does, so she shouldn't expect that people will answer her messages when *she* wants to.

Some people just post statuses and pictures and never comment, some play games, some chat... and not always all at the same time 

[itsmeforever]

I feel for you. One my MIL's friends joined up just after Christmas. I do not like C. She's a bully, a mean and nasty person. (Why my MIL is friends with C, I have no idea. But I could fill the Wedding and Everyday sections with stories of her etiquette "blunders") Anyway! When I saw the friend request, I groaned. I knew she'd be on it ALL the time and demanding everyone to post to her. But, like you, I accepted her request and hid her at once. My MIL told me about a week later, that C was crying and whining "Itsme doesn't post to me, won't play games with me" (I had already blocked the games requests months before her) MIL said "Itsme, doesn't really use FB for that. Sorry."

For once, thank goodness for MIL!

Just keep telling the cousin, that you are unable to be on at all times and that you will answer her when you get a free minute. It's all you can do. If cousin gets mad, too bad.

[SoCalVal]

Just keep telling the cousin, that you are unable to be on at all times and that you will answer her when you get a free minute. It's all you can do. If cousin gets mad, too bad.

I wouldn't even continually repeat this.  Talk to the cousin once; talk to the aunt once -- preferably at the same time so everyone is on the same page (why is a woman in her 30s needing her mother to speak for her???).  Since these are your DH's family members, he would need to explain JUST ONCE (in a nice way, of course) that not everyone lives and breathes Facebook and that she needs to understand people are not going to respond as fast or as often as she'd like them to and that it's not meant as a slight towards her (maybe he could also explain that being so demanding could very well drive people away from her?).  After that, I would be done (and probably change my appearance so no one could see when I was logged in -- she may figure out you've changed your settings, but, oh, well; you shouldn't have to stay away from FB in order to not encounter her).

Frankly, Cousin sounds like she's being obsessive and stalkerish with the constant inquiries and might not be aware of how needy she's behaving.  I kinda did this once to an old friend years ago -- after not talking to him for four years, I started calling him every month for a few months then stopped; I had no idea how annoying and needy I had been acting until he mentioned the behavior to me YEARS LATER because it had really bugged his wife -- and I had to think back a bit to figure out what behavior he was referencing (incidentally, we're fine now).

[TootsNYC]

Does she have some mental problems?

I can't think why else a grown 30yo would need her mother to scold you about not talking to her DD. And her behavior sounds pretty obsessive.

I might consider being all concerned about her mental capacity, and if my aunt ever said anything, I'd be quizzing her if she was taking her daughter's mental health seriously.

Seriously. 

I'd reset what I needed to to start ratcheting her down. Can you fix it so she only sees one type of wall post?

[something.new.every.day]

Try something like this, "I use Facebook to relax.  That means I don't check it constantly, and when I use it I may just change my status or play a game.  If I feel like I have to keep up with all of the messages and statuses of all of my Facebook friends, it would stop being relaxing and fun.  So, I'll keep checking in with you from time to time, but I can't promise to always be as prompt as you like.  I'm really glad you get to spend a lot of time on Facebook, but that just doesn't work for my schedule, so I really only use it in a more limited manner."

[Cellardoor14]

I can't think why else a grown 30yo would need her mother to scold you about not talking to her DD. And her behavior sounds pretty obsessive.

I might consider being all concerned about her mental capacity, and if my aunt ever said anything, I'd be quizzing her if she was taking her daughter's mental health seriously.

Seriously

If I didn't know any better I'd swear the Cousin in the OP is my SIL.  In my case, SIL gets all of MIL's time, attention, and resources until the problem is sorted.  SIL doesn't feel the need to work on her social skills, because MIL will always ride to the rescue in most circumstances.

It's not a lack of mental capacity so much as SIL has no issues in being seen as helpless or sad as long as it allows to be the centre of someone's (her mom) attention all the time.

If I was the OP, I would tell my aunt that I simply you and your DH don't use Facebook the same way as cousin, and that they can't expect that you will to post every day.  And repeat as necessary.  Mr Cellardoor had to do something similar to SIL and it wasn't until she lost about half her friend's list (and her wall consisted of posts from people telling her to stop sending them requests.) that she eased up on somethings.

[AmethystAnne]

The description of OP's cousin-in-law rings a bell about my own behavior when I'm on the Internet too long.(I've chosen not to join Facebook for this very reason.)  So I've been turning on the computer only 2-3 times a week instead of everyday, and have "gotten a life". 

What would work for me is the following:

Could the OP post a message to her page saying, "Due to work and family obligations, my visits to Facebook are infrequent, and I will check my page when I am able to."  ?

And then change the privacy settings to allow Cousin-In-Law only certain aspects of her page (is that possible?), especially when the OP is online.

[Marguette]

I'm not sure it would get through to her if you tell her in general or announce that you're not on Facebook that often. But I'd suggest that every time you answer her, say it's two days after a frantic series of her messages, "Hi, I just logged on and saw your messages from last Thursday... [and you go on to give a casual answer to her questions]."

[kherbert05]

I like the idea of "Just saw your message from X date" to begin replies. I have a similar problem with a cousin, who has brain damage. Sis and I can't show as on-line on face book or other IM software that she knows about. She wants to talk the whole time.

I made some family members mad, when I sharply told her to leave me alone on skype. I was using it class trying to place a DL call for a class activity and she kept popping up. I had to answer her call and tell her "Cousin, I'm at work doing an activity with students - stop calling me."

She was upset and insisted it was to late for me to have students. I was blunt with the family members that got on my case for being mean to her. She kept insisting it was to late for me to have kids (we are 2 hours behind them so it was 3 there and 1 here). I have to say the family quickly apologized and spread the word that I did have kids and cousin would not stop calling.

[familyfun]

Is there some sort of mental or physical disability?  In that case I'd go with the gentle reminders PPs have suggested.  If not, then ONE boundary setting talk with cousin & aunt.  If it happens again, block her. 

[ipsedixit]

Is there some sort of mental or physical disability?  In that case I'd go with the gentle reminders PPs have suggested.  If not, then ONE boundary setting talk with cousin & aunt.  If it happens again, block her. 

DH and I aren't quite sure, but we've definitely gotten asked that before.  As far as I know, she has anxiety issues that apparently are severe enough to keep her from ever having a job, leaving the house a lot or speaking to people.  At least that's what Aunt tell us....who knows if that's true.  She's been coddled a lot by DH's aunt who kind of steps up and talks to family since she won't do it herself. 

Seriously, I've heard her say maybe 10 words in the past 3 years when we're in social situations....but it's like Facebook is an outlet for her.  Which I think is why I'm tredding lightly with her.  But she talks to people who she's not even friends with....like MIL's friends...and they're starting to find it slightly creepy.

I've started waiting to respond or just writing quick answers to questions.  I usually preface my responses with "Sorry, I'm taking classes this semester and I've been busy..."....but I just don't think she comprehends.  If she keeps it up, I'm just going to have to stop responding completely and blocking any new posts I do so she can't see my activity (...I think I can do that...). 

[CrayonOutlines]

Especially if she has some kind of disability that impairs her ability to interpret social cues, I think it would be perfectly acceptable to be politely direct with her and, to use your own words, say something like, "We're not on Facebook all day or won't always respond to posts or messages right away, if at all.  This applies to all of our friends and is nothing personal directed at you."  You might also want to say that you feel overwhelmed by all of her correspondence and, particularly if she has a disability, say something like, "It'd be great to hear from you once every week or so."  Since she doesn't pick up on social cues on her own, her feelings may not be hurt by (and she may even appreciate) direct instruction about social expectations/behavior.

[CaliforniaDreamer]

to the point where DH's aunt will call and talk to us about it.  

Seriously?  The aunt is getting involved?  Over this? Wow.

DH's cousin sounds extremely introverted and FB is a social outlet for her.  I wouldn't change anything I do on FB just to accommodate her.  You have a job, a social life and family life.  if you can't be on FB 24/7 like she does, oh well.  She'll have to get over it.