to dip or not to dip?

[Granny Takes a Trip]

Hey guys,

I'm a new poster here(approved last week but lurked for a short while before that) and I have a question that while it may seem a little controversial, I think is valid.

First of all, I love this site, I find it amusing, entertaining, informative and challenging (in a good way). With that said, I have to confess to being slightly averse to the concept of "bean dip". Maybe it's just the way that I was brought up, but I would almost always rather confront someone directly(though of course that's almost impossible with some people). As well (perhaps because of my sometime frankness) I have once or twice(literally, not often) been on the recieving end of a diversionary tactic. On neither occasion was I at all inclined to drop my line of argument. Call me rude, but I found the "beandipping" irritating and condescending. If I had been directly asked to drop the subject, I would have been far more receptive.

All thoughts/comments are appreciated.

[artk2002]

Bean dip is not a replacement for dealing with an issue head on.  It's for when dealing with it head on doesn't work.

There are some people in this world for whom "no" is not an answer, it's a challenge.  They want to continue to wheedle and negotiate.  Bean dip is effective then.

They: Can I borrow your lawnmower?
Thee: I'm afraid that won't be possible.
(Now, if They are reasonable, they will stop there.  But many won't)
They: But I'm responsible!  I'll bring it back sharpened.
Thee: No.
They: But whyyyyyyyyyy not?!?!? It's sitting in your garage doing nothing?
Thee: I don't loan my tools. Ever.  The subject is closed.
(So, we've had our challenge.  Did it work?)
They: That's mean.  You're selfish!
(Now, what are we to do?  We've challenged them, pretty strongly.  Shall we walk away?  Punch them in the face?  Why not divert them?)
Thee: It's regrettable that you feel that way.  The answer is still no.  How 'bout them Dodgers?

If you've been bean-dipped, you need to see if you have crossed some sort of boundary with the other person.  As you said, "on neither occasion was I at all inclined to drop my line of argument."  That sounds like you were pushing and crossing boundaries.  The people who bean-dipped you did you a kindness.  If they had already made their position clear, and you were still arguing, you were in the wrong.  They chose a gentler way of telling you to stop.  While you might have preferred something more direct (how 'bout "I'm tired of hearing your arguments -- you're not going to convince me.  Go away"?) they chose a nicer way of doing it.

[Granny Takes a Trip]

Hey Art, thanks for your post That is a helpful way of looking at it, and I do totally understand taking that measure in the example you gave.

Having said that, I must explain that this isn't what happened the couple times I was beandipped(I don't just mean I didn't pester someone for their lawnmower ). On both my occasions, we were having what I thought was a normal, lively discussion (without either of us pushing any issue) so the diversion blindsided me a bit. Don't get me wrong, I did wind down from the conversation, but as I said, I felt patronised and a little confused.

Thanks again for your answer. What I like best about this site is the oppurtunity to engage with other points of view.