Is forwarding emails inherently rude?

[Martienne]

About a year ago I allowed my nine-year-old daughter to sign up for a hotmail address. The rule that I set up with her at the start is that she needed to get my permission before she could give her address out. (The original use for it was to be for signups on game sites like webkins.) I had this rule in place because I knew there were particular relatives that, if they had her address, would begin sending her forwards, and I wanted to teach her about proper communication etiquette before it got to that point.

One Saturday, my mother-in-law and her husband visited while I was at work. Although I had explained that I didn't want our daughter's email to be given out, he allowed her to give the address to his mother. Somehow I hadn't quite explained to my husband my reasoning about not giving her address out very well. He said he didn't think I meant family, but his mother is the main person I was concerned about. And true to my concerns, she has attached my daughter's address to every email forward she sends, which amount to several a day. She also does not use the BCC field, so every other relative who sends email forwards has my daughter's address.

The problem is that I have not found the words to explain to my daughter how I feel about forwards. I'm not good at putting concepts like this into words (I'm a very concrete thinker). I feel like sending forwards is like imposing something on me, and it is rude to impose the same feeling on others. That is the best I have been able to do. There's more to it than that, but I can't seem to distill it down. I do know that we have tried to talk to my MIL about not sending forwards and she has told us she feels obligated to do so because she doesn't want the friends who send her forwards to be mad at her. At times she even forwards things without reading them. We have tried to tell her that your friends have no way of knowing whether or not you forward a particular email, but this has done no good.

So, is sending email forwards rude? And how can I explain this to a ten-year-old girl?

[CluelessBride]

I don't think forwards are the problem, it's sending people garbage e-mails that they aren't interested in.  So if I get an email containing cute cat pictures, and I know my friend Sally loves cute cat pictures - then forwarding it one to Sally is not rude.  But if Jenna hates cats, then forwarding the same e-mail to her is rude.

So I would try explaining to your DD that it is important to consider who she is sending things to and whether or not they are interested before she sends them.  This is just as important with non-forwards as it is with forwards.  You can also explain that chain letters are bogus and no one can tell if you send on an email or delete it.  Further, you can explain that some people mean well, but follow different "rules" (like Grandma).  It doesn't make Grandma a bad person.

In order to explain the concept of BCC, you could try illustrating what would happen with her own address if things keep getting forwarded with her name on it.  This is particularly useful if there is someone she wouldn't want getting her email - like the boy who dips her braids in the inkwell.

[TootsNYC]

Kids understand junk mail.

Tell her, "We love your grandma, but I want you to know: I think it's rude to send other people junk mail. And that stuff she forwards to everybody seems interesting at first, but most of it is wrong, and pretty soon it'll be completely annoying. And then it's hard to tell them to stop.
    "I don't want you to ever do it. If you see something that honestly some one, single, specific person might like, you can send it to them, but ONLY if you write them 3 paragraphs at the top to say hello and to explain why you think they would like it.
     "I also don't like that Grandma just puts everybody's e-mail address in the big space. That means you all can see everybody's e-mail address. And if people click on "reply to all," then everybody gets MORE junk mail. I don't want you to do that kind of thing either. If you have to send an e-mail to more than one person, you have to think about whether they should all be able to see everybody else's e-mail. What if you want to send an e-mail to 3 girls from school. But one of them isn't very popular, and one of them is sort of popular with the mean girls. Then the mean girls could get the unpopular girl's e-mail address from their friend, and they could send nasty e-mails right to her in box.
"So you should use the BCC--that keeps anybody from seeing who else got the e-mail. If you want them to know that you're sending the e-mail to more than just them, you should write, "This e-mail is for Kristi, Marissa, and Krystal" right at the top.

[Nurvingiel]

I agree with what Toots wrote 100%.

The other problem with grandma's awful netiquette, is that now a huge boatload of people have your daughter's email address, which you were hoping to avoid. If your daughter changes her address, I would specifically avoid giving it to grandma. Bring your husband on board with why.

And this is why: Grandma sends 25 people a forward, including your daughter. Everyone is in the To: line, none are BCCed. Three of the recipients decide to forward the email to five friends each.

15 complete strangers now have your daughter's email address, due to one forward from grandma.

[Scritzy]

I think it would also be a good idea to introduce your daughter to Snopes, so she won't accept any scare story as the gospel.

This do at your own discretion, as I realize Snopes has some stories on its site that are not exactly kid-friendly.

[kckgirl]

If this were my daughter, I'd get a new email address, don't give it to anybody (including the DH, after explaining why), and never check the old one again.

[Craftymom]

If this were my daughter, I'd get a new email address, don't give it to anybody (including the DH, after explaining why), and never check the old one again.

POD!

To answer the original question, forwards in and of themselves are not rude, UNLESS that is the ONLY form of email/communication you receive from a person. (I have one friend and 1 relative that subscribe to this method of communication and I hate it).  I'm sorry I forgot the relative does tend to send me sales type emails on occasion and her signature is an advertisment for one of her businesses-but NEVER a regular "Hey how's it going" type of thing for over 10 years now.

[kherbert05]

It is rude to forward people stuff, unless you are sure they will enjoy it and it is appropriate. It is also rude to make other people's e-mails public.

I love folktales - so friends might forward me sites about folk tales.

If I come across a cool lesson plan - I will forward it to teachers I know would be interested in seeing it.

[gollymolly2]

Kids understand junk mail.

Tell her, "We love your grandma, but I want you to know: I think it's rude to send other people junk mail. And that stuff she forwards to everybody seems interesting at first, but most of it is wrong, and pretty soon it'll be completely annoying. And then it's hard to tell them to stop.
    "I don't want you to ever do it. If you see something that honestly some one, single, specific person might like, you can send it to them, but ONLY if you write them 3 paragraphs at the top to say hello and to explain why you think they would like it.
     "I also don't like that Grandma just puts everybody's e-mail address in the big space. That means you all can see everybody's e-mail address. And if people click on "reply to all," then everybody gets MORE junk mail. I don't want you to do that kind of thing either. If you have to send an e-mail to more than one person, you have to think about whether they should all be able to see everybody else's e-mail. What if you want to send an e-mail to 3 girls from school. But one of them isn't very popular, and one of them is sort of popular with the mean girls. Then the mean girls could get the unpopular girl's e-mail address from their friend, and they could send nasty e-mails right to her in box.
"So you should use the BCC--that keeps anybody from seeing who else got the e-mail. If you want them to know that you're sending the e-mail to more than just them, you should write, "This e-mail is for Kristi, Marissa, and Krystal" right at the top.

You could also add, if it's accurate for grandma, that since grandma hasn't been using the internet for that long, she doesn't really know or understand that she's being rude. That way, daughter won't come away from the conversation thinking grandma is rude or a special snowflake.

This may not be true for you, in which case disregard. But I have known some older people who just came onto the internet too late in life to really "Get" netiquette. That has definitely been the case for all my older relatives who have joined facebook in the last year or so - it's hard to explain to them why, over the previous five years, certain things have become "just not done." So I just keep in mind that they don't know they're being rude and they're not trying to be rude.

[Dindrane]

I agree with Toots' explanation.

I would basically try to explain to your daughter that it's not an issue of forwarding emails - sometimes that's appropriate.  It's an issue of not treating your friends and family like a mass audience.  It's much more polite and respectful to treat them all as individuals who may have some (but not all) overlapping tastes.

So if Aunt Sally likes emails with pictures of kittens, it's okay to forward emails with pictures of kittens.  If Uncle Joe likes emails with funny jokes, it's okay to forward those types of emails to him.  If Cousin Bobby likes both of those types of emails, it's okay to forward both types to him.  But if Great Aunt Ethel doesn't like either type of email, then you shouldn't send either to her.

I also think that if you need to give your daughter a general rule, tell her that any emails she sends should include a message of at least 3 sentences, explaining why she is sending the email (as Toots suggested, more or less).  Any emails she wants to forward should have, in that message, why she thinks the recipient will appreciate it.  If she can't think of a reason, then she shouldn't forward the email/send the message.

I think that you might just want to explain the poor netiquette by telling her that some people get a little bit lazy about following good email manners.  It's easy to do, because emails take no more than a click of a button.  But it's important to remember to practice good email etiquette, just like it's important to properly thank people for gifts (even though not everyone properly thanks others for gifts).

[HonorH]

I agree with Toots as well.  This also might be a good opportunity to teach your daughter some critical thinking when Grandma sends around the newest urban legend.  "MOM!  Bill Gates will give a dollar to Haiti for every time someone forwards this email!"  "Okay, sweetie, let's check that out.  There's this site called Snopes . . ."

Forwards in and of themselves aren't rude.  It's when someone keeps forwarding stuff without thinking--whether it's political mails to people who don't share your views, urban legends that have been floating around for the last twenty (forty, sixty) years, chain emails, "if you don't send this to all your friends, including the one who sent you this, you obviously don't care about them" junk, cute pictures to people who just can't stand the glurge, etc.  My BFF sent me an email of cute and funny food pictures this morning that I really enjoyed, but believe me when I say I've gotten plenty of the former from various people.

[TootsNYC]

I think that you might just want to explain the poor netiquette by telling her that some people get a little bit lazy about following good email manners.  It's easy to do, because emails take no more than a click of a button.  But it's important to remember to practice good email etiquette, just like it's important to properly thank people for gifts (even though not everyone properly thanks others for gifts).

This is nice!

As is the point that Grandma might not know about the etiquette, or just might not think about what it's like on the other end.

[Beetlesque]

I don't think it's rude to forward emails on as long as you're forwarding things of interest to that person, not just doing mass send outs to everyone in your address book. The problem I would have with your daughters email being used in this way is it could be picked up by spammers who don't necessarily know how old she is and can send her emails which aren't all that age appropriate.