News: All new forum theme!  See Forum Announcements for more information. 

  • February 28, 2015, 01:51:52 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Groaners  (Read 25166 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

baglady

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4709
  • A big lass and a bonny lass and she loves her beer
Re: Groaners
« Reply #195 on: April 22, 2011, 10:46:28 PM »
An octopus walks into a bar ... .

Seriously, there is a joke about a guy who brings an octopus into a bar and bets the bartender that it can play any musical instrument he puts in front of it. Sure enough, the octopus plays the guitar, fiddle, and a few more ... then someone brings out a bagpipe and says, "Can you play this?"

Octopus: "Play it? I dunno, but get those plaid pajamas off it and I'll play scrabble with it!"
My photography is on Redbubble! Come see: http://www.redbubble.com/people/baglady

Nora

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3488
Re: Groaners
« Reply #196 on: April 23, 2011, 01:45:28 PM »
My Dad's very favorite. Delivery is EVERYTHING on this one.

You know how, when you see a bunch a of geese flying, and they're always in that V shape? Have you ever noticed that when they're in that V shape, one side of the V is always longer than the other? You wanna know why that is?







There's more geese on that side.

I just executed this joke perfectly. DH went *facepalm*.  ;D ;D ;D
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

Nora

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3488
Re: Groaners
« Reply #197 on: April 23, 2011, 02:06:33 PM »
Difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

Gold fish muck around in fountains.

*applauds*
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

readingchick

  • Trivia Buff
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2673
Re: Groaners
« Reply #198 on: April 24, 2011, 08:19:14 AM »
So this guy goes into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. He sees a fly, alerts the waiter to the fact that there's a fly in the soup. The waiter says "That's understandable, our chef used to be a tailor."

White Dragon

  • Formerly St Monica
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2699
Re: Groaners
« Reply #199 on: April 24, 2011, 11:52:14 AM »
Which, of course, begs the question:  How do bagpipes mate?  

I have no idea, but 'Mating Bagpipes' sounds like a terrific yoga position for an octopus. ;D

What's the difference between the bagpipes and onions?

People cry when you chop up onions.
"I think her scattergun was only loaded with commas and full-stops, although some of them cuddled together for warmth and produced little baby colons and semi-colons." ~ Margo

Paper Roses

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4818
Re: Groaners
« Reply #200 on: April 25, 2011, 10:33:37 PM »


How do you get two oboes in tune? Shoot one.



Hey, that's not a joke, it's the truth!  I play the oboe.

True story:  When I was a freshman in high school I learned to play the oboe, although I was never an expert at it.  My band director once told me that I had the tone of a bagpipe in heat.  Which, of course, begs the question:  How do bagpipes mate?  Any answers out there?

Very carefully.
No, you can't, because you wishpishabonnyfish.

WolfWay

  • They burnt down my house... They ate my tailor!
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2634
Re: Groaners
« Reply #201 on: April 29, 2011, 08:07:32 AM »


How do you get two oboes in tune? Shoot one.



Hey, that's not a joke, it's the truth!  I play the oboe.

True story:  When I was a freshman in high school I learned to play the oboe, although I was never an expert at it.  My band director once told me that I had the tone of a bagpipe in heat.  Which, of course, begs the question:  How do bagpipes mate?  Any answers out there?

Very carefully.
I was going to say "very noisily". (Now I'm imagining a chorus of Squeeee Hoooonk Sqwurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Parp noises).

It's best to love your family as you would a Siberian Tiger - from a distance, preferably separated by bars . -- Pearls Before Swine (16-May-2009)

sisbam

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3205
Re: Groaners
« Reply #202 on: June 15, 2011, 02:09:08 PM »
What do you get when you cross a pub with nuclear power plant?

Fission chips

Wonderflonium

  • DO NOT BOUNCE
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9091
  • I have a PhD in horribleness.
Re: Groaners
« Reply #203 on: June 15, 2011, 03:08:11 PM »
 ;D
The status is not quo!

Hollanda

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2696
  • Believe in yourself.
Re: Groaners
« Reply #204 on: June 15, 2011, 05:32:22 PM »
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

---

A white horse walks into a bar.  The barman says "We have a whisky named after you."
The horse says "What, Eric?"

---

A ham sandwich walks into a bar.  The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food."

I have more :/
Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


RegionMom

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6247
  • ♪♫ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪♫ ♪ ♪♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫
Re: Groaners
« Reply #205 on: June 15, 2011, 05:55:13 PM »
More, then, please!
Fear is temporary...Regret is forever.

Ms_Cellany

  • The Queen of Squee
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6061
  • Big white goggie? No. Hasn't seen him.
Re: Groaners
« Reply #206 on: June 15, 2011, 06:14:36 PM »
More geek puns:

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?

lelephantl lgrapel sine(theta)

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountaineer?

You can't. A mountaineer is a scaler.
It is the policy of the United States Navy to neither confirm nor deny the presence of nuclear weapons aboard its vessels.

Ms_Cellany

  • The Queen of Squee
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6061
  • Big white goggie? No. Hasn't seen him.
Re: Groaners
« Reply #207 on: June 15, 2011, 06:15:41 PM »
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two.

---------------------------
How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

------------------------------
How many Harvard feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's RADCLIFFE feminists, and it's STILL not funny!
It is the policy of the United States Navy to neither confirm nor deny the presence of nuclear weapons aboard its vessels.

Sanity Lost

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 496
Re: Groaners
« Reply #208 on: June 15, 2011, 07:17:22 PM »
The Blonds Revenge!

Whats brown black and blue all over?
A brunette that's told too many blond jokes

What do brunettes miss the most about a great party?
The invitation

Yes I'm a blond  ;D


Seraphim

  • The impossible I do every day -- miracles merely take a few more phone-calls.
  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 401
  • I'm not short, I'm concentrated Awesome!
Re: Groaners
« Reply #209 on: June 15, 2011, 07:49:39 PM »
Why are blode jokes so short?


So men can remember them.