Author Topic: Groaners  (Read 21101 times)

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whylime13

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #45 on: February 17, 2010, 08:38:52 PM »
What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese!


What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Well anyone can roast beef ....



Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a pint of blueberries?
A: I don't know

Well if you don't know the difference, I'm not sending you to the store!

Msunderstatement

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #46 on: February 17, 2010, 08:42:04 PM »
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Goliath.

Goliath who?

Goliath down, you looketh tired.
I'm not lost -- just taking the scenic route!

Martienne

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #47 on: February 17, 2010, 11:00:12 PM »
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.
What does Snoop Dogg use to whiten his clothes?
      Bli'atch.

What does Snoop Dogg eat for dinner?
      Spa'GHETTO.

What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his car?
     His hose.

What is Snoop Dogg's favorite tool?
     Da chizel.

What does Snoop Dogg listen for when he cooks bacon?
     Fo'sizzle.

What do you call a pepper who is too nosy?
     Jalapeņo business! (all up in yo' business)

What does a vegetarian zombie say?
     Graaains!

What do they call the pig who is a karate master?
    Pork chop.

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
    Its behind.

What game would you play with a wombat?
    Wom.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
    The sailors were marooned.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
    It was in tents!

Sounds like Bill the Pony has a cough there.
    Yeah, he's a little hoarse.

Gary used to work at the rubber band factory, but he got fired.
    Oh, snap!

pwv

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #48 on: February 17, 2010, 11:26:21 PM »
How can you tell if an elephant has been hiding in your refrigerator?

    by the footprints in the butter

====

Why did the elephant wear tennies?

   because nine-ies are too small and eleven-ies are too big

-----

What's the difference between?

    between what?

I'm not giving any hints.

T'Mar of Vulcan

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #49 on: February 17, 2010, 11:51:51 PM »
What's the difference between?
    between what?
I'm not giving any hints.

My father's favourite joke was similar:

What is the difference between a duck?
One foot is both the same.


The only Vulcan from South Africa! :)

guihong

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #50 on: February 18, 2010, 12:22:10 AM »
My father was fond of telling "shaggy dog stories":

Two big turtles and one small turtle go into a soda shop and order sarsaparillas.  While they are there, it begins to rain.  The two big turtles tell the small turtle "Go back home and bring our umbrellas".
"No", said the small turtle.  "If I leave, you will drink my sarsaparilla".
The two big turtles promise not to drink his sarsaparilla, and so the small turtle starts off.

Two weeks later, one big turtle turns to the other big turtle and says "C'mon, let's drink his sarsaparilla!"
And a little voice from the back of the shop yells out, "You do, and I won't go for those umbrellas!"

****

A man walks into a bakery and says, "I would like a cake in the shape of the letter S".
The baker says "OK, come back in a week, and I'll have it for you"
The man comes back in a week, and to his dismay, the cake is a print letter S.  He says, "Oh, this is all wrong.  I wanted a script S"
The baker tells him "Come back in another week, and I'll have it ready".
A week later, the man returns, and the baker proudly shows off a cake in the shape of a script S.  He asks, "Would you like it in a gift box?" 
The man answers, "Oh no, if you have a knife and fork, I'll eat it right here".



JonGirl

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #51 on: February 18, 2010, 04:34:07 AM »



Why did they close down the banana factory? Because they kept throwing away the bent ones.
Why did the jelly bean jump off the cliff? Because he thought he was a smartie.
A guy said to his mate: I took my wife on a trip to the Carribbean.
His mate says: Jamaica?
No, she went on her own accord!


Stewart/Colbert '16

bigozzy

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #52 on: February 18, 2010, 07:00:29 AM »
Did you hear about the extrovert engineer?

He stares at your foot while talking.



whylime13

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #53 on: February 18, 2010, 10:30:12 AM »
A snail walked in to a fancy car dealership and said 'I want to buy the fastest car you have' so the salesman shows him a brand new red sports car.  The snail likes it and pays cash upfront.  The snail then asks 'I'd really like to get a custom paint job for this car, can you arrange that for me?' and since he had just spent so much money the salesman did not want to disappoint him so he said 'Anything for you, what do you want done?' The snail replies 'I want a big black S painted on top of the car, on the hood and on each side.  Horrified, the salesman asks 'Why would you do a thing like that to such a good looking car?'

"So everywhere I go people will say 'Look at that S-Car-Go'"

RingTailedLemur

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #54 on: February 18, 2010, 01:00:41 PM »
What do you do with a wombat?

Play wom.

RegionMom

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #55 on: February 18, 2010, 01:26:01 PM »
My kids found this one, and took the time to get it memorized and can perform it on cue--

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a:
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

(groan!!!))

Fear is temporary...Regret is forever.

Coralreef

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #56 on: February 18, 2010, 02:41:55 PM »
What do you call a clairvoyant child running away from home?

A small medium at large.

[/right

Scritzy

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #57 on: February 18, 2010, 03:30:29 PM »
What's the motto of a bad steakhouse?

Around here, anything well done is mighty rare!
Dragons

SC
It will pass. Or not.

ZaftigWife

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #58 on: February 19, 2010, 06:21:00 PM »



What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglas
What do you call a man who lays around? Matt
What do you call a man who hangs on the wall? Art

What do you call a guy floating in the ocean?  Bob

What do you call a guy floating in shallow water?  Wade

extranormal

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #59 on: February 19, 2010, 06:22:12 PM »



What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglas
What do you call a man who lays around? Matt
What do you call a man who hangs on the wall? Art

What do you call a guy floating in the ocean?  Bob

What do you call a guy floating in shallow water?  Wade


What do you call a guy with rabbits in his shirt? Warren.