Author Topic: Groaners  (Read 21528 times)

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Coralreef

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #75 on: March 08, 2010, 01:35:24 PM »
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple.

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VorFemme

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #76 on: March 08, 2010, 03:24:47 PM »
When you meet an engineers from Scotland - ask 'em if they are a member of the well known clan MacHinery (try all lower case letters).
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

jpcher

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #77 on: March 08, 2010, 09:12:35 PM »
(Kick me if I've already posted this . . . I haven't read the entire thread.)



Q: Why do elephant's paint their toenails red?

A: So they can hide in cherry trees.


Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: No.

Reply: See! It works! ;D


VorFemme

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #78 on: March 24, 2010, 10:28:52 PM »
Zombie lions go for their prey's mmmaaanneess.

Zombie electricians hang around mmaaiinnss.

Zombie plumbers hide in ddrraaiinnss.

Zombie medieval cathedral builders are all about ffaanneess.

Zombie bowlers hang around the llaanneess.

Zombies want to travel in ox drawn wwaaiinnss.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Ferrets

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #79 on: March 25, 2010, 12:11:43 PM »
VorFemme's post, and the orchestral discussion over on the other thread, reminded me...

A scientist walks into a brain shop, and says to the man behind the counter: "Hello! I am here to do some research on human brains. What specimens do you have in stock?"

"Well," says the proprietor, "we have some nice Cambridge graduates' brains at 50 a pound. We also have a few MENSA brains going for about 100 a pound. And, just in today, we have some fresh viola players' brains."

"Hm, how much are they?"

"1,000 a pound."

"Goodness, that's expensive! But surely every orchestra has them...why are their brains so dear?"

"Tchah. Do you know how many viola players you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

*I'maviolaplayer,I'mALLOWEDtosayit,don'tshootme*

bestimw

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #80 on: March 25, 2010, 01:37:50 PM »
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle?

Martienne

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #81 on: March 25, 2010, 04:14:58 PM »
A man went to the music store, bringing his banjo along in the backseat. When he got there he forgot to grab his banjo and went inside. Quickly realizing he needed the banjo, he returned to the parking area. As he approached his vehicle he could see that the back window was broken. He rushed over to his car and looked in the back seat, his heart filled with dread. It was just as he had feared. There were now three banjos in his backseat, along with an accordion.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

How do you know when there is a banjo player at the door?
He can't find the key and he doesn't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

How many oboe players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you have to wait while the oboe player screws it in...backs it out a little...screws it in a titch more...backs it all the way out and licks it...

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine others to gossip about how the first flute player got picked for the role and why each of the other nine would have done it better.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to complain that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about how much they miss the old one.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

VorFemme

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #82 on: March 25, 2010, 04:25:14 PM »
Birdwatching zombies are looking for ccrraanneess...........

What kind of pantyhose do female zombies wear?

Hhaanneess

Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

VorFemme

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #83 on: March 25, 2010, 04:47:17 PM »
Elderly zombies want ccaanneess.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

VorFemme

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #84 on: March 25, 2010, 06:26:48 PM »
Which  gym do zombies go to when they exercise?

Jack LlaaLlaanneess'
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Suze

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #85 on: March 25, 2010, 06:36:01 PM »
Zombies at the subway are waiting for traaaiiiinnnns
Reality is for people who lack Imagination

Seraphia

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #86 on: March 25, 2010, 10:05:01 PM »
How do you tell the difference between a violin and a viola? The violinist's head is bigger.

How do you get two oboes in tune? Shoot one.


And, my all-time favorite:

What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? He works it out with a pencil.
Ancora Imparo - I am still learning

T'Mar of Vulcan

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #87 on: March 26, 2010, 12:21:32 AM »
More lightbulb jokes (lightbulb jokes are my favourite):

Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Huh?... What? Oh, it's dark in here?

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just redefine "darkness" as the industry standard.

Q: How many software designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's a hardware problem.
A: Two. One always leaves the company in the middle of a big project.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem, dude.
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one. Men will screw anything.

Q: Why does it take three women with PMS to screw in a lightbulb?
A: IT JUST DOES! THAT'S WHY! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!

Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many Real Women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A Real Woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he has to do it three times.

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 40 - one to do it and 39 to complain that it's electric.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb ... to his.
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
A: 65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying cross country and the stewardess started telling me about her cat. Man, I hate people who don't use their turn signals. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....

I have more, but that's enough for now.  ;D


The only Vulcan from South Africa! :)

Slartibartfast

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #88 on: March 26, 2010, 01:22:17 AM »
What's the difference between a trumpet player and a government bond?  Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

What do you do with a bad trumpet player?  Give him two sticks and make him a drummer.

What do you do with a bad drummer?  Take away a stick and make him a conductor!

Slartibartfast

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #89 on: March 26, 2010, 01:23:50 AM »
Ooh, and my all-time favorite math joke:

How did Little Johnny know he came from a dysfunctional family?  He failed the vertical line test.

(The vertical line test is the quick-and-dirty test of whether something is a function or not.  If you graph it out and you can draw a vertical line that goes through two points instead of just one, it's not a function.  I know, I know, it's corny, but so was my math teacher.)