Author Topic: Groaners  (Read 22144 times)

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whylime13

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #90 on: March 26, 2010, 10:31:51 AM »
What would a zombie president want to do?  Increase tax on capital gaaaaainnnss.

What did his zombie opponent say?  That's not what you said in your campaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnn



Sorry but sometimes my zombie jokes can get pretty laaaaaaaaaammmmeee.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #91 on: March 26, 2010, 10:43:23 AM »
A three headed, no armed, one legged man was standing on the side of the road.

A car pulls over, the driver opens the passenger door and says:

'ello, 'ello, 'ello.  You look 'armless enough, 'op in.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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whylime13

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #92 on: March 26, 2010, 10:47:26 AM »
How do you catch a unique rabbit?  U nique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?  Tame way U nique up on it

WhiteTigerCub

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #93 on: March 26, 2010, 01:49:59 PM »
What would a zombie president want to do?  Increase tax on capital gaaaaainnnss.

What did his zombie opponent say?  That's not what you said in your campaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnn



Sorry but sometimes my zombie jokes can get pretty laaaaaaaaaammmmeee.

Here's a whole thread of zombie grooooaning goodness  :D

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=50927.0

Arizona

War_Doc

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #94 on: March 26, 2010, 02:50:17 PM »
Then there was the kid who had a question about the sunrise.  It finally dawned on him.
By their victory, the 3rd, 4th and 5th Marine Divisions and other units of the Fifth Amphibious Corps have made an accounting to their country which only history will be able to value fully. Among the Americans who served on Iwo Island, uncommon valor was a common virtue."

--Admiral C. W. Nimitz

extranormal

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #95 on: March 26, 2010, 03:11:38 PM »
Ooh, and my all-time favorite math joke:

How did Little Johnny know he came from a dysfunctional family?  He failed the vertical line test.

(The vertical line test is the quick-and-dirty test of whether something is a function or not.  If you graph it out and you can draw a vertical line that goes through two points instead of just one, it's not a function.  I know, I know, it's corny, but so was my math teacher.)

Heh. I just told that to my favorite math geek and he loved it. He offers this in exchange:

Why do mathematicians often confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

drebay

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #96 on: March 26, 2010, 03:18:27 PM »


How do you get two oboes in tune? Shoot one.



Hey, that's not a joke, it's the truth!  I play the oboe.

Schmoopie3928

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #97 on: March 26, 2010, 07:59:11 PM »
Yay! Lightbulb jokes!! DH and I are having a blast with all of these!!

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!

ROTTWEILER: Make me.

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.

BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and..........

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? what Light bulb?

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?


baglady

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #98 on: March 28, 2010, 05:23:25 PM »
Oooh, musician jokes! Here's a few more:

What does a banjo player use for birth control? His personality.

What's the definition of perfect pitch? You throw the banjo in the Dumpster and hit the accordion.

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

What did the banjo player get on his IQ test? Drool.

What's the difference between a soprano and a dressmaker? A dressmaker tucks up the frills ...

What's the difference between an orthopedic insole and a conductor? An orthopedic insole bucks up the feet ...

What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy? A puppy eventually stops whining.
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heather

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #99 on: March 28, 2010, 06:14:35 PM »
Termite walked into a saloon and asked  'is the bar tender here?'

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?
Dam.

Shea

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #100 on: April 08, 2010, 11:22:17 PM »
More lightbulb jokes (lightbulb jokes are my favourite):


Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

I have more, but that's enough for now.  ;D

Variations of that one:

A: Just one. He holds up the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
 or
A: 27. One to screw in the lightbulb and 26 to stand around and say, "I could've done that better."
 or
A: Screw in a lightbulb? That's a job for the techies.

Yeah, I've worked in a theatre for 7 years, how could you tell? ;)


If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, librarians are a global threat.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #101 on: April 09, 2010, 02:27:09 AM »
How many [I heard "government workers," but you could substitute a lot of jobs here] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: one to write the proposal, one to do the paperwork, and one to screw it in to the faucet.

(
How many gnats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, same number as it takes to screw anywhere else . . .
)

JonGirl

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #102 on: April 09, 2010, 02:34:19 AM »


I just heard this one.


The seal walks into a bar and the bartender says: what would you like?
The seal says: Not the Canadian Club.

thats it from me!
Stewart/Colbert '16

kitty-cat

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #103 on: April 09, 2010, 10:01:04 AM »
More lightbulb jokes (lightbulb jokes are my favourite):


Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

I have more, but that's enough for now.  ;D

Variations of that one:

A: Screw in a lightbulb? That's a job for the techies.

Yeah, I've worked in a theatre for 7 years, how could you tell? ;)

Priceless! I did theatre for 4 years of high school as a tech- I swear if it wasn't for me (costume manager) we would have been putting on shows with actors wearing suits. Birthday suits.... They didn't know what costume was for what scene/act. TBH, I loved the shows with no changes...




NE Florida

Kendo_Bunny

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #104 on: April 09, 2010, 11:17:07 PM »
Two vultures board a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
"I'm sorry," the flight attendant said, "but we only allow one carrion per passenger."